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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm getting married but I want to look nice

52 replies

thatcrookedsmile · 13/04/2023 08:43

We are eloping and have been together for years, since i was 16. Children together, house together, just a whole life together and he looks even more handsome today then he did when i met him. I on the other hand look like an old bag and I'm too embarrassed to walk down the aisle infront of my friends and family so thats why we are eloping.

I haven't had a haircut or my nails or eyebrows done since I was a teenager and I feel really embarrassed to go. Probably because I've let myself get to this tired mum stage.

I don't even wear make up and I've never thought I look ugly or care that I'm unkempt. Until the idea of starting my marriage with my drop dead gorgeous husband as a frumpy, ugly wife.

Has anyone changed it around? I have an outdoorsy life so my nails are always mucky and broken and my skin is always dry with calluses. I always liked that about myself, I can get up and leave the house in 2 minutes, not like when I was younger, and definitely not with the kids but now I'm embarrassed.

OP posts:

Original poster

thatcrookedsmile · 13/04/2023 08:44

that should read- I feel too embarrassed to go get my hair done not go to get married

OP posts:

PartingGift · 13/04/2023 08:47

Congrats on your wedding!

When is it? There's lots of things you can try if you want to a change.

I sometimes feel a bit apprehensive about going to the hairdresser - always feel better after though.

Have you bought your outfit yet?

You might also get better replies on the style and beauty board.

MoggyMittens23 · 13/04/2023 08:50

Don’t be embarrassed! I have a hairdresser friend and her favourite clients aren’t her regulars for a trim. It’s the ones where she feels she can make a big difference! A bit of a challenge I suppose.

Xjshdvf · 13/04/2023 08:50

Maybe an option would be a mobile hairdresser who you can have a chat with beforehand to see explain how you’re feeling? That might then make you feel less anxious about the appointment.
I’ve been trying to get myself out of the tired mum/out of the style loop and found that going to the make up counters at department stores helped to choose make up and a look that matched who I am now. If you go in the week it’s often quiet and you don’t have to buy everything they suggest but it can give you pointers.

junebirthdaygirl · 13/04/2023 08:51

Just make an appointment with a beautician and take it from there. They are very good to discuss things with you . Pick an older more established one if you are nervous about them suggesting all sorts. You are not spending money on the wedding so it's a bit of fun getting to take care of yourself. I would say you definitely are not what you think you are and l'm sure your handsome dp has suffered from the aging process the same as us all.
Start going to a hairdresser now and getting some nice treatment. You deserve it.
By the way please tell me the dc will be at the wedding. They will enjoy planning hair/ makeup with you and might enjoy a trip to the hairdresser for a nice hairstyle to join in the celebrations. Its good for dc to see you taking care of yourself.
But remember dp is marrying you and knows exactly who you are so don't become some mad overtanned bride he hardly recognises.

ShirleyPhallus · 13/04/2023 08:52

This is so sad to read, I don’t think you need a beautician but a therapist to work on your esteem!

Whatabouteverything · 13/04/2023 08:55

Oh lovely! Don't do that, don't be embarrassed of yourself! What a life you've created and now you're marrying the love of your life. Whereabouts are you? Maybe we could recommend specific places that we know would make you feel amazing with no judgement. As long as you're clean I can't imagine anywhere that would judge you for having broken nails, a few callouses etc. That's normal! Just book a premium manicure where they really work on your whole hands etc. And a similar pedicure, maybe a facial with eyebrows done at the same time. And phone a lovely hairdressers where you can talk about what you'd like so they can book the right appointment for you. Can you go with a friend for confidence?

Whatabouteverything · 13/04/2023 08:57

ShirleyPhallus · 13/04/2023 08:52

This is so sad to read, I don’t think you need a beautician but a therapist to work on your esteem!

This true. Do you actually want to elope? Are you really only doing it because you're embarrassed of how you look? You sound like a strong capable interesting woman, I'm sure your family and friends love you and would rather see you get married.

katmarie · 13/04/2023 09:02

Just to add to this, you know he loves you, right? And he probably looks at you and thinks the same of you as you do of him. Do whatever you want for yourself, and absolutely enjoy it, it's lovely to feel glamorous and pampered. But please remember that he probably adores you, just the same as you do him.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 13/04/2023 09:04

Your handsome gorgeous husband thinks you are gorgeous. That's why he's marrying you. And you have always liked your own approach to grooming (I too take a certain amount of pride in being 'ready to go' whenever wherever, like a man is, instead of needing up to an hour to 'get ready' to leave the house as some women seem to). I think it's just the idea of exposure to others' judgments that is making you unhappy.

Well frankly...

Fuck 'em. Your wedding day, if you choose to get married, is about you, your DH, your kids, the life you've built together.

Not about any random snarky twats muttering 'she's punching above her weight isn't she?' behind their hands as you walk down the aisle.

Anyone who would even entertain such a thought is not worth a moment of your time.

Pinksorrel · 13/04/2023 09:04

Does your husband-to-be keep his nails immaculate? Get on trend haircuts? Go for facials? No? Thought not.
Your body is for using to enjoy your life, and it sounds like you do this! If enjoying your life means manicures and you adore getting facials and spending half an hour each morning styling your hair, that's fine! If you prefer to get out and about walking/meeting people/having fun, do that.
I wear a bit of mascara maybe five times a year. I brush my hair every day. Like you, I get up and go and have a fab time outdoors. For me life is for having fun, not spending my time trying to meet society's expectations of how women should spend loads more time and money on their appearance than men.

That said, if you WANT to get your hair done, beauty stuff etc for your wedding, go for it. But don't be embarrassed about it and only do it if you want to, not because you are feeling pressured. If your DP wants to marry you and your dirty nails, he must be the kind of man who wants a useful partner who engages in life, rather than an ornament.

BarrelOfOtters · 13/04/2023 09:04

I think I'd be a bit upset if a member of my family who I cared about decided to elope because she was worried I'd judge her. I mean it's your day...but it could be a really happy day for you to celebrate with the people you like/love. And you don't have to be a traditional meringue bride heading down the aisle. Friend of mine, farmer's wife, got married in a normal dress that she loved, had a friend do her make up, had booked herself a manicure. Got married in the yard at home - it was a lovely day.

I took a day to myself, booked a hair cut, got my eyebrows shaped and tinted, lashes tinted, luxury manicure with gels and pedicure - that was for a holiday = it's not something I normally do - but it made me feel more confident.

It's you they want to see....

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 13/04/2023 09:06

Although equally, if you want to go and get hair/make-up/nails/the works done and wear a frilly dress.... because it's a special occasion and you want to look special, NOT because you think you "should".... Go for it. You don't have to feel silly doing it. It's dress-up, it's fun, and it's for you. Once again, if anyone thinks it's weird of you or 'too much' or 'try-hard'... FUCK 'EM. Your day, your way.

SacreBleugh · 13/04/2023 09:07

Well he obviously loves you as you are OP. How old are you? Do you have children?

TheInterceptor · 13/04/2023 09:08

ShirleyPhallus · 13/04/2023 08:52

This is so sad to read, I don’t think you need a beautician but a therapist to work on your esteem!

This

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 13/04/2023 09:09

SacreBleugh · 13/04/2023 09:07

Well he obviously loves you as you are OP. How old are you? Do you have children?

It's right there in the OP that she has children

oioimatey · 13/04/2023 09:14

Not that you need these things to become confident, but if it helps then why not. You should get a mobile hairdresser to come to you, so you don't have to deal with a salon. Same for a nail technician. Who cares if you have an outdoors lifestyle with mucky nails, you can still add a pop of colour. Try a hydrating sheet mask from Boots to give your skin a boost and to help with the idea that being pampered is fun.

I'd also recommend O'Keefe's Working Hands hand cream to help make your hands a little softer; that stuff is magical.

It's okay to be a tired mum, most mums are. Your DH-to-be obviously loves you for who you are. I reckon you just need to work on your self-esteem.

Congratulations on getting married!

semideponent · 13/04/2023 09:18

I'm too embarrassed to walk down the aisle infront of my friends and family so thats why we are eloping.

I think this is the heart of the issue, OP. You need to take care of you in what ways you can: marriage won't solve that.

Why elope now?

Original poster

thatcrookedsmile · 13/04/2023 09:19

Whatabouteverything · 13/04/2023 08:57

Show quote history

Well yes and no.
There's been a massive amount of problems in the family (both sides) in the last 10 years and I can't be bothered to navigate who likes who, who won't sit in the same room as who.
Also we've never been a family of spenders and even £200 for a basic service and a pizza afterwards seems like too much.

But the idea of walking past everyone I know, (this was before I even looked in the mirror) is just too embarrassing. I keep very much to myself and dh is the same. We don't even like to attend weddings never mind host them!

I guess there's a mixture of reasons but I still want to look pretty on my wedding day even if its just for a photo. I wish we got married at 16 now, I knew we'd still be together even then.

OP posts:

SacreBleugh · 13/04/2023 09:24

Aren't you marvellous @Cigarettesaftersex1

OP I was just hoping for a bit more detail about you.

Original poster

thatcrookedsmile · 13/04/2023 09:25

@herewegoroundthebastardbush that's exactly what I'm worried about!

thanks everyone for being so kind but I really have been ravaged by 5 children and all that comes with it.

I've just brought some new clothes this week for the first time in about 6 years. it has cemented my concerns, now I look like a mess in new clothes 😄

OP posts:

Whatabouteverything · 13/04/2023 09:26

thatcrookedsmile · 13/04/2023 09:25

@herewegoroundthebastardbush that's exactly what I'm worried about!

thanks everyone for being so kind but I really have been ravaged by 5 children and all that comes with it.

I've just brought some new clothes this week for the first time in about 6 years. it has cemented my concerns, now I look like a mess in new clothes 😄

No you don't! Your amazing. See your worth. Whereabouts roughly are you? I'd love to recommend some places.

Weatherwax13 · 13/04/2023 09:27

Oh love, such a harsh, unforgiving view of yourself. Your partner obviously thinks you're lovely. He wants to marry you!
Don't settle for a wedding you don't want because of this. You've dwelt on this perception of yourself so much that it's become a huge weight crushing your self esteem.
What would say you a friend who felt like this? Because that's exactly what you should be saying to yourself right now.
You sound ever so sad, I think you should tell your partner how upset you are. You need some love and reassurance more than a haircut.

Weatherwax13 · 13/04/2023 09:33

Oh and btw, I had five children too and it's so easy to lose sight of yourself when you're in the trenches. And your body's changed. And you're knackered. I remember it clearly. Try to see this as an opportunity to put yourself first for a little while. Trust me, it's a lesson that will serve you well in many aspects of life. You're not just someone's mother.

Mirabai · 13/04/2023 09:35

Getting your hair cut will definitely help. What kind of shape/size/height are you and what clothes do you like to wear? I’m sure we can come up with something to make you feel good.

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