Aibu to expect dh to be an adult

Pollydarling · 2023-04-12T18:57:39+00:00

Both off work, I'm sorting utility, DH sorting his clothes. Pop upstairs and he wants me to help him sort his clothes in to keep/donate. I do this and afterwards tell him at 40 he should do this himself without constantly relying on me to tell him what to do. He didn't like this comment so I spent the rest of the day reading and doing what I wanted to do. This evening he's made reference to us 'not talking' which I disagreed with, he also referred to my comment as me 'throwing a tantrum and being unhelpful' we have 3 children, I don't need a 4th. I know I'm not being unreasonable but it's wearing. I didn't throw a tantrum at all, I gave him my thoughts and expressed that I'm fed up of feeling like his parent. Oh and when I said I was going for a walk he got his trainers on and ran out the house before me... Please tell me I'm married to an arsehole.

Bananaramdam · 12/04/2023 20:08

Give him time to grow up @Pollydarling 40 is still very young.
My DH still can't locate the dishwasher at 50, but this year he managed to work the washing machine all on his own. So proud!

Coffeellama · 12/04/2023 20:17

Why do it and then moan at him afterwards for it? Just say ‘no I’m busy’ in the first place

Fairislefandango · 12/04/2023 20:20

Why do it and then moan at him afterwards for it?

^This. The time to tell him he should be perfectly capable of doing it on his own was straight after he asked you to help. If my husband asked me to do something like that I'd assume he'd lost his marbles tbh.

emmathedilemma · 12/04/2023 20:20

Don’t hold out too much hope @Bananaramdam my dad is 75 and I’ve had the “open the goddamn dishwasher door instead of leaving things on the side” row with him all weekend!!

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/04/2023 20:24

Coffeellama · 12/04/2023 20:17

Why do it and then moan at him afterwards for it? Just say ‘no I’m busy’ in the first place

This really.

I do get your frustration, but it will be better (and is more adult of you) if you just set boundaries

SparkleSpangle · 12/04/2023 20:25

Bananaramdam · 12/04/2023 20:08

Give him time to grow up @Pollydarling 40 is still very young.
My DH still can't locate the dishwasher at 50, but this year he managed to work the washing machine all on his own. So proud!

Congrats @Bananaramdam Mine polished his own shoes earlier this year, there is still polish stains on the carpet and my (ex) good tea towels, but can't complain. He also let me show him how to put a duvet into a duvet cover this week so he can 'do it himself next time' #soproud

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/04/2023 20:30

when I said I was going for a walk he got his trainers on and ran out the house before me...

I assume the children were in the house and you therefore couldn't go?

Wanker.

Original poster

Pollydarling · 12/04/2023 20:32

Coffeellama · 12/04/2023 20:17

Why do it and then moan at him afterwards for it? Just say ‘no I’m busy’ in the first place

Because I knew the reaction I'd get if I did, it was easier to do it on the spot but afterwards I couldn't bite my tongue. I know I need to set the boundaries and I'm trying one at a time - it was a now or never immediately afterwards and he's just made me feel like I'm being unhelpful, selfish and a bit of a bitch for telling him. For him it was a five minute job, what's the problem? Sort of thing. For me it's more than that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pollydarling · 12/04/2023 20:32

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/04/2023 20:30

when I said I was going for a walk he got his trainers on and ran out the house before me...

I assume the children were in the house and you therefore couldn't go?

Wanker.

Yup!

OP posts:

pictoosh · 12/04/2023 20:34

Yanbu...it sounds like he's a bit of a bully.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/04/2023 20:35

I'm with @pictoosh

It doesn't sound like he's a child as much as a bully. Which is worse. You can train a child.

Chessetchelsea · 12/04/2023 20:39

So his jobs become joint jobs and your jobs remain your jobs?

Bananaramdam · 12/04/2023 20:39

@Pollydarling what do you mean by 'the reaction I'd get if I did' (say you're busy)? What would he say/do?

Summerhillsquare · 12/04/2023 20:41

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/04/2023 20:24

This really.

I do get your frustration, but it will be better (and is more adult of you) if you just set boundaries

Show quote history

Umm, setting boundaries is what adults should do for children.

DojaPhat · 12/04/2023 20:45

What I will say is that when I got divorced, it was over nothing major. It was something relatively speaking quite minor - he'd basically managed to spend about £80 on groceries one weekend without buying anything conceivably 'meal-like', chucked in the entire wash together, stacked a pair of muddy boots in the living room. Sounds pathetic in isolation but I don't think I've ever been so exasperated. Life is a lot lighter now.

Runningupthathill78 · 12/04/2023 20:48

@Bananaramdam

Coffeellama · 12/04/2023 20:49

Pollydarling · 12/04/2023 20:32

Because I knew the reaction I'd get if I did, it was easier to do it on the spot but afterwards I couldn't bite my tongue. I know I need to set the boundaries and I'm trying one at a time - it was a now or never immediately afterwards and he's just made me feel like I'm being unhelpful, selfish and a bit of a bitch for telling him. For him it was a five minute job, what's the problem? Sort of thing. For me it's more than that.

Show quote history

You got the crap reaction anyway, but you’d already done the donkey work, so you just end up sounding like a Martyr instead.

Original poster

Pollydarling · 12/04/2023 20:50

Bananaramdam · 12/04/2023 20:39

@Pollydarling what do you mean by 'the reaction I'd get if I did' (say you're busy)? What would he say/do?

The same as the reaction I got after. That I'm selfish for not helping with a 5 minute job. Which in fairness it was, but its another job, I have enough and its not unreasonable for me to expect him to just do it by himself is it? I don't want to tell a 40 year old which clothes he can keep and which should go in the charity pile. I know this probably sounds extremely petty but it's just one example out of many and I'm breaking point with it. For clarity I did post this so I have the option of showing him I'm not on my own with my thoughts.

OP posts:

Coffeellama · 12/04/2023 20:50

Summerhillsquare · 12/04/2023 20:41

Umm, setting boundaries is what adults should do for children.

Show quote history

Umm no. Setting boundaries in relationships, and in anything in your life is absolutely fine. Nothing wrong with an adult having boundaries.

strawberryjeans · 12/04/2023 20:54

Suppose a lot of this is context dependent, we can’t hear the tone either you or your husband used. At face value I would say YANBU for the way you’ve described it though. He should be able to do things like this for himself and it must feel wearing for you to even have to take on this extra load, it all adds up and you don’t need more to do as well as what you do for DC

Travelfan2021 · 12/04/2023 20:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/04/2023 20:55

That I'm selfish for not helping with a 5 minute job. Which in fairness it was

OK then, ask him for help with every 5 minute job you do. Every. Single. One. See how old that gets.

Original poster

Pollydarling · 12/04/2023 20:55

DojaPhat · 12/04/2023 20:45

What I will say is that when I got divorced, it was over nothing major. It was something relatively speaking quite minor - he'd basically managed to spend about £80 on groceries one weekend without buying anything conceivably 'meal-like', chucked in the entire wash together, stacked a pair of muddy boots in the living room. Sounds pathetic in isolation but I don't think I've ever been so exasperated. Life is a lot lighter now.

This is where I'm at. Feeling like I'd rather be a single parent to 3 than a single parent to 3 plus a man child.
It's all grating now. Every tiny little thing.

OP posts:

Triffid1 · 12/04/2023 21:03

Hes got a lovely set up doesn't he? He gers tou doing all the decision making, and heavy lifting. He gets to do whatever he likes without consequences. AND he's petty and childish so that getting one up on you, eg by getting his run in before your walk, probably gives him the thrill normally only experienced by a pre-teen.

Ick

Original poster

Pollydarling · 12/04/2023 21:09

strawberryjeans · 12/04/2023 20:54

Suppose a lot of this is context dependent, we can’t hear the tone either you or your husband used. At face value I would say YANBU for the way you’ve described it though. He should be able to do things like this for himself and it must feel wearing for you to even have to take on this extra load, it all adds up and you don’t need more to do as well as what you do for DC

I wasn't aggressive- he said something along the lines of 'that wasn't so bad, no need to be grumpy about it' which is when I said I shouldn't have to, it's not wrong of me to expect you to do this as an adult, would you face time your mum if I wasn't here. I do this constantly for me and 3 children...
I'm kicking myself for ending up here. I've done so much for everyone, everything really and it's become habit. Now I've been back at work full time for 2 years it's just getting too much and it's really highlighting the excessive. Beyond excessive.

OP posts: