Husbands work colleague

[Cherylscustardpies]

Okay so my husband has this younger work colleague who he sometimes mentions in terms of they have a joke or conversation in passing. The other week I went with him to his work on a Bank holiday when no one else was supposed to be in, but she was and we bumped into her in the corridor. She wasn’t expecting my husband there and didn’t notice him at first. He said “Hi Angela (not real name) and she said “oh hi Rob what are you doing here” and he replied he was getting something from the office. She then very briefly looked at me but looked straight down at the floor and wouldn’t make eye contact or acknowledge me. We went then and carried on walking. Apparently the next time my hub is saw her she pretended “it was nice to meet your wife” but didn’t make eye contact when she said it. He has mentioned the jokey “saucy” banter between them all in the office and my spidery senses are on high alert.

what would any of use think to this if it was your husband and work colleague?

It's called a gut feeling for a reason op!

To be honest I get the impression that my DH is very flattered at the thoughts this girl fancies him - almost like he wants me to say “sounds like she fancies you” but obviously I never do. I don’t think he is actually cheating as I’ve access to his phone and email and he never goes anywhere really on his own and always home on time etc.

A lot of people here have clearly never worked in an office.

It sounds like mutual flirting (very common), so sexual harassment issues are never going to come up.

Whether they have/will take it further is entirely dependent on who they are as people. Some people have boundaries they never cross, some don't. I've been in both situations and seen both situations. Sometimes it just makes a boring day go a bit faster to have someone to flirt with or look forward to seeing.

It almost sounds like your husband wants to make you jealous.

Yeah it sounds like he likes the attention but also wants you to feel jealous.

I think if he kept saying things to me, I would be like 'if you get fired for sexual harrassment, I wont be standing by you'

This sounds controlling and intrusive on your part. Why don't you trust him? And why do you feel he isn't entitled to the most basic level of privacy?

Your husband sounds like a perv but you also sound somewhat paranoid. I probably wouldn't trust him either.

Yeah you both sounds like a toxic cliché

This

He maybe even took you into work with him so that you could say to him 'wow she clearly fancies you'

He sounds a bit sad to be honest

What a silly remark. Why come on to belittle someone who has asked for advice? Women should support each other more to trust their instincts. Of course we don’t know what, if anything, is happening here but OP’s husband is behaving a bit strangely where this woman is concerned and she’s quite right to question what is going on. This woman clearly flirts with him and showed signs of embarrassment at meeting his wife. Probably wondering if OP knows what has been said at work and quite rightly feels embarrassed. I don’t think there’s any evidence of an affair OP but I would keep an eye on things. I’m sorry you feel so insecure in this relationship, it’s not a nice feeling.

@BigglyBee thank you 🙏 yes I do feel insecure- my husbands a good looking man and enjoys the fact that women find him attractive. He’s preoccupied with staying attractive at all costs i.e looking into teeth whitening, hair dye, gym etc. I’ve said I’d love him whatever he looked like but it seems as though that is not enough.

I don’t think there’s any evidence of an affair OP but I would keep an eye on things.

What does keeping an eye on things look like. What do you do if you see something? IME anyone can cheat, but his wife watching him like a hawk isn't going to stop it. If it's going to happen it will happen.

If anything it's more likely to harm a relationship and lead to him looking elsewhere. Who wants to stay where they're not trusted/being watched all the time?

He’s obsessed with women finding him attractive. It’s strange really - rather than it being about the woman and him finding her attractive, it’s more about whether they fancy him.

He clearly needs a lot of external validation, which is a need she probably feeds. The trouble is, if he is that insecure then he won’t ever feel like he gets enough validation. It doesn’t mean he’ll be unfaithful but he will be susceptible to flattery and attention. I guess it’s up to you to decide what you can tolerate. I think if you feel you’re not being respected then he’s crossed a line.

But isn't the female colleague leachy too if she offered to do his flies up?

No, that all depends on context. If "banter" is something she generally has to endure, then giving as good as she gets and saying something that might make him uncomfortable is fine IMO.

Depends on the context I guess

Keeping an eye doesn’t literally mean round the clock surveillance, it just means being a bit more alert to changes in behaviour that might indicate an issue. We all know our own partners and the signals are different for each person. I think it’s sensible for OP to stay aware in this situation.

I think offering to do up his fly was encouraging comments not discouraging them. If this was a man saying this to a woman it would be considered inappropriate. If she was genuinely sick of “banter” she would be more likely to be putting him down.

Seems I was right about you 😄

Who are you? 😐 😂

@Cherylscustardpies He’s obsessed with women finding him attractive. It’s strange really - rather than it being about the woman and him finding her attractive, it’s more about whether they fancy him.

That's really unhealthy and sounds like he has terrible self esteem.

How on earth have you landed yourself with him?

I wouldn't say he's cheating but he very clearly has no notion of professional boundaries and how to behave in a work setting.