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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Extras and Step Mother

54 replies

WhiteCoal · 12/04/2023 09:42

Hello, I'm planning my wedding and need some outside views on whether I'm being unreasonable not to pay for certain things my partners step mother says are "absolute must haves".

We're getting married in a venue 45 minutes away. There are some evening guests (work colleagues) and to be honest I wasn't planning on arranging a mini bus for them. DPs Step mother says this is awful and not the done thing and we need to put on transport.

She also isn't happy im only paying for the MoB and Bridesmaids accommodation for the night before. My thinking was that I'm asking them to be at the venue early for hair and makeup so I should cover that overnight cost and then if they choose to stay the night of they have the choice to pay to stay on, or get a cheaper hotel 5 mins away or of course can pop in a taxi home.

Me and DP are covering all costs but I'm genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable not budgeting for these and she seems to think its a significant and stingy misstep so I'm really keen for what you think and what you did/covered

YABU - pay up Ebenezer
YANBU - this isn't the done thing. Save your money for other expenses

OP posts:
Original poster
WhiteCoal · 12/04/2023 09:46

Should add, DP has said he's not sure either and whilst he's happy to telm step mother to leave it he so wants a general consensus

OP posts:
Xjshdvf · 12/04/2023 09:49

I’ve never heard of people doing those things do not sure why she thinks you should; we’re in the wedding phase too with ourselves and friends all getting married so I’ve been to a lot in the past few years.

rubyslippers · 12/04/2023 09:49

I think 45 mins to a venue for an evening only invite would be nice to put on a minibus - however not necessary and would add a lot to your budget
re the venue - I think paying for one night is generous but I would do it the night of the wedding and let them get to the venue early that morning?
i don’t think it’s any of her business unless she’s paying TBH
weddings seem to make people a bit OTT

Xjshdvf · 12/04/2023 09:51

With the mini bus too it’ll become a logistical nightmare as people will all need collecting and dropping off at different places so just leave them to work out taxi shares or who might drive.

Screwballs · 12/04/2023 09:52

More context needed on your partners relationship with his step mum, if she's been in his life from a baby then she maybe deserves a little more consideration. If dad is staying over, she should be too.

I've also never had transport to a wedding regardless of where it is so I don't think that is your cost to cover.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 12/04/2023 09:53

Is her issue that she thinks you should pay for the people you have mentioned to stay for 2 nights instead of one or that she thinks you should be paying for her? Either way she is U and it's none of her business. I would avoid discussing these sorts of details with her.

In terms of the bus, i have been to weddings where this was the case and ones where it wasn't. This is really up to you. If you have people all coming from different areas there isn't much point anyway. If you have chosen to get married where there is very limited transport/hotels available then it's a nice gesture. Completely up to you though.

LittleMG · 12/04/2023 09:55

Where would the mini bus pick up the evening guests from? Surely it won’t go round to their houses???? My wedding guests came from all over are they supposed to meet at the pick up point? Sounds ridiculous to me.

TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing · 12/04/2023 09:57

She needs to fuck off and mind her own business! Honestly I don't know how people put up with overbearing dickheads like this?

FUCK. OFF.

billy1966 · 12/04/2023 09:59

None of this is ANY of her business.

Tell him to tell her so.

A mini bus for your colleagues?🙄

Stop involving her in your business.

Aerosarethebest · 12/04/2023 09:59

You could open a what’s app group for people interested in sharing the cost of a taxi/minibus with other guests or even ride sharing. As a way of putting guests in contact with other guests going the same way.

Aerosarethebest · 12/04/2023 10:01

It’s only really a useful thing to consider if lots of guests live in a nearby town/city with good transportation links but the wedding is at a venue a distance out of town with no public transportation. Then chartering a mini-bus to do a trip between the wedding venue and the local transport hub could make sense. It’s a nice thing to do for guests who don’t have cars etc but it’s not compulsory by any means.

NBLarsen · 12/04/2023 10:11

A mini bus from a nearby town/train station is a nice touch, if you know everyone is coming from the same area. It's not compulsory of course, just considerate. I generally turn down wedding invitations if I'm only invited for the evening and it'll be difficult for me to get there - I'm not able to drive so if there's an expensive taxi trip involved and/or overnight hotel stay its not worth the expense for the few hours of the evening do.

Re hotel stays, again this is up to you. Most family weddings we've had at a venue involved agreeing a discounted rate for a few rooms for immediate family to stay night before and night after.

Original poster
WhiteCoal · 12/04/2023 11:01

@Screwballs The relationship is generally OK. She married DPs father when he was a teen and whilst they are not close they are always friendly. We don't see them often tbh.

I like her and value her opinion so that's why it gave me a bit to think about. My DP less so, but he's second guessing himself as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhiteCoal · 12/04/2023 11:02

The bus would likely be from our city centre, which has great transport links and lots of hotels etc if people didn't want to then make their way to individual homes.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 12/04/2023 11:06

Your arrangements sound just fine and a lot more generous than what we sometimes read about here.
Work colleagues have the choice of not going to the evening do, so you don't need to lay on a bus.
Paying for one night BM hotel is a nice touch, I've never had hotel covered for me as a BM so I wouldn't expect it on wedding night.

Original poster
WhiteCoal · 12/04/2023 11:10

@NBLarsen Our venue isn't a hotel, so I'm sourcing accommodation from local lodges/hotels and air bnbs (need to decide on which ones). The plan is to cover just those that need to be there first thing which currently looks like 8am for the bridesmaidsand mothers for hair and makeup.

I did offer to cover her hair and makeup as my DPs mum is getting hers done and they get on well enough, but she said no so won't have the same early start as others. All the same, she has been offered the same night before accommodation.

She is a lovely woman but with a firm idea of "what's done" and seemed really shocked we were doing things the way initially planned.

OP posts:
MeridasMum · 12/04/2023 11:20

I agree with PPs to do what you like and tell her to butt out, however, I'm surprised so many think a mini bus is unusual or unnecessary. Whenever I've been to a wedding that's not local to most of the guests, a bus has been put on. Maybe it's a Scottish thing?? It's really common here.

The bus would collect guests from a central location - city centre maybe - and return them to the same place (unless it drives past the end of your street and it'd drop you there).

To me, the 'right' thing to do would be to arrange transport, however, it's not a necessity if you can't afford it. It might put some people off attending though.

It's your decision not you stepMIL's. She need to wind her neck in

PinkFootstool · 12/04/2023 11:37

We organised coach transport from the hotel evening venue, over to the wedding venue and back to the hotel, but only because the logistics of getting 100 people into a small Cornish village was aways going to be a problem if they all tried to bring in cars!

My DM was horrified that we just jumped on the coach with everyone else and didn't have a fancy car. 🙄

It's your wedding. Do what works for your budget and what you actually want to have happening.

HurryShadow · 12/04/2023 12:03

A couple of comparisons for context. My friend got married in her local church and the reception was held about 45 mins away. Many people had travelled from overseas for the wedding, it was the middle of winter, and a lot of even the locals were elderly, so they hired a coach to do the transfer there and back.

When I got married, we did use one venue for both, but I also invited my colleagues to the evening do. I was considering offering to arrange a minibus, but my boss decided that it was a perfect excuse for "staff entertaining", so the company paid for taxis for everyone, so some could stay later drinking if they chose.

At our wedding we had people travelling from all over the country. Your guests have to get to your wedding in the first instance, and travel home again afterwards, so they're expecting to travel. Invitees will know of the journey between the two venues and if they're concerned, can mention it to you.

I've been to so many weddings where, post ceremony, the best man and ushers go around the guests asking if anyone has any spare car spaces to take other guests to the reception venue.

It's really not as big a deal as your SM is making out.

If it bother her that much, suggest she pay for it!

RuthW · 12/04/2023 12:08

You are correct

CornishGem1975 · 12/04/2023 12:14

I've been to some weddings that have put transport on like that, it's worked quite well but it's obviously an additional cost and not a necessity. Everyone will make their own plans without it.

Aerosarethebest · 12/04/2023 12:28

Having a bus available shouldn’t be expected but it does sort of absolve you of feeling any responsibility for guest’s behavior around drinking then (hopefully not) driving.

Namechange828492 · 12/04/2023 12:35

I think you should provide the bus. It's often a real ballache getting to/from venues, esp if Uber isnt readily available and it's much nicer for the guests. I have enjoyed weddings much more when im not worried about transport at the end of the night. We had one at ours and filled it with snacks, my friends still talk about the "snack bus" ten years later haha

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2023 12:36

I’m not sure why she gets an opinion.
My (not step) Mum didn’t tell me what we should or shouldn’t be having at our wedding and neither did Mil

RJnomore1 · 12/04/2023 12:38

Im in Scotland and I realise we do things differently (evening guests for example are NOT an insult/b list) but the bus woukd be quite normal. The hotel rooms not.