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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Extras and Step Mother

54 replies

WhiteCoal · 12/04/2023 09:42

Hello, I'm planning my wedding and need some outside views on whether I'm being unreasonable not to pay for certain things my partners step mother says are "absolute must haves".

We're getting married in a venue 45 minutes away. There are some evening guests (work colleagues) and to be honest I wasn't planning on arranging a mini bus for them. DPs Step mother says this is awful and not the done thing and we need to put on transport.

She also isn't happy im only paying for the MoB and Bridesmaids accommodation for the night before. My thinking was that I'm asking them to be at the venue early for hair and makeup so I should cover that overnight cost and then if they choose to stay the night of they have the choice to pay to stay on, or get a cheaper hotel 5 mins away or of course can pop in a taxi home.

Me and DP are covering all costs but I'm genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable not budgeting for these and she seems to think its a significant and stingy misstep so I'm really keen for what you think and what you did/covered

YABU - pay up Ebenezer
YANBU - this isn't the done thing. Save your money for other expenses

OP posts:
WeWereInParis · 12/04/2023 12:42

need some outside views on whether I'm being unreasonable not to pay for certain things my partners step mother says are "absolute must haves".

Didn't really need to read past this tbh - it's your wedding and it sounds like you're paying. Her opinion on what you must have isn't that relevant.

But the things you've mentioned I wouldn't consider must haves. I wouldn't expect to be provided with transport to get to a wedding. And for 45 mins I don't think you're unreasonable to not pay for more "night before" accommodation. I don't think I'd stay the night before my own wedding 45 mins away (not that you're wrong to do so, I'm just saying I don't think many people would expect you to pay for them to).

Clymene · 12/04/2023 12:43

I've been to weddings where there's transport between the place where the ceremony is held and the reception but never for the evening but only. And never heard of paying for hotel rooms!

Tell her she'd be welcome to cover the cost if she's thinks they're essential Smile

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 12/04/2023 13:07

I’ve never been to a wedding where there was transport laid on, but I DID arrange a minibus at my own wedding due to the quite rural location. The nearest town for BnBs and Hotels and stuff had NO taxi service. And it was pre Uber. Not that Ubers exist there now. And I also used the minibus myself to get to our wedding night accommodation. Which was above a pub, cos I forgot the reserve a decent room before the guests started booking 😆

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 12/04/2023 13:08

And it was a mini bus home only. No minibus to get guests there (cars were left at the wedding venue overnight)

itsgettingweird · 12/04/2023 13:12

I've never been to a wedding as a guest or evening guest that has had the hotel or travel costs covered.

People can decline if they don't want to pay for hotel or taxi.

To coin a MN phrase - it's an invite - not a summons.

Straightomyhead · 12/04/2023 13:17

If it helps about 5 years ago, I was invited to a work colleagues wedding which was about a 45 min drive.

We (a very lovely lady from my old work) organised a minibus for those going and about 15 of us had a fancy minibus from work and back again. We spilt it and was about £20 each.

The bride didn't get involved as far i know but was pleased we were all coming.

As to the hotels it would be a no from me. Upto people to organise there own on second night but if I was a brides maid I would ask if I could book the Airbnb the next night so I wouldn't have to pack up and move my stuff.

shelbaba · 12/04/2023 13:32

Any weddings that have been similar distance away that I've been invited to for the evening, they did put on a bus. It did a few different pick ups and drop offs. Mainly city centre and a two towns on the way which was where they were from.

I absolutely wouldn't expect u to pick up her accommodation bill for the night before. Although maybe it seems unfair as ur paying for ur own mum but not his. So ur paying for ur mum to stay over and get her hair and make up done but jot ur mil. I wouldn't do that to mil so I see where she's coming from. She probably thinks its a bit mean and why she has brought it up.

Original poster
WhiteCoal · 12/04/2023 14:24

Thanks everyone. Based on the responses I think we either sort a mini bus once we have evening numbers, but stand firm on the accommodation. I suppose it has the added bonus of knowing guests will leave the venue at the right time, and less likely to arrive too early or late.

Really appreciate everyone who took the time to respond.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhiteCoal · 12/04/2023 14:25

*we will sort

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 12/04/2023 14:34

MeridasMum · 12/04/2023 11:20

I agree with PPs to do what you like and tell her to butt out, however, I'm surprised so many think a mini bus is unusual or unnecessary. Whenever I've been to a wedding that's not local to most of the guests, a bus has been put on. Maybe it's a Scottish thing?? It's really common here.

The bus would collect guests from a central location - city centre maybe - and return them to the same place (unless it drives past the end of your street and it'd drop you there).

To me, the 'right' thing to do would be to arrange transport, however, it's not a necessity if you can't afford it. It might put some people off attending though.

It's your decision not you stepMIL's. She need to wind her neck in

Unless they can walk to their accommodation when the minibus gets back I don't see the point - they won't be able to drink.

I'd rather get in my own car and go straight home rather than faff about

Aerosarethebest · 12/04/2023 14:47

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2023 14:34

Unless they can walk to their accommodation when the minibus gets back I don't see the point - they won't be able to drink.

I'd rather get in my own car and go straight home rather than faff about

Show quote history

If they live in a large city with good transport including night buses and lots of hotels and the venue is rural the it might well work for guests. Even if they need a taxi after the minibus it will still be fair less expensive to have the longer rural bit done by minibus. If all the guests live rurally and are going home then no, it would be pointless.

CC4712 · 12/04/2023 15:13

I've been to a mix of weddings and only as a day guest, at maybe 2 weddings was a mini bus put on from a city centre to a more rural location. NEVER as an evening guest! Nor have hotels been paid for for MOB or bridesmaids. Nice if you can afford it, but certainly not mandatory. Do you have any other friends/cousins to talk to and bounce ideas off? What is common where you live?

Maybe step mothers ideas of weddings come from 1960's/70's.

My nan insisted we had sugared almonds because it was the 'done thing' when my mother married! (no, we aren't even Italian!)

She also suggested holding my bouquet low, to show that I wasn't trying to hide a pregnancy! 🙄

Ponderingwindow · 12/04/2023 15:25

I’m not a huge fan of being beholden to the minibus schedule. I’ve only used it when it is literally the only option to access the venue.

gogohmm · 12/04/2023 15:35

I've been to weddings with transport that was very helpful. Generally there's a central pick up point, so it only really works if everyone is coming from a set point

Tinkerbyebye · 12/04/2023 15:57

Yanbu

and I would tell step mom it’s not happening, and if she is that concerned about it then she can feel free to pay up and arrange it

Ffsmakeitstop · 12/04/2023 16:18

shelbaba · 12/04/2023 13:32

Any weddings that have been similar distance away that I've been invited to for the evening, they did put on a bus. It did a few different pick ups and drop offs. Mainly city centre and a two towns on the way which was where they were from.

I absolutely wouldn't expect u to pick up her accommodation bill for the night before. Although maybe it seems unfair as ur paying for ur own mum but not his. So ur paying for ur mum to stay over and get her hair and make up done but jot ur mil. I wouldn't do that to mil so I see where she's coming from. She probably thinks its a bit mean and why she has brought it up.

She is paying for groom's mum. This is his step mum. The op has also offered to pay for stepmil hair and make up and has been declined.
She's also only been in his life since he was a teen you can't pay for everyone.

DelphiniumBlue · 12/04/2023 16:26

I'd have thought it's the norm for the parents of the couple getting married to contribute, or at least pay for themselves, not ask their children to pay for them! The fact that she's his stepmother makes it worse - sounds like a CF! And why has she mentioned it rather than DH's Dad?
It might be nice to provide a minibus if there are a lot of people going back to a central point, but you'd need to find out how many takers there'd be before booking. I wouldn't expect it though, I'd think adults could arrange their own transport.

wordler · 12/04/2023 16:50

I wouldn’t do the transport for the evening guests - 45 mins isn’t far and lots of people like the freedom to leave in their own time rather than be stuck waiting for a bus with everyone else.

If you can only afford one night in the hit for the bridesmaids then I would ask them which night they’d prefer - they might be happy getting their early and then having the hotel room for the day of the wedding.

Noodles1234 · 12/04/2023 18:54

I do see where MoG can feel sidestepped when MoB gets night before, make up and all seemingly fun stuff. Personally I wouldn’t want a bride to be paying for me, but I’d love to be invited along to maybe the night before bubbles and nibbles.

I will sound ungrateful, but I really don’t like minibuses, I’ve got my nice frock and hat on and I’m being squeezed next to strangers in a minibus - I’d rather my own comfy car!

have a lovely wedding and enjoy!

ArrrMeHearties · 12/04/2023 19:00

Tell her to put her hand in her pocket and pay for extra x y and z herself if she's so desperate for said things

WowWowBow · 12/04/2023 19:10

My wedding was in a remote rural location (where I grew up) and there is basically no public transport there. We did put on a minibus to the nearest bigger village where most people were staying, because there wasn't really a taxi service and we wanted people to be able to have a drink. I think it did two runs, but the times were fixed so probably 11 (a few of the older generation left then) and midnight and I think we asked people to confirm if they wanted a seat. I can't actually remember because it was almost twenty years ago.

I've never known anyone else do that, so I don't think it's "the norm" and I wouldn't expect it, it but I can see why it might be a good idea in some circumstances. However, it doesn't sound like your venue is as badly served in terms of transport so I think only you can know if it's necessary.

meganorks · 12/04/2023 20:53

I've only heard of transport being laid on if everyone is staying in one place and then moving to a remote location for the reception.

Depends on your venue set up for rooms. If you have exclusive use and your wedding booking includes all the rooms I don't think it is fair to charge others for the room (ie if you pay say £5k and have 10 rooms regardless of whether they are used, i don't think its fair for you to try and recoup money by charging people to use them). If it's hotel and everyone pays for their own room, then what you have said seems fair.

THEDEACON · 13/04/2023 01:27

In Scotland a bus wouldnt be unusual

Original poster
WhiteCoal · 13/04/2023 08:15

We are in Scotland but on checking with my friends none of them put on a bus as they got married in nearby venues. My own mum reminded me of one cousin who married near my venue who put on a bus so that's decided it - transport will be arranged

@Noodles1234 DPs step mother is invited the night before, she's invited to stay and was given the option of having her hair and makeup done.

@meganorks the venue does come with accommodation, I'm sourcing local airbnbs/hotels/lodges so probably closer to the second scenario you describe

OP posts:
Original poster
WhiteCoal · 13/04/2023 08:23

Thanks everyone, I feel so much better for asking and getting so many points of view from you all.

OP posts: