Has anybody chosen not to 'settle down'

[Fruitandbarley1]

Most people I know seem to be dating in their 20s, then settled down at around 28-32. Countless people I know. I know biological clock plays a part, but there seems to be some sort of societal expectation that you have to get married at around this age, have 1-2 children then that's it then, that's the rest of your life, Fun's over, you need to be settled with this person and be a parent now, and you should own your own house by now.

I've heard some really awful comments about people like "No wonder she's single at 30." As if people don't choose to be single.
I have a gay male friend who's 39, he's single, no children and lives in a flat share, doesn't seem to be planning to 'settle down'
People have commented on how 'strange' it is.
I find it so narrow minded and that people can't think of other ways to live their life. There's also the ageism towards women and that they're 'past it' after 40 so should be looking for a partner prior to this.
Has anybody chosen not to do things this way and felt happier for it?

I'm 30 and bought my own flat recently - it's wonderful and i'm never going to share it with a partner.

I have no intention of 'settling down' in the traditional sense - marriage and kids don't interest me. I'd consider having a partner again, but they'd need to understand that we won't be moving-in together or otherwise merging into a 'we'.

When you get to the ‘other side’ of motherhood, eg youngest nearing 18 and the biological clock has stopped and menopause is looming you begin to realise that being married and having kids isn’t the be all and end all. When I was younger (biological clock ticking) I couldn’t understand women who didn’t want children.
I thought it was odd. Now I get it. And my 3 kids have not been problem kids at all, very close to oldest and we holiday together and younger two (18 & 15) have literally caused me no trouble (very lucky I know). I just think of all the other stuff those who stay single can do with their lives. I’ve literally devoted 30yrs of my last 46 to motherhood. I’ve not been able to please myself at all.

Depends what you mean by settle down. The idea of still partying every weekend in my 30s, after having dine it for 10+years sounds really boring to me.

I love a night out, seeing friends, dont get me wrong but that's what I did in my 20s and it was fun because it was short lived. I like a range of quieter things now.

If you mean staying single to travel, not be bound by term time, having a nice garden, reading and crafting in peace, morning walks on the beach followed by leisurely breakfasts, weekends away, regular voluntary work....I totally get that!

I am settled in a relationship with kids but if we split i wouldnt want another relationship because I like my own company and would enjoy living alone again, doing clubs and gym, visiting my kids in uni, weekends away. I dont think settling down and relationships are necessarily the same.

@Vegetus

Gay men act like children because they can get away with it.

Or maybe it’s just that as many of them don’t want children and don’t care about marriage they are immune to the snake oil that society has very successfully peddled women for millennia, which is that to “deserve” to be supported in motherhood they need to play along with the expectations of (heterosexual) men.

I agree it’s such a gross phrase. It simultaneously implies anything other than “settling down” is immature and not what real grown ups do, but also that your life is now boring and staid. The nuclear family and kids isn’t the only way to live life - it’s one way of many and they should all be equally respected

I chose to have an international job from 30-42. Then I came back to the Uk, took a UK job, met ds's dad, had ds at 45.

It wasn't exactly planned but I owned my house outright at 44. Had travelled to 30 countries. I went back to work after ds was born, carried on my career. Fun hasn't stopped, it just has a different backdrop. 🤗

Exactly. It manages to both express pity for single, child-free people while also implying they are living a kind of delusional Peter Pan existence.

I don't think being in a LTR/marriage signals the end of fun (or it shouldn't!)

This. I don’t recognise the recipe set out by the OP. I’m 50 and married with an 11 year old, but now-DH and I spent long periods of our relationship living happily on different continents, had our son late by choice, and we still move a lot. Certainly no ‘end of fun’ has been declared. A lot of our friends are our age or older, childfree and/or single, are artists, musicians or don’t have ‘traditional’ jobs, or have peripatetic lives where they spend part of the year working at a Buddhist centre and the rest living on a boat or guiding hikers in the Alps. It is absolutely not compulsory to marry at 28, have 2 children and live in a suburban semi-d while working some job you don’t like to service your mortgage.

Always refused to "settle" never mind "settle down". Only had one child from a failed relationship as a result, always dreamed of many kids and marriage. But it just didn't play out like that. My one regret will be not having more children, but I'll always stand by my decision not to persevere in a terrible situation nor land myself in another just to have more babies.

And now we find out the happiest demographic is unmarried childless women!
Who you have thought 🤷‍♀️

I'm middle aged. I married, had children then divorced very young. I've lived alone for the majority of my life. I've had boyfriends but not partners. I loved once but due to complicated circumstances never took it passed BF. I sometimes regret that and think about what could have been.lm pretty sure I'm unlikely to marry or even move in with anyone. I just cannot imagine anyone being worth what I'd give up. I do accept though that some things that are big to me might be considered trivial eg the thought of not regularly having 48hrs to myself would drive me mad. I don't mean 'me time' I mean a weekend in my house with just me. Realistically am I going to find someone who's prepared to regularly leave the house for at least a day.
I'm not joyously happy and my home is chappy, but I have peace of mind and I'm reasonably content.

I understand you frustration. I think its because for many women the goal on life is to be married and have children, and then once you've got that sometimes you wonder ... "is this it". It's almost like life has played a cruel little joke on you.

I never met a man I’d want to get involved with, and even if I had, I absolutely never wanted children. I’ve been overseas a few times. Other than that I lived quietly and went from job to not-very-well-paid-job until I had to take on being my mother’s carer and living on the carer pension. I wish I had more money, but that’s my only concern. I don’t think I’ve missed anything otherwise.

This is so well said. I only have a toddler, and I really miss "me". She is gone forever, and that makes me really sad

I'm 38 and happily married with a toddler. Definitely haven't lost myself or become a domestic slave. I find quite a few of my married friends aren't in equal partnerships though, they do much more around the house and with childcare despite working. I'd say my single and partnered friends seem equally happy though, just depends what you want in life.

I’ve literally devoted 30yrs of my last 46 to motherhood. I’ve not been able to please myself at all.

I had my children relatively young by current standards, 22, especially as I'm career orientated. And I feel I came to this conclusion perhaps much sooner than most I suppose due to the potential shortage of my youth, and as such I have parented and lived a family life that works for me as well as my children. Obviously there are compromises along the way; but I've gone for my career, go on holiday with DH, spend time with him, myself and others as well as being the best mum I can be. I have refused to give myself fully to anyone and absolutely prioritise myself as a person when I need to too. And I don't think my children are worse off for it, quite the opposite, they've been raised by parents who love and care for them but who have also modelled self-care. I don't think parents have to devote their lives to parenthood to be good parents.

‘Cruel little joke?’ Life doesn’t stop when you have children. Unless they’re severely disabled in some way. And/or you’ve got a really useless prick of a husband.

I'm 30, had a child at 23 and though they weren't planned, i wouldn't change it for the world. However, I have not settled down and still as single as the day I entered this world and I don't plan on changing that. Many people view their life as incomplete if they haven't reached those milestones and it has always baffled me because there's so much more to life than needing to settle down to feel like I've made it in life. I think I'm in the minority on this one though

I absolutely adore my 3 DCs. But if I had my life over again I wouldn’t have children. We’re living in a time now where women aren’t tucked away in the kitchen popping kids out. I tell my children often that having a life be it studying, travelling or working etc is the best way forward for as long as possible before settling down. I wouldn’t mind if all of my kids chose not to conceive I’d perfectly understand their reasoning x

I think it depends what you mean by settle down, as you get older it can be harder to cope with stress and change so from that point of view it's helpful if your life is settled and secure. The question then is about what you need to feel settled and secure, tying yourself to a person who turns out to be wrong for you would give you the very opposite of settled and secure!

I have refused to give myself fully to anyone
This phrase really stood out to me @cloudonego !
I think women generally are trained to give themselves fully to men, in my first marriage this is what I did, I trusted him 100% and he thoroughly exploited my trust. I'm sure that it was my naïvety and blind trust that attracted him to me, he pretended to give himself to me but it was just an act.

I didn't choose not to settle down. I thought I would be settled down in my 20s with my long term boyfriend but he cheated on me. I was basically single for about 15 years (went on plenty of dates) then I met someone else in my late 30s I fell in love with and finally thought that was it, and then he cheated on me. I am now 52 and still single. I never pictured myself being single at this age. I would still love to settle down with someone but I'm not physically attractive so I know it's the end for me. I just need to find some happiness being single.

so much on this , yes it does seem to be a bit of an accepted life journey I guess in some social circles. However, some people don’t get to have this they may not have the choice, it’s also ok to settle down earlier or later , settling down makes it sound like it’s the end of any type of fun, or having kids is kind of the beginning of your demise !! Jesus !

This, absolutely. Depends on family support though.

Doesn't matter what you do, people will whinge. If you settle down too early, your life is ruined and your boring. Too late and you're leftover and there's something wrong with you.