Has anybody chosen not to 'settle down'

[Fruitandbarley1]

Most people I know seem to be dating in their 20s, then settled down at around 28-32. Countless people I know. I know biological clock plays a part, but there seems to be some sort of societal expectation that you have to get married at around this age, have 1-2 children then that's it then, that's the rest of your life, Fun's over, you need to be settled with this person and be a parent now, and you should own your own house by now.

I've heard some really awful comments about people like "No wonder she's single at 30." As if people don't choose to be single.
I have a gay male friend who's 39, he's single, no children and lives in a flat share, doesn't seem to be planning to 'settle down'
People have commented on how 'strange' it is.
I find it so narrow minded and that people can't think of other ways to live their life. There's also the ageism towards women and that they're 'past it' after 40 so should be looking for a partner prior to this.
Has anybody chosen not to do things this way and felt happier for it?

I chose to settle down, but I think that being a wife and mother is usually a trap due to the extreme misogyny in society. Live your life the way that makes you happy.

OP You might want to amend your post OP so people know how to vote? (If you’re wanting to allow voting).

I'm 53. I didn't 'settle down' despite plenty of offers. The whole married with kids thing just never appealed. Still doesn't. I look at my friends and think thank God that's not me!

Well I've not "not chosen" to settle down because ideally I'd have loved a good partner to share my life with to a limited extent, but fate had other plans and it never happened. I refuse to put myself through any more of it and officially "retired" last year. It's a relief not to feel pressure to meet "him" anymore and I honestly can't imagine ever being with anyone now. It helps that I never wanted children anyway so I'm not worried about my biological clock ticking (I'm 38). Wish I had some like minded, single friends though.

I am 32 and I haven't settled down yet. I left a 14 year relationship. There is so much pressure (moreso on women) to settle down with someone, and you are right, why? People should be free to do as they wish and we should be less judgemental of others and how they choose to live their lives.

Marriage and kids aren’t for everyone and there are tons of bachelor characters in books/media so it’s not like it’s unheard of to stay single especially for men. But I would find it unusual for someone in their 40s to be living in a flatshare. I don’t think I could hack that many years of living with people I wasn’t related to or in love with!

I'm 39 and have settled happily by myself
I want someone who adds to my life and so far I haven't met the right person because I would rather "settle" being alone than putting up with someone who isn't right
If that makes sense!

I can only imagine what people must think of me!
I’m a total loser.

I haven’t chosen not to settle down, but never been in a relationship, never even been asked on a single date (how sad is that?).
I’m very ugly though, so no one has ever asked me why I’m not in a relationship or would I like to be in one, it’s kind of obvious looking at me.

I chose to settle down, but I think that being a wife and mother is usually a trap due to the extreme misogyny in society.

I don’t want to be rude, but why are so many women here complaining like this, I bet you wouldn’t want to swapped places with me.
Again, I don’t mean to be rude - and I apologize in advance. I just get frustrated reading people who have everything I want - and still not being happy.

Because society relentlessly hammers into women that the only way to have value in their lives is to be some man’s brood mare and domestic helpmeet. It is indeed incredibly depressing.

I think also a lot of people, having been bullied into settling down far too early, realise it’s a trap and feel jealous of those who are not tied down washing some bloke’s underpants. It’s these people who spout stuff like “no wonder she’s single”.

I was single through most of my 20s and 30s and I now realise how lucky I was. The only way to deal with this is smile serenely and ignore.

To be honest, I think that phrase is just as tedious when directed at people who have "settled down".

I met my husband when I was 18, married him at 28, and we'll have a baby this year at 34.

But we didn't go, "right, fun stops, we're with each other forever now, life sorted". We just took life as it came.

It's silly to assume that ours lives are set now because we've met and married. It doesn't work that way.

@NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs no offence taken, but I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 10 years. He left all of the child rearing to me while bitterly criticizing everything I did (and he still does this). Now I can never escape him because we have a child together, and he treats me as an emotional punching bag. I don't think that this is superior to being single.

I think this is true.

I met DH at 30 and was lucky I think that we did not settle down together- but had adventures together. We have spent a load of time living and working in different countries and when the Dcs were born they came along too. Now we are 'settled' (I am 50) in the UK but we are planning to move as soon as DS2 has finished school..... currently planning on Australia; the Netherlands or Cyprus but the plans may change.

But I got alot of criticism and was laughed at when i was travelling and working abroad before that. I recall one woman scoffing (when I took a fairly high profile job in Eastern Europe) ' God!! You'll never meet anypne and have children!'. She said it in such a sneering way. As if I were a lesser person and lesser human being.

I think that alot of people feel restricted by their lives and they want to reassure themselves that their path is the right path. So they want to see others validate what they have done by doing that.

I just thinkj- live a good life. have adventres (in whatever way that has meaning for you). Go out with friends. Chuck in bad jobs and look for better ones. Live well. If someone comes your way then that is great- but it does not happen for everyone. And that's okay too.

Well half of marriages end in divorce, so it isn't really a done deal.

I think the unfiltered bullshit of ‘settle down’ is right there in plain sight. Settle = ‘oh I suppose that’ll do’. Down = well, it’s not up, is it.

I agree with pp — people, women especially, are sold this settling down crap and most of the time it’s not in their interests at all.

Settle down = surrender bits of your independence and agency to a patriarchal society that gives the square root of zero fucks whether you’re happy and fulfilled or not.

Your gay friend gets it. Gay men might benefit from the patriarchy in some ways but they’re royally fucked over by it in plenty of others.

Live your life, be free, as the great philosopher Belinda Carlisle once said.

I do not understand the concept of ‘settling down’. And I am married, we’ve been together 11 years since early 20s. We/I do everything I’d want to do if I was single - travel, going out, hobbies etc, a mix of doing things together and on our own.

I suppose it depends on what you class as fun, I've certainly never thought of getting married and having kids as the end of fun, it's just different. Don't get me wrong I am excited for the freedom from caring responsibilities again as that is obviously different (although love having a family life too) but feel utterly grateful to have someone to share my life with, my husband enhances my life, not hinders it.

This is pretty patronising. Yes most women partner up and get married around that age because biology dictates it for women, especially if you want to have several children. It's just a fact. And having l young children does generally preclude having a ton of adventures.

If you don't want to have children that's fine, but it's pretty obvious why people who do want them (which is the majority of people) "settle down".

@Knullrufs and @Lcb123 you are both absolutely right that the phrase itself is dreadful, like a race to the bottom.

As others have said even if you do want to be married with children young (and personally I think it’s not a good life aspiration but I know lots of people want it), it doesn’t have to mean you shut off your life and interests and individuality.

It’s a throwback from some pre war era where you were expected to marry the first person you shagged and pop out loads of kids with them, slowly watching your life ebb away. “Settle down” can get in the bin.

And now I apologize again.

I shouldn’t have get so emotional (sensitive topic for me clearly) not that it’s an excuse.

I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through.

I had no idea people took offence, married people no less, about ’settled down’.
I thought it was the other way around, that it was to shame singles, chilfree/less people as immature and wrong.

Agree with all the above. And to say ‘the fun’s over’ is rubbish - ‘settling down’ and having kids can be plenty of fun. Parenting is hard work, yes, but fun too. Also, it just makes sense to try to own your home around this time. It’s a common thing to aspire to for good reason - who wants to lack that security and be trapped in the horrific private rental market beyond your 20s?

Not everyone gets the choice

I think it’s both tbh. It’s a phrase from a bygone era which was dominated by a puritanical, moralistic view of the world that regarded the idea of women wanting anything more from their lives than having babies with suspicion. And the idea of anyone over the age of about 25, married or single, male or female, having fun or doing anything for themselves as self indulgent.

As I say I think it’s a ghastly phrase. Of course having small children puts limits on your life but there’s no need to shut your aspirations down so early.

I'm mid 40's. I did settle down and got married in my late 20's. It was awful, eventually left the marriage with nothing but my clothes... Started again mid 30's with nothing, but I was at least much, much happier.

Have dated since then, but for one reason or another it never worked out. I'm now living alone (very happily), renting and saving money and focusing on all the things I love, my hobbies and such, and setting up my own business on the side of my day job. No plans to date for the forseeable, or indeed perhaps ever again to be candid. Relationships are hard work, and I love my own space and freedom.

Think I've reached a point where I can get what I want - human connection - through good solid friendships that have stood the test of time, and well, we all know how to give ourselves an orgasm don't we! I don't see what the point is of having a partner anymore, and feel that this has been a long time coming.

It feels good to have put the idea of another relationship firmly in the bin and the future seems brighter without even having to entertain the idea.

Ultimately my goal is to save enough to one day buy my own little place that is mine, all mine, security for my future that I've created through my own effort and have that wonderful little sanctuary that is owned by me. I never want to end up being tied to a man again. The thought of living with one again makes me shudder. It will take time and a lot of saving, but having my own goals to ensure my security as I get older has become very important.... Although do feel as though I'm late to all this... There was too much focus on "looking for the one", in my younger years and that's my biggest regret if I'm completely honest.

I've never wanted children, and feel not just at peace with that decision, but incredibly relieved I didn't compound what was already a terrible marriage into something that would no doubt have turned out to be an even more horrendous situation.

@Knullrufs agree with you 100%!
Independence tastes so good, like hell am I letting go of that again... Just wish I'd learned this years ago, but the younger version was a lot more insecure and I honestly felt having a man in my life was the answer which turned out to be absolutely incorrectly for me, personally.

If I did have a daughter, I would be advising them to make sure they have their own career, and financial independence as a bare minimum before settling down. And always, always, keep a F.O.F (fuck off fund), because as much as we all get married thinking it will be forever, how many countless threads do we see on here, and stories amongst people we know in real life where things don't turn out as hoped and the woman is either left completely stuck, often with kids, in a terrible situation and terrified to leave because they don't know how they'll survive financially. I found it really hard to leave my own marriage and start again, and can't imagine how difficult it must be for those with children.

I got married age 30. 35 now, no kids, and will probably never have any. Instead DH and I upended our lives and moved abroad 3 years ago. I spent 3 months traveling solo just before we moved. I'm off again for 3 months later this year, DH will come with me for half that time. I'm very happy in my un/semi-settled life.

However, I also know women with kids who have moved abroad, gone traveling in a campervan across Europe for 2 months etc. Of course these things might be easier without kids, but they're impossible.