Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has anybody chosen not to 'settle down'

77 replies

Fruitandbarley1 · 11/04/2023 16:11

Most people I know seem to be dating in their 20s, then settled down at around 28-32. Countless people I know. I know biological clock plays a part, but there seems to be some sort of societal expectation that you have to get married at around this age, have 1-2 children then that's it then, that's the rest of your life, Fun's over, you need to be settled with this person and be a parent now, and you should own your own house by now.

I've heard some really awful comments about people like "No wonder she's single at 30." As if people don't choose to be single.
I have a gay male friend who's 39, he's single, no children and lives in a flat share, doesn't seem to be planning to 'settle down'
People have commented on how 'strange' it is.
I find it so narrow minded and that people can't think of other ways to live their life. There's also the ageism towards women and that they're 'past it' after 40 so should be looking for a partner prior to this.
Has anybody chosen not to do things this way and felt happier for it?

OP posts:
drpet49 · 11/04/2023 17:55

Lcb123 · 11/04/2023 17:22

I do not understand the concept of ‘settling down’. And I am married, we’ve been together 11 years since early 20s. We/I do everything I’d want to do if I was single - travel, going out, hobbies etc, a mix of doing things together and on our own.

This. OP has a a very ignorant view.

Original poster
Fruitandbarley1 · 11/04/2023 18:43

drpet49 · 11/04/2023 17:55

This. OP has a a very ignorant view.

Show quote history

Ok then 😂

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 11/04/2023 18:53

there seems to be some sort of societal expectation that you have to

Looking back, I've pretty much lived my life by doing the exact opposite of whatever 'societal expectation' existed.

It's been great fun and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

SunsetsInVenice · 11/04/2023 18:55

Have a colleague who is 39, single, no kids and still at home.
Can't help but feel sorry for her. She seems and looks so much younger and I do feel it must be a very lonely life.

FinallyHere · 11/04/2023 19:04

it must be a very lonely life

It really depends on the person's earning power. With an interesting, high powered job, great salary and no dependents the world is your oyster.

Dead end job, not so much.

Whenisitsummer · 11/04/2023 19:07

I think most people don’t make these decisions consciously, they just live their lives and see where it takes them.

NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs · 11/04/2023 19:09

SunsetsInVenice · 11/04/2023 18:55

Have a colleague who is 39, single, no kids and still at home.
Can't help but feel sorry for her. She seems and looks so much younger and I do feel it must be a very lonely life.

Will this was an awful post!

lala2023 · 11/04/2023 19:10

@SunsetsInVenice how patronising and smug

NoraLuka · 11/04/2023 19:13

Agree with @Whenisitsummer most people don’t make a conscious decision, meeting someone (or not) is mostly down to luck and circumstances.

Comfies · 11/04/2023 19:14

I think this expectation is not anywhere near as prevalent as it used to be and that's a really good thing.

I know a number of people who aren't part of a couple and have never been married or had children. I also know some couples who have been together since their teens but do not want children at all. These are things which would have been seen as 'lesser than' in the past and are now celebrated as they should be. It's just nice if people can make their own choices.

I would also say thought that I do know some single, childless people (all women in the cases I'm thinking of) who would absolutely love to settle down but have not been able to as they just haven't met the right person. That is sad because the choice has been taken away, NOT because it is sad to be single. It isn't. It is just shit when you have no say in the matter. But nobody owes anyone a relationship or marriage and kids so what can you do?

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/04/2023 19:20

SunsetsInVenice · 11/04/2023 18:55

Have a colleague who is 39, single, no kids and still at home.
Can't help but feel sorry for her. She seems and looks so much younger and I do feel it must be a very lonely life.

Fuck me what an awful post and what a complete lack of self-awareness.

This smugness and ignorance is exactly what the OP is talking about.

girlwhowearsglasses · 11/04/2023 19:24

Don’t worry OP. In about ten years people will have all come out the other end of this. Relationships will have stuck - or not, life changing events will have happened like separation, parents dying, kids being ill, retraining or whatever, and kids grow up, and those who didn’t have them start to have more in common again with their old friends who did…

I’m 49 and on my third or 4th career, got married after Covid to my partner of 25 years… we had kids first, then bought a house, then got married! Lots of friends who got married are divorced - went to my first friend’ second wedding last year.

I think 28-32 is the last age of conformism before everything widens out to realism and ‘shit happens’

settle down? My kids are teens, I’m planning the gap year still ;-)

girlwhowearsglasses · 11/04/2023 19:26

Oh and also: ‘still at home’ can easily slide into ‘elderly parents moving in with you’! One of mine has come to us now… so stop judging that one!

BoojaBooj2 · 11/04/2023 19:39

FinallyHere · 11/04/2023 19:04

it must be a very lonely life

It really depends on the person's earning power. With an interesting, high powered job, great salary and no dependents the world is your oyster.

Dead end job, not so much.

There are so many non-materialistic ways to find meaning! Off the one of my head people locally volunteer, sing in the local choir. Your job and salary don’t define you.

OP I’m not sure if it’s about socioeconomics. Life as a single person is expensive and it’s getting harder to buy a property single.

But there are loads of threads r.e ‘happy single women’ on mumsnet, have a go at the search function.

People judge women on everything they do, kids/no kids, every thing. We shouldn’t give a damn. It’s our lives. They can f* off.

userxx · 11/04/2023 19:41

NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs · 11/04/2023 16:57

I can only imagine what people must think of me!
I’m a total loser.

I haven’t chosen not to settle down, but never been in a relationship, never even been asked on a single date (how sad is that?).
I’m very ugly though, so no one has ever asked me why I’m not in a relationship or would I like to be in one, it’s kind of obvious looking at me.

I chose to settle down, but I think that being a wife and mother is usually a trap due to the extreme misogyny in society.

I don’t want to be rude, but why are so many women here complaining like this, I bet you wouldn’t want to swapped places with me.
Again, I don’t mean to be rude - and I apologize in advance. I just get frustrated reading people who have everything I want - and still not being happy.

You need to take those rose tinted specs off, it's not doing you any favours.

userxx · 11/04/2023 19:45

SunsetsInVenice · 11/04/2023 18:55

Have a colleague who is 39, single, no kids and still at home.
Can't help but feel sorry for her. She seems and looks so much younger and I do feel it must be a very lonely life.

She might feel sorry for you, I feel kind of sorry for you.

emmathedilemma · 11/04/2023 19:50

The only person who I’ve ever known comment on the fact that I’m perpetually single was my somewhat old fashioned aunt who suggested to my parents that perhaps I was gay and that’s why I hadn’t settled down…….ermmm no……just not met the right person or willing to dive right into the wrong person as one her daughters seems to have done a number of times.
anyway, being single is great (apart from paying the bills on your own) and I absolutely don’t regret not having kids. I have a career that I mostly enjoy and opportunities I would struggle to take if I had kids at home, a hobby that I’ve made great friends through and a decent disposable income to do with as I please.

ashtraygirll · 11/04/2023 19:51

Why are you not challenging people who deem your gay friends life as odd?

Your question is ridiculous though. Of course people choose to not settle down. Society will question everything, you settle down then it’s why don’t you want children? Have a child, then it’s are you having a second?

garlictwist · 11/04/2023 19:56

I think it depends on your social circle. Most of my friends are unmarried and have no kids in their forties, although some are in LTRs, just never tied the knot. I think the marriage and kids thing isn't always everyone's cup of tea.

HighInfidelity · 11/04/2023 19:57

I’m single and in my mid-30s and I know lots of other single people my age and older so I don’t think it’s unusual. I’ve always been happier single than I have in relationships so I have no plans to be anything other than single.

TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing · 11/04/2023 19:58

emmathedilemma · 11/04/2023 19:50

The only person who I’ve ever known comment on the fact that I’m perpetually single was my somewhat old fashioned aunt who suggested to my parents that perhaps I was gay and that’s why I hadn’t settled down…….ermmm no……just not met the right person or willing to dive right into the wrong person as one her daughters seems to have done a number of times.
anyway, being single is great (apart from paying the bills on your own) and I absolutely don’t regret not having kids. I have a career that I mostly enjoy and opportunities I would struggle to take if I had kids at home, a hobby that I’ve made great friends through and a decent disposable income to do with as I please.

We might pay the bills on our own but hey at least we don't have to compromise on wallpaper etc!

Fuck. That.

Comfies · 11/04/2023 19:59

ashtraygirll · 11/04/2023 19:51

Why are you not challenging people who deem your gay friends life as odd?

Your question is ridiculous though. Of course people choose to not settle down. Society will question everything, you settle down then it’s why don’t you want children? Have a child, then it’s are you having a second?

Tbh, any number of children is seen as too few or too many depending on which flavour of moralising twat you ask. You really cannot win, so best please yourself

Mynewname2023 · 11/04/2023 20:01

I think there is awful pressure on women to marry and have kids. However, it’s natural to want to settle down especially if you want children. I am engaged, I’ve been with my partner 7 years, I don’t feel tied down I am just content. We travel etc together, I was single for two years before we met and I enjoyed being single but I always wanted to meet someone to do things together. Being single is great if you have friends to go out with, hobbies etc. But for me, the right partner has only added and enriched my life, I don’t feel I am missing out on anything.

Coffeellama · 11/04/2023 20:02

get married at around this age, have 1-2 children then that's it then, that's the rest of your life, Fun's over, you need to be settled with this person and be a parent now

Why do you assume nobody has any fun or does anything with their lives once they’ve had kids? Life doesn’t end or have to be boring. YABU, live your life however you want to, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being single or not having kids, but YABU to assume anyone else is doing things wrong or miserable because they’ve done things differently.

Vegetus · 11/04/2023 20:03

Knullrufs · 11/04/2023 17:18

I think the unfiltered bullshit of ‘settle down’ is right there in plain sight. Settle = ‘oh I suppose that’ll do’. Down = well, it’s not up, is it.

I agree with pp — people, women especially, are sold this settling down crap and most of the time it’s not in their interests at all.

Settle down = surrender bits of your independence and agency to a patriarchal society that gives the square root of zero fucks whether you’re happy and fulfilled or not.

Your gay friend gets it. Gay men might benefit from the patriarchy in some ways but they’re royally fucked over by it in plenty of others.

Live your life, be free, as the great philosopher Belinda Carlisle once said.

Gay men act like children because they can get away with it.