Irrational fear of spending money

[Mmmpomello]

Hi all, please be gentle. Sorry if this is long.

I am currently massively struggling, and have done so for years, with spending money. Before I start I want to stress that I know many people really struggle for money and I am really sorry if I offend anyone.

As a caveat, and most likely the root causes - I have ADHD, anxiety and depression and had anorexia for most of my late teens/20s. I'm now recovered and late 30s. My family was pretty poor growing up; I remember nearly losing the family house, lots of stress about money, very cheap meals and being bullied for being a 'tramp' as my parents couldn't deck me in Adidas. Thede are overriding memories of my childhood.

As a result I find it incredibly hard to spend and not hoard money. This has contributed to me owning a substantial part of my own home despite low paying jobs, having interesting life experiences, and having several 10ks in savings. But on the flip side, day to day spending is torture, particularly buying quality food and clothes and general living. I'll buy the cheapest things or go without and agonise for hours. Recent food hikes have been incredibly stressful and have limited my diet. Whenever I do nice things like go for a meal or buy a coffee I feel incredibly guilty (which cancels out the fun). Everything I own has to be second hand and I can make life super hard (e.g. get 4 trains instead of 1 because it's slightly cheaper). I can be very generous to others (e.g. bought my parents electric bikes), but can also be considered tight and stingy with smaller spends. It's odd, but large spends can be OK whilst £2 can be impossible. I have compulsions to steal/be grabby and can get obsessed with a good deal, e.g. browse eBay for days instead of spend an extra fiver. In some cases though I can be stupid and wasteful with money - I'm a self employed maker and can waste a lot on unused materials and compulsive buys, and my car is rusting because I haven't spent a fiver washing it in 3 years. It's completely stupid and irrational.

I feel like I'm wasting my life. I already have regrets and fear what I will continue to miss out on. I am so, so fortunate to not be short of money and have worked so hard for it. But I cannot enjoy it and my mental health is really poor. The guilt is unbearable. I feel like the numbers on my online banking rule my life which is utterly pointless as they are literally pixels on a screen. I can't go on a nice holiday, or have a massage, or go horse riding, even though I COULD and yearn for these things. I can't spend money on a dog sitter so I can enjoy life.

It's hard to explain, but the guilt I feel just makes it unenjoyable/pointless.

Can anyone recognise this and offer any help? It's almost like a money version of my past eating disorder - like I'm skinny and can afford to eat food, yet can't.

Thanks for listening and sorry it was long and probably on the wrong board, and again I appreciate if those struggling for money think I'm a massive twat.

Good morning.

I don't have any experience of this but I wanted to reach out and tell you that I think you are amazing for sharing your story and asking for help.

Sending so much love.

No answer but recognising it is an issue is a start, your right it sounds like restrictive eating but with money.

Can you see if there are any ways of accessing some therapy? Your EAP? Via your GP? Sorry I am in Australia so not knowledgeable about where you are.

I would stay away from a financial planner as they would be getting all excited about your restraint without recognition of the psychological effects it is having on you.

Thanks for being kind. I agree that GP/counselling or something would be really helpful, and I am really trying to gear myself up to pay for private counselling (oh the irony!!!). How do you go to a GP though and say you need help spending your savings? I'd sound awful. And having being on waiting lists for mental health for years, I can't imagine this being a priority in services!!

My partner has moved in and I am absolutely freaking out about our mismatch in spending. He has well and truly lived his life and has had wonderful experiences because he worked, then travelled with the money. But maybe this could help, something like assigning him to do the food shopping and then me paying him back could be worth a try.

Ugh there is so much to unpick and I just see myself as Scrooge. People don't see my anxiety when doing something simple like picking from a menu or buying a bloody pack of ibuprofen or a bottle of water. I just dread to think what people think because it's just an utterly pointlessly pathetic problem to have and I must sound like I'm stealth boasting or whatever the phrase is.

I would reach out to your gp are you medicated for your anxiety and adhd. What you describe as your Struggles isn't outside the realm of OCD and can run along side the adhd. Being good with money is a fantastic skill but agonising over the decisions to spend insignificant amounts that would be of a mental benefit to your life is forcing yourself to re live your childhood trauma is almost self punishment and although your food control you say is recovered (congratulations BTW!!!) Your passing the same level of control into another area of your life. Definitely seek help and treat yourself to private therapy you are worth it!!! Don't stay trapped as the the little girl you once was, it's OK to take your life back xx

Yanbu. Poverty & financial stress as a child leaves its mark.

I'm similar although to a lesser extent. I never have coffee out or buy bottled water, will agonise over every purchase, always look for a less expensive way to do things, find it incredibly difficult to book holidays etc.

I find it difficult to watch a partner's spending, especially if they are genuinely wasteful. But there is a good side to your habits in that you are more financially stable than many. That is a good thing.

I find it helps to agree a joint budget for things, ahead of time. You can find a middle ground and also spot if the partner is going way beyond your comfort zone. Explain the issue to him, and take it one purchase at a time.

Sorry you're struggling.

I think your issue is above our pay grade and the only advice I can offer is to seek counselling because clearly there are a lot of deep seated issues to unpack here.

I think you can set aside the worry that you come across as a stealth boaster - you’ve described the problem very articulately here and I’m sure you’d be able to do so again at the GP. Good luck

I think it's very simple . You have seen poverty and the stress of not having the basics as a child and your fear is going back to that . It doesn't have to dictate your life going forward though . Put a sum aside that you feel would tide you over if you lost your job or became unwell eg £10k or whatever you feel happy with . Then look to your partners habits to enjoy more in life .
When you get paid , after bills set aside a savings sum and then a spending sum to enjoy life .
There's no point being the richest person in the graveyard who never went anywhere or did anything .

Some of your restrictions sound problematic, others are within the realm of normal. I'm saying that just to help you realise you aren't 'doing it all wrong', and I agree with PPsgou need help.
I'd definitely start with the GP. Medication can take the edge off and allow you to access therapy, enabling you to improve and make decisions about managing your health from a position of strength.

Does your partner understand? I would find it very challenging to live with a partner who has very different financial priorities.

DH is somewhat like you, (he thinks he has ASD). I'm a little more relaxed. We have excellent savings and don't fear poverty or unexpected expenses.
He does struggle to enjoy normal small spends though. We wouldn't buy a single can of pop in a shop if we were thirsty, for example.

It helps us to budget for those things ahead of time, so we know the money is allocated and available to spend. For example if we are on a day trip, actively plan to spend £10 each on food/snacks while we are out. That way a slice of cake and a coffee becomes 'within budget' rather than 'ridiculously expensive'.

It does sound hard.

My mum is a bit like this. She grew up very poor and now she has absolutely loads of money. She would never buy anything unnecessary either, like ibuprofen or a bottle of water.

She didn't buy a magazine she would have enjoyed reading 'because there might be free newspapers' on a flight to Australia. 27 hours it was. But she would rather have the three pounds in her bank account.

On the flip side she will go on big holidays. She has a lovely home and looks after the things in it. She's only ever had two sofas in her life. One when she got married 52 years ago, two years before I was born and one when I was 22. But if you went into her living room you would think 'oh what a lovely room'

She hardly spends any money on food. She doesn't eat junk but she eats very small amounts. Nowadays that's probably an age thing too.

Anyway, I don't know that she feels like she would do anything differently, she's certainly happy with the life she has but from my perspective she has definitely deprived herself of things that she would have enjoyed. But thinking about it now maybe she wouldn't agree.

She is far better off than most of her friends and it's from her lifestyle rather than money she has earned. Half a century of never buying a bottle of water when she is thirsty. She has a really, really active social life and she is the one who hosts things. Yesterday she was talking about what she was going to do for the coronation for example.

She talks about money and the spending of money frequently but about the small things. Like bus fares.

Thanks everyone for your understanding and also for some good advice - I think talking to my partner and setting aside some money for 'nice' things may help. It's very hard though, I desperately want to enjoy these things but can't. I think my partner is understanding and will continue to be if I open up a bit more about it, and hopefully he will challenge some of this without it being overwhelming.

It's so sad, I have the money right now to live my 'dream' of buying a campervan and travelling for a year. But I know I wouldn't enjoy it because I would feel so guilty. I really want to get to a place where I can do things like that and genuinely enjoy it.

I don't have any experience with this but I think realising there's an issue and recognising it, is a massive step forward. Plenty of people could just write it off as you being 'careful with money' but you know deep down that there's bigger issues and it's making you really unhappy. That's huge!

I’m going to suggest you check out the budgeting app YNAB. I think its philosophy might be freeing to you. A lot of people find it changes their underlying attitudes to spending money - in some ways encouraging them to spend in line with their principles and priorities, not to scrimp for the sake of it but to think about where the money can best be put to use.

If you want to know more about YNAB there’s a thread here and I’m sure everyone would be delighted to talk about the psychology of money.

You don't sound at all like you are boasting and your GP will not think that you are. It absolutely sounds like a translation of your anorexia to a similar obsession with money.

Posting your concerns is a good start. Counselling seems like a good next step. Private counselling is more than a fiver, so I hope it fits into your category of being a "large spend." It might even help to think of it as being as much a gift for your partner as just for you.

@pickledandpuzzled and @MintJulia this sounds very similar in that it's the small potentially unnecessary things that are the hardest. I find it very difficult to get rid of things too if they have future potential (the magazine thing made me chuckle as I have a pile of half filled puzzle books that I am agonizing over getting rid of). I can fret over those more than buying a sofa or even my house!! I think this is both a hangup from having to go without in childhood - I remember being very all or nothing with money - we had things like regular pocket money that was predictable, and then mum and dad always went above their means for birthdays and Christmas, and we had amazing things like a pony on loan and pets, but there was very little spontaneous or frivolous spending. There was also little opportunity for that - I don't remember ever going shopping as I had no interest and wanted to play outdoors with nature and was never into makeup or normal teenage things. Dad used to drive us to see bands and I'd spend my pocket money on train tickets but there was always an overhanging theme of poorness and having to be careful and budget.

I do remember this getting much better in later teens when I got my own money, but I was never comfortable and I remember everything being based off the concept of saving up. I got very obsessed and still am with reduced food in supermarkets and totting up what I had saved and putting that away for something like a gig, but then I would put it away and then not save it, and it got worse from there.

Please keep coming with the advice and tips as obvious as they may seem!

Ok, how about this?

I was brought up and suspect you were too with the attitude 'look after the pennies and the pounds will...'.

An alternative attitude that rationally you can now afford, is to reject 'nickel and dime-ing'.
So don't obsess over small amounts that don't matter.
Value your time and your comfort so you save the hour and the petrol wasted driving to and from the shop to get a £4 refund.

How does that sit?

Buying an ice cream on a day out adds value to the outing. It saves hour of discomfort waiting til you get to the car where you left your water bottle.

Recycling your puzzle books after they have had the best puzzles done is environmentally sound. Get a puzzle book more to your taste. See it as the positive act of recycling and tidying, rather than throwing away.

I feel for you, I never luckily had your childhood, tho my parents were fairly careful.
what has changed me is having Parkinson’s at 60, prob 5 yrs I’m told, told a good 10 yrs, luckily things are not too bad.
i get help in benefits and a free bus pass, I’m living my best life,while being careful money wise.
One of my biggest joys is dear cat ( tho more expensive than old cat, as wet food and litter, other one didn’t), soothes me.
Hopefully you can find a balance and enjoy your money, you only live once

You absolutely know you need to spend on therapy. If you were looking for our permission, you have it.

This is rooted so deeply in family issues that no stranger on the internet is going to be able to properly help you. There’s no quick fix. But the great news is, you can absolutely fix this. With proper support you could manage this and allow yourself a better life.

Reading your post I wondered if you may also have an issue with self esteem - you feel guilty about spending money on yourself because for some reason you think you aren't worth it? I only say this because I have this problem a bit and also because you say that you were happy to spend money on your parents. Good luck OP

recognising it is half the problem.
With things like the elongated train trips, why not think about the value of your time? - if the train takes an extra 2 hours but saves you £2.50, was the saving worth it, how much could you have earned in that time?
I can see that could be counter productive with food shopping though. Would setting yourself a budget help? So that you know you have £50 for food shopping or whatever.

It's good you're open to seeing the GP OP, they won't think anything badly about you seeking help for this, they will recognise the effect its having on your life and also see it as something you can control and so you do. I have ADHD and used to struggle a lot with this, I'd spend money on DC (even then it'd be sale or discounted stuff- nice but I'd spend hours and hours searching for it, filling an online basket and emptying it again and then feeling guilt) but never on nice things for me. Medication has helped and I did have a course of therapy which addressed other things which helped me realise why I do this. I am doing better now but I do still feel misplaced guilt about it and have to constantly work and push myself to ensure I don't pass on this behaviour to DC or have it affect them.

Hi OP, i recognise a bit of myself in what you post, for me the problem comes more with large purchases which i struggle to make even though I need the item.

I really think you should try private counselling, it would be a fantastic thing to do for yourself and hopefully would improve your quality of life.

Could you also try a sinking funds type approach - so for each budget category you have a pool of money to use however you like, you might find this feels more freeing because the pot of money has already been allocated.

You deserve to be happy op.

If you pay for therapy/ counselling it will help you run your business finances too as you say they are effected.

I really hope you do it - and after the sessions book in for some horseriding lessons. You can have a really fun life and you must give it to yourself.

Good luck op.

OP I am like this and I’m in therapy. My therapist said it’s a lot of similar factors to you. I won’t go into too much detail, but my dad was a gambler, an alcoholic, my mum had to take control of money. Dad was super reckless, I started helping mum financially sort the house from around the age of 10 (she is pretty much illiterate so I soon became more astute at reading letters, sorting out insurance etc).

It’s awful being like this, my therapist has tried to support me/reassure me I’m not in the same complicated place I was as a child. That we are financially secure. Each morning I wake up running through expenses in my head, stressing about what needs paying out. I am having issues with just being kind to myself too.

My therapist has asked me to take small steps on spending money on myself and to see how it feels. It’s really very hard. My DH has booked us a holiday next week and I’m so stressed even though it’s booked and paid for by him, at the cost of it! And how much it’s costing etc.

im finding I’m hearing my DC say certain things and I’m passing my concerns around money onto them which is bothering me so I need to start trying harder. I guess I just wanted to say I understand.