Irrational fear of spending money

[Mmmpomello]

Hi all, please be gentle. Sorry if this is long.

I am currently massively struggling, and have done so for years, with spending money. Before I start I want to stress that I know many people really struggle for money and I am really sorry if I offend anyone.

As a caveat, and most likely the root causes - I have ADHD, anxiety and depression and had anorexia for most of my late teens/20s. I'm now recovered and late 30s. My family was pretty poor growing up; I remember nearly losing the family house, lots of stress about money, very cheap meals and being bullied for being a 'tramp' as my parents couldn't deck me in Adidas. Thede are overriding memories of my childhood.

As a result I find it incredibly hard to spend and not hoard money. This has contributed to me owning a substantial part of my own home despite low paying jobs, having interesting life experiences, and having several 10ks in savings. But on the flip side, day to day spending is torture, particularly buying quality food and clothes and general living. I'll buy the cheapest things or go without and agonise for hours. Recent food hikes have been incredibly stressful and have limited my diet. Whenever I do nice things like go for a meal or buy a coffee I feel incredibly guilty (which cancels out the fun). Everything I own has to be second hand and I can make life super hard (e.g. get 4 trains instead of 1 because it's slightly cheaper). I can be very generous to others (e.g. bought my parents electric bikes), but can also be considered tight and stingy with smaller spends. It's odd, but large spends can be OK whilst £2 can be impossible. I have compulsions to steal/be grabby and can get obsessed with a good deal, e.g. browse eBay for days instead of spend an extra fiver. In some cases though I can be stupid and wasteful with money - I'm a self employed maker and can waste a lot on unused materials and compulsive buys, and my car is rusting because I haven't spent a fiver washing it in 3 years. It's completely stupid and irrational.

I feel like I'm wasting my life. I already have regrets and fear what I will continue to miss out on. I am so, so fortunate to not be short of money and have worked so hard for it. But I cannot enjoy it and my mental health is really poor. The guilt is unbearable. I feel like the numbers on my online banking rule my life which is utterly pointless as they are literally pixels on a screen. I can't go on a nice holiday, or have a massage, or go horse riding, even though I COULD and yearn for these things. I can't spend money on a dog sitter so I can enjoy life.

It's hard to explain, but the guilt I feel just makes it unenjoyable/pointless.

Can anyone recognise this and offer any help? It's almost like a money version of my past eating disorder - like I'm skinny and can afford to eat food, yet can't.

Thanks for listening and sorry it was long and probably on the wrong board, and again I appreciate if those struggling for money think I'm a massive twat.

@Mmmpomello -have you ever heard the expression "poverty mindset"? It's something that affects many people who have grown up in families that struggled. I heard the comedian Rob Beckett talking about it-he was commissioned to write a book just before lockdown, and couldn't bring himself to buy a laptop "because we've already got one." Even though his wife needed it for work and the kids needed it for home schooling. He was trying to write a book at times when nobody else needed it. Eventually he realised that he was so deeply conditioned to only buying what was obviously absolutely essential that he couldn't spend money that he had on something that he needed. I'm not sure if that anecdote will help, but I wanted you to know that poverty mindset is a real thing that affects lots of people.

Gosh this really resonates.

Artist parents, Father an extravagant spender who didn't recognise the need for basics or comfort. Life was never dull when Gypsy caravans and the like arrived.

Mother trying to hold everything else together on a shoe string.
Whole family ND.

I'm now 54 dyslexic and ADHD, probably quite comfortable with no debts, £2m house, £300 rental property and £400k SIPP and savings around £30k and honestly we live in some ways as if we were poor.

We are also workaholics.

Always spend on good food and health treatments as I've a long term health condition but DH 66 and I find clothes, furniture and help round the house almost impossible to spend on.

We can be impulsive with big spends, buying houses at auction unseen and a £100k used kitchen at a quarter of the price without viewing it. Thats the dopamine though I suspect.

We recently used a financial advisor who was utterly bemused at our inability to spend and likened his sessions to counselling.

We've made a couple of changes, I "allowed" myself to completely update my wardrobe but only on Vinted. Honestly it was ridiculous for example I was using my DD's grubby old purse from 2013 and favourite clothes were too damaged to wear. I also struggle to get rid of things.

Had great fun spending £2k over a month replacing like for like so I could then throw out the worn originals but predictably struggled to stop and had to go cold Turkey.

We also went against all our principles and got a loan for an amazing camper van.

I'm terrified of it now it's here and just want to Ostrich but I actually think having to pay a monthly sum will force us to stop working and use it.

I appreciate my behaviour isn't that normal but I don't think counselling would help, I just needed to be brave and review our financial priorities.

I recognise a lot of what you say in my own struggles with spending.

I could have whatever clothes I wanted (within reason of course) but I just can't buy them because I agonise so much over purchases for myself.

DH on the other hand loves spending money on clothes and really does encourage me to do the same. He asks me if I like something - I say yes, it's okay, so he'll put it straight in the trolley, no arguments. My insides will be churning up and my head screaming inside "you're not worth it!" I have to take the clothes out of the trolley to put them back on the rail. We've literally had a tug of war between trolley and rail. We must look ridiculous, but I feel better when I put the clothes back on the rail. Then later I'll be kicking myself because I did actually like it but if I went back to have another look it will be the same thing over again. It's exhausting and very frustrating for both of us.

I hope you find a way. I'm mid 60s now and have been like this my whole life.

So many interesting points made by everyone, but if I were you I'd start small, thinking about buying a Campervan would make most people nervous, start with the small stuff.
Without wanting to sound wishy washy, I'd sit down and create a small Mantra something you can easily remember so every time your in a supermarket or walking past a shop and something catches your eye, instead of you initial thoughts of " I can't afford that, don't want to spend the money, its too expensive".etc etc
I'd replace them with "This is my money, I've earned this money, I deserve to spend my money, I am worthy of spending money, money comes easily to me"

These core beliefs you hold can be changed but you need to re write this narrative you've currently got, that narrative is what kept you safe when you had no money, but now it doesn't apply, I'd thank it and let it go.

I agree with start small. Maybe a frivolous item a day. Today a coffee, tomorrow a mars bar. Maybe by next month, an impulsive pair of shoes!

Does it help you to externalise the control?
Could you tell your DP the plan, and ask him to let you know if you are overdoing it? Buying 53 pairs of shoes a week, for example! That may help you relax enough to let go.

you just need to get a grip of it and think you need to spend it while you can. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone? IF you dont spend any of it then you will leave it to someone else who will do what you should be doing.

Buy the camper van & use it !

I've had friends & family who have passed away far too young & who never got the opportunities to follow their dreams

I have never attended a funeral where people talk about the things that they never did, or their regrets

Life is for living !

OP I'm sorry you're going through this. Your post resonates with me down to the severe eating disorder.

I come from a middle class background, no siblings, two parents who worked professional jobs however homelife was volatile and spending was restrictive to the point I thought there was something wrong with me. PPD, poor attachment, narcissism, severe mood swings and controlling tendencies from one parent (mum) combined with kindly eccentricity, anxiety, inflexibility (likely undiagnosed autism, OCD) and passivity (from dad) made for a toxic combination. No family for hundreds of miles.

I thought I was the only one to have these issues. I was particularly bad in my 20s and 30s. I tried to mask it and 'be normal' but I was in a constant state of neurosis. I worked low paid jobs (dropped out of degree in final year due to ED), no benefits (too ashamed, far too shy and didn't feel entitled to even ask for help and risk rejection) and had healthy savings (due to aforementioned neurosis).

*just to add the savings (I earned every penny) were of little comfort as I felt so insecure in so many areas of life.

I felt they could be removed at any moment and I'd be destitute (I was already living life as such regardless).

It sounds to me as though some of your issues stem from low self esteem, you don’t think you are worth spending money on, you don’t deserve treats, you are not worthy of the good things in life. I think this is something you need to work on. Try to think of positive things about yourself, however small they seem, and write them down. re read them, and add to them often, especially if you find yourself thinking negatively.

To me, money is security. And i just don't feel that secure despite having a great dh and great dcs. Ive felt insecure since i was young. I dont know why. So having money in the bank is my security. The thought of spending it all and it being gone makes me feel sick.
I hope you get some answers op

Just want to say thanks so much again for the overwhelming support and kindness I've had on this thread. I thought this was AIBU?! 😂

I'm going to digest it all and do lots of thinking. And start small. Hopefully I can see it as an exciting way of growing and getting better - there are worse ways to heal than forcing yourself to buy & do nice little things!

Thanks again everyone, much love for you vipers!!

@Mmmpomello

Dh is a bit like this but conversely comes from a wealthy family!

What has really helped is to seperate money out into different things. So put loads away for saving and x y z but also make sure some money is ring fenced to spend.

So you know you can afford to spend it but you know its not robbing savings etc.

I had the same thing OP. I have a career that (while fulfilling) almost certainly wouldn't be the one I chose if being financially secure hadn't been at the forefront of my mind. When I was at university I budgeted so tightly I was spending 1/4 of my allowance.

I now sit in the top 10% of earners but still choose to live in a Band A council tax band house rather than extend my mortgage. I am planning how to pay it off within the next year or two, 15 years ahead of schedule. That's then making me feel paranoid and as though I can't spend money on holidays etc when in reality there's no need at all for me to pay it off at that schedule, it's one I have set up in my head.

I used to by 80+ % of my clothes second hand though that has pretty much stopped since COVID. Instead I have just massively reduced the amount of clothes I buy.

I still recall and feel ill when I think about times I have wasted money, even a decade in the past.

Almost all the furniture in my house was second hand or free. I have quite wanted new sofas for 7 years now but can't bring myself to buy them.

That sounds like things are pretty bad, but actually I am much better than I was before. I'll go out to lunch or dinner with friends, have a great time and spending the money won't spoil it. I have got to the point now where I can give generously and enjoy that as well, rather than feeling like I shouldn't have spent that money.

Interestingly as well, I rarely regret money I choose to spend. I have a cleaner, a gardener and a nice gym membership and I am so glad I spend on all of them. I ummed and ahhed for literally years about each of them, and now just wish I had decided to spend that money earlier.

For me one of the key things was

a) saving monthly for irregular expenses (car insurance, Christmas, holidays, MOT etc). I worked out what they cost over a year and save it, straight away as soon as my money comes in each month. That's then taken care of.

b) all my DDs and SOs come out a couple of days after I get paid. That means I know everything left is available to spend that month.

c) I decided what a decent amount to put into medium term savings was and pay that out with my DDs and SOs. Then my savings commitments for the month are met, and I can spend the rest (in theory) guilt free.

d) Because that still doesn't always work, I have a special pot for frivolous spends that I can't really justify. I find this with premium bond winnings but you could be £25 a month or whatever in if you preferred.

e) I label savings pots as being for different things so I feel I can spend them sometimes (i.e. on holidays).

Apologies, this is an incredibly long post and as you can see my coping strategies are multifaceted but they have got me to the point where money guilt no longer dominates my life.

I'd second having a look at YNAB - I don't use it but I do wonder if it might work well with your mindset.

YANBU op; you rightly identify that your disordered eating has moved to a disordered relationship with money. Best off seeking good therapy - and yes, paying for it. Anything the NHS can give will take years and may not be good.

Don’t rule out medication either- go to your GP.

Did you make progress OP? I am in a very similar situation, have had counselling for general anxiety and family stuff, CBT, mindfulness courses a weekend long course etc but have never really addressed the money thing - it is a core belief that no longer serves me and I need to work out how to get rid of it! But obviously, before I spend the money I need to research what will be the best value!