Irrational fear of spending money

[Mmmpomello]

Hi all, please be gentle. Sorry if this is long.

I am currently massively struggling, and have done so for years, with spending money. Before I start I want to stress that I know many people really struggle for money and I am really sorry if I offend anyone.

As a caveat, and most likely the root causes - I have ADHD, anxiety and depression and had anorexia for most of my late teens/20s. I'm now recovered and late 30s. My family was pretty poor growing up; I remember nearly losing the family house, lots of stress about money, very cheap meals and being bullied for being a 'tramp' as my parents couldn't deck me in Adidas. Thede are overriding memories of my childhood.

As a result I find it incredibly hard to spend and not hoard money. This has contributed to me owning a substantial part of my own home despite low paying jobs, having interesting life experiences, and having several 10ks in savings. But on the flip side, day to day spending is torture, particularly buying quality food and clothes and general living. I'll buy the cheapest things or go without and agonise for hours. Recent food hikes have been incredibly stressful and have limited my diet. Whenever I do nice things like go for a meal or buy a coffee I feel incredibly guilty (which cancels out the fun). Everything I own has to be second hand and I can make life super hard (e.g. get 4 trains instead of 1 because it's slightly cheaper). I can be very generous to others (e.g. bought my parents electric bikes), but can also be considered tight and stingy with smaller spends. It's odd, but large spends can be OK whilst £2 can be impossible. I have compulsions to steal/be grabby and can get obsessed with a good deal, e.g. browse eBay for days instead of spend an extra fiver. In some cases though I can be stupid and wasteful with money - I'm a self employed maker and can waste a lot on unused materials and compulsive buys, and my car is rusting because I haven't spent a fiver washing it in 3 years. It's completely stupid and irrational.

I feel like I'm wasting my life. I already have regrets and fear what I will continue to miss out on. I am so, so fortunate to not be short of money and have worked so hard for it. But I cannot enjoy it and my mental health is really poor. The guilt is unbearable. I feel like the numbers on my online banking rule my life which is utterly pointless as they are literally pixels on a screen. I can't go on a nice holiday, or have a massage, or go horse riding, even though I COULD and yearn for these things. I can't spend money on a dog sitter so I can enjoy life.

It's hard to explain, but the guilt I feel just makes it unenjoyable/pointless.

Can anyone recognise this and offer any help? It's almost like a money version of my past eating disorder - like I'm skinny and can afford to eat food, yet can't.

Thanks for listening and sorry it was long and probably on the wrong board, and again I appreciate if those struggling for money think I'm a massive twat.

In the same with Ibroporofen, the small things. Coffees, it’s all a killer especially the cost of living crisis has exacerbated this. I’ll look for bargains all the time for myself. But I’ll try my best to get the kids what they want. Even if it’s an expensive smoothie! I’ve even gone to the co-oP to get myself a pain au chocolat rather than pay the costa price and let my kids have a costa cake!

I have very similar, though not as strong, issues with money OP. I also recognise a lot of what you've said about your childhood, it sounds a lot like mine in several ways.

Money makes me hugely anxious, and weirdly this anxiety goes the other way too - the one time we had a huge amount of money in our bank account (because of selling our house), I couldn't relax until it wasn't there anymore (deposit on new house). Somehow seeing it sitting in the account made me feel it wasn't safe, compared with bricks and mortar.

Anyway, I have had some therapy and we did dig into this a bit. We have some savings at the moment and I'm starting therapy again. I definitely think the first thing you should spend your money on is therapy.

I think this is more common than you know. We've lived through maxed out credit cards and redundancy and no savings, as a result I feel like gollum hoarding our precious savings and seeing them rise rather than spend. Its the ultimate safety cushion. My best friend is the opposite, she spends money like water and has no fear of being without as "the universe will provide". I'm the utter cynic and whilst our DPs would help in a crisis, I could never accept it and would rather take bankruptcy that need bailing out.

I've had to allow myself to enjoy my money and have a fun budget. This has come from incredibly complex cashflow forecasts that I work on every day (did I say obsession?) As long as the savings are rising, I'm allowed to spend £x amount. This is strange too as whilst I happily spend some of my budget, I'm naturally not wanting to spend it all and want to see that balance rise too. My DH is a saver too but he helps me to spend on the big things like Disney world trips and moving house when we've stayed on our smaller house 5 years too long.

I don't have much advice but just wanted to give my sympathy and understanding. I don't have the same circumstances as you, but I grew up with parents who were extremely sensible with money but in a way that made me fearful of spending anything. They are in a great position now in their 60s but drilled into me their values and opinions on money. I think in my mum this was a result of my Grandad being extreme on the savings/having money front and never ever wanting to spend, as a result of his own mother being poor growing up and wanting to give her money.

I then got married which ended, and partly that was due to financial abuse from my ex and him racking up 30k of gambling debt, and abusing our family money and wasting our savings. He took out a stupidly expensive car on finance whilst he was piling up gambling debts. He was always impulsive and unpredictable with money. He lied so easily about it. It became traumatic living with someone so unreliable and untrustworthy with finances. It made me feel unsafe. I'm just lucky he never borrowed against the house or in my name.

Over the last few years I've realised I am also now fearful of spending. I don't have answers, but just a hug and sympathy. I get amounts of money way out of proportion, like spending £20 will leave me in trouble when I have more than enough in my account. Sometimes I try to actually challenge myself to spend something, just so I prove to myself I won't be left penniless and unable to pay my bills if I spend an extra fiver on something.

It becomes incredibly irrational and I'm not sure what the answers really are. I just keep telling myself I will get more secure over time as I genuinely have no need to be so fearful.

So what's happened here is there's a part of your subconscious mind that developed the belief in childhood that spending/not having money is something to be avoided at all costs; because that was your lived experience. It was appropriate at the time (when you were growing up) but it's now outdated and actively holding you back. Remedial hypnosis would allow you to connect with that part of your mind and 'switch off' that belief.

Try listening to some podcasts. I like "I will teach you to be rich". Not all about people who cannot spend, sometimes the opposite, but it's great to hear about different mindsets and how to frame things.

I have a feeling your ADHD is at the root of this. You'd probably see an improvement if you were medicated for it.

Out of interest (I am having ADHD assessment at the moment), how would ADHD be at the root of this?

This is text book anorexic behaviour. You have transferred the denial from food to money. Maybe you should speak to a counsellor or look at the strategies you used to overcome anorexia. Well done for that! It's horrific, you should be so proud of yourself . Take care

I am similar

We have money, good secure jobs, pensions, own 2 houses etc.

I can spend money on my children, no problem. They need new trainers? Grand, let's go to JD Sports immediately.

I cannot buy myself a new outfit. I am literally sitting here in Primark leggings and an oversized jumper I got from New Look for £8 in 2019

I transfer every single extra penny we have into our savings accounts, and then feel sick for the rest of the month

I feel that I am depriving them of their inheritance. Even though they will (at the moment) inherit £700k but I think - if I keep saving, I could make that £x amount more

Both are on course for grammar school. They should not need my money, but here - money makes the difference

I come from a normal, middle class background. No poverty issues

I understand you OP. I hope you can find a way through

People who are ND often struggle massively with anxiety and an inability to make decisions.
Medication helped me very much. It makes me feel calmer and less out of control.

Thank you, that's interesting, and does resonate with me. Something to bring up with the psychologist!

Have you heard of the time 'financial anorexia'? There are some good resources online, for example by Tabitha Farrar. It's essentially a alternative expression of anorexia when the physical eating disorder has been recovered from

I hate spending money too. Id spend on dc but not on myself.

I understand this too, and the way I got round it was to make sure all the essential spending and saving is covered, and then allow money for food and drink when out, for new clothes, fo theatre and cinema and so on.
Use the Which guide for retirement for how much an average person spends on clothes and holidays a year. Then I allocate it and spend it.
It has been hard, but I can now enjoy my coffee and cake as I know it is in my budget.

It sounds very much like OCD. Have you looked into CBT?

Hi OP don’t worry you don’t come across as a selfish twat (or whatever the phrase was!)

I suffered with anorexia in my teens but weighed in healthy since university (and ever since) and I can tell you that spending money on nice food is one of the joys of being recovered. Have that M&S cheesecake or the GU puddings or the meal out with friends because your body deserves it. Doesn’t have to be extravagant but it’s one of the beautiful parts of life. I guess i pick up on your being skinny but not spending money on food as it sounds like there is (if you’re really really really honest with yourself) something unresolved there. You don’t have to visit your GP to go for private therapy and you could get some help and unravel all of this and be free from it.

A really good technique is visualising the kind of life you want to live. Imagine your new self being able to enjoy coffees, holidays and days out; whatever you like; doesn’t need to be the most expensive; just within your means. And then not be consumed with guilt. When you get that headache whilst out shopping, being able to pop into the nearest Boots and grabbing a water and some ibuprofen. And not having any guilt.

You are suffering so much and you deserve to be well. I would take the plunge and get some private therapy. Let us know how you get on. All the best xx

Wow, so many responses saying similar - it actually really helps to know that I'm not alone. I am deeply ashamed of it. I also think some of the causes still occur from my mum - she has hoarding tendancies around craft supplies and will be very stingy and penny pinch around letting me have things, and will chase me for £1 she covered for me at the charity shop, yet will go and buy nice food from the expensive supermarket. She also has thousands in savings but cannot spend any on herself and makes out that she needs to keep earning and saving. We have an unhealthy work relationship too.

Without being outing I also have an identical twin who is extremely grabby and hoardy with money and will make out to be very hard off and very unsharing despite living in a 5 bed house with a 6 figure salary. She still suffers from anorexia and I think is very bitter or unbelieving of my recovery. We are sadly NC now from my side.

Sorry this sounds like a massive drip feed, but reading these replies is making me realise just how muchy childhood has affected my spending habits and guilt, and also how some of the causes may still be there. My parents would be mortified to think that they have contributed/caused this and will see it as a huge criticism. But also my ADHD causes a lot of overthinking and anxiety and guilt.

Also, I feel very much still a child, despite having my own business and my own house. I think this also contributes.

I'm working for many reasons to become less enmeshed with my parents for many reasons and some therapy has given me better boundaries but sadly no comping strategies to deal with the fallout.

I have been trying to work up to paying for private counselling for years but it is so scary committing to that money. I don't know why.

I think you need counselling to get through this. To work out what is a reasonable spend and what isn't, because it isn't always easy to decide.

Df was like you. Things like getting a coffee you mention. On the very very unusual time our family stopped at a cafe, him and dm shared one drink, us three dc shared another and a real treat was a Danish pastry shared into 5.
Was that reasonable saving?
For me the pleasure in sitting down choosing a cake and drink isn't worth the saving. I think now he's realised it and loves to treat us when we're out. But at the time the fear that the extra couple of pounds as it would have been, spent once a year at most, worried him due to the total poverty he grew up in.

So choose what you want to save money by, and what you are happy to spend more perhaps? Give yourself some control in it, but don't completely let go. Would that make it easier?

@meganlouise1610 that's really interesting, I will look it up. I feel it is very similar to how I behaved when I was restricting food. This all developed around the same time too so I think it's a double/triple whammy with the ED and childhood trauma and twin.

@Dogsarebetterthanhumans (great name btw) I consider myself recovered from anorexia, but some thoughts are still there. Unfortunately moving to another country where I had no control over food then caused bulimia (yay....) whilst I am 95% recovered from this, huge stress or being 'force fed' extravagant food can make me relapse or at least cause a huge intern battle. But I try to be kind to myself. Now I have a very junky diet, but due to my poorly treated ADHD and disorganisation,l and not restriction or calorie control. I still amaze myself when I genuinely don't care what I'm eating. - if someone had told me 15 years ago that I'd eat a cheese sandwich without looking at the packet I would have thought you were mad.

However, I think you are right that some of the underlying causes/drivers of the EDs are still there - I still have a horrendous body image which is very hard for a recovered anorexic at a normal weight.

Anyway I'm probably oversharing now, but there's clearly a lot going on and maybe I need to sit down and try and identify some root causes and identify the feelings - is it guilt, panic, whatever, and understand where that is coming from.

Thanks also for the kind words regarding recovering from an ED, and a massive well done back to those who have recovered - it is truly truly hell to live with and the biggest battle to get over. It's like being made to pour boiling water over yourself 5 times a day just because someone tells you it'll probably no longer hurt in a year.

We had our house possessed as a kid so I have had your exact same ‘problem’. My mother was an alcoholic. I was the scruffy, free school meals kid (which in those days, kids took as a reason to be mean).

I won’t buy anything unless I’ve saved up, never had a car on finance and did without for years to be mortgage free despite having low paid jobs. Over paid my mortgage all through my 20’s to get rid of this debt asap.

I am a lot better now I have no mortgage (it’s a tiny house but I know I can’t be made homeless). Having a child has also helped me.

i have a set figure in my mind that I need to have in savings & I would be distressed if it went below this. I still live fairly frugally but I do treat myself & have days out etc with my DD but it’s been a struggle that for me, only having a child has broken the cycle.

it will always be with me though.

Lots of good advice on here.

Also I think my parents being self employed artists (which is now the happy path I have taken instead of my previous 'educated' path) really hasn't helped. Not knowing when the next money is coming from is so stressful. Even if I earn enough in one month to cover the next 3, I panic if I don't get the next month's expenses too.

there's clearly a lot going on and maybe I need to sit down and try and identify some root causes and identify the feelings - is it guilt, panic, whatever, and understand where that is coming from

Feelings, like emotions, imagination, creativity and core beliefs, are controlled by your subconscious mind, not your conscious mind. Everything that you believe about who you really are, what other people are like and what you think about the world at large are formed in the period between the age of around 2 to 8-10, i.e. before you were capable of considering thoughts rationally and logically and deciding if they were objectively true or not. This is why your attitude to money is so enmeshed with your childhood experiences.

Have a look at this video;

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'But I try to be kind to myself.'
Is there any of the learnings from your previous recovery - another one saying a huge well done with this - that you could use here to help with recovery on the financial control? Could you try reframing any of it? So being kind to yourself, you sound like you know spending the money on therapy would be incredibly helpful in the long run. Could you try pushing past the uncomfortable feelings around spending on just this for now, knowing it's to get you to a healthier place, in the same way I imagine eating more initially felt hugely uncomfortable but will have been so worth it.
It's obviously very different saying this as someone who doesn't have control issues with spending, but I try to frame it as 'what is that worth to me?' if I'm debating spending on something a bit frivolous. Its worth to me will be very different to its worth to someone else. Say it's an expensive lipstick at £30ish - is it going to make me £30 happy? Sometimes yes, sometimes no, sometimes I realise a £5 one would make me just as happy as a £30 one, but if it's a yes then I think it's worth it.

I think this is a lot more common than people realise, my sibling has a similar issue to you, although not as severe, whereas I am the complete opposite and often need to remind myself to rein it in - it's funny how our upbringing has affected us so differently!

I agree with the majority of other posters that getting professional help is the most logical way to address restrictive spending. CBT in particular would help challenge the anxious thoughts that come with spending money. Can you think of it as an investment in your health? Or your future? It's good that you've recognised it's affecting you, you deserve to be happy. Best of luck to you, OP.