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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in-laws at our house when the baby is born?

53 replies

evuscha · 11/04/2023 02:33

Let me start by saying my in-laws are nice people, we generally get on well. However, they’re not very helpful (at all) while my husband seems to think they will be this amazing help when the baby #2 is born!

They don’t cook, so instead of having a meal made for me (which would be of massive help actually) it just makes for more complicated takeout ordering.
They’re not particularly good at looking after DD4 - they will play with her for an hour, or even better watch her play while taking pictures of her 🙄 but not really take her to a park or get her fully ready for school etc. They would occasionally babysit if we feed her and get everything else ready for her.
They’re here now and were supposed to look after DD while I work (from home) - what happened was her watching tablet with me in the office while I worked and they sat outside or watched TV because “she didn’t want to play with them”.

They live about 5 hours away and are all set on coming for when the baby is born. Coming “to help”. Well all I remember from last time (when DD was born) was them just wanting to hold her before I was ready, inviting million different relatives to see her and hold her before I was ready (I was dumb and felt obliged to let them) but no specific help really. My husband thinks IABU and they’re a huge help when for me it’s just more stress, more drama, no help.
(unfortunately my mum who would be actually helpful most likely can’t come, that would be my first choice, my second choice is doing it alone)

AIBU ungrateful bitch of a DIL?

OP posts:
Whichnumbers · 11/04/2023 02:39

Get the to stay nearby when they visit

tell dh they make more work for you, cooking cleaning etc

Original poster
evuscha · 11/04/2023 02:45

We do actually have a guest room so getting them to stay elsewhere would be considered rude.

We have a cleaning lady. And they just can’t cook, at all, they usually eat out themselves, MIL says she hates cooking. I quite frankly don’t enjoy her cooking. My DD even said to her in all her honesty “I’ve never seen you cook before, would you like to make dinner tonight?” (MIL just laughed) This morning MIL made her a toast and was like “see I’m cooking you a breakfast” (it was really just a toast!) then mentioned it probably 4 more times.

They’re very loving, very proud of DH and DD, emotionally supportive probably actually nicer than my own family. They’re just not very practical or helpful! And that in a combination with my hormones and sleepless nights just doesn’t sound too good.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2023 02:49

Can your husband really not appreciate that you don't want them staying in your home right after you've given birth? This is really so hard for his to grasp? What a prick.

Ilovetea42 · 11/04/2023 02:50

Nope. Either they come , stay elsewhere and you make a list of specific jobs for them to do or they don't come. My mum stayed with me for a while after our ds was born and I realised she felt really uncomfortable just getting on with things around the house, she needed to be asked to do x y or z and then she was more than happy to work away at the ironing or whatever it was. So they might find it easier with specific tasks to do. If they stay elsewhere you can also limit the amount of time they spend at your house. And they should not be inviting anyone else to visit your house, it's not their place. You could put it to your dh that your dd is going to have a big change in her family so it might be nice this time to have less visitors initially so you can focus on her as well as bonding with new baby and so she doesn't feel put out by lots of people cooing over new baby before she's had a chance to process baby's arrival and the new demand on mummy and daddy's time.. having to host will only make that harder? Is your dh generally good at taking responsibility for what needs done or is he hoping to pass that off to his folks?

Original poster
evuscha · 11/04/2023 02:53

He doesn’t see why because we get on well and we will “need the help”.
And he doesn’t get the hormonal response to other people constantly grabbing my baby either.
He will honor my wishes and tell them not to come but he definitely thinks IABU and that we will regret it when the baby comes and we’re here alone.

OP posts:
FrumptyMumpty · 11/04/2023 02:56

No. Never. Ever.

You need to be honest. Sooner than later.

Don’t even talk to your husband about it. He knows nothing. Get in the phone to them ASAP and just say it. Have an alternative date to offer them.

Original poster
evuscha · 11/04/2023 02:56

@Ilovetea42 excellent point about my DD too, she would definitely feel overwhelmed.

I get it might be tough on our own but I certainly feel it’s better if they just come after 1-2 months instead. They will probably feel immensely hurt when he tells them though 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
evuscha · 11/04/2023 03:01

I also made a mistake of initially allowing it when DD was born and not putting my foot down simply because I didn’t know any better it was my first time and I only realized how overwhelming and unhelpful it was once I was in the middle of it. DH has a very different memory of “how it was such a great help” and the time spent with family.
I definitely need to speak up and nip any planning in the bud this time.

OP posts:
PizzaPastaWine · 11/04/2023 03:02

Surely it's more rude to tell them to come 1-2 months after the birth?

Just tell them you will need space at home and to stay elsewhere.

frazzledasarock · 11/04/2023 03:05

Is your husband able to give you examples of the help they provided the last time?

is he able to tell you exactly what help they will provide this time?

can he say what practical help they are currently able to provide? Ie their inability to keep your dd occupied whilst you work, if they can’t do that how are they going to help you when you have a second baby?

aloris · 11/04/2023 03:34

evuscha · 11/04/2023 02:53

He doesn’t see why because we get on well and we will “need the help”.
And he doesn’t get the hormonal response to other people constantly grabbing my baby either.
He will honor my wishes and tell them not to come but he definitely thinks IABU and that we will regret it when the baby comes and we’re here alone.

Do you think it's possible that when he says "we" will need the help, what he really means is that he wants there to be someone else there upon whom he can devolve his own responsibilities for helping you with both children, the housework, etc? In other words, that if you decline for your in-laws to come, and then need something from him after the baby comes, will he be saying, "No, I can't, and I suggested my parents come to help but you declined, and now you're annoyed because I can't do all the things you want me to do."

I'm not saying he would be reasonable to say that, I'm just wondering if that's where he's going with this.

aNewYorkerInLondon · 11/04/2023 03:48

Nope. Not unreasonable at all.

I was 100% certain that I wanted no visitors for the first couple of months. My husband agreed. This was one of the best decisions we ever made.

Stick to your instincts here.

Original poster
evuscha · 11/04/2023 04:02

Do you think it's possible that when he says "we" will need the help, what he really means is that he wants there to be someone else there upon whom he can devolve his own responsibilities for helping you with both children, the housework, etc?

Entirely possible! He’s thinking of heading back to work early and then maybe use his leftover paternity leave later in the year since I would have “the help”.

I was 100% certain that I wanted no visitors for the first couple of months. My husband agreed. This was one of the best decisions we ever made.
Yes I’m inclined to think this would be best for me. I don’t know if I might regret it once the baby is here we’re overwhelmed overtired and maybe some extra pair of hands to hold the baby could be nice?
But I also remember feeling a bit uncomfortable in the early days when MIL constantly wanted to hold the baby take pictures of the baby and have relatives over to meet the baby.
DH is an only child so these grandkids have been so loved and such a source of joy for them so I’m trying to be understanding but I also kinda want to put myself first this time.

OP posts:
Merrow · 11/04/2023 04:13

Do you think he did find them helpful when DD was born, not in any practical sense but in just a vaguely reassuring way? When DS1 was born my parents stayed in a Airbnb in the same block of flats as us and were a very practical help in that they cooked for us every day for a week, but to be honest I found it quite nice just sitting with them while I experienced this entirely new thing. Now DS2 is here and I'm a bit more overcome with the practicalities of two rather than gazing at him in amazement all day, the poor second born!

Could you make the guest room unavailable so they'd have to stay near by? DP is currently sleeping in ours so that we can do the night in shifts.

Original poster
evuscha · 11/04/2023 04:20

I’m sure for him it’s nice to have his family around! And he enjoys their presence and they generally are very nice. But for me 1. it’s not my family (as in known them since forever; it is my extended family of course but we don’t see them so often so it just feels different than having my own mum here) and 2. he doesn’t have the hormonal response to feel weird when others keep taking your baby from you, he would have them hold her all day and wouldn’t mind.

Unfortunately we do have enough space (we also have an office with a spare bed) so I can’t possibly justify telling them we don’t. They would probably be more offended if we make them stay somewhere else, and DH would feel weird about it too.

OP posts:
Murdoch1949 · 11/04/2023 04:30

You've got a clear idea of what is best for you and your DD and new baby. Reaffirm this to your husband, and he can liaise with his parents. You are right to want peace & quiet in the weeks after your new baby arrives, so you can bond, your daughter can become a big sister, and you can recover your strength.

snitzelvoncrumb · 11/04/2023 04:45

I would ask DH if they would be more upset at being asked to leave or told not to come? I had my mum stay after my first was born, I made endless cups of coffee and cooked and cleaned while she held the baby.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 11/04/2023 04:56

Tell that his family are genuinely lovely, and you love them to bits. But when it comes to being practical they are as useful as a chocolate teapot. That doesn't in any way detract from their loveliness, but it does mean that when you need PRACTICAL help (and reducing his feelings of guilt by not leaving you "alone" doesn't count as practical help for you) then they are not the appropriate choice.

Bemyclementine · 11/04/2023 04:56

I honestly can't think of anything worse. MIL visited a lot when ds1 was born, she's lovely and helpful and brought meals, made tea etc. She lives 10 miles away and was happy to help. Exh went back to work the Monday after ds was born by c sec on the Friday.

One day though she arrived at 9am and didn't leave til 6pm . It was exhausting. I kept thinking "she'll go soon" but she didn't.

I couldn't cope with anyone staying for days. Abd as I said super helpful MIL.

Whydotheyallhaverubbishwheels · 11/04/2023 04:57

Having just had a baby and not letting MIL come to stay immediately after birth, despite her comments and digs about me not wanting her here im very glad I stuck to my guns. You need time to establish yourself as a family of 4, heal, and work out what works for you (feeding, sleep wise, etc). If they're not going to fill your cup and drain it then totally just say you can come when baby is 3 weeks old but until then I won't be ready. Life's too short to please others.

Original poster
evuscha · 11/04/2023 05:01

Thank you everyone for your helpful comments! I will speak to DH and try to suggest that they come a month later or so.
I think asking them to leave or arguing/me losing my cool at their unhelpfulness when they’re here would probably cause more drama.

OP posts:
whatchagonnado · 11/04/2023 06:50

You've got to be firm. You'll have a lot to cope with and definitely don't want to be dealing with unhelpful, grabby grandparents.
They will want to see the new grandchild of course but you need to put in the boundaries now

Maray1967 · 11/04/2023 07:16

Ask him to explain exactly how they ‘help’ and make it clear to him that they don’t.

Make him realise that he will have an angry wife if he insists on this.

Equalitea · 11/04/2023 07:36

I certainly learnt with my own children! With my first my in laws actually moved in for a month, they were in a flight the day of the birth! Not only did we not speak the same languages very well but it meant that I had additional people to cook and clean for as well as occupy, all whilst being a first time mum. ExDH went back to work the same day of the birth. My MH was abysmal.
By the time it was the last child I had put my put down. 2days after the birth ExDH went abroad with work for 6 weeks and I would not budge, I did not want the ‘help’.
I got to enjoy those 6/7 weeks with my children/new baby uninterrupted and surprisingly although it was much harder work with all of the children and alone it was also far more enjoyable and better for my MH!

Stand your ground OP, let your DC bond with the new baby and your little unit start to figure things out 🥰

WeWereInParis · 11/04/2023 07:41

evuscha · 11/04/2023 05:01

Thank you everyone for your helpful comments! I will speak to DH and try to suggest that they come a month later or so.
I think asking them to leave or arguing/me losing my cool at their unhelpfulness when they’re here would probably cause more drama.

I think that's a good idea. I would also make clear that whenever they come, they do not invite other people to your house, like they did last time. You are adults who are perfectly capable of inviting other relatives to meet the baby. Whenever I see threads on here where new grandparents have brought along half the extended family to descend unannounced and uninvited I'm always stunned that anyone would be so rude!