To not want my in-laws at our house when the baby is born?

[evuscha]

Let me start by saying my in-laws are nice people, we generally get on well. However, they’re not very helpful (at all) while my husband seems to think they will be this amazing help when the baby #2 is born!

They don’t cook, so instead of having a meal made for me (which would be of massive help actually) it just makes for more complicated takeout ordering.
They’re not particularly good at looking after DD4 - they will play with her for an hour, or even better watch her play while taking pictures of her 🙄 but not really take her to a park or get her fully ready for school etc. They would occasionally babysit if we feed her and get everything else ready for her.
They’re here now and were supposed to look after DD while I work (from home) - what happened was her watching tablet with me in the office while I worked and they sat outside or watched TV because “she didn’t want to play with them”.

They live about 5 hours away and are all set on coming for when the baby is born. Coming “to help”. Well all I remember from last time (when DD was born) was them just wanting to hold her before I was ready, inviting million different relatives to see her and hold her before I was ready (I was dumb and felt obliged to let them) but no specific help really. My husband thinks IABU and they’re a huge help when for me it’s just more stress, more drama, no help.
(unfortunately my mum who would be actually helpful most likely can’t come, that would be my first choice, my second choice is doing it alone)

AIBU ungrateful bitch of a DIL?

I think it’s a bit unfair to your husband to insist they can’t come for a month, how would you feel if it was the other way round? He obviously appreciates the emotional support they bring, but doesn’t appreciate just how unhelpful they are to you in a practical level.

id just tell them (yourself, not through DH) that you can’t cope with having guests staying with you for a month or so but they’d be welcome to come and stay nearby if they wanted to get some baby time in, but they aren’t to invite anyone else, tell them it made you uncomfortable last time but you didn’t want to say anything out of politeness, be firm on that.

It baffles me that nobody seems to communicate properly anymore?! It’s seems unfair to me to block them completely rather then just communicate with them (assuming they are decent human beings of course).

ps I also think DH getting them round so he can go back to work early is a cop out on his part .. I would be against that completely unless you really needed that to happen?

I think a month is too long, I’d have been upset, I’m a granny, I got to see my grandson after 2 weeks, a long enough wait, after overnight visit.
I’m mother in law

I think some men Just convince themselves things about their mothers.
MIL used to come, sit on the sofa, moan day and night about everything, complain about all the things I should/shouldn’t do. When she would go home DH would suggest I sent her a thank you card for all the help and for ‘deep cleaning the house’.
It’s mental but be believes it though.

I think it's the long drive for them, which means any stay is multi-day/ overnight that is the issue.

I was good with short visits/ people popping over in the day with my first, but not staying over quite soon after getting home. TBH, even when DS was 8-12 weeks anyone staying more than 1 or 2 nights was too much for me (and my husband). It's the extra issue of having to host to some degree. Even with the most helpful guests that can get a bit much.

Is it possible you could talk to your DH about visits being fine, but that you cannot host overnight for a month or so. That way they can come up if they want to, and know they are welcome, but on the understanding that they are not staying over your house?

I would definitely go down the route of 'establishing a relationship between baby and DD' as an explanation. Too much fussing over the baby could make DD feel pushed out.
Ask for the time to do this and create your family of four before they come to stay and then let DD introduce her new DB/DS to them when you're all ready.
Personally, where family, friends and visitors were concerned we had loads less for our second baby. People were definitely less interested and we were left to our own devices much more. When people did visit they wanted to fuss and play with our eldest, who was almost 2, as she was much more entertaining than the newborn.

If they cant cook or look after your eldest then what help, in a practical sense, does your husband think they will be?

Only thing I'd say is it might be a help to have someone hold the baby so one of you can cook etc and one of you can do things with your eldest to keep some of her routine (agree with you ultimately that someone you have to 'host' will still be harder work even if they do hold the baby)

There’s nothing complicated about ordering a takeaway. At 4, is your DD not getting herself dressed for school? If you actually say “MIL, please do Daisys hair for school now she’s dressed” would she say no?

Surely you just need to say thank you for the offer but we don’t want visitors in the house immediately after DC is born. We will let you know once we’re ready for you to visit.

Not meeting the baby for 1-2 months? Yes they would be hurt and rightly so. That’s just cruel.

What was so good about seeing nobody for 2 months after the birth of your child? Sounds pretty isolating.

Could have written this myself but the difference is I am referring to my own parents. As I am having a c-section I will need help to lift my currently toddler . DH would only get statutory paternity and we can’t afford for hkm
to take it .
ahhhhh

I totally understand what you are saying and how it will cause so much stress . My parents would never go and get shopping or cook. It would be me trying to tell then what to do, ordering take away. They wouldn’t be able yo look after dd for longer than 2 hours and we rarely see them they couldn’t bath her out her to bed as they just don’t know her ! DH however wants them to come but I know we will all be pulling our hair out.

When they arrived two days after dd was born it caused so much stress. I remember my mum
drinking Prosecco like it was going out of fashion and moaning about her issues . Not one meal was offered , no shooing done. We waited on them ! It was crazy !

I think most family just want to help and be loving but they may have different ways and need clear communication and requests from you and DH.

When we had first DC, DH took a week off and we were a little cosy bubble, then asked DM for a week. She took over cooking cleaning bathing and changing baby sometimes and pampering me. Then we asked MiL to stay for a week and she did the same. I wouldn’t even have thought of getting meals and just left it to them. After all they have raised their own families so they actually must know how to sort food, clean, care. Maybe just need some clear requests and boundaries like arrival and departure times?

Definitely decide with DH what you want and then arrange around that and make sure he is fully on board with sharing the care from the beginning if you want an involved dad. Good luck in communicating with them OP.

I think asking them to come a month or 2 later is a bit shit tbh, they are probably excited to see the baby? You also don’t say how long they are staying for- surely a long weekend would be bearable?

Also make sure they understand that it’s just them and that you don’t want other relatives being invited.

Not really, if you already live far away from family. It’s nothing out of the ordinary to not have family around and can be a bit much when you do have family visiting for an extended period time, especially if they decide to stay with you in your home instead of a hotel or Airbnb.

My DH invited his parents down after our first and regretted it (weren’t ver helpful, stayed with us instead of a hotel, single loo, two adults with IBS and a post-op new mum not a great combo) and both DH and I were relieved once they were gone so two week rule was put in place with the second. My mum came when the first was six weeks (she lives in the States) was hands-on, offered and did night feeds from expressed bottles, nappy changes, etc.

Second time around, ended up needing iron transfusions and had stitches below so was in and out with the baby in tow along with both of our check-ups so even if in-laws came down without the two week rule they would have been pretty much on their own. I was on my last of five transfusions when my mum came after the two weeks and we went up to the in-laws some days after she left (she stayed for 10) and that was much better because all of DH’s side got to see the baby, breastfeeding was established, oldest and baby were more settled and in a routine and I wasn’t bleeding as heavily , could enjoy sitting around a bit without worrying I’m going to leak/bleed everywhere and baby was more alert and already doing little smiles to the joy of everyone.

If the in-laws had come later the first time instead of less than a week after the baby or at least stayed in a hotel, it would have been way better for us instead of me having to host them while trying to establish nursing, dealing with the heavy post-bleeding, injections due to emcs, and all around discomforts of giving birth.

YANBU. Your birth, your recovery, your choice.

Just say no.

@Meandfour, because our parents tend to add stress rather than reduce it.

As first time parents, we needed to get our feet under us and this allowed us to do so without having to also cater to our parents' needs.

Also, we live an 8+ hour flight from our families, so when they come it's for a week or more. Even if they stay at a hotel, they expect daily activities and meals together, all planned by us.

My FIL is the lowest maintenance of them all, but my own parents can't stand just hanging out at home and always want to go "do something," and my MIL is a bit of a nightmare. (Neither of her sons want to see her.)

If we lived locally to family and could have said, "please come for an hour on Tuesday," it would have been a different situation.

Either way though, that time is so important to get right as a nuclear family. If the extended family make it harder in any way, their visits can wait.

That said, my parents visited at about 10 weeks and we had a great time visiting historic sites and museums with the baby!

My FIL visited at about 8 weeks and was great!

My MIL is still a nightmare. Lol

Tell your DH the only help you need for the first few weeks is his and that when you are ready for staying guests you will let him know. As a compromise let DH know his parents can book into a B&B for a visit once things are more settled.

I’m confused, y would u need help, is yr husband away?
I certainly wouldn’t have wanted anyone around helping me, I was quite capable, other half no so much so but he could hold the baby whilst I got on with things.
We visited people at their houses so we could leave when we had had enough.

It’s not a zoo. It doesn’t matter how excited they are.

We had 4 spare rooms when DD was born and hell would have frozen over before I let PIL stay in one of them. My family travelled thousands of miles to meet DD and stayed in hotels so as not to be a burden, including my octogenarian grandmother.

You have your DD to think of now. If PIL aren’t actually helpful, don’t have them in your house.

I would let them come but would make my husband do a ton of batch cooking beforehand and take on all cooking responsibilities while they are there.

I'd be honest with your MIL and say that you found it upsetting having so many people grabbing the baby so could she take that on board this time? They do sound nice and I'd try not to alienate them.

If they come at all I would do a big Cook order and write out a meal plan of what is to be heated up for dinner when and let them get on with it! Anyone can heat stuff up!

My in-laws came for a few days to look after DS1 when I was in hospital having DS2. I had an elective c-section so knew I'd have a fairly long recovery period so got DH to take a month off! Best decision we made as it meant we had a really good stretch to get established and meant DS1 got plenty of attention still!

Who is going to look after your DD when you are in labour?

I think the root problem here is that your husband is dismissing your perception of what happened with his parents the previous time, and enforcing his own perception as the sole reality. You are telling him they weren't helpful and that it was a hindrance to have them there, and he keeps insisting that they were a huge help, in other words he's saying your perception is just wrong and irrelevant. So this is a problem because instead of adjusting his behavior, expectations, or planning, to account for what is helpful to you, he is simply doing whatever he wants and adjusting his narrative about reality to match what he wants. This has two bad effects. The first is that his solutions don't work and make you feel like you are banging your head on a brick wall. The second is that it can make you feel invisible when your spouse is unable to hear your wants and needs instead of just hearing their own. When you are a sleep-deprived new mum, self-sacrificing for your child's benefit, it can be really disheartening if your spouse is unable to hear you when you tell him he is adding to your burden.

So I think you have to observe whether this is limited to this situation or whether it's a more general conflict-style that he has. Either way, you may need to be more assertive about your own boundaries so your voice does not get drowned out by his.

Thank you everyone for your perspective, I understand having/not having people over early on is a personal preference that everyone feels differently about. I wouldn’t say making them wait a month is “cruel”, my own family met DD when she was 5 months because that’s just how it worked out and they live far away too. I’m hoping the novelty wore off this second time around, with the first grandchild of course they were so excited I don’t think it was even discussed if they should come or not, it just automatically happened. To be fair I didn’t know them that well at that point and how little help they were and I also didn’t know how I would feel about it but I know now.

I could probably cope with a day or two but whenever they come it’s a week minimum, typically 2 weeks (they come about 3-4 times a year and we go to theirs once or twice). With my first DD they stayed for 3 weeks so really felt like my whole new mum experience was hijacked by other people.

My DH is generally good at honoring my wishes and understands this is something we both need to agree on so won’t invite them if I say no. But I want him to know why it’s not such an unreasonable ask so he doesn’t just do it for me but also understands.

I also don’t want to hurt their feelings and if I tell them now it will be clear I’m marking them as useless and unhelpful which unfortunately they are a bit - even ordering a takeout is extra hassle because they’re quite picky so it’s hard to even pick a place to order from that they both like! But ultimately they’re good people and have a loving relationship with DD (though not on a practical level but also to be fair they don’t know each other that well and don’t have that much unsupervised time together) so I don’t want to cause drama or hurt feelings. But I know if I don’t speak up I will be in for a rough time angry and/or sad.

Looking after DD when I’m in the hospital would be the one thing they would be useful for (my DH would still have to come in a bunch of times and get the practical stuff sorted for her) but worst case scenario one of my friends will have her.