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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child's piano lesson

103 replies

Wellthatsthatthenisntit · 11/04/2023 00:41

My DCs both do piano lessons. Age 6 and 9. Recently DC9 has begun complaining about going. It is half an hour a week (lesson) and they do two practices of about 10 mins during the week. Been going 18 months.

My view is that this is non-negotiable. It will help with their development, and future choices in life, and both doing very well with it. I gave up a musical instrument when young, which I regret, and parents never pushed me. I realise I am projecting.

For the record I am not pushy in any other way and they happily do swimming, a team sport (winter and summer) and other activities of their choosing. I don't make them do extra schoolwork or anything like that.

Family member thinks I am being horrible. AIBU?

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 11/04/2023 00:42

Well, it won't help with their future choices in life, will it? Not with 10 minutes practice time a week.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 11/04/2023 00:42

YABVU,

If you regret quitting an instrument, why don't you take lessons instead of forcing it on your kids?

Womanofcustard · 11/04/2023 00:45

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but a half hour lesson and 2 10minute practises - that’s less than an hour a week! You are wasting your money, unfortunately. Need to practise at least half an hour nearly every day.

JackiePlace · 11/04/2023 00:47

YANBU to make learning an instrument a non-negotiable item for them. However YABU to allow them to practice only 20 minutes per week!
Tell them they can choose another instrument if they wish but they must learn one, take their grade exams and practice 1/2 hr every day!

JackiePlace · 11/04/2023 00:48

Also why don't you take lessons on piano yourself and set a good example for them?

dropthevipers · 11/04/2023 01:26

"My view is that this is non negotiable". So what are you doing here then?

peppermintteagirl · 11/04/2023 06:24

A) Has your child said why they are not enjoying their lesson?
B) Perhaps if they did more practice they would progress faster and it would be more enjoyable? 2x10 minutes is basically nothing.

potatowhale · 11/04/2023 06:26

Perhaps they aren't interest in music I think at 9 it's fine. Especially if you have to force them to do 20 minutes of practice- that isn't very much at all so they can't be making much progress

MrsBunnyEars · 11/04/2023 06:27

What improved life choices and development are you hoping for with a tiny amount of music, started very late?

My DM made music a non negotiable (but we’re talking Suzuki from 3 and proper practice). The only result is I can’t stand the thought of playing anything now.

Zanatdy · 11/04/2023 06:27

You’re being unreasonable. Just because you regretted giving up an instrument doesn’t mean you have to force your child to play one they don’t want to

skgnome · 11/04/2023 06:27

Have you asked them why are they not enjoying it?
as others have said 20 mins practice a week in 2 sessions is nothing- so maybe it’s the lack of progress?

potatowhale · 11/04/2023 06:28

They might prefer something different?

Billybagpuss · 11/04/2023 06:30

Make the practice daily for around 10 minutes and they will start to see progress and enjoy it more but make sure they actually practice not just play the bits they know. Also may buy a book with things they want to play for fun. My DDs practiced their regular stuff for half hour daily weekday’s and I never insisted on practicing at weekends but they’d usually play loads just doing songs from musicals and singing instead.

Marchforward · 11/04/2023 06:32

My 6 year old’s piano teacher says 5 mins a day is enough at this age. It’s more about developing the habit. Do they see you learning new things and practicing daily?

Did they ask for piano lessons? Are they enjoying it?

Swimming lessons are non negotiable in our house as I see water safety as essential but not piano.

WaltzingWaters · 11/04/2023 06:33

Have you let them decide what instrument the learn?
Are you taking lessons also to set a good example as it’s so important to you?

PotKettel · 11/04/2023 06:40

Teaching them to persevere at something difficult is a useful life skill.

Teaching them you have absolute control over their lives as children and they need to obey you is, potentially, a useful tool in your parenting toolkit. Depending on the child it could become a real battle of wills though. You pick the battles you want to win.

What kind of parent do you want to be?

I tried to make my dd carry on with her instrument but she gave up. I was devastated tbh as she was very good and could have been great. Mainly I was devastated because music was such a huge part of my childhood. But my dd is sporty and artistic and doesn’t want to do it. I have accepted she is her own person.

Orangetapemeasure · 11/04/2023 06:41

10 minutes twice a week isnt going to get them anywhere.
My eldest wanted to start an instrument age 7. She 11 now, grade 4 and I rarely have to tell her to practice- 30 minutes most days. DC 2 also plays an instrument. He is less keen, but is quite capable and doesn’t complain too much. I’ve told him it’s non negotiable until year 8, but if I was having daily battles I’d let him give up. DC 2 certainly isn’t going make a career out of music, but it is another skill which he might use for pleasure.
your DC can decide when they are older if they want to play an instrument.

PortiasBiscuit · 11/04/2023 06:47

i have two DD, one played piano to grade 4, hates it now, won’t go near it. Youngest plays clarinet and sax at grade 8, she plays in 3 orchestras/ bands and is very excited at the prospect of the music society at University.
Piano is a lonely instrument, for a shy child, an orchestral instrument can be a social life.

FeetOnly · 11/04/2023 07:04

I was forced to learn an instrument as a child for the same reason you are making yours. I am not musical, I was never interested, it was a pointless waste of time. every practice was a fight.

DD was 9 when she asked out of the blue to learn an instrument. We found her a teacher but I made it clear to her I wouldn't be chasing her to practice, she had to listen to her teacher and then organise herself. Her teacher said 15 minutes 5 times a week for the first year, then building up to 30. I let her get on with it. I might have to remind her once but I won't chase her for it.

DD is, after nearly 2 years, at a far more advanced level than I was after 7.

Who wanted them to start the piano? (I'm guessing you)
If you said they could stop with the piano, but they still have to learn an instrument what would they choose?
iI there a music school which does an open day where you can try lots of different instruments?

Trivium4all · 11/04/2023 07:05

Musician here. I agree that to make good progress, almost daily practice (15 mins at this point would probably be reasonable, though it depends on the child, the instrument, and the progress desired). Once the progress is happening, then hopefully the practice will seem less unpalatable. However, it's important to learn how to practise.

I disagree with letting children quit things as soon as they get bored/find it a bit hard, because most things that are worth doing require practice. Getting through the boring bits of the process, and learning how to do that, is an important skill in itself, quite apart from the specific instrument or skill etc. being learned. Apart from the piano playing and music reading itself, which can hugely enhance enjoyment of music later in life, the discipline will useful to transfer to other activities, e.g. studying or learning anything a bit difficult.

Learning how to practise is something the teacher can hopefully address, initially by writing out a little plan for that week's practice sessions. For example, for many people, it's a good idea to begin and end with something that's comfortable and enjoyable, e.g. a short familiar piece or a section of a favourite piece. Then whatever technical exercises have been assigned, and then whichever portions of pieces should be worked on. Here, it's important to establish the discipline straight away of slow accurate work and of zeroing in on the specific passages that are problematic, rather than just endlessly repeating the whole piece. The teacher should be able to show you how to supervise this initially.

CheshireDing · 11/04/2023 07:12

Why is learning an instrument not negotiable and how will it help them in later life ?!

if my parents had forced me to learn an instrument it would have been a waste of time and money for me and them, and I would have hated it

DC was doing piano (at her request) but never practiced without being constantly asked and moaned about going. I gave it a good few months to make sure before she quit and about a year of still having the piano at home before we got rid of it

CatOnTheChair · 11/04/2023 07:15

Who chose piano as the instrument? If you want kids to practice something pretty much every day - which is what is needed - I think it needs to be their choice of instrument.

Equalitea · 11/04/2023 07:17

Yabu that it’s a non negotiable because of your regret.

If you want it to benefit them in future in what ways I’m unsure but say perhaps for ucas points, they’ll need to invest more time to achieve the grades.

Original poster
Wellthatsthatthenisntit · 11/04/2023 07:26

Trivium4all · 11/04/2023 07:05

Musician here. I agree that to make good progress, almost daily practice (15 mins at this point would probably be reasonable, though it depends on the child, the instrument, and the progress desired). Once the progress is happening, then hopefully the practice will seem less unpalatable. However, it's important to learn how to practise.

I disagree with letting children quit things as soon as they get bored/find it a bit hard, because most things that are worth doing require practice. Getting through the boring bits of the process, and learning how to do that, is an important skill in itself, quite apart from the specific instrument or skill etc. being learned. Apart from the piano playing and music reading itself, which can hugely enhance enjoyment of music later in life, the discipline will useful to transfer to other activities, e.g. studying or learning anything a bit difficult.

Learning how to practise is something the teacher can hopefully address, initially by writing out a little plan for that week's practice sessions. For example, for many people, it's a good idea to begin and end with something that's comfortable and enjoyable, e.g. a short familiar piece or a section of a favourite piece. Then whatever technical exercises have been assigned, and then whichever portions of pieces should be worked on. Here, it's important to establish the discipline straight away of slow accurate work and of zeroing in on the specific passages that are problematic, rather than just endlessly repeating the whole piece. The teacher should be able to show you how to supervise this initially.

This is an incredible comment, thanks. Thanks also to those who have provided insight.

Re questions: my choice but they liked it and were excited to do it. Complaints only recent. I wouldn’t say we are at a serious level of complaining. Just less enthusiasm. To the comment re benefits developmentally - perhaps google it. There’s a whole raft of research on it. For adults too. Re practising, hadn’t considered doing more but perhaps that is an important factor. Didn’t want to overload them. DC9 responds well when they’re good at something so maybe is what I’m lacking here as previously was really into it.

OP posts:
Lancasterel · 11/04/2023 07:30

I think playing an instrument is a fantastic skill to have. I played the piano growing up and reached grade 7 before university - I often wanted to stop but my mum gently encouraged me to keep going and I really appreciate it now! She would always tell me I could stop after I’d done Grade 3/4/5 etc if I wanted to, but then I never wanted to apparently 😂
I don’t think I could force my DC to have lessons though and I don’t think it’s a non-negociable, but persuade/encourage/explain to them the benefits, yes!