Child's piano lesson

[Wellthatsthatthenisntit]

My DCs both do piano lessons. Age 6 and 9. Recently DC9 has begun complaining about going. It is half an hour a week (lesson) and they do two practices of about 10 mins during the week. Been going 18 months.

My view is that this is non-negotiable. It will help with their development, and future choices in life, and both doing very well with it. I gave up a musical instrument when young, which I regret, and parents never pushed me. I realise I am projecting.

For the record I am not pushy in any other way and they happily do swimming, a team sport (winter and summer) and other activities of their choosing. I don't make them do extra schoolwork or anything like that.

Family member thinks I am being horrible. AIBU?

I'm with you on this, OP and am doing the same thing for the same reasons, but we practice for 20 minutes a day. I spoke to my kids music teacher who said to develop a love of music in my son (aged 8). He does the Simply Piano app which he loves and I set challenges for him to compose his own songs or try to play his favourite songs from the radio. I give my son as many opportunities to perform as possible and he gets a lot from the audience feedback. I was previously just drilling him on practising his pieces like Mrs Trunchbull until I tried this approach, but there is an element of 'compulsory' to it, like reading and doing his homework. I tried a few different instruments as a child and always gave my mum the sob story and she let me quit. Really, I just couldn't be arsed and now see that I'm actually quite musical with a good ear and see it as such a shame. Make it fun and introduce more practise time so your kids actually see their progress develop and get a boost from that.

My dd said this about gymnastics a couple of years ago. I knew she loved it but she found the rush to get there straight from school a but stressful on a day when her friends went to the park. I did encourage her to keep going bit we swapped to a later session and she loves it just as much as ever. I would explore why they are wanting to quit first.

So helpful - will look into that!

My parents made me have piano lessons as a young child. I hated it. I’d fake illness and injury to try and get out of it! It was extra pressure, more homework, my teacher was horrible, and I didn’t enjoy it.
It really didn’t help with my future choices!
You don’t always know what’s best for your children. If you want your child to do an extracurricular activity then help them find something they’d love to do, not what you’d love to have done.
Also, it’s not too late for you to learn the piano!! Stop projecting and get some lessons booked in!

My mum (who is also a piano teacher!) didn't make me do lessons and exams, but she did make me play as a condition of having singing lessons. She said that it would benefit my singing to understand the harmonies around melody (and that it would be nice to be able to accompany myself). As long as I played about two hours a week, she was happy (it ended up being much more, usually). Also, my sight-singing improved enormously when I started doing a lot of sight-reading on the piano.

She was totally right. I did my grade 8 singing yonks ago, but I don't really sing anymore. I'm at about grade 7 piano and I play most days.

If your kids just aren't interested in musical instruments at all, that's one thing - but if they like another instrument, I'd tell them that they need to keep up the piano, at least informally. It is such a useful instrument.

You're welcome!

At age 9 my dd was doing 2-3 hours practice a week, that's what it takes to progress- at 9 they should be progressing and being motivated by that. Is it lack of progression?

i send my 9 year old to lessons- I wouldn’t quite go as far as to say it’s non negotiable but I am definitely the driver of this. He won’t do any kind of extra curricular at all so I am insistent he has to do something. He’s pretty good when he’s in the mood .

however 10 minutes twice a week is nothing. I sit with my son about 5
times a week for 15-20 minutes (I’m a grade 8 player myself so have a bit of an idea). He’s making progress, will sit grade 2 soon. You either need to make a bigger commitment, or let him give up.

as for your 6 yo, all children are different but my now 9yo struggled to be sufficiently focussed and coordinated at that age

My dd loves her piano lessons but practice is a bit torturous. We do 15 mins a day but try for more. It isn't until recently that she started to progress a lot more swiftly that she's seeing some enjoyment from it. I'd say you need to keep going, it's like walking through mud for the first bit until they start to realise they can actually play!

I've found playing duets with her works best as she then sees it as time spent with me rather than practice per se.

Ironically the 6 year old is most focused at the moment! Thanks - not a piano player myself so hadn’t grasped the amount of practise needed. DC9 loves it when he is actually playing - and he is making progress - so we’ll maybe give more practise a go. And the app someone suggested -DC9 loves a screen so sure he’d be really into that.

They will never become proficient musicians with just one instrument and 30 minutes practice a day.

You are their parent. Insist they choose at least one instrument from each of the main orchestral sections (woodwind, brass, strings, percussion) and enforce 45 minutes to an hour of practice every day on each. They will definitely thank you for this in later life.

Music should be a joy, not a chore.but it does take sustained practice to make progress and 20 minutes is not enough to help. Maybe take them to a children's classical concert or similar and see if they are inspired by a different instrument? We found that frequent practice is much better, so daily as an aim, then if you miss one or two it isn't so bad. Easier to build five times a week for five minutes, into five times a week for ten minutes etc. I agree about getting a structure to the practice, their teacher might need to write down what this looks like. Also explore the kind of music they enjoy, do they like musicals or einaudi or pop songs? Maybe their teacher could include some of their choice alongside his/ her standard curriculum. I hope they rediscover their love for piano, or find another instrument. Their previous lessons won't be wasted if they change instruments.

I agree with asking them why.
I did piano lessons as a child and quit despite some heavy bribery from my mum.

Mainly I quit because I didn't like the teacher. She patted me on the head when I did something well which I found patronising. And her house (and her ) smelled a bit weird. I knew that wasn't a 'kind' thing to say so I said I didn't like piano!

Later in childhood I took up a different instrument and played up until grade 7.
Maybe your dad doesn't like the teacher or the journey or the rush (as per pp) or something unconnected to the actual music.

Yeah the simply piano app is good but expensive- free Trial is worth a go

to be perfectly honest I don’t know how my ds would make any progress if it wasn’t for the fact that I can direct him as to what he’s doing right and wrong. It must be tough as a non playing parent but obviously some parents do manage. Best of luck with it, it is definitely worth doing. My own parents sat with me for years, I did eventually get self motivated but not until I was well into high school. Again though they were music teachers themselves so sort of knew what they were doing.

Dc not dad!

My DS does lots of activites and at times has wanted to give them all up. My rule is to keep going for another term and then sees how he feels. He's always changed his mind and kept going, but if he didn't then I'd absolutely let him stop.

My dd 8 had lessons for about 2 years but after a year didn't want to do it. She would complain about going, not want to practice and in the end i let her stop the lessons. I think they have to want to do it to progress. She does sports and dancing which she absolutely loves, if the enthusiasm isn't there maybe take a break and try something else.

I'm pleased my parents made me learn. I love playing piano now! My first teacher was too strict and I disliked the lessons so we agreed a teacher change. The new teacher was awesome!

My 7 and 12 year old have lessons. Their teacher is chilled out, fun, quirky.

Perhaps consider changing teacher?

Teaching them you have absolute control over their lives as children and they need to obey you is, potentially, a useful tool in your parenting toolkit.

Or an invitation to mental health problems in the years to come.

Some absolutely bonkers replies on here. A hobby should be enjoyable, no matter what the persons age. Of course you let them stop. "Non negotiotable" 😂 some people clearly have more money & middle class aspirations than sense!!

It is half an hour a week (lesson) and they do two practices of about 10 mins during the week

This is not enough practice for either of them. The 6 year old should be doing about 10 mins a day and the 9 year old should be doing 20 mins a day.
If a child does not practise enough they don't make progress and that means they are "stuck" on beginner pieces for far too long and it becomes boring. Aside from that, they turn up to lessons (piano teacher here!) and you end up having to repeat the work from the previous week because they've forgotten what to do. That means it's no fun for anyone.
If a 9 year old is stuck too long at beginner level they have no perspective of what they could play - pieces they might like to learn seem out of reach, they can't imagine playing like people they see in bands on the TV etc,. They feel like they are playing "baby stuff" and then they lose interest. A 6 year old is different, they generally aren't bothered about playing the beginner pieces for a longer period of time - they haven't got the same concepts in their head as to what piano playing should look like as a 9 year old.

I've probably explained that badly... but the upshot of it is, as others have said, the 9 year old needs to practise more to see results.
Increase the practise until the summer holidays and see what happens. Say that the lessons are non-negotiable until the summer. Then have a discussion with the child before the notice period for the lessons is up (ie. find out when you have to quit by, don't ditch the lessons at short notice, or worse as has happened to me a couple of times, decide in the first or second week of September not to return). If the child still doesn't want to go to lessons after increasing the practice sessions for the next 4 months then let them quit. Another instrument might be more suitable. Some children are better suited to an instrument where they can play in a group and some children struggle with reading both clefs and coordinating both hands on the piano. I've had a few of those and have advised a switch to a single-line instrument which went very well in all of those cases.

Does the teacher know they're only playing for ten minutes a couple times per week? Honestly that's barely enough time to run through a known piece a couple of times, let alone hone in on something they need to improve on or try something new.

I would engage with the teacher on this. Explain that they're only playing 20m max between lessons across the week and ask if they have any tips for motivating them, or what they can suggest. Do they have a practice diary? They're so helpful. If you work with the teacher they can agree at the end of the lesson what the child will work on that week, mark it off each day when they've had a practice session, and then present it the following week. If they don't have it written down what to actually practice it's often quite hard for children to remember what they worked on, what they need to be working on, and have the discipline to do it!

You could even make it 'fun' by putting a chart up somewhere visible, and when they hit a run of a week practicing daily they get a small treat or something.

Something to think about: maybe rename practicing as playing. Practicing by the nature of the word suggests doing something you're not very good at or aren't great at to get better, whereas what they're actually doing is playing, regardless of how well or what they're working on. Maybe takes the chore aspect away by asking 'what did you play today?' rather than 'did you practice?'

At this age supervised practice sessions would be helpful, by a parent, if the teacher helps you with what to focus on. You could also try recording a practice session to share with the teacher and see what could be improved.

All this to say... if they really want to give up, I'd let them. They can always continue in the future as adults if they want to, and forcing someone to keep going with something they hate is a surefire way to entrench that hate!

I also think there's a lot to be said for picking up a social instrument too, maybe violin or flute, of course only if it's within your budget and time resources. Piano is amazing but it's often a very solitary pursuit, unless you get really, really good at it enough to start accompanying others or performing live or joining an orchestra, which would be in adulthood. If they learn something that means they can join some kind of band it's extremely motivating due to the social groups that form, trips away, performance. As a kid/teen I was in the orchestra as a violinist, the wind band as a flautist, and the piano just on my own in my bedroom! I wasn't a massively motivated musician and didn't play as much as I should have done, but having a place to go every week for a few hours with my friends to play together with some structure was a great experience. I even ended up going on tours around Italy and the Czech Republic, to this day I have excellent peripheral vision from the orchestra and ended up doing a degree in music.

My kids have music lessons and I judge how they feel about it when they come out of the lesson. It’s quite common to have “urgh, piano, I hate it” when I tell them we’re going to the music school (I’m not in the U.K) but to have them skipping out 30 minutes later and saying their lesson was “great” and agreeing they don’t hate playing at all. If they came out unhappy I would take it more seriously. I agree with others, practice needs to be daily (although I tend to take the pressure off Friday night and Saturday)

Let them pick a woodwind instrument, something social where they learn within ensembles at school. It keeps up the enthusiasm without your constant need to encourage them.

I have two who play in regional ensembles and within the orchestra. They play a woodwind instrument each and enjoy it. They both can read music.

I have a piano at home but neither is interested in learning so I practice music on the piano myself.

There are loads other instruments they can learn. Don't be disheartened.

YABU... I've played piano since I was 11 years old (now in my late thirties). I had lessons for 6 years and then stopped as I wasn't enjoying it anymore and left to go to uni. Fast forward a couple of years and I heard a pianist at a gig, it completely reignited my passion for piano and I progressed more in the next year than I had in the ten before it. I play for enjoyment- other than improved mental wellbeing because I enjoy it, I don't believe it's had a major role in how 'well' my life has turned out.

I think the key has to be whether your kids are enjoying it. Your eldest isn't. I think it's worth talking about why they aren't enjoying lessons: Is it that their lessons are too theory-based? Music being taught isn't to their taste? Are they feeling pressured to do exams when they don't want to? (This was a big one for me and thankfully my parents respected this and stopped any gearing towards music exams after my Grade 2). I think any of those can potentially be changed, but if it's that they genuinely aren't enjoying learning then I think it's cruel to continue. If they're not motivated then you also won't see the progress that you're looking for.

For what it's worth I think it's good that you recognise how your own experience is impacting on your behaviour now. Can you look into lessons as an adult? Never too late to learn! Try and see this from your child's perspective - it would be like your mum telling you that she always regretted her parents not having pushed her more in basket weaving/ advanced chemistry/ ice hockey and therefore you have to have weekly lessons in the above whether you want to or not. Doesn't sound so caring or kind when viewed in that way. Your kids aren't you. X