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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more from my DD godparents?

65 replies

Itsybitsyminion · 10/04/2023 21:34

We had a daughter 3 years ago. First couple from our group of friends to have children. We decided to invite a couple, dear friends from many years, to be her godparents. We used to do everything together, like holidays, weekend breaks, regular dinners. It made sense to us to have them in our DD life and show them how much we appreciate their friendship. We invited them when she was 1yo and by then we felt that our group was quite distant already, but it was COVID times and obviously welcoming a baby changed massively our lives and routines. Still they were very happy and accepted. Time has passed and nothing much changed... We barely see them. Last year we met 4 times. Nothing comes naturally, arranging a lunch or dinner is a massive problem. Is like walking on eggshells (are we meeting at yours or at ours, somewhere in the middle? With or without DD?) We have the feeling because they have no kids they expect everything to be as it was before DD and so occasionally we meet without her. They never ask about her or show any interest when we send a picture of her. They might reply with a heart emoji. When we meet them with DD they are lovely and always have a little present for her but that's it. They are now 4 months pregnant... Not sure if anything will change when they realize how parenthood can be lonely at times... That's how they made us feel everytime they showed lack of interest on weekend breaks or dinners with a stay over.
AIBU for thinking we made a really poor choice for our DD? What is actually expected from Godparents?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 10/04/2023 21:36

I don’t think my kids know who their god parents are. I’ve never expected anything of them.
In fact one of them has died.

wincywincyspider · 10/04/2023 21:37

Are you religious?
If not, I don't think anything is really expected of god parents. It's just a pointless title.

cloudonego · 10/04/2023 21:38

To help their godchild learn about God and live a good Christian life and all that isn't it?

Albiboba · 10/04/2023 21:38

When we meet them with DD they are lovely and always have a little present for her but that's it.

What do you mean ‘that’s it’ though? What else are you expecting?

HamBone · 10/04/2023 21:40

DD’s godmother is a lovely friend, but I suspect she’s forgotten that she’s her godmother, tbh. 😂 Haven’t seen hide nor hair of DS’s godparents for ages, we used to be in a friend group with them, but now we don’t see much of each other.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 10/04/2023 21:41

As someone who only has DC thanks to IVF, my first thought would be possible fertility struggles. Before we conceived DD, I did not want anything to do with other people's DC. I did not wish anybody ill, but I was so heartbroken by my infertility I couldn't stand to be around children. I only met my DN on DH side when she was 2 (My DB is extremely well off and paid for my IVF and I will forever be so grateful to him and his wife for that kindness)

PuffinsRocks · 10/04/2023 21:43

YABU.

WheelsUp · 10/04/2023 21:43

I think that you should have spoken to your friends about what you're hoping from a godparent.

In real life I've seen a whole spectrum of godparents - from a honorary title only through to highly involved and knowing the child inside and out.

Original poster
Itsybitsyminion · 10/04/2023 21:43

I think I am just disappointed that our friendship faded after DD was born. And honestly shocked that as our close friends they never remember asking how she is when we talk

OP posts:
Snowpaw · 10/04/2023 21:43

It is hard to be hugely enthusiastic about someone else’s children. Especially if you are not a parent yourself.

Hankunamatata · 10/04/2023 21:44

This is why mil reccomended choosing relations as godparents so we went with cousins.

Dontbelieveaword · 10/04/2023 21:45

What expectations did you have of them as godparents?
As a young couple without children, it's to be expected they would continue living as a childless couple, enjoy different activities, have different interests and so probably wouldn't expect every social occasion to involve your DC.
Also, I think covid changed everyone's lives and how and how often they spent time with others and so maybe this had a part in it too?
If they invited you to be GPs to their unborn child, what would you do differently? Of course, like yours, their lives are going to drastically change now and maybe they will realise they've been a little selfish or neglectful of your DC.

DannyZukosSmile · 10/04/2023 21:46

JMO but I think having Godparents is so outdated now. The vast majority of people I know have no CLUE who their Godparents are/were. Some people who are only 15-20 don't know. They are old friends of their parents who they have naff-all to do with, and have often fallen out with. Many of them haven't seen their Godparents since they were 4 or 5!

I can't see the point, as anyone and everyone who is/has ever been a Godparent, has never done typical 'Godparent' things, they are not religious, and they have never been a particularly good example to the child, and they will certainly never ever take the child on if they lost their parents. It means nothing to most people, and is just a name.

DH and I were asked to be Godparents to someone's son some 15 years ago, and we said 'no' as we simply didn't want to do it. The couple were really quite offended and slighted that we said no, and also very shocked. Couldn't imagine why anyone would say no! Honestly, we could not be arsed! They gave us a wide berth after that, and we haven't seen them for 10 years. LOL, imagine being an arsey twat with someone because they said no to being a Godparent to your sprog?

Toottooot · 10/04/2023 21:47

Has she been christened?

RandomMess · 10/04/2023 21:49

If you and they don't have a faith why did you have godparents at all?

For all you know they could have been experiencing infertility for years and being around a baby and young child was very painful.

Aprilx · 10/04/2023 21:55

I think you were expecting too much of godparents, it doesn’t usually mean anything in practice once the ceremony is over. Also in terms of meeting up, I’d have really expected it to be the other way around, that you would occasionally meet them with your daughter not occasionally meet up without her. Childless couples don’t typically want to be socialising with a baby / toddler, I think this would just have highlighted that you are in a different phase of life now and have less in common.

EasterBreak · 10/04/2023 21:55

If you're that religious to have godparents can you not meet at church every week?

SunshineGeorgie · 10/04/2023 21:56

You don't mention church.......

SunshineGeorgie · 10/04/2023 21:56

When you talk about outings and meet ups....where's the church part?

Phoebo · 10/04/2023 22:00

It's sad but friendships change. It is often harder when you have young kids if the other couple doesn't have kids to do the same things you used to. You'd probably be the same if the situation was reversed unless you were massively into kids

Saoirse82 · 10/04/2023 22:04

I'm Irish so Catholic christenings are standard whether the parents are religious or not. All my friends babies are christened and I've got 3 Godchildren and my interest in them is no different than with my other close friends children. I don't expect anything out of my child's Godparents either, it's just a way of me saying to them that they are important to our family but I expect nothing extra from them.

JoanOgden · 10/04/2023 22:05

They are lovely to her and buy her a little presents whenever you meet up - this is not bad!

I buy my goddaughter birthday presents and go to events like her school play. I'm not sure I did much when she was 2, though - hard to have much of a relationship with a toddler.

Rogue1001MNer · 10/04/2023 22:06

It might all change when they're parents themselves

caringcarer · 10/04/2023 22:10

I suspect once they are parents themselves you will meet up more for children to play or be taken on days out.

JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 22:13

Are they actually practising Christians? Are you? Or did you just want the Christening ceromony?
I can't believe you're asking about expectations and 'duties' years down to line. I bet they gave it as much thought as you did and thought of it in a similar vain as asking someone to be Best Man or Maid of Honour.

Are you sure this is just about being a godparent or is it a general dissatisfaction with the way the friendships is going. Most friendships need work to keep them going. That involves more than forwarding a pic of your kid. Meeting up does take arranging and I'm sure they do like to see you on your own too. Dare I say they probably prefer it. Most people do (except grandparents) unless your kids play well with their kids. It needs to be a 2 way process and you need to pick up the phone.
If the godparent bit is important do you have a replacement in mind. I actually dont think your friends will mind one bit but tell them its because of the distance and the amount of time they need to invest. Id bet they had no idea this was your expectation.