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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more from my DD godparents?

65 replies

Itsybitsyminion · 10/04/2023 21:34

We had a daughter 3 years ago. First couple from our group of friends to have children. We decided to invite a couple, dear friends from many years, to be her godparents. We used to do everything together, like holidays, weekend breaks, regular dinners. It made sense to us to have them in our DD life and show them how much we appreciate their friendship. We invited them when she was 1yo and by then we felt that our group was quite distant already, but it was COVID times and obviously welcoming a baby changed massively our lives and routines. Still they were very happy and accepted. Time has passed and nothing much changed... We barely see them. Last year we met 4 times. Nothing comes naturally, arranging a lunch or dinner is a massive problem. Is like walking on eggshells (are we meeting at yours or at ours, somewhere in the middle? With or without DD?) We have the feeling because they have no kids they expect everything to be as it was before DD and so occasionally we meet without her. They never ask about her or show any interest when we send a picture of her. They might reply with a heart emoji. When we meet them with DD they are lovely and always have a little present for her but that's it. They are now 4 months pregnant... Not sure if anything will change when they realize how parenthood can be lonely at times... That's how they made us feel everytime they showed lack of interest on weekend breaks or dinners with a stay over.
AIBU for thinking we made a really poor choice for our DD? What is actually expected from Godparents?

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 10/04/2023 23:52

It made sense to us to have them in our DD life and show them how much we appreciate their friendship
It sounds like you view being 'Godparents' as some kind of reward you bestow for being great friends. 😂

We invited them when she was 1yo and by then we felt that our group was quite distant already
So the friendship was already waning and being chosen as 'Godparents' was supposed to bring it back? Such a weird idea of what it actually means to be a Godparent.

Oopswediditagain2023 · 11/04/2023 00:00

Everyone has differing ideas of the "role" of a godparent I guess. I wouldn't say I'm especially religious but I'm godparent to two god daughters and it's a role I take very seriously! I very much see them as a niece and do a lot for them and their families. I see it as a great honour to be asked to be the godparent of someone's child!

On the other hand my mum has no idea who she's a godmother of. She thinks she might have four or five godchildren but she's no idea which ones!

ReadersD1gest · 11/04/2023 00:08

can't see the point, as anyone and everyone who is/has ever been a Godparent, has never done typical 'Godparent' things, they are not religious, and they have never been a particularly good example to the child, and they will certainly never ever take the child on if they lost their parents. It means nothing to most people, and is just a name.
That's quite a statement. I presume by anyone and everyone you mean those of your acquaintance, rather than literally everyone?? 😂
Btw, if you think the role of godparent is to take on the child if they lost their parents you haven't the first notion of what it means.

ComputerWifeKaren · 11/04/2023 00:28

Haven't seen hide nor hair of my godparents for 32 years. I’m 33. Pretty sure it's more parents trying to affirm friendships at the time than actual lifelong support for the child. Then again, it also wasn’t my choice to be christened Grin

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/04/2023 00:32

And honestly shocked that as our close friends they never remember asking how she is when we talk

I understand this is your first child, but it wouldn't occur to me to ask friends 'how' their child is when talking. I'd be asking how they are.

You sound a bit precious to be honest.

Newmumatlast · 11/04/2023 01:03

Itsybitsyminion · 10/04/2023 21:34

We had a daughter 3 years ago. First couple from our group of friends to have children. We decided to invite a couple, dear friends from many years, to be her godparents. We used to do everything together, like holidays, weekend breaks, regular dinners. It made sense to us to have them in our DD life and show them how much we appreciate their friendship. We invited them when she was 1yo and by then we felt that our group was quite distant already, but it was COVID times and obviously welcoming a baby changed massively our lives and routines. Still they were very happy and accepted. Time has passed and nothing much changed... We barely see them. Last year we met 4 times. Nothing comes naturally, arranging a lunch or dinner is a massive problem. Is like walking on eggshells (are we meeting at yours or at ours, somewhere in the middle? With or without DD?) We have the feeling because they have no kids they expect everything to be as it was before DD and so occasionally we meet without her. They never ask about her or show any interest when we send a picture of her. They might reply with a heart emoji. When we meet them with DD they are lovely and always have a little present for her but that's it. They are now 4 months pregnant... Not sure if anything will change when they realize how parenthood can be lonely at times... That's how they made us feel everytime they showed lack of interest on weekend breaks or dinners with a stay over.
AIBU for thinking we made a really poor choice for our DD? What is actually expected from Godparents?

Are you religious, are they, and did you therefore chose godparents to have an active role in helping your child in their journey with God? or are you not religious and just did it because that's what people do? I think that makes a difference personally.

Newmumatlast · 11/04/2023 01:06

Babyroobs · 10/04/2023 22:17

I am godparent to 3 children, lost touch with two of them years ago but was very involved with them and supporting their single parent dad when they were small. The other one I see occasionally as she is my friends dd but other than that not in regular touch. unless you are religious I don't really see the point of godparents?

Agree with you. If you want that special relationship but in an atheist or agnostic way you dont need to get people to sign up to be godparents and say words they dont mean in a church. But OP and these godparents may be active Christians

Sailingaround · 11/04/2023 01:27

AIBU for thinking we made a really poor choice for our DD? What is actually expected from Godparents?

Did you have any better options? It sounds like you never. I don’t think they sound terrible, or bad choice as such. What is it that you expect more from them?

I have 3 godchildren! Two are siblings and I discount them tbh because me and their mum stopped talking about a decade ago when they were still very young. But the one I’m still in contact with I buy her nice presents every year and try and spend time with her when I’m invited to her birthday parties over the years.

I think of godparents as additional aunties so they do the usual aunty/uncle stuff.

Maybe it’s because I like kids but I’m always surprised when people don’t show any interest in their close friends children. I’m unofficial godparent /fun aunty to many kids. Their parents don’t need to give me a title for me to care. If I’m close with someone it’s not hard for me to take a genuine interest in their kids. I have a lot going on nowadays, and due to distance I may not see them as much but when I do we get along and I enjoy taking kids out for activities etc.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 11/04/2023 02:12

@Itsybitsyminion hahaha you made me laugh so much lol. Please relax and look after your children and stop putting undue pressure on the godparents.

If you did your parents and other family members are most likely going to look after your kids not godparents.

JacobsCrackersCheeseFogg · 11/04/2023 05:26

I never really knew my godmother. I think all relationships change after children come along. It seems inevitable.

Emanresu9 · 11/04/2023 05:31

I think the role of godparents is to teach the child about god, help them in their spiritual journey and ensure they’re accessing religion. They make a vow in church to do just that.

any lunches or gifts are a bonus if they happen.

BungleandGeorge · 11/04/2023 05:41

Are you religious? Are they religious? The point of a godparent is to provide religious guidance, she’s quite young for that yet though. I think it’s totally normal that they’ve wanted to
socialise with you without a young child. Once they’ve got their own it will probably be easier

Bonnieweejeaniemccall · 11/04/2023 06:57

I suspect this is less about the fact that they are god parents and the fact that they were best friends of yours that you spent alot of time with and now it's so different. And to be honest I totally get it, we had a sort of similar situation and now they have a dd of their own so I hope that it will bring us back together a bit more but it's hard. Both just at different stages of life is all.

JenniferBarkley · 11/04/2023 07:23

Tale as old as time, friendship drifting when one side has DC. We were among the last of our group to have babies and I definitely didn't get it when suggesting dinners out to friends and the likes. I wasn't particularly interested in their children either tbh, I find small children more interesting now that I have my own and can relate but not before.

See how things go when they have their baby and things have settled a bit. You might find you're all on the same page again.

I wouldn't focus on the godparent bit, it's not a big deal to a lot of people as you'll have seen from this thread.

backinthefog · 11/04/2023 12:45

You say they're expecting a baby now but my first thought when I read your post was whether they'd had infertility challenges, or suffered from pregnancy loss in the past.

Going by my own experiences and having suffered from both I know what a struggle it can be to keep relationships with friends who have children when you're in the thick of it and sometimes having (a hopefully temporary - but 'temporary' could be years) distance from friends with babies and children is the only way to maintain some sanity.

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