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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more from my DD godparents?

65 replies

Itsybitsyminion · 10/04/2023 21:34

We had a daughter 3 years ago. First couple from our group of friends to have children. We decided to invite a couple, dear friends from many years, to be her godparents. We used to do everything together, like holidays, weekend breaks, regular dinners. It made sense to us to have them in our DD life and show them how much we appreciate their friendship. We invited them when she was 1yo and by then we felt that our group was quite distant already, but it was COVID times and obviously welcoming a baby changed massively our lives and routines. Still they were very happy and accepted. Time has passed and nothing much changed... We barely see them. Last year we met 4 times. Nothing comes naturally, arranging a lunch or dinner is a massive problem. Is like walking on eggshells (are we meeting at yours or at ours, somewhere in the middle? With or without DD?) We have the feeling because they have no kids they expect everything to be as it was before DD and so occasionally we meet without her. They never ask about her or show any interest when we send a picture of her. They might reply with a heart emoji. When we meet them with DD they are lovely and always have a little present for her but that's it. They are now 4 months pregnant... Not sure if anything will change when they realize how parenthood can be lonely at times... That's how they made us feel everytime they showed lack of interest on weekend breaks or dinners with a stay over.
AIBU for thinking we made a really poor choice for our DD? What is actually expected from Godparents?

OP posts:
Stroopwaffle5000 · 10/04/2023 22:15

Godparents are to help the child in religious and moral matters. What else are you expecting them to do, she's only 3!

dittbtdity · 10/04/2023 22:15

Being a god parent is a pain in the arse. Who can be bothered having a 'special' relationship with someone else's kid. It's so weird, exhausting and boring and can be expensive 🙄. Relationships need to develop naturally over time.

Blarn · 10/04/2023 22:16

If you are Christian and they are not you perhaps should have been clearer about what you expected them to do. But a gift each time you meet up is lovely.

Babyroobs · 10/04/2023 22:17

I am godparent to 3 children, lost touch with two of them years ago but was very involved with them and supporting their single parent dad when they were small. The other one I see occasionally as she is my friends dd but other than that not in regular touch. unless you are religious I don't really see the point of godparents?

Ktime · 10/04/2023 22:18

They are now 4 months pregnant... Not sure if anything will change when they realize how parenthood can be lonely at times... That's how they made us feel everytime they showed lack of interest on weekend breaks or dinners with a stay over.

I’d match their effort when they become parents. Don’t be fooled into thinking they will become the godparents you want them to be.

AngryPurpleSleepingBag · 10/04/2023 22:19

I always come on this kind of thread to check if I’m the disappointing godparent. Don’t think so phew!

CC4712 · 10/04/2023 22:20

What else are you expecting OP?

I'm a godparent to my own cousins child, and my husbands 2nd cousin's child. I feel honoured, but never really not sure what I should/shouldn't be doing? Both families have since had more children- so I now give equal value birthday and Christmas gifts for all 5 children. It would feel odd to give nothing to the siblings- but again- there is no rule book to help with this?

Since having children- neither couple have been able to meet on their own- without the children- I understand this. I get on really well with DH's wife, who only lives 1hr away- but even then- we've had no opportunity to chat like we used to- pre her children.

DH and I have struggled for 13yrs to conceive. I've lost 3 and had rounds of IVF. We will never have our own children. This is clearly just my own, personal experience, but dynamics do change when people do/don't have children. It's very tricky to bring up infertility, miscarriages, IVF etc when their toddler and child are constantly there- asking for mummy, pulling their clothes, asking for a poo etc!

Just showing you another side OP.

Motheranddaughter · 10/04/2023 22:25

Have several godchildren
Eldest is 33
I am religious so do my best to support them on that side of things
Give big presents but less than I give nieces/Nephews

UsingChangeofName · 10/04/2023 22:25

Albiboba · 10/04/2023 21:38

When we meet them with DD they are lovely and always have a little present for her but that's it.

What do you mean ‘that’s it’ though? What else are you expecting?

This is what I was wondering.

Cinnamon23 · 10/04/2023 22:29

What is actually expected from Godparents?

Did you not know this when you chose to have them?

scrivette · 10/04/2023 22:35

Your DD's Godparent's should be helping you to guide her through the Christian Faith and praying for her as they promised to do.

adomizo · 10/04/2023 22:41

This is normal in my experience..... most of my kids godparents have fallen by the wayside despite being good friends and trying to keep in touch with them..they largely didnt make much effort. .... It's just life..people have different priorities and generally things don't turn out like you think they will. Don't overthink this too much. Friendships constantly evolve and they have been pretty attentive and give gifts etc. Just go with the flow....you may see them loads after they have this baby or not at all. Either way you can't change them. 🙃

Houseplantmad · 10/04/2023 22:42

Are you religious? Are they? Otherwise, what’s the point of having christenings or godparents?

HelpMeGetThrough · 10/04/2023 22:43

Pretty sure I'm a god parent to a family members child, for he life of me, I can't remember who though.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 10/04/2023 22:43

Itsybitsyminion · 10/04/2023 21:43

I think I am just disappointed that our friendship faded after DD was born. And honestly shocked that as our close friends they never remember asking how she is when we talk

Well of course it did. You started an entirely different life.

Other peoples kids aren’t interesting.

sunshineandshowers40 · 10/04/2023 22:44

I would also say this is normal especially if you/they are not particularly religious.

milkysmum · 10/04/2023 22:49

My children are 14 and 11. I don't think they would know who they're godparents are now, and I'm no longer friends with 3 of the 4 people unfortunately ( we just lost touch over the years ). I think you are expecting too much.

DorritLittle · 10/04/2023 22:50

Saoirse82 · 10/04/2023 22:04

I'm Irish so Catholic christenings are standard whether the parents are religious or not. All my friends babies are christened and I've got 3 Godchildren and my interest in them is no different than with my other close friends children. I don't expect anything out of my child's Godparents either, it's just a way of me saying to them that they are important to our family but I expect nothing extra from them.

I was brought up catholic too and my experience of being a godparent is exactly this.

OP, this couple may have found it awkward to behave like friends in the same way after you had your child. I have friends I have reconnected with now my kids are older. They probably felt similarly. One was not childless by choice.

ThinWomansBrain · 10/04/2023 22:55

Relatives were v put out when I declined to be a godmother, on the basis that I am not religious (neither were they). Post christening they sat there with an argos catalogue trying to price up the presents received.
Maybe they are religious - the church or Argos (or probably Amazon these days).

Floralnomad · 10/04/2023 23:05

I couldn’t have given a flying hoot about having ours christened but my husband wanted it so we did it for him . He also wanted his brother as god parent to both - he’s a crap uncle and a crap god parent .I chose a friend of mine for Godmother for them both and she is wonderful . They are now both adults and she still shows an interest and I know if they were ever in a jam she would help them out . To me that is what it’s about not money or gifts but knowing that there is someone else who will look out for them

8misskitty8 · 10/04/2023 23:09

What else where you expecting from them ?
I’ve not seen my godmother in about 20 years. She and my mum fell out when my mum told her she wouldn’t be a millionaire in a years time selling cleaning stuff ( one of the original ‘pyramid’ schemes ) like she was telling everyone.
My mum was right !

Ilovetea42 · 10/04/2023 23:17

Relationships naturally change when you have children and I do think it can be difficult for childless friends to understand. I remember one of my friends having her first way before kids were on my radar and our relationship was very different, no more meeting out for coffee because it was easier for her to meet at home where her kids toys were, difficult maintaining a conversation when she's distracted by what the kid was doing and being interrupted by the kid themselves wanting to play etc. I like kids so I didn't really mind but I missed being able to sit down and have a good chat with my friend. Sometimes it felt quite once sided because she'd been home alone all day and just talked at me without asking any questions. But that was just a phase, her kids are a little older and we're back to it except it's now reversed and I'm the one with the small child who can barely string a sentence together! If it's a friendship you value then I think you hold on and accept that things change and grow and hopefully this will make you feel closer again. You could also speak to them and explain how you've been feeling and that you hope that you can do more things now, but it'll be difficult for them initially with a new baby. I think you're maybe expecting a little too much tbh I'd let go a little and hopefully the friendship will be strong enough to come back around.

Spidey66 · 10/04/2023 23:17

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 10/04/2023 21:41

As someone who only has DC thanks to IVF, my first thought would be possible fertility struggles. Before we conceived DD, I did not want anything to do with other people's DC. I did not wish anybody ill, but I was so heartbroken by my infertility I couldn't stand to be around children. I only met my DN on DH side when she was 2 (My DB is extremely well off and paid for my IVF and I will forever be so grateful to him and his wife for that kindness)

The post does say they're expecting a baby though....

downtonupton · 10/04/2023 23:18

Like many of you - ours faded away.. DD has one of my oldest friends and she is the only one who remembers her - a small present on he birthday (she is now in her 20s). DS also only has one who remembers him. I cut ties with two of them though - turned a bit racist and tried to sell me bitcoin.

It happens as life moves on. Sad but it is how life goes at times.

89redballoons · 10/04/2023 23:23

What is actually expected of godparents?

Well for me, I am having my children christened because I want them to be brought up in the Christian faith. I've chosen godparents who I know are practising, thoughtful Christians and I expect/hope that they will be there to discuss any questions about religion or morality my children have as they get older, and will pray for them.

I also expect/hope they'll take an interest in their lives and turn up to family events and maybe send small birthday and Christmas presents when the children are young - similarly to what you'd expect their aunt or uncle might do.

Like most on this thread, I find it a bit weird that OP hasn't mentioned religion. Is there no religious element to what you expect of your children's godparents? If not what is the point?

If you're just miffed that your childless friends don't care very much about your child, and thought you could avoid that by giving them the title of godparents (which seems pretty meaningless to you) then YABU.