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Original poster

Table etiquette, which camp are you in…

97 replies

Chateaulaohshit · 10/04/2023 19:00

Do you wait for everyone to sit down before you start eating or is it fair game as soon as food is placed down?!

Ive been in quite a few various meal scenarios recently, family visits, group meals out and a holiday for 17 with communal meal times and it seems such a divide what people do.

I was always raised to wait until everyone was sitting down before we begin eating and it’s in turn how I have taught my children (who still sometimes still need a reminder!) but wondering if this is now old dashboard with more people either getting stuck without even pondering or hosts reassuring to start so it didn’t get cold…

What happens in your family/peers?

OP posts:
Arniesleftleg · 10/04/2023 20:25

At home we wait till we're all sat down, and no one leaves the table till everyone is finished. If we go out in a large group we eat when the food arrives as this is what everyone suggests, as do we, as you never know when the other meals will arrive, especially as our large group is 16 plus people most times.

Frabbits · 10/04/2023 20:27

The thing is, it's only rude because people tell you it's rude. At home when it's just us and the kids we just crack on because, well, it's seems stupid not too.

In more formal situations I do, of course, go through the slightly daft dance of "oh, you start, don't want it to get cold" etc.

TrueScrumptious · 10/04/2023 20:39

Frabbits · 10/04/2023 20:27

The thing is, it's only rude because people tell you it's rude. At home when it's just us and the kids we just crack on because, well, it's seems stupid not too.

In more formal situations I do, of course, go through the slightly daft dance of "oh, you start, don't want it to get cold" etc.

No, it’s rude at home too. Even more so perhaps. Someone has slaved over a hot stove to provide a meal, and everyone else treats them like a servant and doesn’t even wait for them. And it’s become so normal in their household that they think it’s OK.

toastofthetown · 10/04/2023 20:39

At a restaurant I would tell people to start eating and mean it. I probably wouldn't start eating unless a few other people had their plates too.

At home, generally I would wait until people are all seated, but if there's someone (who isn't the cook) is faffing around in the kitchen, picking crispy bits out of the roasting tin or otherwise wasting time then I'd probably start picking at my plate. If I'm hosting and tell people to start, I mean it and find it more annoying when people make a point of waiting when I've already said I don't care. On holiday, when there are 17 people, I'd view that as more informal dining and wouldn't be bothered if people started eating when they got their food. I think it would be courteous of the host in that scenario to encourage people to enjoy their food while it's hot.

kitsuneghost · 10/04/2023 20:43

I like to wait. I am a fast eater and don't want to be finished before others even arrive.
I actually really hate when people go on and on with the you start, go ahead, your foods getting cold etc... no. I don't want to.

Cookerhood · 10/04/2023 20:47

It's polite to wait unless instructed not too.
One of the first times my parents met my in laws my FIL tucked in & finished his before my mum had sat down to hers. My now DH was mortified.

VestaTilley · 10/04/2023 20:48

Need to wait here unless cook (me!) says otherwise. No getting down without asking, eating with mouth open, or talking with mouth full. As DS gets older we’ll move on to cutlery useage and elbows.

Frabbits · 10/04/2023 20:48

TrueScrumptious · 10/04/2023 20:39

No, it’s rude at home too. Even more so perhaps. Someone has slaved over a hot stove to provide a meal, and everyone else treats them like a servant and doesn’t even wait for them. And it’s become so normal in their household that they think it’s OK.

Show quote history

Well, for a start we tend to all pitch in with the cooking, so nobody here is "slaving" over a hot stove by themselves to make a meal.

And secondly, nah, it's not rude because we don't think it's rude. Nobody gets offended if the kids start eating during the 5 seconds it takes to lift the final plate or two from the worktop to the table, which is all of about 6 feet away, because frankly why would you?

Manners and etiquette are not hard and fast rules and often don't make any sense when you really think about them. Like I said in more formal settings we'll of course obey established social norms but that's not to say I don't secretly think some of them are daft as fuck.

WeWereInParis · 10/04/2023 20:49

Generally I'd wait. A holiday for 17 people I would probably just start.

MasterBeth · 10/04/2023 20:56

Wait.

Those who have yet to be served can allow others to start if it will be a long wait.

But... still wait. Your food is not suddenly going to become inedible if you wait. And if it takes ten minutes (?) to eat a plate of food, the first minute or so is not crucial. Just be polite and wait.

Simonjt · 10/04/2023 21:00

Its poor manners to serve food and to make people wait before eating it, I wouldn’t be impressed by any host who served food and wouldn’t have the thought to encourage their guests to eat before the food started to cool.

2020Raquet · 10/04/2023 21:14

Simonjt · 10/04/2023 21:00

Its poor manners to serve food and to make people wait before eating it, I wouldn’t be impressed by any host who served food and wouldn’t have the thought to encourage their guests to eat before the food started to cool.

I would serve food to everyone at the same time or family style, so would think it the height of bad manners if a guest couldn’t wait the 30 seconds it takes me to put all plates/food on the table and for the cook to be seated. My friends/family would help with the serving anyway, so it probably wouldn’t even be 30 seconds. In a restaurant/wedding etc, I would wait until the whole table was all served. Plates should be warm so food doesn’t get cold that quickly. If there was a error/delay with my order, I would of course tell everyone else not to wait for me and to tuck in!

nosyupnorth · 10/04/2023 21:29

How badly are y'all underheating your food that you're convinced it's going to go inedibly cold if you wait a few minutes for everybody else to get theirs?

PurpleParrotfish · 10/04/2023 21:31

Our family house rules are to wait until the last person (usually the cook) has sat down. Just feels nicer if the kids aren’t already shovelling it in while the last things are still being brought to the table.

In a pub or restaurant where there’s a delay bringing food then it’s normal to say ‘Don’t wait for us / don’t let it go cold’.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/04/2023 21:32

Group of us having a pub lunch, where it can take a while for stuff to come out, dig in. No point sitting and watching it get cold.

Dinner party where it's all coming out together pretty much, wait.

DelurkingLawyer · 10/04/2023 21:48

I was brought up to wait at home. If food comes out in serving dishes, it should stay hot and it is rude to start helping yourself to the best bits/what you want/how much you want before everyone is sitting down together. Or it is being plated up and
brought out in which case it should be only a short time before everyone is served. The food won’t go cold and it’s polite to wait so the person serving sits down with you and you all eat together. They’re not a servant.

My FIL was a rude selfish old coot who just started as soon as his plate was in front of him. If there was anything to serve yourself with like gravy he was straight on it, no care for whether there was enough for others. It always to my mind sent such a clear message of “you are there to serve my needs” and “I’m all right Jack.” I hated it. Everyone else had the manners to wait. Whenever I cooked for them I used to bring his plate out last.

Avocadoandcheese · 10/04/2023 22:03

I wait, unless it’s just dh and I and I’ve cooked. He always takes ages getting to the table and I don’t want to eat a cold meal.

CasperGutman · 10/04/2023 22:12

Whether at home or in a restaurant, I wait until everyone at the table has something to eat before I start.

There are exceptions, including....

At a banquet with long tables (think Hogwarts-style!) I would wait until everyone around me had been served but not others way down the other end of the table.

In a restaurant, if most people have been served but the kitchen has slipped up and someone's meal has ended up being delayed, then at their instigation I would start eating rather than wait while their whole meal is cooked/recooked.

bingbangbongding · 10/04/2023 22:14

We wait. Religiously. And my child is seriously told off if she dives in before everyone sits/all the food is put.

coodawoodashooda · 10/04/2023 22:22

AlexandraJJ · 10/04/2023 19:01

I wait unless the host instructs otherwise

This.

Hbh17 · 10/04/2023 22:24

Wait. Every time. Just rude to start eating before everyone is served and seated. A meal is a collective experience.

Curseofthenation · 10/04/2023 22:28

I always wait, even if the host says it's ok. It just feels rude and food isn't going to go cold in the time it takes to serve everything up.

That said, I wouldn't wait or expect people to wait at somewhere like Wagamama - where food just comes as it is ready.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/04/2023 22:30

Definitely wait. And the problem with people who start to eat as soon as their own dish arrives is that they are always the 1st to get a second helping, leaving nothing for anyone else.

I also hate people who eat really fast but that's for another thread.

Tactica · 10/04/2023 22:31

Hbh17 · 10/04/2023 22:24

Wait. Every time. Just rude to start eating before everyone is served and seated. A meal is a collective experience.

Yes, I agree with this.

My DC will usually remember to wait. As a host, I will also tell guests to begin eating, but there's often a slowish uptake on that, so people start to make the right moves, but are still sort of waiting for everyone to be seated.

It's all part of the unspoken little elements that make a civilised meal, imo.

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/04/2023 22:32

AlexandraJJ · 10/04/2023 19:01

I wait unless the host instructs otherwise

This

But if it was hot food and the host didn’t say do start, I’d say ‘ do you mind if we start so it doesn’t get cold’ and they would obviously say go ahead