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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP says I’m boring since having a baby

107 replies

babypanther · 10/04/2023 12:01

My DD is almost two months old, I had a c section and a difficult recovery but for the most part am back to normal physically now. I also had quite bad baby blues, I’m starting to feel better in this regard too, but I do quite often feel run down and overwhelmed as well as exhausted all the time. I love my DD more than anything and wouldn’t change it for the world but I admit I haven’t been myself.

My DP keeps making comments about me being boring now and no fun since we had the baby. Mostly this seems to be centered around us being “spontaneous”, whether it be us going out for a date night, going out for the day, or being intimate, when I point out we have to consider our DD now and we can’t just do our own thing at the last minute anymore, he says I’m so boring and I used to be fun. Even last night he was playing music on his phone quite loudly, I asked him to turn it down as DD was going down for her nap, he said he couldn’t do anything anymore and I was so boring now.

AIBU for not being as spontaneous? I just feel like my daughter is my first priority all the time. I know I should maybe be making time to be intimate etc, or for us to have spontaneous plans, but if I’m being honest I don’t Often have the energy for it.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 10/04/2023 14:53

What is he going to do to change the situation and make you feel more like being spontaneous?

Or is "being spontaneous" just another chore that you're supposed to add to your to do list?

DrManhattan · 10/04/2023 14:56

I'd be spontaneous by leaving him.

Oncetheystartschool · 10/04/2023 14:59

Tell him you'd be delighted for him to spontaneously organise a babysitter and book a table at a nice restaurant for you both. He sounds like he needs to grow up and realise his priorities have to change now he's a parent.

Aerosarethebest · 10/04/2023 15:00

For fuck’s sake. He wants you to be spontaneous with an 8 week old baby and a healing C-section.
If the child was 2 years old and you were refusing to ever consider a date night or something non child orientation then he might have a point. But 2months in he just has unrealistic expectations.
He needs to revise his vision of date nights and spontaneity to include him bring home a surprise fish and chips and you watching a film together with baby asleep in the Moses basket.
He can spend some time planning something fun to do this summer for the 3 of you. A little holiday or some nice day trips.
You can try things like taking your baby out for lunch at a pub or garden centre on a weekend lunch time. It’s easier when they’re tiny. Pram plus baby carrier and outside is good weather permitting because any noise is less problematic.

Rewis · 10/04/2023 15:01

But like what's his plan? He suggests a spontaneous date night and you say yes. Go to shower, get ready to leave and then what? Leave the baby alone until you come back? He will arrange a babysitter? He's happy to picka baby friendly place?

FiddleLeaf · 10/04/2023 15:01

No fun? You’ve literally had depression.

He lacks empathy and maturity.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 10/04/2023 15:01

Your two months in and he behaves like this?

Plays music loudly? Wtf

This will end badly I fear. Big chat required

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/04/2023 15:04

What the actual fuck?

OP he isnt your best friend, he isnt any kind of friend, calling you names when your baby is 8 weeks old and you had a major operation a few weeks ago.

Only a nasty manipulative person calls a new mother 'boring' for not dropping everything with no notice when they have a tiny baby.

Yes you do have to make time for each other, it's important to keep your identity as a couple, and do things on your own...but babies and young children are highly dependent and it's completely unrealistic to think that your life will continue in exactly the same way...because if it did, there is no point being a parent in the first place because youd be ignoring your baby and being a shit parent. Its important to keep things for yourselves but I'm sorry he needs to realise that most things, including social lives, fun, sex lives, time alone etc etc are put on hold, for quite a while, and only come back slowly when you have kids. It's totally normal.

And if he forces the issue - that's putting more pressure on you at a time when you need support. And that will probably be unforgivable, and distressing for you and the baby and what kind of 'best friend's wants their partner and baby to be miserable just to be able to go out on the spur of the moment?

TitoMojito · 10/04/2023 15:05

You can't be spontaneous with a two month old baby. Your lives need to be planned out now. What did he think having a baby was going to be like??

FlippyFloppyShoe · 10/04/2023 15:05

You have two babies

catchthedog · 10/04/2023 15:07

be very careful about the behaviour you are accepting from him now. if you are condoning this and saying he's a great dad etc whilst being like this, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of shit.

Sahlife · 10/04/2023 15:20

Is your DP a teenager?

Ihadenough22 · 10/04/2023 15:22

The reality is that you have just been pregnant and given birth by c section just 2 months ago.
Your hormonal, tired and recovering from this.

So your partner is acting like a spoilt child because he is no longer 1st always.

When you have a new born it is hard going and it takes a bit of time to get into a rew routine.
At the moment you have to work around the baby especially if your b. feeding.
You need to tell him that your just 2 months after having a baby and that life has changed so he needs to work with you re minding the baby, do house work ect and not be complaining about your current situation. Let him organise a nice lunch out and get the baby, baby bag ect ready and all 3 of you can go.

Scottishskifun · 10/04/2023 15:26

Your baby is still very very young, your "D"P is being an idiot at the very least.
It takes time to adjust to a baby both physically and mentally your baby isn't even 2 months old!
He is being completely and utterly unreasonable to think that you have a baby then just bounce back to old life!

Sit down and speak to him he is putting unreasonable expectations and pressure on you and its a complete dickish move regardless of how much you talked about things when pregnant. Giving you a bit of time and understanding is what he needs and to wise up!

mathanxiety · 10/04/2023 15:28

Your P is a first class pillock.

Tell him you find him deeply disappointing.

TheMossEnthusiast · 10/04/2023 15:28

Absolute fool - what did he think having a baby was going to be like?

Duckingella · 10/04/2023 15:31

Who the fuck has a spontaneous date night with kids under 13?;there's such a thing as organising childcare;also who expects sex when their partner just had abdominal surgery and would have only been medically cleared for vaginal sex only 2-3 weeks ago?

Did he even want a kid?;reading between the lines here I'm seeing a bloke who doesn't want this life to change because he's now a parent and wants his partner to himself.

Don't have anymore kids with this man.

Duckingella · 10/04/2023 15:34

Out of interest does he have a lot of single/childless mates?

Sapphire387 · 10/04/2023 15:44

I think he is suffering from the adjustment and the changes you have both had to make to your pre-baby lifestyle. But the biggest impact has been on you- not him- as you have had to carry and birth your baby. He sounds selfish and unrealistic - he certainly shouldn't be blaming you.

Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick · 10/04/2023 15:58

You can talk about this stuff all you like while you're pregnant, but nothing prepares you for the reality of having an actual baby.

You're making the adjustment, but he isn't. It's arguably a bit easier for the woman to do this, as she's the one who goes through pregnancy and birth - but what your partner is essentially doing is threatening you (although he doesn't mean to) with his talk about how you and he are going to "lose your spark".

If he wants to keep that spark, he needs to go about it more gently and try to see things a bit more from your perspective. I don't agree that he's a selfish arsehole, but you are both making a massive life adjustment at the moment and the main thing you both need to do is keep talking (not accusing, not criticising).

Beenalongwinter · 10/04/2023 16:15

I think I would rattle the carving knife at him like a sabre and suggest he might be boring if you used it to remove an item from his stomach that he has carried for 9 months and then stitched him up with a needle and thread.
Your DH is a nasty man child.

Daftasyoulike · 10/04/2023 16:20

I really can't understand why so many women come onto MN complaining about their DH/DP, then the minute everyone agrees with them, they say 'oh, he's wonderful really'. He's clearly not, otherwise they wouldn't go to the trouble of putting their concerns on the WWW, so get real OP, this man is NOT a wonderful DH or DF, and if you think he is, then why aren't you telling this 'best friend' of yours that he's making you bloody miserable?

mathanxiety · 10/04/2023 16:30

LOL @ 'the spark'.

He's talking about his dick.

ToWhitToWhoo · 10/04/2023 16:37

How often does he get up for the baby? Because I bet if it was his responsibility to settle her, he'd be more careful about playing loud music when she's asleep!

Justalittlebitduckling · 10/04/2023 17:00

Did he have no idea what having a baby would entail? He sounds immature.