Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP says I’m boring since having a baby

107 replies

babypanther · 10/04/2023 12:01

My DD is almost two months old, I had a c section and a difficult recovery but for the most part am back to normal physically now. I also had quite bad baby blues, I’m starting to feel better in this regard too, but I do quite often feel run down and overwhelmed as well as exhausted all the time. I love my DD more than anything and wouldn’t change it for the world but I admit I haven’t been myself.

My DP keeps making comments about me being boring now and no fun since we had the baby. Mostly this seems to be centered around us being “spontaneous”, whether it be us going out for a date night, going out for the day, or being intimate, when I point out we have to consider our DD now and we can’t just do our own thing at the last minute anymore, he says I’m so boring and I used to be fun. Even last night he was playing music on his phone quite loudly, I asked him to turn it down as DD was going down for her nap, he said he couldn’t do anything anymore and I was so boring now.

AIBU for not being as spontaneous? I just feel like my daughter is my first priority all the time. I know I should maybe be making time to be intimate etc, or for us to have spontaneous plans, but if I’m being honest I don’t Often have the energy for it.

OP posts:
CabbageKale · 10/04/2023 12:19

He sounds manipulative.

Botw1 · 10/04/2023 12:19

What is he doing to enable you to spend time as a couple?

FlounderingFruitcake · 10/04/2023 12:23

Playing loud music on his phone and getting stroppy when asked to turn it down - is he a teenager on the bus?! He sounds pathetically tragic. It also sounds like he’s blaming you for the inevitable lifestyle shift of having a baby which is so incredibly unfair I don’t even know where to start. What a horrible selfish man.

Cherrysoup · 10/04/2023 12:23

The reality of having a very young baby means any talk of spontaneity pre-birth is out of the window. It just isn’t practical. How does he expect you to be spontaneous when you need to organise childcare/work around feeding/naps? Have you even left the baby without you yet? He has very unrealistic expectations and needs to calm down.

Jagoda · 10/04/2023 12:26

He sounds ridiculously stupid.

Ask him for details about what spontaneous things you should be doing with a two month old baby, recovering from a caesarean.

Or is this really just him sulking about sex?

SkyandSurf · 10/04/2023 12:26

Jesus, I'm all for keeping the spark alive but he needs to adjust his expectations.

Your baby is two months old. This is brand new, you're still recovering from pregnancy and csection, you're sleep deprived and overwhelmed. It's not going to be like it was before.

He needs to talk to some other Dads and realise he's being ridiculous. He's not the priority right now, if he cares about your relationship and 'keeping the spark alive' then he should be supporting you and telling you how beautiful and fabulous you are- right now.

Because nothing will kill a woman's libido in the long term quite like the memories of her man being selfish and needy rather than supportive and helpful while she was in the trenches as a new mum.

JuneOsborne · 10/04/2023 12:27

What's he really saying? Not enough sex? Not enough, it's Saturday, let's go out to that pub we saw and have lunch? Not enough what??

One option is to go and get your makeup on, or whatever you do to get ready and appear at the door and say let's go. Will he get the baby ready? What would he actually do? Facilitate? Pack the baby's bag? Or is that he really just wants a blow job?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 10/04/2023 12:27

No, you have an 8 week old. Even if you have baby sitting available, is he going to come in from a late date night and do the night with DD or is he going to creep off to bed leaving you to it??

There is plenty of time for couple things once baby is a bit older and you have a familiar routine in place.

You say he's really good with DD - is that really good with her on his own and can parent her for a decent amount of time alone, or is it really good at giving cuddles, a feed etc with you around to facilitate.
Even changing a dirty nappy is easier when you have a second pair of hands to grab a clean vest you didn't realise needs changing, bag up the dirty nappy etc. if he's good at helping when you're around, he needs educating on parenting solo and seeing how tiring it can be thinking of everything.

Pencilsaremylife · 10/04/2023 12:27

What does he suggest you do with the baby while you are being all spontaneous? It’s easy to be super dad for what, a couple of weeks paternity leave and expect massive appreciation for “doing his bit” I’m really sorry he is letting you down so badly. Major abdominal surgery alone would take a quite a few weeks to get back to normal, never mind having carried a baby beforehand and now having a newborn to look after. Being spontaneous / making time for each other is this man speak for not getting as much sex as he would like? FFS it’s been less than 2 months tell him to get busy having spontaneous wanks and stop whining.

Vivi0 · 10/04/2023 12:27

I just want to say that DP is great with our DD, and while he was on paternity leave he really did do a lot for me and DD. He is fantastic with her and adores her.

I hate to be that person, but you said:

Even last night he was playing music on his phone quite loudly, I asked him to turn it down as DD was going down for her nap, he said he couldn’t do anything anymore and I was so boring now.

I’m sorry, but a grown ass adult who doesn’t understand why he needs to, or has a problem with, turning down loud music to allow his 2 month old baby to have a nap is not great or fantastic.

pippabg · 10/04/2023 12:28

babypanther · 10/04/2023 12:16

I just want to say that DP is great with our DD, and while he was on paternity leave he really did do a lot for me and DD. He is fantastic with her and adores her. It just seems like he expects me to be as fun and spontaneous as I was before we became parents. We are in our late twenties, and he keeps saying that we did agree to still make time for one another and not lose sight of us as a couple once we had our baby (which we did both talk about a lot during pregnancy), but I feel like I’m doing as much as I can and it doesn’t seem like enough.

I love him and he is my best friend, he has been a very loving and supportive partner throughout our relationship, but I just feel like at the moment he expects something from me that I’m struggling to give. I don’t want our relationship to suffer but when I’ve tried to explain to him that I think our current situation is normal, he said he feels like we’re going to lose our spark.

He's expecting far too much far too soon! You only had a baby two months ago! As she gets older, it would be nice to find time for each other, but it's near impossible in first few YEARS (never mind months!) He sounds awful. What a thing to say to a woman who's just had a baby. Sounds like you're doing a great job with your daughter, and don't take what he says to heart. He sounds clueless and selfish.

StopStartStop · 10/04/2023 12:29

He's a selfish git and not fit to be in a woman's life, or a child's. So, glad he's a P not an H. Ditch him.

You are hardly out of labour! For heaven's sake, what's wrong with the man? Oh, there it is, above. Yes, I'm right. He's not worth your time.

Carebearstartrek · 10/04/2023 12:33

Tell him to spontaneous combustion.

CwmYoy · 10/04/2023 12:33

He's jealous of your baby. Tell him to grow up.

slowquickstep · 10/04/2023 12:38

This won't get any better, throw him out

Deadringer · 10/04/2023 12:41

Everything has its time, and 2 months after having a baby is not the time for being spontaneous. The baby needs consistency and you need a routine during what is usually a very tiring and demanding time, and yes it is boring. This is a (relatively) very short time in your family life though. Your relationship will never be the same again as there are three of you now instead of two, but that doesn't mean that you won't have fun again, or a great sex life, that time will come. Your dh needs to cop onto himself. Yes its a massive culture shock when you beclme parents for the first time, but what did he expect? I agree with a pp, you should do something spontaneous, go and do something fun just for you, while he stays and does some of the boring stuff.

Deadringer · 10/04/2023 12:43

And next time he proposes something spontaneous, say god no thanks that sounds really boring.

squashyhat · 10/04/2023 12:47

I agree witt pps. Ask him what he's going to do to facilitate this 'spontenaiety'? It's not all down to you is it? A drink in a pub garden might be quite nice and relaxing for you - as long as he gets the baby ready, packs the changing bag and deals with her while you are out. Or just go without them.

Beaverbridge · 10/04/2023 12:51

Hes a selfish arsehole. You, re recovering from a major op having given birth. What is wrong with these characters?!.

ToWhitToWhoo · 10/04/2023 12:54

He is the one being U- of course one can't be spontaneous when one has a young baby!

He is acting more like a jealous older sibling than a father!

Hankunamatata · 10/04/2023 13:00

I think you need to sit down with him and have a talk about unrealistic expectations. Even better if his mum could do it. Get someone to explain the physical and mental toal of giving birth and recovery.

IncompleteSenten · 10/04/2023 13:00

He's having a fucking laugh.

You've just spent 9 months growing a person, had major abdominal surgery, are dealing with the massive rush of hormones that come after giving birth and you are now responsible for a tiny completely helpless human being while being sleep deprived and waiting for your body to heal the massive slit carved into your body.

And he is whining about fucking spontaneity?

With a baby?

And a stitched together tear across your bikini line?

Oh boo hoo my wife's world doesn't revolve around me right now. This is awful. However will I live like this. I simply assumed absolutely nothing would change when we had a baby.

He needs a spontaneous smack round the head is what he needs.

Turnipworkharder · 10/04/2023 13:01

Unless the music is rattling the windows let your child learn to sleep with a bit of noise .

If you fall in to the pattern of complete silence for a child's nap time....setting yourself up for great difficulty in the future.

As for the rest what does he expect, sex swinging from the chandelier, of course life changes after a baby.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 10/04/2023 13:02

You can promise whatever you want before a baby when it's your first. The reality will be very different.

What he basically wanted reassurance of was that he'd still be your number one priority and not the baby.

Life changes when you have a baby.

Pashazade · 10/04/2023 13:03

He needs to have more faith in you as a couple. A change of life, like a baby arriving doesn't mean your relationship will loose it's spark, but he needs to be prepared to change, life will never be the same, but this is a time of transition. Hopefully you can get through to him. Being parents can make you better partners not worse, but you have to communicate constantly. Good luck.