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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I just get over it?

60 replies

Mummymonkeysocks2012 · 09/04/2023 13:43

Don’t really know where to begin… my partner called me a “cunt” “fucking cunt” “nothing but a fucking cunt” multiple times the other day (I didn’t dry the dog properly after taking him for a walk). Also fired in that I’m a “lazy bitch” - I had been glued to the laptop for 14 hours working. I was so tired. It was a “no speakies” day so he hadn’t come near me the entire day.

It’s constantly “no speakies” - the latest over a conversation in which I’m not really sure what part of what I said validated the storm off. His dad was diagnosed with leukaemia about 2 years ago and had a bone marrow transplant five months ago. It had been successful but he got word to say that the leukaemia was back. My partner immediately jumped on to Google and was reading the worst. In our conversation I questioned what the consultant had said (no answers until next week). I said I thought he should go with his mum and dad to see the consultant (both in their 70s and I thought the support would be appreciated). This is where he went off in a huff. Maybe I wasn’t supportive enough in my approach. I just didn’t think jumping to “terminal” was useful but I do see that maybe in that moment he just needed an ear and not me being pragmatic.

His “no speakies” can last weeks. The last one lasted 26 days. I have a son (not his) - and my heart is breaking that he is witnessing this behaviour. What if he thinks it’s ok to treat women like this? I couldn’t live with myself.

I can’t just leave by the way. I stupidly bought a house with this man. A pretty big house in which I paid the pretty huge deposit. We spent a fortune renovating it and I’ve been advised by a solicitor that legally he is entitled to half of that huge deposit. We also wouldn’t get back what we have spent on the house, so I stand to lose a fortune - I’m completely trapped.

He used to call my mum the “cunt” - up until this fight, she was always the reason for him flying off the handle in the past. No matter what, she was always the root cause in his head. One of the “no speakies” was over her watering a plant she bought me - he had seen her do this in one of the 7 cameras he has positioned around the house. After this incident she was never allowed to step foot in the house again (that was six months ago) and she hasn’t. My mum is all I have - I’m an only child and it was just me and her growing up, so this breaks my heart but I still go and see her - and she understands - she doesn’t want to be around him anyway. None of my family do.

Sorry for the rant. Just feeling so alone and sad and so broke. Don’t even know what advice I’m looking for - I know I need to leave but I really can’t uproot my boy. He loves his new home.

OP posts:
missmollygreen · 09/04/2023 13:44

Well, someone sounds like a cunt... and its not you

Londongal123 · 09/04/2023 13:47

Does your son love his new home really?

You are sacrificing your and his mental health for money.

If I were you I’d start making my exit plan or you run the risk of not having a relationship with your son when he’s an adult and being stuck with an abusive prick. But you’ll have the nice house.

DeadbeatYoda · 09/04/2023 13:48

What on earth are you doing with this man? Why would you invest everything you have into tying yourself up with someone like this? There's no point telling you he is abusive, you knew that and still bought a house with him.
You're dead right to worry about what seeing his mum accept being treated this way will do to your son's perception of relationships. So, what will you do? How much is your son's well-being worth to you? Not as much as you stand to lose if you sell the house?

annonymousse · 09/04/2023 13:49

If you are not married how is he entitled to half of the deposit you paid? You refer to him as partner rather than husband so I could be barking up the wrong tree. You sound so beaten down and hopeless. I just wanted to reach out.

Quartz2208 · 09/04/2023 13:50

You have to get out and sell it it doesn’t matter what you lose, can you move in with your mum when the house gets sold

MojoMoon · 09/04/2023 13:52

You aren't married?

Get some other legal advice.
Leave. Your son will be better off in a small flat than a big house with this abusive man

pinksheetss · 09/04/2023 13:52

'No speakies'
What on earth is that? 26 days of not talking?! Does he just wander round the house and ignore you?
That's a form of abuse and absolutely you should do what you can to not let your son witness this

Are you married?

CleaningOutMyCloset · 09/04/2023 13:54

How long have you been married?

Tbh I'd forfeit the money to leave him. Money can be earnt back and saved, time can't. You are showing your dc what a relationship looks like, do you want them to think it's a healthy relationship? Would you be happy if your dc was called a count, or they called their partners a cunt? Your relationship with this horrid man, is the blueprint your dc will use for future relationships

CleaningOutMyCloset · 09/04/2023 13:54

Sorry just seen he's your partner and you're not married.

youshouldnthaveasked · 09/04/2023 13:54

Oh gosh, that is mental abuse. He has alienated your only person you have apart from your son.

Has he always been like this?

the ‘no speakies’ whatever that is sounds insane.

TedMullins · 09/04/2023 13:55

It’s worth losing the money to get out of this horrific “relationship”. Do you want your son growing up with this as a model of how to be a partner/that being treated this way is acceptable?

Swannning · 09/04/2023 14:00

If he is a partner rather than husband then you might be able to reclaim some of the deposit when you sell depending on what arrangements were made at the time of the purchase - IANAL though.

Did you buy as tenants in common or joint tenants? I hope it was TIC as otherwise if anything happens to you the house goes to him rather than your child.

Get rid and sell up, your son will be so much happier in a small house with you than the big house with a horrible abusive man

Original poster
Mummymonkeysocks2012 · 09/04/2023 14:02

I know… it was the most stupid move I’ve ever made in my life. I genuinely believed it would have made him happy. All the arguments in the past had been around the fact that we had all been living in “my home” and so he wanted “our” home. When in reality all the arguments stemmed from the fact he couldn’t keep my mum out when it was just “my” home….

I know you’re right. You absolutely are. Believe it or not my son adores him. He lost his dad several years ago to COVID and I just feel like I would be making him lose another dad all over again. I know that’s stupid. I do.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 09/04/2023 14:04

annonymousse · 09/04/2023 13:49

If you are not married how is he entitled to half of the deposit you paid? You refer to him as partner rather than husband so I could be barking up the wrong tree. You sound so beaten down and hopeless. I just wanted to reach out.

If there was no deed of trust set up when they bought the house and it is simply in their combined names, then he owns half of it.

Original poster
Mummymonkeysocks2012 · 09/04/2023 14:04

It’s a joint mortgage but I put down the whole deposit. I’ve sought legal advice and they have told me that because it’s a joint mortgage and no paperwork was drafted (despite solicitor being fully aware of where funds came from) he is entitled to 50% of the equity

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummymonkeysocks2012 · 09/04/2023 14:08

We have been together nearly 7 years and he was never ever ever like this for first 3-4 years (although there were a few serious red flags when I really think back). He left me and my son the night before my sons dads funeral. He left for four days and I had to beg for him to come back as my sons heart was breaking. I know now that was when I should have closed the door on him. His abuse before was always around my mum. He was controlling I knew in my heart but I went along with it. But now it’s just becoming a daily occurrence. I say / do the wrong thing and he just goes into “no speakies” and for the first few days I love it. I actually love it. It’s peace and quiet and then it just starts gnawing at me and I end up reaching out to him. Even now, despite him calling me the cunt etc - in his head I’m the one that’s in the wrong. He will never ever apologise.

OP posts:
B0g · 09/04/2023 14:08

Your son does not ‘adore’ the abuser. He’ll be learning appeasement, walking on eggshells, feeling he has to protect you from this boyfriend. Soon, his anger will come, at being made to endure an abusive house. Do you know the lifelong impact of childhood trauma? How it impacts a developing brain? That should be your focus, disregard the boyfriend, make plans to get your poor kid away from him.

Aprilx · 09/04/2023 14:09

Mummymonkeysocks2012 · 09/04/2023 14:04

It’s a joint mortgage but I put down the whole deposit. I’ve sought legal advice and they have told me that because it’s a joint mortgage and no paperwork was drafted (despite solicitor being fully aware of where funds came from) he is entitled to 50% of the equity

The mortgage is irrelevant, a mortgage and a house are two separate things.

What matters is how the house ownership has been reflected. You could have a joint mortgage but still ring fence your house deposit with a deed of trust, it sounds like you didn’t and the house ownership was recorded as being in equal shares.

The relationship sounds awful and abusive, I would take the financial hit just to get out of it.

Original poster
Mummymonkeysocks2012 · 09/04/2023 14:10

No not married. Been together nearly 7 years…

sorry “no speakies” is what I’ve come to call the silent treatment. He will just walk around like I don’t exist. Doesn’t acknowledge me. To be fair I don’t try to speak to him either. It’s toxic. I’m as bad as him when it comes to it now.

OP posts:
maddening · 09/04/2023 14:10

A - you aren't married

B - do you have evidence of what each has paid in to the house?

C - is this only since 2020 if ds' Dad died of covid? If it is a relatively recent move would you not have a better chance of arguing in court for your deposit back?

Supernova23 · 09/04/2023 14:11

So he calls you a cunt, calls your mum a cunt, and doesn't speak to you for weeks at a time. He sounds mental as well as abusive. Why don't you get rid of this vile excuse of a man?

YoBeaches · 09/04/2023 14:12

Do you have evidence that you paid the ful deposit? If so, get a new solicitor to start with. The first position is that you get back your deposit the. The rest is split 50/50 assuming he is paying 50% of the mortgage.

Yours posts are unbearable to read. Pull yourself together and get out of this mess. the damage to you, your son and your family will take its toll.

Even if you do loose the money, it's a smaller price to pay for your freedom from abuse.

beachruns · 09/04/2023 14:16

Urgh. What a horrible man.

this sounds like a sunk cost fallacy though. I’m not being flippant about the money but what’s the end game?

he’s not going to change or improve so what - this is your life now? And your son.

ClarabelleRose · 09/04/2023 14:21

Monkey, you wouldn’t be making your son lose another dad, you would be keeping him - and you - safe from this awful man. There might well be some upset in the transition, but that will be a hell of a lot less traumatic than staying in this abusive relationship. by staying with someone so awful you’re also stopping a happier future with someone lovely.

Go & get legal advice just as soon as you can. Once you have an understanding of what the financial impact of separating will be, you will be able to see where you stand and what you can do. I think he’s probably been incredibly coercive and financially controlling by effectively forcing the move - and making sure everything is in joint names. It feels premeditated and manipulative.

Good luck. If you’re widowed, you might find some support in widowed groups - message me if you’d like me to send you details.

Grapefruit98 · 09/04/2023 14:32

Patio.

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