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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I just get over it?

60 replies

Mummymonkeysocks2012 · 09/04/2023 13:43

Don’t really know where to begin… my partner called me a “cunt” “fucking cunt” “nothing but a fucking cunt” multiple times the other day (I didn’t dry the dog properly after taking him for a walk). Also fired in that I’m a “lazy bitch” - I had been glued to the laptop for 14 hours working. I was so tired. It was a “no speakies” day so he hadn’t come near me the entire day.

It’s constantly “no speakies” - the latest over a conversation in which I’m not really sure what part of what I said validated the storm off. His dad was diagnosed with leukaemia about 2 years ago and had a bone marrow transplant five months ago. It had been successful but he got word to say that the leukaemia was back. My partner immediately jumped on to Google and was reading the worst. In our conversation I questioned what the consultant had said (no answers until next week). I said I thought he should go with his mum and dad to see the consultant (both in their 70s and I thought the support would be appreciated). This is where he went off in a huff. Maybe I wasn’t supportive enough in my approach. I just didn’t think jumping to “terminal” was useful but I do see that maybe in that moment he just needed an ear and not me being pragmatic.

His “no speakies” can last weeks. The last one lasted 26 days. I have a son (not his) - and my heart is breaking that he is witnessing this behaviour. What if he thinks it’s ok to treat women like this? I couldn’t live with myself.

I can’t just leave by the way. I stupidly bought a house with this man. A pretty big house in which I paid the pretty huge deposit. We spent a fortune renovating it and I’ve been advised by a solicitor that legally he is entitled to half of that huge deposit. We also wouldn’t get back what we have spent on the house, so I stand to lose a fortune - I’m completely trapped.

He used to call my mum the “cunt” - up until this fight, she was always the reason for him flying off the handle in the past. No matter what, she was always the root cause in his head. One of the “no speakies” was over her watering a plant she bought me - he had seen her do this in one of the 7 cameras he has positioned around the house. After this incident she was never allowed to step foot in the house again (that was six months ago) and she hasn’t. My mum is all I have - I’m an only child and it was just me and her growing up, so this breaks my heart but I still go and see her - and she understands - she doesn’t want to be around him anyway. None of my family do.

Sorry for the rant. Just feeling so alone and sad and so broke. Don’t even know what advice I’m looking for - I know I need to leave but I really can’t uproot my boy. He loves his new home.

OP posts:
Mumsgirls · 09/04/2023 14:35

My Mum would not speak to Dad for 6 weeks at a time several times a year. We kids were in the middle walking on eggshells, dreading going home from school. Looking back it caused so much damage. Please do not subject your child to this cruelty, no money is worth that, but a good lawyer may be able to help you.

Rollerpiggy · 09/04/2023 14:36

You need to leave. No negotiation and monetary ties would keep me with this abuser. You are letting your son see this behaviour - you need to leave him. You can leave, it will be hard but life as you have it now is nasty.

Redebs · 09/04/2023 14:41

You have to get out.
Never mind the money you might lose; your son, your health and your sanity are worth more.

I would suggest that a group of us Mumsnetters get together secretly and bump him off for you, but I'm sure it's against site t&cs 🤔

Thebigblueballoon · 09/04/2023 14:42

“No speakies”?! Does he actually use this phrase?! This is utterly bizarre and very, very toxic and abusive. It’s affecting your health and you’re doing your son a disservice by staying with this man. There’s a good chance he could follow his lead and carry this behaviour forward. I feel for you regarding your lovely house and can understand why you feel trapped. If - and this is a big if - you feel you could try the counselling step first, you should do this asap. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he was not receptive to that.

DeadbeatYoda · 09/04/2023 14:44

Mummymonkeysocks2012 · 09/04/2023 14:08

We have been together nearly 7 years and he was never ever ever like this for first 3-4 years (although there were a few serious red flags when I really think back). He left me and my son the night before my sons dads funeral. He left for four days and I had to beg for him to come back as my sons heart was breaking. I know now that was when I should have closed the door on him. His abuse before was always around my mum. He was controlling I knew in my heart but I went along with it. But now it’s just becoming a daily occurrence. I say / do the wrong thing and he just goes into “no speakies” and for the first few days I love it. I actually love it. It’s peace and quiet and then it just starts gnawing at me and I end up reaching out to him. Even now, despite him calling me the cunt etc - in his head I’m the one that’s in the wrong. He will never ever apologise.

Why are you infantilising his abusive behaviour with terms like 'no speakies'? He isn't a toddler, he is a grown man,

Sparklfairy · 09/04/2023 14:47

DeadbeatYoda · 09/04/2023 14:44

Why are you infantilising his abusive behaviour with terms like 'no speakies'? He isn't a toddler, he is a grown man,

Show quote history

This. The silent treatment is abusive. And you need to call it exactly that.

You make it sound like you're talking about a naughty dog Confused

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 09/04/2023 14:51

Just lawyer up OP. I feel sorry for our son. Youve invited this upon yourself. Stop thinking of money and leave. put the hous eup for sale and ge a good lawyer. Youll have to pay for it. Say with your mum, recover, raheal and sort yourself and live a life you enjoy. f

musicforthesoul · 09/04/2023 14:54

YABU not to leave. No amount of money is worth that. You may stand to lose a lot but if half that deposit got a massive house then even if worst case happens then you should still be able to get somewhere for you and your son. I guarantee he does not love living in the environment that's being created right now by your partner.

Get a good lawyer and it may not be as bad as you think.

CheersForThatEh · 09/04/2023 14:56

No speakies 🤢

Get a solicitor. You're not trapped you just need to work out how much it will cost you to start over.

Halfull · 09/04/2023 15:00

Serious question OP, if someone had offered you a shed load of money to live with a bizarre, non-speaking bully that called you a cunt all the time before you met this colossal arsehole, would you have taken it? If the answer is no (and it should be), you know what you’ve got to do. Do it today. Not another 24 hours should pass without you kicking him out or leaving him to it, no way should you be under the same roof for another night.

KalimbaMoon · 09/04/2023 15:19

Get out of there as fast as you can. He doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t deserve you.

Skybluepinky · 09/04/2023 15:26

Health b4 wealth, sell up and get rid of him, not worth ruining yrs and yr child’s mental health. No good living in a big house if u both end up ill.

FictionalCharacter · 09/04/2023 15:33

WAKE UP. Stop using childish language to describe his silent treatment, making it sound less bad than it is. Stop persuading yourself that your son adores him. It’s terrible for him to witness this and as a PP said, he’s probably just learning to appease this abusive man to avoid consequences of angering him. His “new dad” is an abuser and he’ll be better off away from him.

Have you posted before about the cameras all over the house? You must realise how abnormal that is.

Unless you really want this to be your life and your son’s life you have to take the financial hit and get away from him, as soon as you can and in any way you can even if you have to move in with friends and family.

Meggymoo777 · 09/04/2023 16:18

I left my sons father because he was incapable of having a discussion and would just not talk to me for days/weeks on end... it had been nearly 6 weeks the last time and I packed my bags and left. He seemed shocked 🙄 It was the best decision I ever made in my whole life. I know it can be hard to see it when you're in it... but your son is living with this too and, for him, you need to leave.

Meggymoo777 · 09/04/2023 16:21

And what is with the security cameras in the house? Did you agree to this?

Mendholeai · 09/04/2023 16:23

He’s abusive. Ignore him back, do not tolerate his bs. Plan your escape

diddl · 09/04/2023 16:28

You have to cut your losses & get out of there.

Could your Mum take you in for a time?

Lolasgame · 09/04/2023 16:30

Your poor mum and son (when he’s old enough to realise what his childhood was) Leave this horrible monster, just because it’s not physical doesn’t mean it’s not abuse.

Username84 · 09/04/2023 16:30

Would you have an angle for coercive behaviour forcing the shared house when it comes to deposit splitting? Obviously still leave but might be worth involving the police too so it's on his record.

WTFactuallyjusthappened · 09/04/2023 18:02

OP this is 100% abuse. I left an emotionally abusive marriage many years ago and went against my solicitor's advice at the time, taking all the marital debt with me in order to get a quick divorce. My attitude was "it's only money". It took me 10 years to get out of debt and back on my feet and to a point where my son and I were financially comfortable. I won't pretend that it hasn't been hard but whenever I feel stressed or lonely I think back to that emotional abuse and realise that it was worth every moment of the struggle to get my son out of that environment. I wish you luck but you (and your son) deserve better than that treatment.

Justdontbejudgy · 09/04/2023 20:09

This sounds awful.
My advice would be take the financial hit and go. Money is not the be all and end all, especially when you need to escape this kind of abusive behaviour. As you've also highlighted this is not healthy for your son either. This may influence his behaviour for his future relationships too, if you continue to tolerate this.

It is not the easy choice, but it's the best thing for you both. This man will not change and things will probably just become worse. I wish there was an easier and less costly way to fix things for you (I'd seek a 2nd legal opinion on the deposit part just incase) and your son, but there really isn't a price for an emotionally healthy environment. I wish you all the very best.

Issania87 · 09/04/2023 20:19

I'm sorry but this is an abusive relationship and you should leave as soon as you are able. It is not a healthy environment to raise your son is. Take whatever money you can get back, loss or not, and start a new life with your son.

SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 09/04/2023 20:21

Londongal123 · 09/04/2023 13:47

Does your son love his new home really?

You are sacrificing your and his mental health for money.

If I were you I’d start making my exit plan or you run the risk of not having a relationship with your son when he’s an adult and being stuck with an abusive prick. But you’ll have the nice house.

this

Zimzimmaa · 09/04/2023 20:38

YADBU for staying.

Hankunamatata · 09/04/2023 20:45

Seek specialised legal advice if deed of trust can be retrospectively done

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