Should I just get over it?

[Mummymonkeysocks2012]

Don’t really know where to begin… my partner called me a “cunt” “fucking cunt” “nothing but a fucking cunt” multiple times the other day (I didn’t dry the dog properly after taking him for a walk). Also fired in that I’m a “lazy bitch” - I had been glued to the laptop for 14 hours working. I was so tired. It was a “no speakies” day so he hadn’t come near me the entire day.

It’s constantly “no speakies” - the latest over a conversation in which I’m not really sure what part of what I said validated the storm off. His dad was diagnosed with leukaemia about 2 years ago and had a bone marrow transplant five months ago. It had been successful but he got word to say that the leukaemia was back. My partner immediately jumped on to Google and was reading the worst. In our conversation I questioned what the consultant had said (no answers until next week). I said I thought he should go with his mum and dad to see the consultant (both in their 70s and I thought the support would be appreciated). This is where he went off in a huff. Maybe I wasn’t supportive enough in my approach. I just didn’t think jumping to “terminal” was useful but I do see that maybe in that moment he just needed an ear and not me being pragmatic.

His “no speakies” can last weeks. The last one lasted 26 days. I have a son (not his) - and my heart is breaking that he is witnessing this behaviour. What if he thinks it’s ok to treat women like this? I couldn’t live with myself.

I can’t just leave by the way. I stupidly bought a house with this man. A pretty big house in which I paid the pretty huge deposit. We spent a fortune renovating it and I’ve been advised by a solicitor that legally he is entitled to half of that huge deposit. We also wouldn’t get back what we have spent on the house, so I stand to lose a fortune - I’m completely trapped.

He used to call my mum the “cunt” - up until this fight, she was always the reason for him flying off the handle in the past. No matter what, she was always the root cause in his head. One of the “no speakies” was over her watering a plant she bought me - he had seen her do this in one of the 7 cameras he has positioned around the house. After this incident she was never allowed to step foot in the house again (that was six months ago) and she hasn’t. My mum is all I have - I’m an only child and it was just me and her growing up, so this breaks my heart but I still go and see her - and she understands - she doesn’t want to be around him anyway. None of my family do.

Sorry for the rant. Just feeling so alone and sad and so broke. Don’t even know what advice I’m looking for - I know I need to leave but I really can’t uproot my boy. He loves his new home.

7 cameras? ‘No speakies’?

If someone can write all that down in a coherent mn post, then they must have the wherewithal to see that it is horrific for a grown adult to live with, let alone a child.

Please see a solicitor op and get yourself prepared to leave. This man is dangerous and weird. He’s already trying to cut you off from your mother. Too bad about your nice house and the deposit. Your freedom and your son’s well-being matters more.

Do you have proof that you paid the deposit?

please get yourself a good lawyer and leave him, this is damaging your mental health and confidence and I’m sure your child has noticed this happening too. I’d be devastated if my child thought this is how women should be treated.

But just my thoughts - your son is living in an abusive home with a man who abuses his mum.

You say you can't leave this man, but also say this:

I have a son (not his) - and my heart is breaking that he is witnessing this behaviour. What if he thinks it’s ok to treat women like this? I couldn’t live with myself.

You have to leave. You are exposing your own child to a dangerous, abusive, toxic environment and teaching him that is normal.

He's alienated you, and therefore your son, from your whole family. He's made you financially vulnerable. He's exposed your child to abuse and in staying, unfortunately you have done so too.

I don't say this to make you feel bad, I say it to try to get through to you the fact that if you genuinely want to put your son first then staying with this man isn't even an option.

Call women's aid asap. Ask for their advice on how to remove yourself from this situation safely, they can advise next steps. And when you have done that, call your mum. She will be thrilled you are going to remove yourself and her little grandson from the orbit of this monster.

How much £ would you be prepared to lose to protect your son from an abuser?

Just go to court or do whatever you have to so you can fight for your money back but ultimately I’d rather rent a smaller house on my own than live with this man. You need to put your son first.

Honestly there is no money worth living like this. Just look on it like an investment that went wrong. Get out as much money as you can and start again. Life will be better xx

Yeah I left a very dull non abusive marriage with a shit tonne of debt but it was totally worth it. Honestly. What a miserable existence to carry on.

How have you lived with this vile, abusive controlling man fir 7 years when you have a child witnessing it every day. You are trapped in this relationship, by you own excuses.Stop making them and sort yourself out. You call it ‘no speakies’ and don’t seem to understand that you are minimising the damage of this sort of behaviour. Your son doesn’t love this man- don’t be stupid- how could he.
You’ve lost the contact and support from you mother, most of you money to a deposit with a psycho who put 7 cameras in your house…to watch what?? And banned your mum for watering a plant she gave you.
WAKE THE FUCKING FUCK UP.

Let's call the money you could potentially lose by leaving your partner "X".

If, in say 20 years, your son told you you weren't welcome in his house and he would only be able to see you when he could sneak out, because his partner hated you and called you "The cunt", would you pay X amount of money to help him leave?

If, in say 20 years your son phoned you in tears because his partner was watching him 24/7 via 7 video cameras set up around the home, would you pay X to help him leave?

If, in say 20 years, your son told you his partner was calling him a "cunt" and a "lazy bastard" because he hadn't dried the dog to his partner's liking, would you pay X to help him leave?

If your son was scared, abused and isolated by his partner, wouldn't you do anything to get him out of there?

By you staying, your son is only learning that it is okay to accept being treated this way by your partner. He will be more likely to accept being treated the same way in the future. I'm hopeful that some PP's are correct and that if you are able to prove that you paid most of the deposit, all will not be lost, but even if it is, I'd far prefer to take a financial hit, than one to my child.

OP I hope that the scales are falling from your eyes now and you can start to plan a way out of this. As a bare minimum, you need to protect your (reduced) share of the house and switch to Tenants in Common immediately - the form is available online, it is straightforward and no charge:
https://www.gov.uk/joint-property-ownership/change-from-joint-tenants-to-tenants-in-common

and then make sure that you have written a will - this will protect your son's interest in your house.

Then get out or get him out and fight for a greater share of the proceeds of the sale - the solicitor who handled the purchase of your house will have a record of where the funds for the deposit came from as part of their anti-money laundering checks (I'm working on the basis that the purchase was in the last few years as you said that you have been together 7 years).