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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you tell family members you are expecting?

73 replies

MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 11:00

I’ll keep this as brief as I can

im married to such a lovely man and we live away from his family cos of my husbands job. I have no family. They never bother with him. Can go for weeks and weeks and not make any contact. Last year his mother didn’t text or call him for almost 6 months yet he hears that she and his dad are off on Holiday with his brother and doing other activities etc. while he’s happy and content in his life that sort of behaviour does hurt but that’s down to them….

He always made an effort to contact them, I’d encourage him sometimes by saying put your feelings to one side, be the bigger person life’s too short, but after a while he just got sick of it. All relationships require both parties to put 50% effort in. He saw his parents twice last year and his mother once the year before. During the Xmas meal last year all his mother could moan on about was how nice it would be if we were all together aka the younger brother wasn’t there! I pointed out it was his choice to see a friend and she see’s him 365 days of the year!

we’ve been together almost 13 years and are planning on trying for a baby soon. Haven’t been able to have one due to my health. His mother is very baby orientated aka controlling! She told me from day one her name would be “mama”
not Grandma. I just thought yeah right. Haha

my thinking is, if you can’t be bothered with us and can go nearly half a year and make absolutely zero contact, if and when they happy time comes do they deserve what I’d always had planned in my head which would be a card with a photo of the first scan or should we send them a picture on WhatsApp for example after the baby is born to shock them into realising that their behaviour is disgusting. Basically if and when his dad calls for his duty 5 minutes every 3 months during the pregnancy should we keep our mouths shut then really surprise them! Lol

we all know we aren’t close. It’s the elephant in the room so to speak. I really have tried to make an effort with his family over the years, especially his mother.

they have 2 sons not one and never bother with my husband. He’s not a bad person, he’s never been in trouble with the law, always worked, he’s just lovely. I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t you treat them both equally?

they are all into flashy watches, posh cars and showing off. My husband is nothing like them

what do you all think and what would you do ?

OP posts:
EmilyGilmoresSass · 09/04/2023 11:02

Send them a picture on WhatsApp after the baby is born to show them their behaviour really is disgusting?

To be honest, on that alone, I don't think yours is much better. What a bizarre post.

TrueScrumptious · 09/04/2023 11:06

Well, you actually don’t sound very nice either, so… Just do as you like. There’s clearly no love lost.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2023 11:06

You dont need to make a decision about that yet. Wait till younp are actually pregnant then decide whether or not to tell them.

OrigamiOwls · 09/04/2023 11:13

I'm not sure they would get the message you are trying to project

Nanny0gg · 09/04/2023 11:23

I'd go NC altogether really.

adultdds · 09/04/2023 11:28

I'd wait until you are pregnant but not telling them at all is pretty low.

Feetupteashot · 09/04/2023 11:42

Tell them when you tell everyone else, no need to be petty

Singleandproud · 09/04/2023 11:52

Getting worked up about how to tell your in laws about a pregnancy and birth that hasn't even happened yet is quite bizarre. Unless you got together quite young if you have been together 13 years and have had health problems you must be pushing the upper limit for fertility, is that why you are fixating on this instead?

It's quite possible that they felt hurt about him leaving that area for work and wanted a close knit family as the sons grew up if there is nothing else amiss and no previous abusive or toxic behavior and soon enough out of sight = out of mind.

phoenixrosehere · 09/04/2023 12:07

When the time comes, it depends on what you and your DH agree with. If you and your DH don’t want to tell them then don’t. If you do before a baby is born, then do.

No lesson will be learned and no point in trying to make one. Leave them to do what they choose and you and your DH do what you choose.

UndercoverCop · 09/04/2023 12:10

You're weaponising a child who hasn't even been conceived yet.
You would tell them in your normal course of communication. If your husband wants to he can call or message them additionally to let them know.

Dontbelieveaword · 09/04/2023 12:12

Your time might be better spend learning what aka means

IfsAndAnds · 09/04/2023 12:17

I actually wish we had done this. My in-laws weren’t interested in us either but controlling with peoples babies. I think they didn’t bother with us because we didn’t have DC at the time. We told them at the start. They weren’t interested in the pregnancy even though we had some scares, and were only interested in the baby - but in a way that they treated my baby like a doll that was there for their entertainment. They spent more time with us, but it was about what they were getting out of it rather than my baby. Once my baby went passed the cute baby stages, they went back to uninterested and hardly bothering.

Kic · 09/04/2023 12:27

Wait until the pregnancy happens before you make any big decisions.

I wouldn't set too much store on your MIL being interested in any future grandchildren though. My own mother was a lot like her - apparently couldn't wait to be a grandma, and had picked out the name she wanted her grandchildren to call her. Once the initial baby photos were over with, she lost all interest. She genuinely wouldn't recognise my children if she saw them in the street, and we live in the same town.

If I were starting out now, I would go with sending the same news or photos that you would send to any other family member but don't have any expectations that your in-laws will care all that much.

Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:40

Haha thank you :)

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:41

Thank you :) smartest reply so far

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Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:43

Great advice thank you :-)

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BabaBooPuffinsRock · 09/04/2023 12:44

There are no winners here. Making some sort of passive aggressive what's app dig isn't going to make them go "oh shit we see we've been utterly thoughtless and now understand the error of our ways we will change immediately".

Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:46

Thank you for seeing it from a clearer and more logic understand instead of jumping on the bitchy bandwagon like some do! lol and you’re right, they will probably love the baby stage and lose all interest!

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Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:46

You’re right, Narcissists don’t see it from our point of view

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Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:47

Thank you Kic- great comment I really appreciate that!

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Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:47

Oh, and why is that?

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Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:48

Weaponising? Please elaborate

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Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:49

And why is that?

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LlynTegid · 09/04/2023 12:49

I'd be waiting until at least 12 weeks before I told anyone, even my own parents.

Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:50

They weren’t hurt they were controlling as it ruined their 2 point 4 children fake image as he left the area he grew up in and started his own life which was HIS choice. But as always the spouse gets the blame

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