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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you tell family members you are expecting?

73 replies

MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 11:00

I’ll keep this as brief as I can

im married to such a lovely man and we live away from his family cos of my husbands job. I have no family. They never bother with him. Can go for weeks and weeks and not make any contact. Last year his mother didn’t text or call him for almost 6 months yet he hears that she and his dad are off on Holiday with his brother and doing other activities etc. while he’s happy and content in his life that sort of behaviour does hurt but that’s down to them….

He always made an effort to contact them, I’d encourage him sometimes by saying put your feelings to one side, be the bigger person life’s too short, but after a while he just got sick of it. All relationships require both parties to put 50% effort in. He saw his parents twice last year and his mother once the year before. During the Xmas meal last year all his mother could moan on about was how nice it would be if we were all together aka the younger brother wasn’t there! I pointed out it was his choice to see a friend and she see’s him 365 days of the year!

we’ve been together almost 13 years and are planning on trying for a baby soon. Haven’t been able to have one due to my health. His mother is very baby orientated aka controlling! She told me from day one her name would be “mama”
not Grandma. I just thought yeah right. Haha

my thinking is, if you can’t be bothered with us and can go nearly half a year and make absolutely zero contact, if and when they happy time comes do they deserve what I’d always had planned in my head which would be a card with a photo of the first scan or should we send them a picture on WhatsApp for example after the baby is born to shock them into realising that their behaviour is disgusting. Basically if and when his dad calls for his duty 5 minutes every 3 months during the pregnancy should we keep our mouths shut then really surprise them! Lol

we all know we aren’t close. It’s the elephant in the room so to speak. I really have tried to make an effort with his family over the years, especially his mother.

they have 2 sons not one and never bother with my husband. He’s not a bad person, he’s never been in trouble with the law, always worked, he’s just lovely. I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t you treat them both equally?

they are all into flashy watches, posh cars and showing off. My husband is nothing like them

what do you all think and what would you do ?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:15

Kic · 09/04/2023 12:27

Wait until the pregnancy happens before you make any big decisions.

I wouldn't set too much store on your MIL being interested in any future grandchildren though. My own mother was a lot like her - apparently couldn't wait to be a grandma, and had picked out the name she wanted her grandchildren to call her. Once the initial baby photos were over with, she lost all interest. She genuinely wouldn't recognise my children if she saw them in the street, and we live in the same town.

If I were starting out now, I would go with sending the same news or photos that you would send to any other family member but don't have any expectations that your in-laws will care all that much.

I did actually respond to you but i appeared to click wrong lol thank you :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:16

Feetupteashot · 09/04/2023 11:42

Tell them when you tell everyone else, no need to be petty

So when he or she is born, fantastic- great advice!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:17

a.k.a ?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:19

IfsAndAnds · 09/04/2023 12:17

I actually wish we had done this. My in-laws weren’t interested in us either but controlling with peoples babies. I think they didn’t bother with us because we didn’t have DC at the time. We told them at the start. They weren’t interested in the pregnancy even though we had some scares, and were only interested in the baby - but in a way that they treated my baby like a doll that was there for their entertainment. They spent more time with us, but it was about what they were getting out of it rather than my baby. Once my baby went passed the cute baby stages, they went back to uninterested and hardly bothering.

Hi. I did respond back to you and another person. Thank you for a mature and well grounded comment! You can see where I’m coming from and that not all of us having “normal”families lol

OP posts:
EmilyGilmoresSass · 09/04/2023 13:19

Going by the way you're carrying on, I'd not half be surprised if you're the reason they barely speak to their son.

WheelsUp · 09/04/2023 13:21

what I’d always had planned in my head which would be a card with a photo of the first scan or should we send them a picture on WhatsApp for example after the baby is born to shock them into realising that their behaviour is disgusting.

This bit is delusional. Why would they suddenly realise that their behaviour is disgusting? They are clearly happy with the way things are because your h is very different to them so a polite but distant relationship suits them fine.

I understand why you want them to like you but why would you drag an innocent child into this dysfunction? What do they gain by learning that they (and their father) are not loved as much as their uncle and any child he has in future? You are weaponising a child in the hope that they become the ILs that you want. Why do you think that they are they going to change ? If MIL is baby mad then she will clearly be calling up demanding that baby is dropped off or stays with her overnight rather than want to spend time with you and your h.

Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:21

EmilyGilmoresSass · 09/04/2023 13:19

Going by the way you're carrying on, I'd not half be surprised if you're the reason they barely speak to their son.

Typical. Blame the spouse

OP posts:
WheelsUp · 09/04/2023 13:22

If they are the showy types then interest in your child will purely be for social media clout. Having a baby will not mend the relationship

octoberfarm · 09/04/2023 13:23

So basically, our plan was because we live away from family, to have a hopefully quiet pregnancy, I’ve been ill lately so hopefully that won’t get in the way…not to tell anyone then once he or she is here announce it on my husbands social media. If they guilt trip us we can say well we did that with everyone. For example we didn’t marry the way they thought he would we did it our way which I believe made us stronger as a unit. So if we just causally say well we hardly ever see or speak to you, this is everyone found out his mother can’t fake cry and his dad can’t pull an Alex Murdaugh on his son? Is that what you mean ??

I mean, it depends on whether you want to salvage the relationship at all. If you let them find out via social media, I would imagine they'll be pretty hurt, even if that's how you're telling everyone. Would it perhaps be better rather to reach out and explain how their lack of effort is making you feel? Or even sharing the news and combining it with "it's a shame we don't see you very much. I know it would mean a lot to DH if we could see you more once the baby was here." I don't know, only you know how you want to handle it. But I'd be cautious of making as big a statement as letting them find out through social media if your genuine hope is that the relationship might improve.

octoberfarm · 09/04/2023 13:24

^sorry, your reply should have been in bold!

Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:24

WheelsUp · 09/04/2023 13:21

what I’d always had planned in my head which would be a card with a photo of the first scan or should we send them a picture on WhatsApp for example after the baby is born to shock them into realising that their behaviour is disgusting.

This bit is delusional. Why would they suddenly realise that their behaviour is disgusting? They are clearly happy with the way things are because your h is very different to them so a polite but distant relationship suits them fine.

I understand why you want them to like you but why would you drag an innocent child into this dysfunction? What do they gain by learning that they (and their father) are not loved as much as their uncle and any child he has in future? You are weaponising a child in the hope that they become the ILs that you want. Why do you think that they are they going to change ? If MIL is baby mad then she will clearly be calling up demanding that baby is dropped off or stays with her overnight rather than want to spend time with you and your h.

When have I said “I hope they will change”….not once

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:25

octoberfarm · 09/04/2023 13:24

^sorry, your reply should have been in bold!

Come again ?

OP posts:
EmilyGilmoresSass · 09/04/2023 13:27

MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:21

Typical. Blame the spouse

Show quote history

You're actually carrying on like a teenager with all your 'ha ha's'. And why post on AIBU if you don't feel you are and whinge about negative responses? Honestly you're acting cringeworthy and if you were my brother's wife I'd not be overjoyed to have you in my life either. Drama and toxicity especially.

Meandfour · 09/04/2023 13:28

You sound so childish. I’m not sure you’re ready for a baby. It’s not a pawn in a game.

thegrain · 09/04/2023 13:29

MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:10

So basically, our plan was because we live away from family, to have a hopefully quiet pregnancy, I’ve been ill lately so hopefully that won’t get in the way…not to tell anyone then once he or she is here announce it on my husbands social media. If they guilt trip us we can say well we did that with everyone. For example we didn’t marry the way they thought he would we did it our way which I believe made us stronger as a unit. So if we just causally say well we hardly ever see or speak to you, this is everyone found out his mother can’t fake cry and his dad can’t pull an Alex Murdaugh on his son? Is that what you mean ??

Show quote history

Its very extreme to be planning it like this to try and make a point. If you'd just decided that's how you're going to let everyone know then thats fine I've seen birth announcements like that - one was a very high risk one they didn't want to let people know until baby was here. The other was just someone who doesn't use social media much and I assume they told all their relatives first but who knows.

thegrain · 09/04/2023 13:31

MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:13

Living rent free oh no I would share my Creme Eggs not anyone! Not even Anthony Joshua himself ha ha

Show quote history

I think the creme eggs have gone to your head a little bit tbh.

octoberfarm · 09/04/2023 13:32

I replied to your previous response, but it didn't show in bold, so it looked like your response was part of my reply. If you scroll down, you'll see what I responded, but I was apologizing that your response had become part of mine to you.

thegrain · 09/04/2023 13:33

MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:19

Hi. I did respond back to you and another person. Thank you for a mature and well grounded comment! You can see where I’m coming from and that not all of us having “normal”families lol

Show quote history

Everyone else can too! We just don't get why you'd deliberately play games with your baby - they aren't a tool to hurt your inlaws with and tbh they probably won't even give a toss or get the point you are trying to make.

Thebigblueballoon · 09/04/2023 13:37

Weirdly, this thought popped into my head recently, but in my case I was considering if I will inform my horrible parents (low/no contact) when I get pregnant. They won’t be involved in my child’s life, so I was considering if I should bother telling them. I came to the conclusion that I would probably email them at some point. I’m aware they keep tabs on my business social media so they’d probably find out that way, but I’ll probably drop them a semi-formal note so they’re at least aware.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/04/2023 13:42

What does your DH want to do?

As someone who has no contact, my choice, with her family I’d say let him choose.

You may find that being a father will make him one way or the other with his family - I went completely NC as I didn’t want my children suffering the same as I did, but I know some people end up making even more effort than ever as they want their child and family to know each other.

Put him and the child first and put any revenges or get backs way way down the list. Those will only be good feelings for a few fleeting moments, but the impact of decisions made will last forever.

ThinWomansBrain · 09/04/2023 13:50

well given that you aren't pregnant, seems a waste of headspace thinking about it

B0g · 09/04/2023 13:55

You wrote that your husband is happy and content in life, and chose to live far away from his relatives. There is no reason for you to be thinking up scenarios involving his relatives, he can tell/not tell them any announcements himself. Opt out of the dramas.

WheelsUp · 09/04/2023 14:11

Creating drama and trying to get revenge on uncaring ILs is just going to cause your h unnecessary grief if he's currently happy with the way things are. It sounds like you want revenge and acknowledgement of how they made you and your h feel but they clearly don't care or don't understand so you will be seen as the problem. You will not want drama when you've just had a baby and want to enjoy it. Follow your h's lead with this and don't let them invade your headspace. Block them and let your h manage them.

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