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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you tell family members you are expecting?

73 replies

MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 11:00

I’ll keep this as brief as I can

im married to such a lovely man and we live away from his family cos of my husbands job. I have no family. They never bother with him. Can go for weeks and weeks and not make any contact. Last year his mother didn’t text or call him for almost 6 months yet he hears that she and his dad are off on Holiday with his brother and doing other activities etc. while he’s happy and content in his life that sort of behaviour does hurt but that’s down to them….

He always made an effort to contact them, I’d encourage him sometimes by saying put your feelings to one side, be the bigger person life’s too short, but after a while he just got sick of it. All relationships require both parties to put 50% effort in. He saw his parents twice last year and his mother once the year before. During the Xmas meal last year all his mother could moan on about was how nice it would be if we were all together aka the younger brother wasn’t there! I pointed out it was his choice to see a friend and she see’s him 365 days of the year!

we’ve been together almost 13 years and are planning on trying for a baby soon. Haven’t been able to have one due to my health. His mother is very baby orientated aka controlling! She told me from day one her name would be “mama”
not Grandma. I just thought yeah right. Haha

my thinking is, if you can’t be bothered with us and can go nearly half a year and make absolutely zero contact, if and when they happy time comes do they deserve what I’d always had planned in my head which would be a card with a photo of the first scan or should we send them a picture on WhatsApp for example after the baby is born to shock them into realising that their behaviour is disgusting. Basically if and when his dad calls for his duty 5 minutes every 3 months during the pregnancy should we keep our mouths shut then really surprise them! Lol

we all know we aren’t close. It’s the elephant in the room so to speak. I really have tried to make an effort with his family over the years, especially his mother.

they have 2 sons not one and never bother with my husband. He’s not a bad person, he’s never been in trouble with the law, always worked, he’s just lovely. I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t you treat them both equally?

they are all into flashy watches, posh cars and showing off. My husband is nothing like them

what do you all think and what would you do ?

OP posts:
StagsLeap · 09/04/2023 12:52

OP, you need to quote or use the names of the posters to whom you’re responding.

It seems a bit mad and premature to be thinking of this kind of thing before you’re even pregnant. I wouldn’t be giving people who are largely irrelevant to your life so much headspace,

thegrain · 09/04/2023 12:53

should we send them a picture on WhatsApp for example after the baby is born to shock them into realising that their behaviour is disgusting no that's using your baby to play games.

Fine if you just send them a picture on WhatsApp as that's what you're doing with everyone else.

they are all into flashy watches, posh cars and showing off. My husband is nothing like them and? What's that got to do with it. You clearly don't like them but I don't understand why them liking expensive items has anything to do with your baby. Which as far as I understand hadn't even been conceived yet and you're already planning mind games.

Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:55

Well of course same here, I would have sent them a card with the babies first scan and every with a message from the baby saying “you’re gonna be grandparents!” Even though I’m such a nasty according to some ha ha but my way of thinking is if his own mother can go six months and make NO contact with her eldest son, yet goes on holiday, goes out for meals etc with her replica Prince Andrew and only contacted my husband out of sheer Curtsey just cos it was his birthday why should they have these beautiful privileges? He’s done nothing wrong, always respectful of his parents and yet they never bother with him. Treat him like the runt and it hurts him deep down

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 09/04/2023 12:55

MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:48

Weaponising? Please elaborate

You're using a baby that hasn't been conceived as yet, as something to hold over them to make them change their ways. You seem to be using this potential child as a way to punish them about how they've acted in the past.

They aren't going to get the message that you are hoping for. Tell them or don't. But they aren't going to see a photo of your newborn baby and suddenly realised that you are unhappy about how they have acted in the past and change who they are.

thegrain · 09/04/2023 12:56

MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:55

Well of course same here, I would have sent them a card with the babies first scan and every with a message from the baby saying “you’re gonna be grandparents!” Even though I’m such a nasty according to some ha ha but my way of thinking is if his own mother can go six months and make NO contact with her eldest son, yet goes on holiday, goes out for meals etc with her replica Prince Andrew and only contacted my husband out of sheer Curtsey just cos it was his birthday why should they have these beautiful privileges? He’s done nothing wrong, always respectful of his parents and yet they never bother with him. Treat him like the runt and it hurts him deep down

You haven't even conceived yet? Why plan this out? It sounds like you want to make a point/hurt them. Could you not just get on with your life?

thegrain · 09/04/2023 12:56

OrigamiOwls · 09/04/2023 12:55

You're using a baby that hasn't been conceived as yet, as something to hold over them to make them change their ways. You seem to be using this potential child as a way to punish them about how they've acted in the past.

They aren't going to get the message that you are hoping for. Tell them or don't. But they aren't going to see a photo of your newborn baby and suddenly realised that you are unhappy about how they have acted in the past and change who they are.

Show quote history

Yes i agree.

Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:56

Yes your are right that’s exactly the point of what I’m doing and asking everyone but to say I’m using a baby as a weapon is a tad harsh. Read my post again.

OP posts:
thegrain · 09/04/2023 12:57

MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:56

Yes your are right that’s exactly the point of what I’m doing and asking everyone but to say I’m using a baby as a weapon is a tad harsh. Read my post again.

I have. And you are.

Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:58

I am, having lots of sex, well not right now as my husband is in Spain ha ha and could get pregnant at any time hopefully so an after a clear and logic answer from people who don’t they. Thanks :-)

OP posts:
thegrain · 09/04/2023 12:58

OP if you click on the three dots at the bottom right of a post you can "quote" it so we can see what you are agreeing with

Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:58

Ok :-) thanks for your opinion

OP posts:
StormiDayz · 09/04/2023 12:59

Cross that bridge when you come to it. You're not even pregnant yet and you're worrying about this?

thegrain · 09/04/2023 12:59

MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:58

I am, having lots of sex, well not right now as my husband is in Spain ha ha and could get pregnant at any time hopefully so an after a clear and logic answer from people who don’t they. Thanks :-)

Sorry I don't get what you are talking about here :-)

thegrain · 09/04/2023 12:59

MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 12:58

Ok :-) thanks for your opinion

Was that to me? :-)

Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:00

Ahhh I wondered what I was doing wrong!

Thanks for your opinion :-) name calling is just silly and I steer away but thank you

OP posts:
PapadamPreach · 09/04/2023 13:02

Imagine spending your Sunday thinking-
“hrm, if I ever conceive, I wonder how I can use the pregnancy and newborn baby to make a point to my in-laws and cause even bigger chasms in their relationship with my so ?”

Bizarre.

Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:03

I’m new to this and don’t know how to respond to ppl or their quotes ha ha so I may not make sense. Some one said get a life. I said I do I have lots of sex not at the moment as hubby is in Spain but we are trying and could fall pregnant at any time and it’s not something I wanna ask him they are still his parents but he knows they’ve treated him badly. Do they deserve little privileges to show off to their so called friends is all I ask!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:04

PapadamPreach · 09/04/2023 13:02

Imagine spending your Sunday thinking-
“hrm, if I ever conceive, I wonder how I can use the pregnancy and newborn baby to make a point to my in-laws and cause even bigger chasms in their relationship with my so ?”

Bizarre.

I’m actually spending it in the garden eating Creme eggs ha ha

OP posts:
StagsLeap · 09/04/2023 13:05

MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:03

I’m new to this and don’t know how to respond to ppl or their quotes ha ha so I may not make sense. Some one said get a life. I said I do I have lots of sex not at the moment as hubby is in Spain but we are trying and could fall pregnant at any time and it’s not something I wanna ask him they are still his parents but he knows they’ve treated him badly. Do they deserve little privileges to show off to their so called friends is all I ask!

Click on the dots on the bottom right of the post you want to respond to and then tap ‘Wuote’.

StagsLeap · 09/04/2023 13:05

Quote!

octoberfarm · 09/04/2023 13:05

I think the thing is, by just sending them the WhatsApp picture post-birth as others have said, it's not likely to just click for them that then should have been more present. Unless you explicitly say to them that you're disappointed that they don't make more of an effort and it hurts your husband, I'm pretty sure they're not going to read between the lines.

I think when pp say you're weaponizing the baby, they mean that you're using how you share the news of the future baby to make a point. Which is obviously because you're both understandably hurt, but if it were me rather than trying to get revenge or make a point, I'd treat them no differently to the average family member you might tell - no special announcement or early notification, just letting them know when you let everyone else know. And then focus on enjoying the pregnancy and baby, and put this to the side.

Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:10

octoberfarm · 09/04/2023 13:05

I think the thing is, by just sending them the WhatsApp picture post-birth as others have said, it's not likely to just click for them that then should have been more present. Unless you explicitly say to them that you're disappointed that they don't make more of an effort and it hurts your husband, I'm pretty sure they're not going to read between the lines.

I think when pp say you're weaponizing the baby, they mean that you're using how you share the news of the future baby to make a point. Which is obviously because you're both understandably hurt, but if it were me rather than trying to get revenge or make a point, I'd treat them no differently to the average family member you might tell - no special announcement or early notification, just letting them know when you let everyone else know. And then focus on enjoying the pregnancy and baby, and put this to the side.

So basically, our plan was because we live away from family, to have a hopefully quiet pregnancy, I’ve been ill lately so hopefully that won’t get in the way…not to tell anyone then once he or she is here announce it on my husbands social media. If they guilt trip us we can say well we did that with everyone. For example we didn’t marry the way they thought he would we did it our way which I believe made us stronger as a unit. So if we just causally say well we hardly ever see or speak to you, this is everyone found out his mother can’t fake cry and his dad can’t pull an Alex Murdaugh on his son? Is that what you mean ??

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:12

TrueScrumptious · 09/04/2023 11:06

Well, you actually don’t sound very nice either, so… Just do as you like. There’s clearly no love lost.

Truly scrumptious, never never never go awaaaaay!!! :-)

OP posts:
PapadamPreach · 09/04/2023 13:12

MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:04

I’m actually spending it in the garden eating Creme eggs ha ha

Show quote history

And all the while your in-laws are living rent-free in your head?

Do you think they’re spending any time today thinking about you?

Original poster
MrsH9 · 09/04/2023 13:13

PapadamPreach · 09/04/2023 13:12

And all the while your in-laws are living rent-free in your head?

Do you think they’re spending any time today thinking about you?

Show quote history

Living rent free oh no I would share my Creme Eggs not anyone! Not even Anthony Joshua himself ha ha

OP posts: