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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling disappointed by my partner

69 replies

Mintchocco · 09/04/2023 08:11

Hello,

Yesterday, our 1 year old daughter took quite a nasty turn - had a rash that was spreading, seemed very poorly so 111 sent us to our local A and E.

Fortunately (in the sense I was fearing worse) it turns out she has strep throat and has been given antibiotics and we were allowed home. She did perk up a bit after.

It was a long day though, A and E was very busy, we also have a 4 year old son and I am absolutely the main care giver. Partner works a fairly typical Monday-Friday job with occasional Saturdays and gets home around half 5. he is one of those though that is always popping here there and bloody everywhere, doing 'errands'. Has a friend who lives nearby that he is always meeting up with.

Anyway - we were invited to a party last night for his brother in law. I didn't go because of our 1 year old being poorly and wasn't in the party mood by the time I got home - not until gone 7 which was when the party actually started.

Partner asked if I minded if he still went - I said no, daughter doesn't need us both here but can you bear in mind I have had a lot on my plate recently, have been with the children by myself all the time in recent months, I feel like you're hardly ever around and it's easter sunday tomorrow - our 4 year old is going to need to be taken out still (our original plans involved the whole family but with our youngest being poorly now it would just be taking our 4 year old ) . He was also out friday night although admittedly not drinking. But still.

Well, he got in at 5 am absolutely trollied. The house absolutely stinks of booze, there is mud all over the carpets and a half eaten kebab box on the sofa. Some might find this quite amusing but i just find it quite revolting in our 30s with two young children living in this home.

I know he is going to be good for nothing today now - I just feel very disappointed in him. Another day spent by myself with the kids, trying to entertain the 4 year old whilst looking after the poorly one. Getting quite sick of it, I was honest with him yesterday and said I'd actually cried at the hospital as I felt so overwhelmed atm with a stressful job and also doing everything with the children all the time.

It's not that he went out - it's the fact he has absolutely ragged the arse out of it. Why did he have to get that drunk, knowing I already felt stressed after a day spent at the hospital with a poorly one year old, leaving me again today to do everything.

I know there will be just wake him up but it's pointless - he didn't get in until 3 hours ago, he won't get up any time soon, he'd sleep through a natural disaster after being that pissed only a couple hours ago.

OP posts:

WhatWouldHopperDo · 09/04/2023 08:15

He’s a selfish twat. A decent person would have gone to the party and made their excuses to leave early.

I will say, wake him up, send the children in. I get that he’ll be groggy but don’t let him just sleep it off.

It sounds like this is a bigger issue. Are you thinking of trying to address the issues with him or are you last that and thinking of leaving?

I hope your DD is better soon x

IggyAce · 09/04/2023 08:18

I’m so sorry but he’s an arse. I would also be getting him up and making him parent he doesn’t get a free pass. If you honestly can’t face that, next weekend you leave the house after giving the kids breakfast and leave him to it. Book yourself a massage, go enjoy a quiet coffee take sometime for you.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/04/2023 08:19

Wake him up, if he doesn't like it then he shouldn't get rat arsed and stroll in at 5am.

Go wake him up.

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/04/2023 08:20

WhatWouldHopperDo · 09/04/2023 08:15

He’s a selfish twat. A decent person would have gone to the party and made their excuses to leave early.

I will say, wake him up, send the children in. I get that he’ll be groggy but don’t let him just sleep it off.

It sounds like this is a bigger issue. Are you thinking of trying to address the issues with him or are you last that and thinking of leaving?

I hope your DD is better soon x

A decent person wouldn't have gone to the party!

Original poster

Mintchocco · 09/04/2023 08:22

I'm just failing to see what he brings to the table right now.

Admittedly when he's around, he does play with our 4 year old brilliantly and they do have a good relationship but it's very disney dad.

Does piss all with the one year old though

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 09/04/2023 08:23

How is the 1 year old today? Any chance of going to spend the day at a relative's house?

The first thing I'd be doing when he emerges is to tell him that he is a selfish cunt.

Original poster

Mintchocco · 09/04/2023 08:23

it is deeper than the party i guess but i am just taken aback that even in this situation, knowing how stressful yesterday was for me, that he has done this,

OP posts:

Comfies · 09/04/2023 08:25

I would not be happy at all with that.

Sapphire387 · 09/04/2023 08:26

What kind of a man even thinks he should be going to the party at all after you've spent the day in A&E with a toddler, leaving you to deal with two young children alone that evening, one ill, when you must be exhausted? YANBU, he sounds awful.

RuthTopp · 09/04/2023 08:26

Hope your dd is better today . If I was in that situation , I'd make my 4 year olds day as nice as possible , go out of you can , leave you husband to his hangover with absolutely no sympathy and just enjoy your Easter .
I'd hope he would pick up on your feelings of the situation and be adult enough to work out that it is not acceptable and apologise . If not , then in a few days when your daughter is better and your anger has calmed down , tell him things have to change for you to want to continue the relationship.

Ace56 · 09/04/2023 08:26

I would definitely still make him go out today with the 4 yr old. If he refuses, go out yourself and leave him to it with the 2 kids!

I think you need a serious conversation with him about how he participates in family life.

FrenchandSaunders · 09/04/2023 08:27

He sounds awful. It’s Easter Sunday as well, should be a family day, not a hungover sleeping day. Prick.

Original poster

Mintchocco · 09/04/2023 08:32

I'm genuinely quite mind blown by it - he can be selfish but I think he's topped himself here

OP posts:

Werehalfwaythere · 09/04/2023 08:34

He clearly puts his own wants first. He's selfish.

Personally I would have said no to him going out last night. If he has form for going out and getting drunk, I'd have just said no and stuck a film on.

As for today, obviously you'll have to move the kebab box and open the windows, but I would leave the mud where it is. He can clean that when he gets up. I would also wake him up at 12pm (having already had a nice lunch with the kids) and expect him to take the 4 year old out for a few hours so you have time to relax with the little one.

And it's bank holiday tomorrow, so definitely make sure you have some time to yourself tomorrow.

I think you're going to have to start putting your foot down. He needs to be home by 5.30pm to help with dinner and bed X number of times per week. No more errands on those days. He can work 2x Saturdays a month max. And one night out a month.

You shouldn't have to tell him what he can do, but unless you do, he's not going to change.

AgnesX · 09/04/2023 08:34

Went out at 7pm and rolled home at 5am.

I'm old - what on earth was he doing til 5am??

Timeforabiscuit · 09/04/2023 08:37

Take yourself and the kids out, have a great day without him.

Come back calm and happy, albeit tired, and then while you are both alone, point out the complete fucking hypocrisy if YOU behaved like he did last night, the disrespect you felt, if he wants to act like a twenty year old that's his lookout, but it's come at a cost to your relationship.

Is this how he wants things to continue? How can you trust him if the shit really hits with life's big stuff?

You don't need to be angry, just resolute that this is not the kind of life you want.

crimsonpeak · 09/04/2023 08:41

He’s a selfish dickhead. I’d be waking him up and telling him that to his face.

Ladybug14 · 09/04/2023 08:42

I'm sorry to say this, but he doesn't love you, or the children

No one who loves you and the children would treat you like this

I'll tell you who he DOES love, though. Himself

Don't enable him to be like this any more

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 09/04/2023 08:45

Print of a list of divorce lawyers and leave it laying in the kitchen, lounge whatever.

Take the kids and go out for the day, (possibly just before he starts getting up) might be good getting the little one out for a bit of fresh air.

Let him see what he might loose.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 09/04/2023 08:45

Lose

CleaningOutMyCloset · 09/04/2023 08:46

After telling him that you cried today due to feeling overwhelmed, and you've also said it feels like he's never around, for him to go to the party is selfish, getting drunk and pretty much writing off today in terms of being fit for anything, shows an eye watering lack of respect for you, it also shows that he doesn't care for your feelings, or those of his dc and that he's an incredibly selfish individual.

I'd use this time to evaluate the relationship and if he's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I'd also arrange to see friends or have a day out tomorrow on your own and leave him with the dc

Ohlalahair · 09/04/2023 08:48

To the poster saying he doesn’t love you or the kids. FFS as if the world is that black and white. He’s been selfish - a lot of men are. Though mumsnet will say how their husbands are all fabulous ALL THE TIME. A lot of men have selfish tendencies but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his kids and wife.

Yes he’s been a twat. If I were you I would spend the day until he wakes up doing whatever makes you and the kids the happiest and gives you the easiest day. If that’s a day in front of the tv so you and the Ill baby can rest so be it, a day of screen time isn’t the end of the world in this instance. if you feel a nice day out would suit you all better do that - don’t let the rage ruin your day.
Im sure he’ll wake up later feeling awful and guilty and apologise and sometimes in life that’s the best lesson. Rather than being shouted at. If he’s not sorry, we’ll that’s a different story.

mycatsanutter · 09/04/2023 08:54

I would let him sleep til 10am that's 5 hours sleep that's plenty then he can crack on with taking the 4 year old out . If he feels crap all day so what , that's his issue . He does not get to opt out of today and laze about , no chance .

Original poster

Mintchocco · 09/04/2023 08:56

It's not like I've had a lot of sleep myself - mine wasn't something I did to myself though.

So sick of it, i think this might be the icing on the cake for me

OP posts:

TheCentreSlide · 09/04/2023 08:57

Selfish wanker.

Sorry OP. Get him up at 10am as a PP suggested and tell him he still needs to take his son out for the day.

He sounds like a self absorbed man child who is half-arsing fatherhood with a complete sense of entitlement.

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