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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling disappointed by my partner

69 replies

Mintchocco · 09/04/2023 08:11

Hello,

Yesterday, our 1 year old daughter took quite a nasty turn - had a rash that was spreading, seemed very poorly so 111 sent us to our local A and E.

Fortunately (in the sense I was fearing worse) it turns out she has strep throat and has been given antibiotics and we were allowed home. She did perk up a bit after.

It was a long day though, A and E was very busy, we also have a 4 year old son and I am absolutely the main care giver. Partner works a fairly typical Monday-Friday job with occasional Saturdays and gets home around half 5. he is one of those though that is always popping here there and bloody everywhere, doing 'errands'. Has a friend who lives nearby that he is always meeting up with.

Anyway - we were invited to a party last night for his brother in law. I didn't go because of our 1 year old being poorly and wasn't in the party mood by the time I got home - not until gone 7 which was when the party actually started.

Partner asked if I minded if he still went - I said no, daughter doesn't need us both here but can you bear in mind I have had a lot on my plate recently, have been with the children by myself all the time in recent months, I feel like you're hardly ever around and it's easter sunday tomorrow - our 4 year old is going to need to be taken out still (our original plans involved the whole family but with our youngest being poorly now it would just be taking our 4 year old ) . He was also out friday night although admittedly not drinking. But still.

Well, he got in at 5 am absolutely trollied. The house absolutely stinks of booze, there is mud all over the carpets and a half eaten kebab box on the sofa. Some might find this quite amusing but i just find it quite revolting in our 30s with two young children living in this home.

I know he is going to be good for nothing today now - I just feel very disappointed in him. Another day spent by myself with the kids, trying to entertain the 4 year old whilst looking after the poorly one. Getting quite sick of it, I was honest with him yesterday and said I'd actually cried at the hospital as I felt so overwhelmed atm with a stressful job and also doing everything with the children all the time.

It's not that he went out - it's the fact he has absolutely ragged the arse out of it. Why did he have to get that drunk, knowing I already felt stressed after a day spent at the hospital with a poorly one year old, leaving me again today to do everything.

I know there will be just wake him up but it's pointless - he didn't get in until 3 hours ago, he won't get up any time soon, he'd sleep through a natural disaster after being that pissed only a couple hours ago.

OP posts:

PennyPinkleton · 09/04/2023 10:18

pictoosh · 09/04/2023 09:58

He does understand lovely, he's not thick. He simply believes he is more important and it doesn't matter. He's self-centred, not stupid or lacking in comprehension.

When he argues with logic it's because he wants to undermine you and justify his behaviour. It's to deflect from his wrongdoing and make it your problem.

@pictoosh is spot on

He also doesn’t need explaining to him why his behaviour is so shit. He knows and he did it anyway.

So sorry OP, I hope your DD is feeling better soon.

Original poster

Mintchocco · 09/04/2023 10:22

Thank you.

No worries on the contraception part - I have an IUD that I check I can still feel the strings religiously

OP posts:

terfinthewild · 09/04/2023 10:25

You need to find a way to talk to him about how you feel. It doesn't sound like you are being unreasonable, if anything it sounds like there is something deeply wrong with your relationship. Also - next time he asks you if it's okay to go out when you know it's not okay - say"no" and don't compromise when you know you are in the right. Good luck with it all. X

Dibbydoos · 09/04/2023 10:35

When the pressure is on some people run away.

You were clear, I don't know how he responded at the time but his behaviour was complete run away from his responsibilities.

Wake him up, dump 4yo on him, go out with 1 yo if their well enough or do vice versa.

Tomorrow arrange a meeting with a friend, no kids uf yiu can.

What a child.

Original poster

Mintchocco · 09/04/2023 10:37

It's just worrying really too with our youngest childs history. What would he have done if she had taken a turn for the worse?

He is still in bed - naturally. Despite the fact I haven't slept very much myself, no chance of a catch up when little one sleeps now as I have the 4 year old. Of course his sleep is more important than mine :)

OP posts:

grayhairdontcare · 09/04/2023 11:13

People treat you how you allow them to.
No real repercussions for his consistent shitty behaviour have told him that if he listens to a bit of moaning then he can carry on as normal.

tothelefttotheleft · 09/04/2023 11:23

It doesn't sound like you work outside the home? If you don't I'd keep in mind that this is something to aim towards as your partner clearly only thinks of himself. Protect yourself.

Ragruggers · 09/04/2023 11:30

What is your housing situation and do you work? This is not how relationships work and you are a lovely mum with 2 children doing your best.You deserve better as you know,he sounds useless and without any understanding of what family life is like.Go out with the children and when you go back home make your food and ignore him do nothing for hi he will turn it all on you that he has done nothing wrong. Later tell him you and the children deserve better and this is the end and follow through with this. Good luck.

HomeTheatreSystem · 09/04/2023 11:40

tothelefttotheleft · 09/04/2023 11:23

It doesn't sound like you work outside the home? If you don't I'd keep in mind that this is something to aim towards as your partner clearly only thinks of himself. Protect yourself.

I'd actually cried at the hospital as I felt so overwhelmed atm with a stressful job and also doing everything with the children all the time.

From her OP.

Ragruggers · 09/04/2023 11:43

Sorry I see you do work ,you must be so tired and must be so disappointed in your partner.Try to enjoy your day out.

Original poster

Mintchocco · 09/04/2023 11:55

I'm knackered.

He is still in bed.

Youngest just having a nap, me and the oldest have done an easter egg hunt and are going to meet up with my brother when youngest is awake.

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 09/04/2023 12:03

I’d get my ducks in a row.

Hope DD is feeling better and DS enjoys the egg hunt

Original poster

Mintchocco · 09/04/2023 12:04

I have no where to go

OP posts:

Original poster

Mintchocco · 09/04/2023 12:06

despite working a high pressure not too badly paid job I literally cannot financially do it

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/04/2023 12:20

Oh ffs. Another selfish fucker who doesn’t give a shit about his kids or his partner, just himself. Seriously op, you need to make changes - because he won’t..

FishChipsMushyPeas · 09/04/2023 12:40

I know it was a family members party but I'm shocked he would even want to go after spending all that time in A&E with a bloody 1 year old. Surely you'd stay home to make sure both the baby and the 4 year old were OK?

billy1966 · 09/04/2023 13:32

Talk to your brother.

Talk to Women's aid.

You don't have to rush into any decisions now.

Just reach out around you and see what advice and support you can access.

I'm so sorry for you.

Where are your parents?

Are they alive?

tothelefttotheleft · 09/04/2023 23:10

@HomeTheatreSystem

Not sure how I missed that. Thankyou.

GrazingSheep · 09/04/2023 23:12

Just make sure you don’t have a third child with him.

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