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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling disappointed by my partner

69 replies

Mintchocco · 09/04/2023 08:11

Hello,

Yesterday, our 1 year old daughter took quite a nasty turn - had a rash that was spreading, seemed very poorly so 111 sent us to our local A and E.

Fortunately (in the sense I was fearing worse) it turns out she has strep throat and has been given antibiotics and we were allowed home. She did perk up a bit after.

It was a long day though, A and E was very busy, we also have a 4 year old son and I am absolutely the main care giver. Partner works a fairly typical Monday-Friday job with occasional Saturdays and gets home around half 5. he is one of those though that is always popping here there and bloody everywhere, doing 'errands'. Has a friend who lives nearby that he is always meeting up with.

Anyway - we were invited to a party last night for his brother in law. I didn't go because of our 1 year old being poorly and wasn't in the party mood by the time I got home - not until gone 7 which was when the party actually started.

Partner asked if I minded if he still went - I said no, daughter doesn't need us both here but can you bear in mind I have had a lot on my plate recently, have been with the children by myself all the time in recent months, I feel like you're hardly ever around and it's easter sunday tomorrow - our 4 year old is going to need to be taken out still (our original plans involved the whole family but with our youngest being poorly now it would just be taking our 4 year old ) . He was also out friday night although admittedly not drinking. But still.

Well, he got in at 5 am absolutely trollied. The house absolutely stinks of booze, there is mud all over the carpets and a half eaten kebab box on the sofa. Some might find this quite amusing but i just find it quite revolting in our 30s with two young children living in this home.

I know he is going to be good for nothing today now - I just feel very disappointed in him. Another day spent by myself with the kids, trying to entertain the 4 year old whilst looking after the poorly one. Getting quite sick of it, I was honest with him yesterday and said I'd actually cried at the hospital as I felt so overwhelmed atm with a stressful job and also doing everything with the children all the time.

It's not that he went out - it's the fact he has absolutely ragged the arse out of it. Why did he have to get that drunk, knowing I already felt stressed after a day spent at the hospital with a poorly one year old, leaving me again today to do everything.

I know there will be just wake him up but it's pointless - he didn't get in until 3 hours ago, he won't get up any time soon, he'd sleep through a natural disaster after being that pissed only a couple hours ago.

OP posts:

xyz111 · 09/04/2023 09:01

Does he do this a lot?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 09/04/2023 09:02

Is he capable of taking the 4yo out? If he was that drunk I'm guessing he can't drive any time soon and he'll be in a rotten mood and spoil the day for DC.

I'd be really hurt if DH did that. It's bad enough neglecting your partner but to spoil Easter for your kids is so disrespectful

Createausernametoday · 09/04/2023 09:04

sod All the take the kids out have a good time etc, you’ll just cave in and be ok when you get back. just clear off on your own all day. Actions consequences etc.

EmbracingTheEyeBags · 09/04/2023 09:04

That's bad! I'd be fuming too OP, he's going to be really hungover, what a waste of a day. I'm all for encouraging DH to let his hair down once in a while as a parent to a young one but on an evening where you've been in the hospital with the baby! That's bad that he still went. I don't think my DH would have gone, he'd have been too worried incase baby got any worse, either that or he'd have gone and come back couple hours after at least.
If I were you, like another pp said, I'd get out the house with the kids and go spend the day at a relatives, leave him to have a stinking hangover all day, then have words tonight

Densol57 · 09/04/2023 09:05

Thats awful !! If that was me as the other parent Id not want to go out and leave my child. Id want to watch them like a hawk and help with their care. He should not have gone or at the very maximum showed his face for an hour and come home.

To go out at 7pm and come how at 5am shows total lack of respect for you and the children. Wanker !

Id feel like waking him up with a bucket of water over him 🤣
Urgh poor you
Big talk needed with this selfish git 💐 and tell him he needs to change and step up being a father

IHateFlies · 09/04/2023 09:06

I would just ask him what makes him act like this when he can see you're struggling and need him to step up?

billy1966 · 09/04/2023 09:11

How awful.

What a total lazy selfish lazy waster you are with.

Unfortunately it seems he has been like this for years.

Personally I would be playing loud noise and I would contact family and friends for support.

He doesn't care about you or his children.

He's just another loser.

Start protecting yourself.

He really is one of life's losers.

misskatamari · 09/04/2023 09:15

I'm so sorry. He sounds like a selfish manchild who doesn't give a shit. This would be serious LTB territory for me. I know that might not be easy, with two little ones, but you seriously deserve so much better. I would start making plans of how to leave. He is adding nothing to your life besides stress and resentment

Businessflake · 09/04/2023 09:17

If he was that drunk I'm guessing he can't drive any time soon

This is most likely the issue and means he can’t take the 4 year old out. But, OP I would else him up, leave the sick 1 year old with him and have a nice day out with your 4 year old.

pictoosh · 09/04/2023 09:19

You see I'm all for letting one's hair down and having a good carry on...but in this instance, he just completely disregarded everything you said as of no importance and pleased himself to the detriment of the family day...and that's not on. He is very entitled and selfish. You are not being unreasonable. I'd be hurt too and furious...and the scales falling from my eyes. Fucker.

Brefugee · 09/04/2023 09:19

I'd leave him with the younger one and have a nice day out with the older one.
And tomorrow i'd leave him with both and have a nice day out on my own.

pictoosh · 09/04/2023 09:21

I certainly wouldn't waste this beautiful day rowing btw. Fuck him. You go out, enjoy the lovely spring day then let him have it later, when he thinks he's got away with it.

TessoftheDubonnet · 09/04/2023 09:24

Quite apart from the total selfishness and apparent lack of interest in his children, I would not want to be with someone whose idea of a good time is to drink for 10 (TEN !!!) hours and get completely wasted.

Original poster

Mintchocco · 09/04/2023 09:38

well he showed his face to get a drink, then went straight back to bed.

I said to him, what are you doing? And he goes a couple more hours, I told him how disappointed and hurt I was and he is asleep again already so. I'm just gonna go out.

OP posts:

QueenBee1234 · 09/04/2023 09:42

Please take the kids with you when you go out, he isn't fit to look after a goldfish at the moment and definitely not fit to look after a poorly 1 Yr old.
He is a complete and utter arsehole OP, I very rarely say ltb on here as life is never so simple but I would definitely be looking into my options if I were you.

TheCentreSlide · 09/04/2023 09:43

What a prick.

Original poster

Mintchocco · 09/04/2023 09:44

oh i am taking the kids with me, I won't have my sons day ruined and yeah i wouldn't trust him with the one year old being poorly atm

OP posts:

Original poster

Mintchocco · 09/04/2023 09:46

the worst thing is, I honestly don't think he will understand why I am hurt,

He will say but our daughter is fine whilst missing the point that it is the fact that everything is on me again and he had no idea she wouldn't go down hill.

We have to go back to the hospital on Tuesday as our daughter has a pretty detailed history of respiratory illness and bacterial infections (was born very early) so he didn't know she would be fine

OP posts:

ScotchOnTheRocksWithATwist · 09/04/2023 09:52

Why do people on here always encourage leaving young kids with an already shitty parent who's hungover to fuck and still probably half cut? I don't get it.

People as selfish as your dh never change unfortunately, It's just in his nature. You don't want to spend the rest of your life teaching him how to be a responsible adult. Been there/done that. Never ever again. Life is so much easier without a man child to take care of.

Greeneyegirl · 09/04/2023 09:53

If you're doing everything yourself any way, you may as well be on your own.

TwistandSprout · 09/04/2023 09:56

OP I am glad you know how shit this is. There should have been take out for you two and an early night together in prep for a disturbed night/uncertain following day. Parenting is partnership. This sounds lonely.

pictoosh · 09/04/2023 09:58

He does understand lovely, he's not thick. He simply believes he is more important and it doesn't matter. He's self-centred, not stupid or lacking in comprehension.

When he argues with logic it's because he wants to undermine you and justify his behaviour. It's to deflect from his wrongdoing and make it your problem.

toodlesofoodles · 09/04/2023 10:07

I'm so sorry OP he is a selfish arsehole. Mine sometimes misses my cues of being overwhelmed or stressed but if I tell him he generally steps up. He would not then go on an all night bender, fully in the knowledge that he'll be leaving all the parenting to me the next day.

I'd not bother waking him up as he will still be half cut and absolutely useless, plus I wouldn't want him breathing his booze breath all over the kids. Gross.

Will 4yo watch a film so you can just chill on the sofa for a bit?

billy1966 · 09/04/2023 10:14

pictoosh · 09/04/2023 09:58

He does understand lovely, he's not thick. He simply believes he is more important and it doesn't matter. He's self-centred, not stupid or lacking in comprehension.

When he argues with logic it's because he wants to undermine you and justify his behaviour. It's to deflect from his wrongdoing and make it your problem.

This.

Just another loser who cares only for himself.

Selfish man, partner and a waster as a father.

Goid men don't party when their children are sick.

It wouldn't even arise for them to leave the house after a long day at tge hospital.

The sooner you accept he is a waster, the sooner you can organise and protect your children.

Don't leave an unwell child with him, you couldn't trust him with the welfare of a child.

Sort your contraception OP, and reach out to family for support.

I'm so sorry its so hard.

The single greatest impact on most adults happiness is the calibre of partner they choose to share their life and have children with.

Take a chance on a dud and boy do you pay for it.

Selfish people before you have children invariably just get worse.

That is what I tell my children anyway.

I am so sorry OP that life is so hard for you at the moment.

You and your children deserve better than that loser sleeping off a hangover while his child is so unwell.

slowquickstep · 09/04/2023 10:16

I would let him sleep, he can't look after the children while still drunk. Do nothing for him today, no food, no washing. When he does get up tell him how you feel. Tomorrow morning, write a list of medication times for the baby, plonk it on the bedside tale as you wake him up to say you have errands to do and say bye, then bugger o time off out until bed time.

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