To think that this was manipulative/abusive?

[CoffeeandCake879]

I have been dating a woman since the middle of last year - she is a few years older than me and she has children - whereas I haven’t got round to having them yet as I’ve only had one serious relationship before and I’m also very busy with work.

We are very different but when things are going good we get on very well and just bounce off each other. The differences mainly include our lifestyles - for example she is more of a routine person, early nights, doesn’t go out very much which is fine considering the fact that she has got her kids and their dad isn’t involved with them at all whereas because I’m young and don’t have any responsibilities I prefer going out with my friends on nights out etc when I’m not seeing her, but she always gets really annoyed with me when I do.

She says it’s because of the way I behave - she thinks that there is always drama or something happening whenever I go out - there has been a couple of occasions but it isn’t a regular thing in the slightest, and then she gets annoyed when I ‘laze’ about the next day - but the way I think about it, is if I haven’t got a reason to be up early the next morning (day off and no kids) then why should I have to?

I went out a few days ago, I didn’t feel very well afterwards so I didn’t text her until a couple of days later and ever since then she’s hardly spoke to me. I finally confronted her last night and she said that she’s sick of the disappearing acts (I have no clue what she’s going on about there) and something always happening every time I go out and it’s “getting boring now”. She also said that my life feels very “all over the place” to her and it’s causing her a lot of anxiety (I don’t know how?!) and she needs a break from me.

Now this is the bit I’m not sure if it’s manipulation or abusive - she said that she just wishes I could be the person that she needs me to be (organised, in a routine, sleeps properly - I do have sleeping issues that’s not exactly a lie and just basically to sort my shit out - even though I feel I am already doing this but she doesn’t see it).

Is this normal or am I being controlled/manipulated/abused in some way? I don’t exactly have the best track record for spotting the warning signs as my last partner was abusive to me, cheated on me etc, so I just need an outsider perspective?

TIA! X

I’m a woman too - incase that makes any difference!

Makes no difference.

If the person I was seeing went out on a night out and didn’t make contact for a few days I’d be annoyed. If this was a pattern I’d find it boring too. Did she make contact with you and you didn’t answer?

No, that's not being manipulative or abusive, that's her saying she's shit of your shit and wishes you weren't like that.

There's no reason to not contact someone for a couple of days because you're not feeling well after a night out... you clearly don't see it from her side but I've been where she is and it's not nice.

You two don't sound compatible, but don't try to label her abusive because she's fed up of your lifestyle and the way it makes her feel.

doesnt sound like you are compatible really

is there a reason that you needed to contact her very frequently?

She did send me a message but I didn’t feel well enough to reply, but did as soon as I was able to. I’m not saying she is abusive, she’s been a rock to me at times (there’s been a lot going on in my life since we met) but I just feel like I can never do anything right and she is always making me out to be this horrible person when I’m not. Like another example, I haven’t registered with a GP since I moved last year and she’s always digging at me about it saying it’s another example of how irresponsible/unorganised I am and what happens if I get ill etc - but from my point of view, it doesn’t affect her so why does she feel the needs to try and control that part of my life?

just take a break from each other,

you are an adult,
up to you to get a gp with or without her say so surely

You sound like you are at very different points in your lives.

No she isn't being controlling, she is looking for a partner who can be part of her life and perhaps build a family with. You sound like your not at the point in your life yet.

I wouldn't say it sounds manipulative or abusive. Just sounds like she's had enough really. You don't seem compatible at all.

Because she cares about you and wants you to take care of yourself and act like an adult.

You are not compatible

sounds like you have fallen into an adult child relationship

I'd probably nag someone I cared about to get registered with a doctor too.

You're just not a match for a long term relationship. Even if you have good chemistry together. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who couldnt message me for days either.

She's letting you know how she feels - but it's making you feel uncomfortable because she's crossing your boundaries on what you think is reasonable in a relationship. That doesnt make her abusive. Just makes you not a good fit. She's clearly not as flexible/easy going as you are.

You're very different people.
It just won't work

I didn’t feel well enough to reply

were you on life support in the ICU? We are talking about replying to a text message? It takes no effort at all to send a quick text or voice message to say “I got your message. I’m not feeling well but I’ll call/text later”.

She’s absolutely right that you are full of drama.

It's not abuse fgs, you just aren't compatible. Time to end it.

@BigChesterDraws no I blacked out for a short period of time and when that happens I often feel too sick to even look at my phone let alone type out a message - how is that my fault?

You are just at different points in your lives I think. You are entitled to behave as though you have no responsibilities - you don’t. She does - kids - and understandably has a different of the world as a result. I would move on - you won’t make each other happy.

@CoffeeandCake879 then you should probably register with a GP.

Was the blacking out due to an excess of alcohol or drugs? If that’s the case, I’d definitely say you’re not compatible for someone at a family and kids stage of life.

She does sound controlling. You’re only dating and she has a problem with you going out with friends or lazing around on your days off. She has to be responsible and organised and is frustrated that you’re not the same but you don’t have to be as you don’t have kids. It doesn’t sound like you want to change which is fair enough. You’re just a different life stages and don’t sound compatible.

@BabychamGlass its been happening for years and they’ve never helped me so I’ve just given up with them and that’s another thing that she keeps being not very nice to me about - normally she’s sympathetic but this time round she just said she didn’t care anymore and to get on with it - like I know she’s annoyed with me but surely that’s not how you treat someone that you care about?

@MrsRinaDecker no it’s not because of alcohol or drugs x

You've been dating, what, just over 6 months, and you've had more than one occasion where you've behaved inappropriately when drunk, then get so drunk you can't contact her for days? Yeah I'd dump you to be honest.

You're at different life stages. It's time to grow up or move on.

@RedDirtWildChild thank you for actually seeing it from my point of view! I’ve said that to her before - like when I’ve been out but I’m not staying at hers and she’s said oh it’s getting late now shouldn’t you be going home - it’s like if I’m not disturbing you by coming to yours why can’t I go home when I want to? Like I know she’s said it out of concern if I’ve got an early start the next morning but it’s pretty normal for me and something I’m used to being young