To think that this was manipulative/abusive?

[CoffeeandCake879]

I have been dating a woman since the middle of last year - she is a few years older than me and she has children - whereas I haven’t got round to having them yet as I’ve only had one serious relationship before and I’m also very busy with work.

We are very different but when things are going good we get on very well and just bounce off each other. The differences mainly include our lifestyles - for example she is more of a routine person, early nights, doesn’t go out very much which is fine considering the fact that she has got her kids and their dad isn’t involved with them at all whereas because I’m young and don’t have any responsibilities I prefer going out with my friends on nights out etc when I’m not seeing her, but she always gets really annoyed with me when I do.

She says it’s because of the way I behave - she thinks that there is always drama or something happening whenever I go out - there has been a couple of occasions but it isn’t a regular thing in the slightest, and then she gets annoyed when I ‘laze’ about the next day - but the way I think about it, is if I haven’t got a reason to be up early the next morning (day off and no kids) then why should I have to?

I went out a few days ago, I didn’t feel very well afterwards so I didn’t text her until a couple of days later and ever since then she’s hardly spoke to me. I finally confronted her last night and she said that she’s sick of the disappearing acts (I have no clue what she’s going on about there) and something always happening every time I go out and it’s “getting boring now”. She also said that my life feels very “all over the place” to her and it’s causing her a lot of anxiety (I don’t know how?!) and she needs a break from me.

Now this is the bit I’m not sure if it’s manipulation or abusive - she said that she just wishes I could be the person that she needs me to be (organised, in a routine, sleeps properly - I do have sleeping issues that’s not exactly a lie and just basically to sort my shit out - even though I feel I am already doing this but she doesn’t see it).

Is this normal or am I being controlled/manipulated/abused in some way? I don’t exactly have the best track record for spotting the warning signs as my last partner was abusive to me, cheated on me etc, so I just need an outsider perspective?

TIA! X

You are at different places in life and it isn't compatible.

You're clearly not compatible.
It won't work in the long run so you're best breaking it off now.

It sounds as though you need to grow up a bit. Not messaging for days after a night out is really unreasonable and I'm not surprised she was annoyed.

it sounds as if you are a lot younger than her - and as a pp has suggested. falling in to an adult/child relationship.
she isn't necessarily being manipulative, but you .clearly have different expectations.

You don't sound compatible. I would be annoyed with someone who needs days to recover from going out and feel well enough to reply to a text.

She's not abusive you're just not giving each other what you need.

But you didn't get back to her for a couple of days. I'm not someone who thinks couples should be in contact 24/7, but if I was in a relationship and it was our habit to talk daily, I would think the other person was making a point if they didn't contact me for several days.

do you not go to work op?
that you can have late nights and lazy days? @CoffeeandCake879

anyway, let her have a break from you since it is getting boring for her

You’re not compatible at all. You don’t understand the responsibilities of life and you’ve still yet to grow up.

@FrozenGhost when I have these episodes I feel unwell for a while afterwards

@FlowersAndBonnets I absolutely do - I live by myself, pay my own bills, work really hard - I just like a night out and to chill on my days off - is that really so wrong?

I think I understand what you mean. She's not abusive but as an adult I'd find her very controlling. If she's not happy with how you live your life, no one is forcing her to be in a relationship with you. Vice versa. I would find someone more compatible.

You're not a victim. Its insulting to pretend you are.

You are a very young adult and she is not. Noine should date their mum and this is clearly the dynamic.

End it. It's not working for either of you. If you dont, fine, but dont pretend you are an abuse victim because you dont have the guts to make the right decision.

I’d argue that you sound like the problem, it’s not hard to send a text and I suspect you knew ignoring her for two days after a night out would cause something to come to a head - then you could go with this abusive narrative.
I’d be done with you 🤷‍♀️

You can’t even get round to registering at a doctors and you disappear for days on end with no contact

So no, you don’t understand the responsibilities of life or the reality of being an adult.

And it absolutely is her business because this kind of behaviour shows her exactly what you’re going to be like in a long relationship: unreliable.

Blacked out? How much did you drink?
Sounds like you do need to register with a GP

@CallieQ it wasn’t because of drinking it’s medical episodes I’ve had for years now

Surely she's aware of this, then?

It's not manipulative or abusive at all, but you don't sound compatible.

If she doesn't like your lifestyle, you do don't want to change your lifestyle and she doesn't want to relax about it then what more is there to say?

You're not compatible.

It's happens.

She wants someone routine driven who keeps frequent contact and responds to texts as soon as they are sent. She wants someone who is a homebody and enjoys doing stuff during the day and doesn't lay in bed with hangovers.

That isn't who you are.

Neither of you is right or wrong. You're just different people with different priorities.

@GoodChat yeah she is and she used to be really understanding but the last couple of times it’s happened she’s just said she doesn’t care because I don’t help myself apparently (according to her) which makes me feel like crap

You're not suited to each other that's for sure.

You were rude to not send a very quick text.

Sorry but very few people are too ill to do that for a few days.

You do sound extremely full of drama and very childish. She’s right to call a break, you’re not compatible with an adult that has got their life together. By your own words you’ve constantly got something big going on in your life that she needs to be a rock for - she’s already got two kids why would she want another?

Sounds like she doesn’t need an additional child

Not manipulative or abusive. You are just at different stages in your lives with different priorities and sound fundamentally incompatible anyway.

No need to turn it into a weird psychodrama. Just find someone who suits your lifestyle more.

OP you don't sound childish at all. You just don't have the same lifestyle, which is fine.

It's not abusive or manipulative. She's made it clear what she expects in a relationship, and you're not happy with that. You are at different stages in life and are clearly incompatible. She should have realised this by now and so should you. She can't expect you to adopt her lifestyle and you can't expect her to put up with yours. Time to call it a day imo.