To think that this was manipulative/abusive?

[CoffeeandCake879]

I have been dating a woman since the middle of last year - she is a few years older than me and she has children - whereas I haven’t got round to having them yet as I’ve only had one serious relationship before and I’m also very busy with work.

We are very different but when things are going good we get on very well and just bounce off each other. The differences mainly include our lifestyles - for example she is more of a routine person, early nights, doesn’t go out very much which is fine considering the fact that she has got her kids and their dad isn’t involved with them at all whereas because I’m young and don’t have any responsibilities I prefer going out with my friends on nights out etc when I’m not seeing her, but she always gets really annoyed with me when I do.

She says it’s because of the way I behave - she thinks that there is always drama or something happening whenever I go out - there has been a couple of occasions but it isn’t a regular thing in the slightest, and then she gets annoyed when I ‘laze’ about the next day - but the way I think about it, is if I haven’t got a reason to be up early the next morning (day off and no kids) then why should I have to?

I went out a few days ago, I didn’t feel very well afterwards so I didn’t text her until a couple of days later and ever since then she’s hardly spoke to me. I finally confronted her last night and she said that she’s sick of the disappearing acts (I have no clue what she’s going on about there) and something always happening every time I go out and it’s “getting boring now”. She also said that my life feels very “all over the place” to her and it’s causing her a lot of anxiety (I don’t know how?!) and she needs a break from me.

Now this is the bit I’m not sure if it’s manipulation or abusive - she said that she just wishes I could be the person that she needs me to be (organised, in a routine, sleeps properly - I do have sleeping issues that’s not exactly a lie and just basically to sort my shit out - even though I feel I am already doing this but she doesn’t see it).

Is this normal or am I being controlled/manipulated/abused in some way? I don’t exactly have the best track record for spotting the warning signs as my last partner was abusive to me, cheated on me etc, so I just need an outsider perspective?

TIA! X

Just two different people at two different stages of life; with different responsibilities & expectations.
She's clearly looking for something serious & someone stable enough to settle down with ... you aren't there yet.
Two people can love & care about each other; but doesn't make it a good foundation to build a future on.
Personally I'd wish them well, and let them go.

Well she's frustrated that you have blackouts and don't feel well and you've given up trying to find out why. You may be happy to be ill but that's time you don't have for a relationship.

Also she has children and you talk about getting round to having children, without being interested in spending time with hers, let alone parenting them. So you seem to be saying you aren't in this for the long haul - which is maybe what she's looking for.

How do you see this progressing?

Fwiw I think you are not compatible, but you haven't mentioned anything abusive.

She isn't being controlling, just demanding! Expressing what she wants and needs.

To be honest this doesn't sound like the right person for you. You would resent it if you changed for her and become what she wants, and you wouldn't be you any more!

Personally I'd call it a day.

ps - if you're blacking out then you need to go back to the doctor and persist in getting medical treatment.

Does it tend to happen after nights out?

I think you are both in very different places in life and maybe it's time for this relationship to end for both of your sakes.

This.

You really sound like a teenager OP. It's not abuse for someone to get sick of your behaviour. It's quite insulting to suggest it could be.

Sounds like it's starting to feel like she's the adult and you're the child. You not dropping a message when unwell is a little bit pathetic tbh and thoughtless. If I was committing to someone I'd be worried if I didn't hear from then and would find it annoying. You don't sound compatible, find someone who wants the things you want.

You are not suited to each other - she’s got a restricted life due to kids, she’s anxious and a bit controlling by nature and ‘wants you to be the person she needs, eg organised’ - er, no. you’re not that.

No one is being abused here, but you’re just fundamentally not suited, and you should break up, end of.

Break it off with her and find someone else you can have more fun with. Life’s too short for dating to be this hard work.

No it's not wrong. You are perfectly entitled to have a life like that and to enjoy partying and being young.

She is entitled to want a partner who she feels will be more understanding and supportive of her and her children.

Your lifestyles are too different. She probably feels like she's gained another child with you and you feel controlled. It's not healthy for either of you so leave now before it gets worse.

I had a bf that did this. Found out he was a coke head, hence the disappearing acts. Not for me and I got rid. He always had plenty of excuses. I’m anti drugs.

Not saying thats you but I can see your gf getting annoyed and fed up.

Im a party girl and I often go out as its important to make time for my friends. I have a drink etc but I always catch up with my fella when home and the next day whatever alcohol state I was in the night before. I would never ever leave it two days

It's not controling, it's incompatibility.

Seriously though if you are too ill to even send text messages, you need medical investigation.

I know someone who sounds like what you are describing, turns out they had diabetes. (I thought they just drank too much) Very ill after night's out even when not drinking much but their diet went out the window at weekends are their body paid the price.

She wants a mutally supportive partner.

Not sure what you want.

I actually agree with your partner OP. If my DP went more than 24 hours without making contact, I'd be really upset (and I'm not high maintenance), just a check in would do but not doing that is selfish. Also, my DP kept putting off signing up to a GP's until he was too unwell and needed to see a doctor and wasn't signed up. Guess who had to go through all of the rigmarole? That's why she wants you to do it, because she knows that if you become unwell, she'll have to sort it out.

I went out a few days ago, I didn’t feel very well afterwards so I didn’t text her until a couple of days later

she said that she’s sick of the disappearing acts (I have no clue what she’s going on about there)

So you disappeared for a couple of days and yet you have no clue why she is sick of your disappearing acts?

You are incompatible. Sounds like she’s kicked you to the kerb, respect her wishes and leave her alone.

1. You've been together 5 minutes.

1. You've already had a few episodes of something going on when out and drunk.

1. You go off the radar after drinking and don't make contact for days.

1. You're being irresponsible and not registering with a GP, anything could happen to you and then what?

All of the above is for someone living the single life! You are both not compatible.