DH and gaming - is this normal?

[Slitherie]

DH is obsesssd with an online game. He plays on it every night after work until 7pm and then again from 10pm until midnight.

On days when he isn’t at work (like today) he’ll play on it all day until I natter him enough to get off it.

Today I was waiting for him as we had to go out. Started asking him at 9am. 11:30am he’s still sat on that fucking game. We eventually manage to get out after I stand next to him with my shoes on and car keys in hand until he turned it off.

We got home at 12:30 - straight back on the game. I went to do some decorating, I came down at 4:30 to find he hasn’t even fed the dogs despite them both complaining at him. I do that. 5pm I tell him i need the PC - he says he needs another half hour.

I eventually get on pc at 5pm … at 6pm he’s back asking me if he can go back on. I go and make dinner whilst he’s on his game. We eat dinner together at 7pm. As soon as dinner is finished he’s back on his game. He’s been on it all fucking day!!!

We had planned to watch a film … I’m sat here with the title screen on pause waiting for him. He keeps saying he’s “nearly finished”.

Would you tolerate this? To add contact, he does work full time.

My ex husband was like this. I also knpw other people whos relationships broke down due to excessive gaming.
Dp likes gaming but i made it clear at the beginning that i would not tolerate excessive gaming where it interfered with our relationship

After my divorce one the most important characteristics I looked for in a man was for him not to be a gamer. You have my sympathy OP. Even on holiday my ex would bring a gameboy so he didn't miss out on gaming. It was very dull for me. Let him know how you feel and put boundaries in place.

I felt like this about sport - especially football and snooker. I would actually prefer a gamer over that any day. But I guess the key thing is when it becomes an obsession. No one wants that whatever it is.

No, it isn't normal, but if it's Rust I can probably contextualise to help you understand (although I don't agree with and am not excusing!) how he's approaching it. I've played a little bit but don't care for it at all, and DP used to play a bit when he was younger but stopped because of how time intensive it could be.

Rust is a survival/pvp game where you start with nothing and have to build up resources to create a base, then defend it from other people who try to steal your stuff and leave you with nothing. You can go out and raid other people's bases etc and it can become very all consuming.

The servers have a regular reset day (usually weekly IME but could be other time frames) which means you start on reset day and have a week to create the best base you can. After the week, it all gets wiped, and you start again from scratch.

The main issue is it doesn't stop when you log off. If you log off to sleep, or to take a night off midweek, people can come and raid your base and leave you with nothing at all to show for the time you've ploughed in, so people can get really intense about staying online to, as they see it, protect their time investment. If you've spent the best part of a week creating a base etc and someone comes and wipes it out you're pretty much done on that server for the week. So then people spend time on the sandbox servers learning how to build stronger bases, strategies etc to stop it happening again. it can be a very addictive game for some people.

Of course it shouldn't be impacting daily life like this. If he can't handle a game which basically incentivises you to be online 24/7, and approach it sensibly and balance it with family life, he needs to stop playing and find something else because it won't get any better.

Gaming isn't inherently a bad thing, but completely checking out of real life to run around stealing and defending pixels absolutely is.

That game does sound like one I'd avoid just because to do it well you need to be online all the time. Which doesn't work with jobs and rest of life.

Thank you so much for this, it really helps to get some context as to why he’s on it so much and that does help to explain it. I had a word with him about it all last night and I opted out this morning to find him repainting all the ceilings 😂

My DH is a gamer, has been since a child, it is definitely very addictive and needs managing. When we first got together he was taking a break from it as it was having a negative impact on his life, he never said but I think it was a big problem with his ex. He probably stayed away from it for a good 10 years (his choice). He has ADHD and he can forget the rest of the world exists if he’s not careful. He’s back gaming, our DCs enjoy it so he mainly plays with them. Occasionally when he’s stressed he will zone out for a night on it, it definitely dosnt dominate his life.

The amount of time doing anything is the issue, not that it is gaming.

If he spent half that time gaming and half out cycling, it still leaves the same problem in that you aren't spending quality time together.

In that respect I would tackle this as the issue rather than painting the gaming as a problem, paint the lack of shared quality time as the problem otherwise you are just attacking his "outlet" which won't usually lead to a positive chat.

Personally, it sounds like he possibly is addicted to the game but I just don't see pressing that angle as being constructive.

I guess it doesn't matter if its 'normal' or not, it's about whether it's working for you. In defence of gamers, I do feel some people are very biased and do not consider gaming a worthy hobby.
Ask yourself honestly if you would feel the same if he was sitting reading a book or watching TV. You wanted to watch a film together (alongside?). You might have spent a few hours on social media or scrolling through Mumsnet How is gaming different?

I do wonder how couples find themselves in this situation though. You've said your children are adults now. Could it be you had very different ideas of what 'mature' life would entail. He's thinking he has more free time to do what he wants (gaming), you were hoping to do more together. I do think though that if you would like him to get off the game it needs to be something he prefers. 25ish years ago when you got together gaming didn't exist so you could not have anticipated this or had discussions around it. Maybe in another 25 years time wives will be complaining that their OHs only have sex with their AI Sexbot!
I don't know what the answer is. I don't think it's nagging. Have a chat n see what he wants out of life. Maybe start with 'lm disappointed we've turned out boring'. If he's perfectly happy then you need to make a decision. If you're in your 50s you've hopefully got a long time to go and personally, I'd want more but I couldn't think of anything more disheartening than dragging a reluctant husband around an Easter Fete because 'we never do anything together'

My exh is an ex for a reason. Gaming did my head in!

Bet its Civilisation

I'm not a gamer but I've lived with 2 blokes who were. I also had a husband who used to read profusely and played on line chess. Last boyfriend played golf every Saturday (all day) plus numerous weekends away/social events around his hobby. My first boyfriend was in a band. All were time consuming but all 'duties' were met.
I'd get irritated with all of them at times because I wanted company but I didn't value any hobby/interest lesser than the others or 'unhealthy'.
The amount of time OPs OH spends does seem a lot, but I know loads of people who literally watch 40hrs plus of TV a week but that's socially acceptable. I also know a few overweight people that seem to view food as a hobby, now that's unhealthy.

My point is I'm not a gamer but I will defend it as a legitimate passtime

I play a very similar game to Rust (Ark). If your husband is really enjoying the game but the intensity is harming your relationship then it could be worth suggesting he starts his own local sever.

I play Ark locally now so when I stop playing then it pauses the game. When you're playing on a PVP server you have to get yourself in a good place to stop and you've constantly got this thought in the back of your mind wondering if all your stuff will still be there when you log back in. I remember probably logging something like 200 hours on it one time only for some dinosaur to come along and destroy all my stuff 😅. That was it. Literally gone forever.

Yes I had a BF who would randomly say i need to 'check my bases'. He also knew the public holidays for other countries and would factor this in when timing an attack. I'd also hear about how they were destroyed because 'Heinriks' wife would let him on line for 20mins mid dinner for a coordinated manoeuvre!

Ahhhhhhhh Rust.

Banned in this house because DP was doing exactly the same sort of thing and getting VERY shitty when real life got in the way of gaming, and when kiddies would come and steal all his in game stuff.

So i said no, games need to fit around real life and NOT the other way round - otherwise real life suffers, becomes shitty and stressful, then the game world becomes more appealing as an escape and it is a vicious cycle.

So we play what I suspect real gamers think of as a very daft game, Hustle Castle, where most things can be done in ten minutes, you can dip in and out (I am doing so right now and I am also at work!), theres some social element (we're both part of the same clan) but it is NOT all consuming, it is not something where if we leave it for a day, all is lost.

This works for us - might not work for all (and before some sniper comes to tell me its inappropriate for anyone to ban their partner from doing something - fuck off, thanks!) but it does work for us. Games are great, but they HAVE to fit into real life - all consuming real time gaming that is on-going even if you're off-line are a slippery slope and difficult for many to manage.

What game is it? It must be really good!

It does sound like a proper addiction. Might want to get him to rehab.
go to the U.K. Addiction Treatment website or call 08082581918

I asked my son, who has a wide knowledge of online games, about Rust. He was very disparaging about it, called it "toxic". So I've had a look at the reviews on Steam... these are typical of many of the reviews...

"Honestly, in my almost 3000 hours of playing this game, I can say without a doubt, this game is absolutely great if u want to get brain damage, become racist, have no free time and kill yourself.This game is a job.If u are not online 24/7, you will most likely get offline raided by a bunch of retarded kids"

"If you like:
Having friends
Having a loving family
Having a social life
Being healthy
Having a good sleep schedule
Not being racist
Then this game is not for you"