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Original poster

DH and gaming - is this normal?

93 replies

Slitherie · 07/04/2023 20:23

DH is obsesssd with an online game. He plays on it every night after work until 7pm and then again from 10pm until midnight.

On days when he isn’t at work (like today) he’ll play on it all day until I natter him enough to get off it.

Today I was waiting for him as we had to go out. Started asking him at 9am. 11:30am he’s still sat on that fucking game. We eventually manage to get out after I stand next to him with my shoes on and car keys in hand until he turned it off.

We got home at 12:30 - straight back on the game. I went to do some decorating, I came down at 4:30 to find he hasn’t even fed the dogs despite them both complaining at him. I do that. 5pm I tell him i need the PC - he says he needs another half hour.

I eventually get on pc at 5pm … at 6pm he’s back asking me if he can go back on. I go and make dinner whilst he’s on his game. We eat dinner together at 7pm. As soon as dinner is finished he’s back on his game. He’s been on it all fucking day!!!

We had planned to watch a film … I’m sat here with the title screen on pause waiting for him. He keeps saying he’s “nearly finished”.

Would you tolerate this? To add contact, he does work full time.

OP posts:
Xrays · 07/04/2023 20:46

Difficult one if you have no kids around. I mean I’d be annoyed if he didn’t offer to help with the decorating and yeah he should have fed the dogs, but at the same time if he’s working full time and that’s his way of relaxing then does it matter? The only thing that would annoy me is having to share the pc with him, I’d be saving to get another one or buying a proper games console (money permitting). My dh loves the Xbox and would happily spend all day on it but then I love to knit and would spend all day doing that if I could…! We have dc though so we can’t do that, maybe just a couple of hours over the weekend in between doing stuff. But yeah if the kids weren’t around we’d probably just do our own thing all day! People are very judgey about gaming but it’s just a hobby like anything else.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 07/04/2023 20:48

Single, no children, never been in to gaming or had a partner who was - but the rabbit holes I can fall down when I go on tiktok, YouTube, forums etc 🥺. I know addiction when I see it.

Original poster
Slitherie · 07/04/2023 20:50

I game (The Sims) but I don’t play during the week and I’ll play a couple of hours on a weekend. It’s not the gaming I have an issue with, it’s the extent of it. It’s been getting worse for a couple of years now and it’s worse than ever right now

It’s not COD, I don’t even know what it is, looks like he just runs around collecting stuff and building a fortress type thing

OP posts:
PhotoDad · 07/04/2023 20:52

That sounds ridiculous, and I'm a gamer! The trouble with online games is that they don't really end, and it's hard to quit whenever you want if you're involved in something with other people.

I'll admit to "losing" whole days in my holidays playing a game (Witcher 3, I'm looking at you) but only when that fits around family commitments (and I check with everyone in advance, as anyone would with a whole-day hobby).

junebirthdaygirl · 07/04/2023 21:00

I thought he was about 25 but with adult children this is very strange carry on. That age group didn't grow up gaming . My ds did that sort of thing at 18/ 19 but soon grew out of it. Can ye talk about it when he is actually off it?

PhotoDad · 07/04/2023 21:04

junebirthdaygirl · 07/04/2023 21:00

I thought he was about 25 but with adult children this is very strange carry on. That age group didn't grow up gaming . My ds did that sort of thing at 18/ 19 but soon grew out of it. Can ye talk about it when he is actually off it?

I'm 51 and I absolutely grew up gaming on 8-bit computers. Haven't grown out of it yet and have spent some fantastic time playing computer games (and indeed boardgames) with my kids.

Abcdefgh1234 · 07/04/2023 21:07

My DH is a gamer and he is working as UI designer for games. So he actually making games for living. He needs to keep up with the industry so he plays a lot. We got scheduled for him to play. Every other day after works play until whatever he wants, usually finished at 11. But when he is not in hi ‘play day’ we usually do something as a family. I dont mind this at all as i need my me time watching my drama series🥹

Wonnle · 07/04/2023 21:34

WulyJmpr · 07/04/2023 20:32

Sounds like the beginnings of gaming addiction

I'd say it already is

bunfightcentral · 07/04/2023 21:46

It sounds like RoK 😂. I play it and it's a complete time drain and huge social thing. Be careful though. Lots of weirdness on there if I'm assuming correctly. It just sounds like totally the patterns of some players I see. It's absorbing and very demanding.

Not something I'd play if I wasn't single and filling time.

Original poster
Slitherie · 07/04/2023 21:49

bunfightcentral · 07/04/2023 21:46

It sounds like RoK 😂. I play it and it's a complete time drain and huge social thing. Be careful though. Lots of weirdness on there if I'm assuming correctly. It just sounds like totally the patterns of some players I see. It's absorbing and very demanding.

Not something I'd play if I wasn't single and filling time.

What does Rok stand for?

OP posts:
bunfightcentral · 07/04/2023 21:52

Rise of Kingdoms. The designers recently released a new version called Call of Dragons which may be taking his attention if it is a RoK habit. Both are also highly expensive games if you really play. Watch the money being spent.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 07/04/2023 21:57

This is the problem with online games, or any game with no end - I had to talk to DH a couple of times about Championship/Football Manager and later WoW.

I've done it as well, but with single player games where you complete the story and that's it, so it's time limited (I don't get obsessed about getting all achievements). And it's the reason I never played LotRO.

bunfightcentral · 07/04/2023 22:03

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair very accurate. A game is a hobby if that's your thing, and any hobby should never be at the expense of money you can't afford, family or social time, or obligations you have to the people around you and yourself. Games like RoK are very demanding time wise and can easily encroach on other parts of life, wrongly if not kept in perspective.

GrumpyPanda · 07/04/2023 22:09

So he games, and you run around playing the fucking maid to him? I assume you also work since kids have flown the nest. I'd simply not bother cooking for him and start living my own life- you're single for all practical purposes anyway. You made a good start with the film.

Cheapcookies · 07/04/2023 22:12

I game but usually an hour or two every few days, occasionally every day but not a lot. I do this when DC are asleep, work is done, house clean. Then I turn it off and spend time with DH.

Your DH sounds addicted and that this is getting in the way of your relationship. Ask him to keep it to an hour per day.

Hollyoaksisshit · 07/04/2023 22:16

Nope, it's selfish, boring and deeply unattractive, my fanny would clamp shut and I would be looking to leave, sorry OP.

Thack · 07/04/2023 22:22

That is worrying, it is an addiction and needs addressing.

My DH is a gamer. It is possible to have a healthy life balance. You DH sounds like he needs help.

bunfightcentral · 07/04/2023 22:24

@Hollyoaksisshit I think that's a bit unfair if you take into consideration lockdown and some of the habits people might have picked up they otherwise might not have. You likely have some interests or hobbies some people might find an immense turn off. But as I said, you should still be able to prioritise. The game I play, easily demands daily contribution and commitment from players. It's an online community more than a game. I just prioritise. Perspective.

Teapleasebobb · 07/04/2023 22:27

Dh is a gamer but this is very extreme! I wouldn't be happy about this

burnoutbabe · 07/04/2023 22:27

I'm a gamer, I work in the games industry and for last few weekends both me and Boyfriend have mostly played Hogwarts legacy in separate rooms. But we agreed that is what we wanted to do and with no kids we can please ourselves. But we stop at 6 and one or other of us picks a movie and we watch together.

He just sounds addicted or just doesn't care about his life with you. Not at all good.

But this could be any hobby -football or golf or cycling etc. just happens to be gaming.

LisaD1 · 07/04/2023 22:30

No it’s not normal and not a life I’d settle for. My DH games but never at the expense of family/us. He had about an hour today I think whilst I dozed in the sunshine, other than that we both went to our individual hobbies this morning, walked our dogs, went out for a few hours, had dinner, watched tv. No way would a game dictate our lives!

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 07/04/2023 22:34

bunfightcentral · 07/04/2023 22:03

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair very accurate. A game is a hobby if that's your thing, and any hobby should never be at the expense of money you can't afford, family or social time, or obligations you have to the people around you and yourself. Games like RoK are very demanding time wise and can easily encroach on other parts of life, wrongly if not kept in perspective.

DH's gaming tended to be a problem when he was stressed. It's an escape. I'm more likely to disappear into a book perhaps.

Therealjudgejudy · 07/04/2023 22:35

He sounds totally addicted

TheStrangestTimes · 07/04/2023 22:36

I was married to a gamer. It killed the attraction I had for him... Just endless hours of him glued to the sofa during evenings and weekends (when he wasn't working, basically). It was dull, dull, dull being married to someone like that. In the end I think I just viewed him as a little boy that couldn't put his toys down and found it to be quite pathetic. Unless they realise they have an addiction and are willing to do something about it, it doesn't get resolved.

I remember being in the kitchen making dinner. It would be ready and I'd call him when I was serving up. Honestly, it was like calling for a child that was playing with his toys to let them know it was dinnertime. Several minutes later, call out again. And again. As with your movie, OP, I would often eat alone.

OP, I hope he bucks his ideas up. Relationships at all stages need nurturing - too much time on tech kills the sex and romance in my opinion.

Good luck, and hope you've enjoyed your movie anyway x

PhotoDad · 07/04/2023 22:50

Thinking of positive ways forward.... I do really think that massively multiplayer games are the worst for this, because you're so often doing something that requires lots of people, and leaving midway is a real problem. (Like going home halfway through a team sport of some kind, but where you don't know how long the match will be!) Can you talk to him about it, but take the line that what's most annoying you is the inability to stop when needed?

If it were me, I'd push the line that maybe he should instead catch up with all the incredible single-player games he's missed. It's normally possible to pause those as and when needed!