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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH and gaming - is this normal?

93 replies

Slitherie · 07/04/2023 20:23

DH is obsesssd with an online game. He plays on it every night after work until 7pm and then again from 10pm until midnight.

On days when he isn’t at work (like today) he’ll play on it all day until I natter him enough to get off it.

Today I was waiting for him as we had to go out. Started asking him at 9am. 11:30am he’s still sat on that fucking game. We eventually manage to get out after I stand next to him with my shoes on and car keys in hand until he turned it off.

We got home at 12:30 - straight back on the game. I went to do some decorating, I came down at 4:30 to find he hasn’t even fed the dogs despite them both complaining at him. I do that. 5pm I tell him i need the PC - he says he needs another half hour.

I eventually get on pc at 5pm … at 6pm he’s back asking me if he can go back on. I go and make dinner whilst he’s on his game. We eat dinner together at 7pm. As soon as dinner is finished he’s back on his game. He’s been on it all fucking day!!!

We had planned to watch a film … I’m sat here with the title screen on pause waiting for him. He keeps saying he’s “nearly finished”.

Would you tolerate this? To add contact, he does work full time.

OP posts:
Carlycat · 07/04/2023 23:01

He's a gaming addict.
I'd find this deeply unattractive in a man. You're single for all intents and purposes. I'd crack on with my life and leave him to his desperately sad, antisocial, mind numbingly boring existence

Fantasmagoricalan · 07/04/2023 23:06

This is appalling. And why you couldn’t pay me to be with a gamer.

He needs to sort his shit out.

bunfightcentral · 07/04/2023 23:06

@Carlycat this I find deeply ignorant and amusing. I'm quite sure many people would find your interests equally mind numbing and unattractive. The point that's being missed entirely in your post is perspective. Anyone can find any normal hobby entertaining as long as it's kept in it's appropriate time available box, without encroaching. Any other judgements on what people might find entertaining I find a bit crude, unhelpful and limited tbh.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 07/04/2023 23:20

I love gaming. I play coc and clash Royale constantly. It's not doing any harm. Maybe try playing with him ? Don't write it off.

CastlesinSpain · 07/04/2023 23:57

PhotoDad · 07/04/2023 21:04

I'm 51 and I absolutely grew up gaming on 8-bit computers. Haven't grown out of it yet and have spent some fantastic time playing computer games (and indeed boardgames) with my kids.

Show quote history

I am 70 and love gaming - DH has no interest in computer games at all. I first started playing in the mid 1970s when someone sneaked a copy of Collossal Cave Adventure onto one of our work mainframe computers.

However I have never enjoyed MMOs. They can be very addictive and as people often play as part of a team there can be a lot of pressure not to let your team down as someone above has mentioned.

If he's not into single player games perhaps he could be encouraged to try co-op games where you just play online with one or two others and can schedule sessions so as not to interfere with RL? My son and I play these - an hour or two about every other day.

Rummikub · 08/04/2023 00:10

Greensleevevssnotnose · 07/04/2023 23:20

I love gaming. I play coc and clash Royale constantly. It's not doing any harm. Maybe try playing with him ? Don't write it off.

What if they want to
play 24/7? I think it dies down harm to opt out of family life to game to that extent.

I liked the pp suggestion of every other day. It has a limit then.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/04/2023 00:49

That’s addiction rather a hobby/ something he enjoys. Definitely not normal

Fantasmagoricalan · 08/04/2023 06:39

Greensleevevssnotnose · 07/04/2023 23:20

I love gaming. I play coc and clash Royale constantly. It's not doing any harm. Maybe try playing with him ? Don't write it off.

How can anyone encourage someone to ‘join in’ with someone who’s got a clear addiction? Who is putting this stupid game above literally all else?

It’s such an unhealthy pastime like this, he’s completely lost control.

But then you always get defensive gamers on these threads.

Original poster
Slitherie · 08/04/2023 06:47

Greensleevevssnotnose · 07/04/2023 23:20

I love gaming. I play coc and clash Royale constantly. It's not doing any harm. Maybe try playing with him ? Don't write it off.

Because I don’t want to spend hours upon hours staring at a game? I have my own game I play (for a couple of hours a week). Plus who would have done the 4 hours of decorating today if we were both glued to the PC?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/04/2023 06:51

If he doesn’t want to spend any time with you then it’s an issue: he seems to have checked out of his relationship and into something else taking all his attentions

Codlingmoths · 08/04/2023 06:52

Why don’t you just start going out at the time you meant to without him, cooking dinner for one or taking yourself out for dinner etc? Then in a few weeks point out you live a solo life and if it’s staying that way wiht nothing happening that you don’t make happen, you’d rather not carry on deluding yourself that you have a partner and let’s just make it official? I’ll tell people he gamed all day and all night and I was just on my own anyway. This way if I’m on my own I know if I don’t feed the dogs nobody will, instead of kidding myself I’m not solely responsible for everything as you are here too. You are not here and haven’t been for some time and I’m done asking you when you will be off the computer so we can have a life or even just get something done.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 08/04/2023 06:55

bunfightcentral · 07/04/2023 23:06

@Carlycat this I find deeply ignorant and amusing. I'm quite sure many people would find your interests equally mind numbing and unattractive. The point that's being missed entirely in your post is perspective. Anyone can find any normal hobby entertaining as long as it's kept in it's appropriate time available box, without encroaching. Any other judgements on what people might find entertaining I find a bit crude, unhelpful and limited tbh.

Have you read @Carlycat’s post? She says

He's a gaming addict.
I'd find this deeply unattractive in a man. You're single for all intents and purposes. I'd crack on with my life and leave him to his desperately sad, antisocial, mind numbingly boring existence

What’s ‘deeply ignorant’ about saying he’s a gaming addict - he clearly is?

MathsNervous · 08/04/2023 07:00

My eldest likes Elder Scrolls. Could be that.

Original poster
Slitherie · 08/04/2023 07:08

MathsNervous · 08/04/2023 07:00

My eldest likes Elder Scrolls. Could be that.

No it’s not that, it’s called Rust I think?

OP posts:
CaptainCorellisBagpipes · 08/04/2023 07:13

He's an addict.

When you are involved with an addict it always takes priority over everything.

You don't have a marriage OP, so if you divorce him there won't be much difference to your lifestyle.

I don't usually rush to say LTB, but in this caser I'll make an exception 🙄

AlexisR · 08/04/2023 07:25

I'm a gamer, I play games pretty regularly and have a couple of consoles. Games are in many ways just another hobby, but they are also designed to be addictive and keep you coming back for more. So in that way, they are a bit different.

Many children, and adults with addictive tendencies, need to carefully monitor the amount of time they spend on them because they can just become too absorbing to the exclusion of everything else in their lives.

Your DH seems to lack an awareness/ insight into this. He is playing this game to the exclusion of all else in his life, even giving you any attention and feeding his pets.

It sounds like your husband has no real sense of prioritisation and he certainly isn't prioritising you.

I'm interested though in whether this has happened in the past with other games, or is there just somethign about this particular game?

I sometimes get a particular game that I just love, and I will be a bit addicted for a short time and want to get onto it a lot. It's OK because as soon as I finish the game it passes, and I'm also pretty boundaried about it so I make sure to spend time with my DH etc.

I really think this just needs a conversation with him about the impact it's having on you and your relationship, and whether this is going to be a long term thing or whether he'll move on when he's got over this particular game.

Original poster
Slitherie · 08/04/2023 07:27

AlexisR · 08/04/2023 07:25

I'm a gamer, I play games pretty regularly and have a couple of consoles. Games are in many ways just another hobby, but they are also designed to be addictive and keep you coming back for more. So in that way, they are a bit different.

Many children, and adults with addictive tendencies, need to carefully monitor the amount of time they spend on them because they can just become too absorbing to the exclusion of everything else in their lives.

Your DH seems to lack an awareness/ insight into this. He is playing this game to the exclusion of all else in his life, even giving you any attention and feeding his pets.

It sounds like your husband has no real sense of prioritisation and he certainly isn't prioritising you.

I'm interested though in whether this has happened in the past with other games, or is there just somethign about this particular game?

I sometimes get a particular game that I just love, and I will be a bit addicted for a short time and want to get onto it a lot. It's OK because as soon as I finish the game it passes, and I'm also pretty boundaried about it so I make sure to spend time with my DH etc.

I really think this just needs a conversation with him about the impact it's having on you and your relationship, and whether this is going to be a long term thing or whether he'll move on when he's got over this particular game.

He’s always been a gamer but he discovered this game around 3 years ago and the addiction to it has just got worse and worse in those 3 years.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 08/04/2023 07:41

Do you ever call him out on it?

It's rude behaviour. Not one of a loving, functional relationship.

adularia · 08/04/2023 07:48

Mine’s the same - worse actually - and we have young DC. The game is irrelevant, it changes every now and again but the level of addiction is the same.

AlexisR · 08/04/2023 08:43

@Slitherie Yeah I think if it's been 3 years that's a pretty ridiculous amount of time for him to be hooked on a game to the exclusion of his relationship.

I guess it's up to you really whether you do anything about it. In this situation nothing will change if you are not assertive, unfortunately, as he's already shown that he is not going to prioritise you himself.

Not sure I could stay in a relationship where I had to ask/ tell my partner to give me his time and attention.

AlexisR · 08/04/2023 08:53

Just looked up the game Rust OP, it does look like the kind of game that people tend to get very absorbed by. That combination of survival and fighting/ military stuff seems to have a massive pull, especially for a lot of teenage boys and men.

I think the type of game it is says a lot. This is a very macho, aggressive sort of game about hunting and surviving and killing, and he's spending a lot of his life playing it. Why?

I know these games are super popular but I just wonder what kind of personality is so drawn to games like this that they play them instead of participating in real life. And it is a substantial amount of his life he is investing in this gritty, unpleasant virtual world, it's not like he's watching a violent tv show for an hour. This is massive amounts of his day.

The games I play are creative and positive. This is military, hunting and guns. I suppose you could say a small amount of creativity in crafting but not much.

I might be way off the mark but I'd just be wondering if a person drawn to this, and completely ignoring me in the process, was someone I wanted to be with.

motherofkevinnotperry · 08/04/2023 09:07

I've not read the thread but I have a similar problem but not as severe as yours.

I have had to stage an intervention and told DH if he continues to put games before his family he's out. It's worked so far.

While I don't game our DC do and they've all expressed concern over dh's attitude and behaviour around his gaming. I find it highly unattractive and it's really causing huge problems in our marriage.

In short no I wouldn't accept what's happening in your house because it's not a relationship anymore. The minute one half checks out it's not acceptable. Relationships take 2 people to make it work, both require their needs to be met. J

motherofkevinnotperry · 08/04/2023 09:16

Oh and I've insisted anything house or children related he involves himself in. He's my husband, my equal and if he lives with me he does his fair share of the adult load.

The post that said it was like having another child isn't wrong. It took one week of him not engaging in mealtime and household tasks because of his obsession and I'd had enough. 3 years is insanity and just plain miserable. What are you getting out of being with him? You're practically single.

Mumma · 08/04/2023 09:19

DP is a gamer but he will only game when im out of the house or if ive gone to bed. When we are both available its family time together.

Chevrotains · 08/04/2023 09:23

I'm a gamer, but I certainly don't have time to even game remotely that much as a single person, living alone... I definitely wouldn't be having that, it's excessive and ridiculous. I wouldn't have been cooking him dinner... no doubt you do everything around the house as well Hmm nah, wouldn't be having it