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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask if anyone has procrastinated so much mucking around on MN that they

83 replies

TheProcrastinatorer · 07/04/2023 17:41

lost their job or their home or had some other catasatrophe?

This is me right now. I should be working. I can't because I'm caught in some MN proscratinating worm hole.

It is possible to chain myself up so I don't log on here. Deleting my account won't help as I'll just lurk....

OP posts:
foulksmills · 07/04/2023 18:17

You can block websites.

RosesInWater · 07/04/2023 18:20

YouTube shorts that match my algorithms are addictive for me. I obviously have a short attention span but could (do) spend hours watching.😂

easycomeasygo · 07/04/2023 18:22

Not quite but I did get called in by a Senior manager for a blocking many years ago as I'd been ranting about my immediate boss on a pregnancy due date chat in my lunch break.
IT has picked up the word 'wanker' and flagged it.
Big boss said he wouldn't take it any further as I was pregnant ( and I think he secretly thought the same about immediate boss).
I was mortified...

BertieBotts · 07/04/2023 18:31

People are going to lynch me but... Have you looked at the criteria for adult ADHD?

I only ask because if you're genuinely serious, yes, I nearly lost my home and had social services intervention, if you'd asked me at the time I might well have said it was because I couldn't get off MN. Actually I had really bad undiagnosed/untreated ADHD (inattentive kind) and this causes all the other issues, but one specific way it manifests for me is it makes computer forums ridiculously addictive. (This is apparently because ADHD is a crap name, as it's not a lack of attention, it's an inability to regulate where you're spending your attention.)

The thing is it doesn't actually matter if I ban myself from one site, I just find another. If I don't have internet I just play games on my phone or computer. If I can't do that then I watch literally whatever is on telly. If I don't have access to telly then I'll read. If I have nothing to read, I might get really into some project but honestly if there is absolutely nothing I would just go to sleep rather than do the normal things that you have to do to be an adult. It's infuriating.

I am hoping medication will help me with this because it's by far the most debilitating symptom, I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's real for me.

TheProcrastinatorer · 07/04/2023 23:23

The thing is it doesn't actually matter if I ban myself from one site, I just find another.

@BertieBotts this sounds just like me. If I want to work avoid, I'll find something.

I'm sorry that you nearly lost your home I was joking really beccause I'm proscrastinating horribly and it makes me feel sick.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 08/04/2023 08:24

It might genuinely be worth looking into ADHD. I had never considered it because I assumed you had to be hyperactive and I'm really not - but it turns out there is another variant which is less well known (well, it's getting talked about more now) which manifests more in disorganisation, poor time management, struggle with keeping attention on the thing you're meant to be doing etc.

Basically everything where I was looking around me and going "Why the fuck can't I just do this? I must be a total failure at life" - keeping house clean/tidy, keeping up with daily routines that didn't absolutely have to be done (I wouldn't get my toddler/self dressed on days we weren't going out for example), being late to everything, forgetting stuff, getting places and realising I hadn't brushed my hair or my teeth or put on deodorant.

The house thing came about because I was basically terrified of reading my post because I used to put it off for ages and then by the time I did I'd realise I was meant to return some form or another weeks ago, or I'd open it and then leave it in a pile and not do this perfectly simple thing which really needed to be done, so I'd get another letter hassling me to do it - I developed this huge anxiety over it basically, so I missed a letter from my landlord saying he wanted to come and do an inspection and he turned up on my doorstep and the house was an absolute tip.

That was twofold, because if I'd known he was coming then I would obviously have tidied up, so it was extra bad, but also, I would have struggled to tidy it up sufficiently even if I had had notice, because I was constantly always behind on the housework, had way too much stuff (didn't realise this) and very bad at encouraging DS1 normal tidy up routines that most people do.

Every time I get into a good habit it only takes some small thing to disrupt it and it's totally gone, all the progress I've made and I have to start again at day one of the new habit building (without any of the enthusiasm and excitement that usually accompanies a new habit).

Not everyone has the same presentation - some people can keep their house tidy but struggle with impulse spending, some people can get places on time (often only by being obsessively early), some people figured out the routine thing early on and are totally rigid about them.

If it feels out of control it might be more than a bad habit is what I mean and it might be worth looking into. (Or maybe you need a different job!)

Cellotapedispenser · 08/04/2023 08:31

I am nearly 50 and recently got diagnosed with adhd because my ds was diagnosed and the traits were so ridiculously similar I just had to know. As PP have said although I hold down a relatively snr job and seem to manage to drag up two dc , the house looks like student digs. I just cannot get it organised and yes, it would help if I wasn't addicted to tiktok. I did read that it's the lack of dopamine reward for the never ending repetitive tedium that is tidying, cleaning, laundry, folding, wiping. Laughing at cats falling off sofas is much more fun.

TheProcrastinatorer · 08/04/2023 13:15

@BertieBotts @Cellotapedispenser

what are the sypmtoms of this? are there any resources you can point me in a direction of? or online preliminary diagnosis tests ? (i get that an online test will never be 100% accurate but as an idea)

what's the point of a diagnosis? can anything be done to help/treat it or is it just being aware of it helps?

OP posts:
TokyoStories · 08/04/2023 14:19

BertieBotts · 08/04/2023 08:24

It might genuinely be worth looking into ADHD. I had never considered it because I assumed you had to be hyperactive and I'm really not - but it turns out there is another variant which is less well known (well, it's getting talked about more now) which manifests more in disorganisation, poor time management, struggle with keeping attention on the thing you're meant to be doing etc.

Basically everything where I was looking around me and going "Why the fuck can't I just do this? I must be a total failure at life" - keeping house clean/tidy, keeping up with daily routines that didn't absolutely have to be done (I wouldn't get my toddler/self dressed on days we weren't going out for example), being late to everything, forgetting stuff, getting places and realising I hadn't brushed my hair or my teeth or put on deodorant.

The house thing came about because I was basically terrified of reading my post because I used to put it off for ages and then by the time I did I'd realise I was meant to return some form or another weeks ago, or I'd open it and then leave it in a pile and not do this perfectly simple thing which really needed to be done, so I'd get another letter hassling me to do it - I developed this huge anxiety over it basically, so I missed a letter from my landlord saying he wanted to come and do an inspection and he turned up on my doorstep and the house was an absolute tip.

That was twofold, because if I'd known he was coming then I would obviously have tidied up, so it was extra bad, but also, I would have struggled to tidy it up sufficiently even if I had had notice, because I was constantly always behind on the housework, had way too much stuff (didn't realise this) and very bad at encouraging DS1 normal tidy up routines that most people do.

Every time I get into a good habit it only takes some small thing to disrupt it and it's totally gone, all the progress I've made and I have to start again at day one of the new habit building (without any of the enthusiasm and excitement that usually accompanies a new habit).

Not everyone has the same presentation - some people can keep their house tidy but struggle with impulse spending, some people can get places on time (often only by being obsessively early), some people figured out the routine thing early on and are totally rigid about them.

If it feels out of control it might be more than a bad habit is what I mean and it might be worth looking into. (Or maybe you need a different job!)

This is me. Every morning I get up and think ‘today is going to be different’ but it never is. I can’t seem to organise myself no matter what I do. Every task is painful. My post sits on the floor for weeks until I can’t stand it anymore and then feel completely overwhelmed and break down.

I leave everything until the last minute and then somehow manage to push through it but it feels agonising. Most days I go to bed feeling so annoyed with myself and like such a failure.

I can’t seem to manage to put anything away or do anything as I go along, so I leave a trail of mess everywhere (I live alone) that I have to deal with later and makes me want to cry. I can never find anything. Drawers and cupboards are filled with things in a haphazard way and things often fall out when I open them. They all need clearing out as they’re full of years of things that serve no purpose but haven’t got around to sorting (I’m not a hoarder). Today I went to get something out of the cupboard and found several empty plastic loo roll wrappers because it obviously felt too much for me to take them to the bin at the time so I just shoved them out the way. It’s embarrassing.

Having said that my house is relatively tidy on the face of it half of the time because mess really stresses me out. It’s just that I don’t get round to tidying up until midnight because something else feels more pressing and then I’m tearing my hair out at 12:30 desperate to go to bed.

I’ve always been like this and assumed I was just lazy even though I don’t want to be.

I’ve been on the ADHD assessment waiting list for almost two years now. I got an email from them recently saying how much of a backlog there is and that they can’t update anyone on waiting times. I’ve been told even if I go private it won’t speed up the process as the NHS won’t issue repeat prescriptions off the back of a private psychiatrist. Is this true? I’m so desperate for help as my life is only getting busier and busier and I’m struggling to cope.

Calling · 22/04/2023 08:13

What techniques or tricks work?

JoDolce · 22/04/2023 08:31

I don't think it's necessarily adhd, but just addiction to phones. The smart phones are meant to be addictive, to draw you in to the many adverts, to make money off you.
I used to be super organised, house always in tip top condition & I never used to like my dh doing the housework as it wasn't done "my way". Now I just don't care about it, am mentally drained when I get home from work so we do it between us, with the help of our ds. But dh does the "men's jobs" too. I'm not doing enough cos I'm being lazy & on my phone, getting behind on things so dh ends up helping. It's these bloody smart phones that are the problem!

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/04/2023 09:49

@BertieBotts

It might genuinely be worth looking into ADHD. I had never considered it because I assumed you had to be hyperactive and I'm really not - but it turns out there is another variant which is less well known (well, it's getting talked about more now) which manifests more in disorganisation, poor time management, struggle with keeping attention on the thing you're meant to be doing etc.

You've basically just described me. This is a real lightbulb moment.

I've managed to overcome this to the extent that I manage my life reasonably well and I am organised enough to keep things ticking over (I've had to be as I'm a lone parent). But in my natural state I'm incredibly disorganised, struggle with focus and getting things done and flit from one thing to another.

And I am horribly addicted to MN. I have never lost a job or even had a bollocking over it. But I could have written a book with the time I've pissed away on AIBU. It's a fairly benign addiction but just a massive time vacuum.

How do you go about getting a diagnosis if you're middle aged and basically coping OK with life in general?

Ringsender2 · 22/04/2023 09:59

I'm joining this thread (2nd one today after years of barely going on MN). I'm mainly in control at moment but empathise with this. My current vice is Twitter. Used to be MN. I suspect ADD but seems to have got milder with age (or I have better coping strategies).

Here for the shared stories and solutions

lionsleepstonight · 22/04/2023 10:06

Cellotapedispenser · 08/04/2023 08:31

I am nearly 50 and recently got diagnosed with adhd because my ds was diagnosed and the traits were so ridiculously similar I just had to know. As PP have said although I hold down a relatively snr job and seem to manage to drag up two dc , the house looks like student digs. I just cannot get it organised and yes, it would help if I wasn't addicted to tiktok. I did read that it's the lack of dopamine reward for the never ending repetitive tedium that is tidying, cleaning, laundry, folding, wiping. Laughing at cats falling off sofas is much more fun.

I have found listening to an audio book really helpful in getting me to do the boring tasks like cooking or cleaning.

Anything on the Internet is far more interesting than those tasks!

Rummikub · 22/04/2023 10:07

BertieBotts · 07/04/2023 18:31

People are going to lynch me but... Have you looked at the criteria for adult ADHD?

I only ask because if you're genuinely serious, yes, I nearly lost my home and had social services intervention, if you'd asked me at the time I might well have said it was because I couldn't get off MN. Actually I had really bad undiagnosed/untreated ADHD (inattentive kind) and this causes all the other issues, but one specific way it manifests for me is it makes computer forums ridiculously addictive. (This is apparently because ADHD is a crap name, as it's not a lack of attention, it's an inability to regulate where you're spending your attention.)

The thing is it doesn't actually matter if I ban myself from one site, I just find another. If I don't have internet I just play games on my phone or computer. If I can't do that then I watch literally whatever is on telly. If I don't have access to telly then I'll read. If I have nothing to read, I might get really into some project but honestly if there is absolutely nothing I would just go to sleep rather than do the normal things that you have to do to be an adult. It's infuriating.

I am hoping medication will help me with this because it's by far the most debilitating symptom, I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's real for me.

Oh my god this is me 😱

RhubarbFairy · 22/04/2023 10:14

I have a uni assignment due on Thursday. Only two more until I finish my degree completely. I haven't started mg assignment yet. I'm sat here with the text book on my lap and my laptop next to me. And I'm dicking about on MN. Timely thread.

And yes to blocking sites but finding others. I've deleted IG and FB, so now my crutch is MN. I put a timer on MN once. Just wandered over to that gossip site instead. And I can lose hours to that as threads move fast. Also, Snowheads, which is a ski/snowboard forum.

It's ridiculous, but I can't seem to stop.

Rummikub · 22/04/2023 10:20

I don’t have any social media luckily as I think I’d be doing that too. I also don’t have pay tv- just freeview channels. I know if I did then that would be another time sink.

MN I use everyday. Check it even before I get up!

I have unopened post going back about three years. I’ve learnt to open the brown envelopes though!

BrainZoomies · 22/04/2023 10:29

Checking in. I've been like this for 4 years now. This morning I have set a timer for an hour. I'm going to try an hour on / off for today. I average 11 - 12 hours a day on the iPad. Something has to change.

Rummikub · 22/04/2023 10:33

Flylady is good in that she says just start and you can do anything for 15 minutes. Which does help sometimes. Although I have unsubscribed now stupidly.

BertieBotts · 22/04/2023 13:01

Sorry I missed that there were more replies!

I can't advise about diagnosis in the UK since I was diagnosed abroad and also before the current boom in people seeking assessment leading to these crazy years-long waiting lists.

This is a good self screener:

https://adhduk.co.uk/adult-adhd-screening-survey/

For me, I found that the diagnosis helped straight away even though I have not yet started meds (got diagnosed in 2016). It just seemed to help me with the constant confusion and lack of understanding that I had where I was always feeling like "This doesn't make sense!" "Am I broken?" "Am I just a really useless friend, terrible person, totally unreliable employee etc?" "Nothing will ever change because I can't change" and it gave me a legitimacy so that I felt validated in e.g. joining ADHD support groups (online, or in person, though I haven't joined any in person yet I did meet up with one other person with ADHD), buying ADHD self help books, investing money into things because I kind of self-justified it with "this is an accommodation for my ADHD". Not everyone would need that, some people would feel fine doing those things without a diagnosis, and there is nothing wrong with doing that without a diagnosis. But for me personally I felt like a fraud and I couldn't fully buy into the explanation that yes, this really does apply to me/my brain, until I had the diagnosis. Can't explain that one as I would not put those barriers on someone else.

Then you can also access medication with a diagnosis. Medication is important because it is apparently the most effective tool that you have against an ADHD presentation. It's effective; it helps something like 90% of people. Many tools that seem like they would be useful for ADHD like calendars/diaries/lists are much more easily utilised in conjunction with medication and medication can help set up good habits in things like exercise, healthy eating, good sleeping habits which can all help with managing the disorder too.

I am hoping to start medication next week.

The most useful introductory resource that I found is a book called "You mean I'm not lazy, stupid or crazy?!" There is also a nice youtube channel called How To ADHD with lots of bite sized tips - it would be a great resource to go through and click on anything which seems useful to you in the moment.

ADHD UK Logo

Adult ADHD Self Screening Tool - ADHD UK

Since adult ADHD is under-diagnosed, People with the condition are not getting the help they need. WHO and the Workgroup on Adult ADHD created a screener survey

https://adhduk.co.uk/adult-adhd-screening-survey

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 22/04/2023 13:04

Well I woke up at 8am and I'm still in bed reading posts.

Stop posting interesting shit

Heroicallyfound · 22/04/2023 13:07

Hey, procrastination can be about avoiding feelings.

If you address what feelings are coming up, acknowledge them, develop capacity to tolerate them, you won’t have any need to avoid your tasks and turn to MN etc.

Some good resources on the psychology of this…

https://instagram.com/withcoachgrace?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

this Dr has a lot of videos on procrastination -

Instagram

https://instagram.com/withcoachgrace?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

TheProcrastinatorer · 22/04/2023 13:31

, procrastination can be about avoiding feelings.

Yes this is me all over. I was late to realise it but I often procrastinate because I'm scared of something - scared of failing, getting it wrong, not being able to do it, avoiding something.

thanks for the links I will check them out.

OP posts:
nochangeever · 22/04/2023 13:36

Ah this is me too OP ! Sad

ZeroFuchsGiven · 22/04/2023 13:38

I asked Mumsnet to ban me once and they did, I asked to come back after around months.

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