How do I Grey Rock a long term partner.

[Stressedafff]

My daughters dad is vile. He’s selfish, nasty, insulting, has been violent on occasion and I’ve had enough. Since being with him I’ve lost everything. He financially abused me to the point Ive no savings, I left uni early as he took money off me and I fell into this rancid sinkhole of depression that literally leaves me useless, I can’t get out of bed in the morning. My health anxiety is through the roof constantly, I have no friends and no social life.
Im a fucking idiot and at the point last year I was losing my family I told my mum I wasn’t with him anymore which was a damn lie, she’s not been able to visit because I can’t hide absolutely all this man’s stuff. I didn’t do it out of malice I wasn’t ready to leave.

But now I am, the house is mine so no need to flee. I need to basically detach from the cycle of love bombing and abusive behaviour. I’ve been basically a single mum since my DD was born so I’ve no issue there, I have just learned of the grey rock technique today. How do I do it when the person I’m grey rocking knows everything about me?

I’ve applied to university this morning, to finish my degree, to build a life for me and my daughter. I’ve made a promise to myself that this man will be out of my life by then. So I’ve got til September. Any ideas how to grey rock without slipping up?

Sorry for the rant also, after being shouted at and referred to as a stupid cunt this morning for opening the curtains at 8:45am I’ve just seriously seriously had enough

I’m sorry to hear about y poo ye situation but well done on making a decision to get your life back on track. Contact women’s aid they will be of help in all aspects of leaving the relationship and making your aspirations a reality. They really are good at what they do.
all the best

About your situation! Sorry

Y poo ye 😂😂😂😂 thank you for your advise and that typo didn’t half make me laugh

Grey rock is a technique useful when dealing with a narcissist. It won't solve your immediate problem.
Your situation requires proper advice and support .
Contact Women's Aid today.
Will he leave if you ask him ?
Just be very careful how you go about this . Splitting up with an abuser is a dangerous time. If he threatens you call the police .

You sound awesome. Think of Mumsnetters as an army at your back. We’re rooting for you.

I'd seek legal advice and get him out of the house. Easier to grey rock from a distance.
https://mywellbeing.com/for-therapists/grey-rock-technique

@Stressedafff quite unintentional but glad it was amusing!
if you still have your sense of humour then you and your daughter will be okay 👍 Stay safe

I’m not sure you can/should drastically change your behavior toward him until he’s out of the house. He may escalate.

You are getting advice and making plans, which is amazing. Keep going!

Have a read here https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/sample-online/home.php

its the freedom programme. This link has helpful advice and contact details as well https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method#does-it-work

well done on recognising your situation and making changes. I promise, it will be worth it in the end and you are showing your daughter what is right and wrong to accept.

Also meant to say how good you are going to continue your degree - you sound like you mean business. I hope your family are supportive and that you can reach out to them and friends irl.

grey rock may need some practice but it’s quite effective. Please talk things through with WA as they have so much expertise.

I’ve actually spoken to WA before and done the freedom programme so I’ve still got the login which I can go onto whenever. I’ve actually known I’ve been being abused for some time, since around 2020/21? But for some reason I couldn’t do anything about it. But I can’t stand this fucking cunt of a man and his insults anymore, they’ve stopped upsetting me, they make me angry, he annoys me that he finds it acceptable to call me names and swear at me, I’m annoyed that he’ll sit there and watch me absolutely burnt out and exhausted and never once offer to give me 10 minutes, I’m annoyed he’s took tens of thousands of pounds from me yet me asking him to contribute to a fucking new washer that HE will use has caused almost 48 hours of him basically having a tantrum.

I don’t say this lightly as I am an extremely placid person but I’m gonna snap soon and that’s not fair on anyone. I can’t stand him touching me, we aren’t intimate with each other because I can’t get in the mood to do that with someone who calls me a fat ugly lazy tramp, a “smackhead” a waste of space and a thick cunt. At first it used to get me in tears but now I can feel my blood boiling. My daughter deserves better. I deserve better

Speak to the local domestic violence team at the police (may have a different name) explain the situation, see if he has committed an offence the cam arrest him for.

Speak to Rights of Women and see if there is enough evidence to gain an occupation or and/or non-molestation.

As you own the home legally you can change the locks and end the relationship.

Where are you based op? Do you have anyone to help you pack his stuff and change the locks?

Rights of Women website might have some legal info for you.
Women’s aid live chat could be handy too.
good luck.

Phone the police, tell them you want this man out of your house but you're worried about how he will react when you tell him to leave, tell them he's been violent previously. They can help you get him out. Then change the locks straight away and if he turns up in the door step or threatens you in any way via phone or text, inform the police each and every time

this

good luck op

get him gone, the sooner the better

Sorry it's not obvious to me, but is he out of the house and keeps coming back or is he still living with you. If he has no claim on the property you can tell him to leave and call the police if he kicks off.

I have some professional experience of this…
You need to play this really well. He’s her dad and will use contact to bait you potentially. Even though in reality he probably can’t be bothered. So thinking about this would be my first concern.
I would start by seeing a few solicitors to get some free initial advice. I’d also speak to your GP and HV so they have it on record. Domestic Abuse is now flagged on records as something that a lot of Health Professionals should make a ‘routine enquiry’ about. Get it documented.

Aim to be rid of him by the end of the summer, but get everything into place first.

Ask if you can get a IDVA from Women’s Aid so you have a point of contact to ask questions. If you can’t get one ask your GP, HV or school nurse to refer. I’ve sorted these for people I work with.

have a look at this, if you reach a certain threshold you can be referred for a Marac which is a team approach to supporting you and your child. Someone else would fill it in with you.
https://safelives.org.uk/sites/default/files/resources/Dash%20risk%20checklist%20quick%20start%20guidance%20FINAL.pdf

Grey rock is great. You’ll need it will you action your plan. It is draining not to react though, but don’t slip up now as it might be used against you. Grey rock is non reaction and being bland. Just small talk about anything insignificant, so there’s nothing to argue against.

I guess you’ve come across trauma bonds? That’s why it’s hard to detach. You will do though.

I’ve made a promise to myself that this man will be out of my life by then. So I’ve got til September. Any ideas how to grey rock without slipping up?

May I ask - why do you need to hang on until September?
It doesn't sound like he is contributing financially, as he's ripped you off so substantially, & the house is yours, not his, so what's stopping you from fucking him off pronto?

btw - I am impressed & heartened by the anger in your update.
Galvanising, innit?! So much easier to move forward & make changes with that energy burning inside you. Don't beat yourself up for being unable to LTB earlier, that was a normal reaction: it's hard to escape the psychological trap of coercive control.

Also - don't have sex with him ever again. You don't want to, you don't need to, you owe him nothing. His Love Bombing will mean nothing to you when you can keep your anger safely channelled but directly solely at him. I'd advise you to read up on Trauma Bonding, & Hoovering more than Grey Rocking -
https://lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-sobriety/202109/what-is-trauma-bonding

But that's mainly because my heart sinks at the notion of you needing to Grey Rock this fucker for even another day, if you can eject him sooner than September.

You're angry, and this is good. Anger can be channelled into energy to get away.

If it's your house and you're not married, the first thing you need to do is get him out. Have you got a plan for that?

Sorry, realised that could be misinterpreted! You need to get him out regardless but it's straightforward if it is your house and you're not married

If the house is yours and you’re not married then you don’t have to bother her grey rocking you just tell him to leave. If he’s likely to be violent you can ask the police to “attend” to “prevent a breach of the peace”.

Alternatively, if he works outside the home, then change the locks and pack a suitcase with night stuff and leave it outside. Then don’t let him back in.

Write a list of his behaviours on your notes and look at it daily.

Remind yourself that the end game is to make you as bitter and twisted as him so get revenge by going out and having fun with warm, positive people and enjoying life. Not being bitter is your reward.

Give him a withering look filled with disgust every time he does it.

Separate finances and save as much as you can.

Expect him to up the abuse when you don’t get upset. Video/ voice record it and either send to yourself or a trusted friend

He's been violent in the past though so I'm not sure I'd want to antagonise him with withering looks .

Just get shot of him and be safe.

This. Don’t change your behaviour at all, so he doesn’t get wind of what you may be planning.