How do I Grey Rock a long term partner.

[Stressedafff]

My daughters dad is vile. He’s selfish, nasty, insulting, has been violent on occasion and I’ve had enough. Since being with him I’ve lost everything. He financially abused me to the point Ive no savings, I left uni early as he took money off me and I fell into this rancid sinkhole of depression that literally leaves me useless, I can’t get out of bed in the morning. My health anxiety is through the roof constantly, I have no friends and no social life.
Im a fucking idiot and at the point last year I was losing my family I told my mum I wasn’t with him anymore which was a damn lie, she’s not been able to visit because I can’t hide absolutely all this man’s stuff. I didn’t do it out of malice I wasn’t ready to leave.

But now I am, the house is mine so no need to flee. I need to basically detach from the cycle of love bombing and abusive behaviour. I’ve been basically a single mum since my DD was born so I’ve no issue there, I have just learned of the grey rock technique today. How do I do it when the person I’m grey rocking knows everything about me?

I’ve applied to university this morning, to finish my degree, to build a life for me and my daughter. I’ve made a promise to myself that this man will be out of my life by then. So I’ve got til September. Any ideas how to grey rock without slipping up?

Sorry for the rant also, after being shouted at and referred to as a stupid cunt this morning for opening the curtains at 8:45am I’ve just seriously seriously had enough

Some good advise. DD is going to my mums on Monday for 2 nights. I’m gonna see what I can do regarding him getting the fuck out of my house and my life.

I actually don’t own my house, it’s council, however smart me didn’t add him onto the tenancy or anything, including my DD’s birth certificate. I studied Law for 2 years before I had to drop out so I’m pretty clued up (what I can remember!) on what I can and can’t do.

I’ve been on one all night since DD went to bed. I can’t stop fucking crying I’m so sad and I’m so so angry. All the shit I’ve not done, the mundane shit that people do everyday I haven’t done in almost 5 years through this man. I’ve not had my eyebrows waxed, I’ve not had my nails done, I’ve not danced in a club, I’ve not had a laugh with my friends, I’ve not been to any events, I’ve not been to toddler groups or baby sensory. I have absolutely 0 friends anymore, I’m fucking furious at myself why the hell have I let this go on for so long. I look like shit, I’m so anxious I can barely speak properly half the time. I feel like shit I’m tired I’ve got messy hair my skins a mess I don’t take pride in myself like I used to because Im never allowed to lift the load off myself and just take care of me for once in my life.

Sorry I’m using this as my diary, it must look so unhinged but I can’t rant anywhere else and if I don’t get it out I feel like I’m gonna explode

i don’t even know how to respond! But I wish you and your daughter all the best you will get through and come out better! Sending lots of love

I'd you can get him out Monday or Tuesday, do it. Wait until he leaves and change th locks and put his bag out the front. Call the police and let them know you're putting him out.
Then delete and block him. He comes around, call the police.

He sounds potentially dangerous. I agree about involving the police and WA to help get him out. September seems a long time away when you know you want him out. As a PP said he will use access to seeing your child as a way to manipulate you. Good luck and sorry you are going through this.

Ironically it’s the access part that’s put me off leaving sooner. I don’t want her around him overnight etc. He has family members that have committed vile horrific acts and he sees them regularly, I do not want them around my child. He’s nasty and could quite easily lose it with her, he’s vile to her when she’s had a tantrum. I don’t have photographic evidence so I’m pretty sure a judge would laugh me out the court

Since he's not on the birth certificate and you aren't married, he would have to file a petition for access.

It's surprising the number of men who can't be arsed to do it at all.

He doesn't do it, no access.

Please don't wait until september, rip the plaster off now then go and get your nails done! Time to put you first. Nasty bastard.

It's good that you're so angry,it will give you the strength to do what's right for you and your daughter.You've reached breaking point ,keep focused now on getting away from him.Main thing is to get him out then one day at a time.Find yourself again.Good luck.

That’s why I wouldn’t rush. You’ve mentally left, now get some things documented. You have the power here as he doesn’t know you’ve mentally left him. Don’t show your cards yet.

Speak to your HV, ask about parenting courses for him- Henry or similar. Let it be known he’s not a great dad. Obviously he won’t access these but make it be known.

Clever!

Documenting & evidencing his behaviour is key to how much control you will have over your own freedom OP.

Talk to WA, make a GP appt & tell them your concerns about partner's behaviour & how you want to leave, but are scared about how he will behave, & about your child being around his family members because they have committed XYZ violent/antisocial/dangerous acts. Ask the GP for signposting to support services. Get it on record how worried you are about your child's father.

Right so plan of action after bank hol

• GP
• HV
• I need evidence of all of this, I need proof solid gold proof and I’ve got none cos I’ve just put up with it like an idiot. Any time he starts I’m gonna record it, and not respond as hard as that will be

I need advise on this because I don’t know if it’s a trauma response or what but I am absolutely OBSESSED with the past. I think about the years before I met him obsessively, when I lived at home, went to uni, worked part time and had a great life, I had lovely things, I was saving, learning to drive, socialising etc. I love my daughter more than anything but I know I wasn’t ready for a child when I had her, but I wouldn’t change having her. This obsession is just bizarre, I look at the old pictures from 2016/17 and I’m just hell bent on copying everything from that time, I want to buy the makeup I wore then, the clothes, I want to colour my hair the colour I used to have from this particular time period. I can’t move forward from it, it’s just obsessive.
I don’t even know things about me anymore, I don’t think I have a personality, I’ve spent 5 years only paying for bills and food and buying basic clothes (leggings and hoodies) I don’t even know what I’d do if I went shopping or to a hairdresser for a colour. DD has everything she needs but life has got me feeling like someone who’s done about 35 years in prison and can’t adapt to modern life. What the fuck is up with me

I’ve been through trauma of a different kind - not man-related - but I can identify with the focus in your life before it happened. I used to focus on it too.

What I can say is that I didn’t realise that it all that would come back and my life could go back to how things were before but in a new configuration. It felt like my life was too damaged to ever be like that again, but it wasn’t, and you do get over stuff and make peace with it.

It’s an interesting question, and something that can be worked through in therapy.

When you see the GP - do ask for referral to therapy as a consequence of this abusive relationship. They can refer you for 12 sessions of CBT. This is important not only for your health but also as part of the paper trail to “prove” the effects of this relationship.

Please just contact the Police. Ask for advice from domestic violence officer, if that's a thing. You need him out the house with the threat from Police that he'll be arrested if he breaks an order keeping him away. Don't encourage contact with your DD. I know that sounds hard but he won't change and will likely use her to hurt you. Don't wait, get him out your life this week. You have support here and friends. 💐

This isn’t right - OP doesn’t have an injunction.

What OP does is call her local police da team and tell them she’s leaving an abusive relationship and she needs help on the day she asks him to leave to get him out of the house. They can attend to prevent “a breach of the peace”. They will ask about prior violence and abuse and she needs to list everything.

If he keeps turning up and/or hassling OP that’s when she can consider getting an injunction.

Your plan is good, but dear OP - PLEASE be careful with this part of it:

I need evidence of all of this, I need proof solid gold proof and I’ve got none cos I’ve just put up with it like an idiot. Any time he starts I’m gonna record it, and not respond as hard as that will be

Don't let him catch you at it will you?
Mainly because he could become dangerous to you, but also because you don't want him cottoning on & editing the way he talks to you to fox your proof.

Oh no I’m not as green as I am cabbage looking, I only need the voice recorder and he’s got a penchant for storming about the house in a rage like an angry 4 year old so there’s no chance of him seeing me.

I’ve had a lot of comments about the police and I’m not ignoring them, but I will say, I am absolutely not phoning the police at this stage. I’ve no evidence, no proof, I can’t even use the cash withdrawals off my bank statement as proof because they’re counter transactions which I was there for. If I am ringing the police it’s when I have enough evidence to make it so that the fucking rat doesn’t get arrested, bailed and NFA’d due to “lack of evidence”
Court sentences etc are notoriously low for DV/DA, he’s been violent a handful of times yeah, but I have no proof of it, I’ve got a scar above my eyebrow where he went for me but there’s no proving where that’s from so it’d be my word against his. I know he’s abusive, I know what he’s done but I need concrete solid proof of it to prevent to the relevant authorities x

There's nothing 'wrong' with you OP, other than you're with a man who makes you think there's something 'wrong' with you! 😊

Once you are free of this, you can begin to find yourself again and I bet it won't take long! Just the relief of not being called names any more or knowing you don't have to tiptoe round on eggshells, will likely give you such a sense of freedom.

Others with lots more experience have give you some great advice. You've got a plan now! A whole new future is waiting for you.

re: the obsession with the past & the feeling you no longer occupy a personality - it's part of a normal response to trauma.

Please focus on that - what you are feeling isn't comfortable, but is it NORMAL. It the the response of a normally adjusted person to extreme & prolonged stress.

Sorry I’m using this as my diary, it must look so unhinged but I can’t rant anywhere else and if I don’t get it out I feel like I’m gonna explode

You don't look in the least unhinged.
What you look like to me is a woman whose strength & resilience have kept her plodding along, in survival mode, to ensure she continues caring for her child. Who has brains & resources, & is using them to escape current unfortunate circumstances. Who is able, articulate, determined.

You DO need to express these feelings in real life, & deserve an opportunity to make sense of them with a professional who is experienced in the effects of abuse & trauma. My apologies for not going back through the thread to check - have you had the benefit of any therapy yet?
Whether yes or no, please put that on the action plan.
Your GP will refer you, & it all bolsters your potential case against the arsehole. Explain that friends have advised you that it's time to start accessing help to understand how to best manage your mental health while you emerge from a coercively controlling relationship.

I'm also happy to point out to you that mental health professionals LOVE a self-referrer! So no shyness about this, & no diffidence in feeling you need & DESERVE it - ok?

What the fuck is up with me
Nothing.
One of the most comforting & freeing things I learned the first time I accessed therapy (coercive control, ACE, CSA) was that the terrible feelings, obsessive thinking ("circular, intrusive thoughts" - it's a common response OP) was that it was not ME who had something wrong with me.
My responses were normal.
The person who had abused me was the abnormal one.

You have already done brilliantly by reaching out here for a reality check.
You will feel so much better when you take control by enacting your plan, & you will lose a hell of a lot of the anxiety & intrusive ruminations when you eject the arsehole from your home.
You also have a therapeutic journey in front of you, & you are going to amaze yourself with the insights, connections, & truth that will come to you through that process.
You've got this OP - one step at a time. Post as much or as little as you want here. You don't owe any of us updates, but even if you just want to 'diarise' here, there are enough fellow-survivors around who understand & will continue to support.

You’re in a valley of life right now but when you’re away from this bastard you can start climbing to a peak. I wish you all the best op.

Nice one, cabbage-face 😂

Yes, for any DA/DV charges or ammunition against unsupervised contact, sure, you'd need proof.

But please bear in mind: if you feel he will refuse to leave your home, & kick off when asked, you DO NOT NEED PROOF. The fear of his reaction is all you need, & police can either visit or be on standby to supervise the arsehole's ejection.

Asking him to leave is a completely separate issue from obtaining proven evidence. At this stage getting him to leave is way more important than evidence. Much as I heartily approve your clarity & determination here - just get him out. One step at a time, remember?

AS PP have suggested, without his name of the birth cert, if you simply don't look to facilitate contact, you might be surprised as how little he is prepared to do to secure it.
Oh, he'll rant & make a nuisance of himself & believe he can terrorise you into compliance. But spend money & time on pursuit of a legal challenge? Less likely.

I’ve had a lot of comments about the police and I’m not ignoring them, but I will say, I am absolutely not phoning the police at this stage. I’ve no evidence, no proof, I can’t even use the cash withdrawals off my bank statement as proof because they’re counter transactions which I was there for.

If I am ringing the police it’s when I have enough evidence to make it so that the fucking rat doesn’t get arrested, bailed and NFA’d due to “lack of evidence

Sorry OP you seem to have completely missed the point. You will need help ejecting him for your house. Given his history, if you ask him to leave he will a. Laugh and refuse b. Get violent if he realises you’re serious.

The way that is generally advised is to ask the police to be present - for that you don’t need “proof” of his abuse, he’s not being arrested, you’re not reporting him to the police - they are simply there to ensure that he leaves peacefully.

Alternatively you could pack up his stuff when he’s out - at least enough for him to go and stay somewhere - leave it in a suitcase outside and change the locks. But he will kick up a stink so you need to be prepared for that. You may end up calling the police anyway if he tries to kick the door down.

You’ve got a fire in your belly so don’t let it go out, use it to keep the momentum going. Why did you already have a login to the freedom that programme? Was t because of him? If so would there be any record with WA of his previous abuse?

good luck, you’re absolutely right you do deserve better, way fucking better and your DD absolutley deserves better, and you can get it for her and yourself…. But not til you’ve excised this scum bag from your life

There’s some great advice here and so much support for you in this situation which is wonderful (one of the things MN is so good at!)

I may be way off here, so feel free to ignore of course, but I’m picking up a slight inclination from your posts that you might be someone who makes perfect the enemy of good/done. That can be an unhelpful impulse in this situation because the thing that is absolutely paramount is getting him out of your home, so you have space to breathe, time to think and so on. Of course it would be great if you had a sampling gun and could get him charged and sentenced for his behavior - but staying long enough to get a black eye, so you can take a trip to the hospital and report it as abuse… it’s backwards thinking. Likewise with custody - as others have said, he will have to apply for this so as long as you don’t give it and wait for that process to play out you have some time there.

the voice recorder is a good plan, but you can use it anytime even if meeting up with him out of the house. In my experience someone like this is going to keep on name calling etc etc so it should be all means record a few conversations (and definitely the one in which you ask him to leave) but do NOT stay because you want to build a perfect case. The court system is a fucked up place for this kind of thing, even when abuse is clear it’s not always possible to prevent contact - and these are issues for another day.

Having your own place puts you in a really strong position. Speak to women’s aid before you act but you can and probably should ask him to leave. You don’t have to say it’s all over if it makes you vulnerable - say you need a break, say you can’t live together but that doesn’t mean it’s over, say whatever you need to to get him out and call the police if he refuses. When he’s out pack his stuff & change the lock.

Once he’s out keep seeking advice and deal with things as they come. But don’t be your own worst enemy here - get him the hell out of your house.

A sampling gun?!?! What’s that?! I meant a smoking gun!

Thanks all!
Im biding my time as you can probably tell because I need this executed perfectly. The main reason I wanted evidence is for the stage where he’s gone, I will ring the police when the time comes that he’s going. It’ll be soon, I’m just trying to mentally detach myself enough that he can’t find a way to restart the trauma bond, I used to look back on when I first met him as a good time, that’s been replaced now. I’m gonna speak to the doctors on Tuesday about the concerns, I’ll see what health visitor says too.

The obsession I have with evidence is because I know full well he won’t take me to court for DD but he’ll start in other ways, sending his skanky family to my house etc which I’m not standing for, I just want as much proof as I can for this because I’ve suffered and lived through hell since 2018, I feel like I’m just going through the motions, a robot, I convince myself that everyone I meet hates me, I’m useless etc I need to sort that out before I fully grow the balls to tell this rat I hate him and I want him out of my life and my home. I can do this, I’ve got until September. No more complacency and no more pricks