Page 4 | To be fed up of hearing how everybody fancies partner's friend/former colleague

30yearoldvirgin · 10/04/2023 10:07

But cheating is abuse. It’s emotional abuse.

TheyclosedmyCosta · 10/04/2023 10:09

I’d probably retaliate by picking a good looking friend (or make one up) and talk endlessly about how wonderful he is. But then I can be a bit childish lol.

Just tell him your fed up of hearing about this woman he fancies that he almost certainly has no chance with

Margot78 · 10/04/2023 10:10

Can we stop going on about @Sittwritt’s situation, it’s disrespectful to the OP to distract from her thread so much. OP I understand a little how you feel, my DB had mentionitus with a woman at work. Doesn’t say she’s attractive but constantly going on about her and what she’s said. She seems to constantly winge to DH about her “problems” which basically amount to being asked to actually do some work. Recently when we went to the leisure centre for DD’s swimming lesson and he kept staring at the window to the gym. I instinctively knew it was her he was looking at, turns out she goes to that gym so that’s another thing I suppose she’s got over me. She’s slimmer and fitter. I hate having to feel in comparison to another woman though and I’m sure you feel the same. We all have work crushes, but men do seem unable to hide theirs discretely.

Bamboux · 10/04/2023 10:26

Sittwritt · 09/04/2023 09:12

But why would you be sad for me? In all seriousness I think it’s a reflection of not being able to admit the mistake of leaving your ‘poor excuses of husbands’ and seeing the latter as an absolute solution whereby you can keep your dignity intact. Only to find dating is tough, kids are torn, it’s a hard slog and by the end of it, one does not keep much dignity rather resentment. And learning that people can go on to be completely happy, satisfied, with happy kids, and a glorious family life despite one of the spouses straying makes you even more determined to defend your choice. This all does not apply of course if your original marriage was an abusive one but if it was always good and a few years were dubious, it does not mean that it can not be good if not better as you rebuild. I don’t know where you concluded that I blame the AP for the cheating, in my books they are equally as guilty. My DH never bad mouthed her hubby as he never had a vested interest in her leaving, whereas she did document her resentment of me, as she was looking for an exit affair. Hope that explains the situation.

But yes, it is possible to completely recover and go in to have a great life together.

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No one can ever be 'completely happy' with someone who betrayed their trust so fundamentally.

I understand you don't want to give up your nice life, expensive house, and holidays, and you don't want to make the ow feel like she 'won'.

But you lost too. Forever.

Chandalie · 10/04/2023 10:27

'According to him 3 of their mutual friends fancy her, one of them just took her to a ridiculously expensive restaurant and spent a fortune on her even though she has her own partner.'

I wonder if he's talking about himself. Why does he care so much? How does he know so much about her life and why does he keep going on about her if he's with you?

Either he:
-fancies her himself,
-he took her out to an expensive restaurant when 3 mutual friends also fancied her so it's boosted his ego.
-he's trying to make you feel jealous and insecure

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 10/04/2023 10:51

Sounds like he fancies her…

piesforever · 10/04/2023 11:05

I'd start talking about hot man repeatedly and see how he likes it!

Sittwritt · 10/04/2023 11:06

Bamboux · 10/04/2023 10:26

No one can ever be 'completely happy' with someone who betrayed their trust so fundamentally.

I understand you don't want to give up your nice life, expensive house, and holidays, and you don't want to make the ow feel like she 'won'.

But you lost too. Forever.

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You can heal whether you separate or not, whether you remain with a current partner or find a new one.

Finding inner peace means that everything becomes irrelevant, including past actions of others that you had nothing to do with. True forgiveness means you let go of resentment and do not depend on actions of others to determine how you may feel today. You remain at peace.

Separation and divorce are quick attempt fixes to try an stop trauma hijacks but do not lead to inner peace necessarily, but may lead to other equally traumatic experiences and stresses, financial, emotional, and risk of abuse for you and your children, including higher suicide risk, higher drug taking for kids. It’s not to be considered lightly unless your marriage is abusive. Therefore it’s important to consider if your marriage is an abusive one or not. Weigh things up and not act just out of impulse, which is very tempting to do at a time of trauma.

But one can heal and get on and find love and fun again and go on yo have a better marriage and partner as a result. Your marriage becomes less naive and your communication channels flourish when you choose each other again. It’s true and I love my life and would not change a single part of it. Everything that has happened did so gir s reason and it’s been an opportunity for growth.

Bamboux · 10/04/2023 11:20

Sittwritt · 10/04/2023 11:06

You can heal whether you separate or not, whether you remain with a current partner or find a new one.

Finding inner peace means that everything becomes irrelevant, including past actions of others that you had nothing to do with. True forgiveness means you let go of resentment and do not depend on actions of others to determine how you may feel today. You remain at peace.

Separation and divorce are quick attempt fixes to try an stop trauma hijacks but do not lead to inner peace necessarily, but may lead to other equally traumatic experiences and stresses, financial, emotional, and risk of abuse for you and your children, including higher suicide risk, higher drug taking for kids. It’s not to be considered lightly unless your marriage is abusive. Therefore it’s important to consider if your marriage is an abusive one or not. Weigh things up and not act just out of impulse, which is very tempting to do at a time of trauma.

But one can heal and get on and find love and fun again and go on yo have a better marriage and partner as a result. Your marriage becomes less naive and your communication channels flourish when you choose each other again. It’s true and I love my life and would not change a single part of it. Everything that has happened did so gir s reason and it’s been an opportunity for growth.

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I can hear you've done a lot of therapy but expecting your partner not to fuck other people behind your back isn't 'naive'.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 10/04/2023 11:21

Is the op coming back?

@Unitedstatesofwhatever1

Sittwritt · 10/04/2023 12:05

I can hear you've done a lot of therapy but expecting your partner not to fuck other people behind your back isn't 'naive'.

so why does this touch a nerve with you so much?

Naive is expecting the life to go like a fairytale, the happy ever after. What if ur partner reveals they have gambling addiction? What if they develop a mental illness? Is everything unacceptable and do they have ti be one dimensional, Pre prescribed and hopelessly devoted to magnificence of their other half. I know many men that are gorgeous and find me gorgeous, things can happen to all of us.

Truestorypeeps · 10/04/2023 12:05

Sounds like he has the hots for her and is rather infatuated. As Kylie once sung 'I just can't get you outta my head'. We men are very visual creatures. Nothing you can do about it, but you should clearly state something along of the lines of, listen, I know this woman is good looking and so many men are captivated by her, but this is not in the least bit interesting to me and I would prefer it if I never heard a word more about her for the rest of my life, so kindly find someone else to tell these boring yarns about her to. Or, unfortunately for you you're stuck with me, so unless you are going to leave and set up with this OW, please just shut up about her as I really couldn't be less interested. Why do you talk about her to me? Are you trying to make me feel something? Do you think I'm interested? Would she think it wad weird if she knew you were always talking about her?
Sounds like he's trying to give you a hint to try harder with your own appearance to please him, quite the asshole thing to do also that he's jealous as he'd love to have some arm candy himself that every male would be jealous of him for having, as that'd give him some sort of ego boost.

Bamboux · 10/04/2023 13:58

Sittwritt · 10/04/2023 12:05

I can hear you've done a lot of therapy but expecting your partner not to fuck other people behind your back isn't 'naive'.

so why does this touch a nerve with you so much?

Naive is expecting the life to go like a fairytale, the happy ever after. What if ur partner reveals they have gambling addiction? What if they develop a mental illness? Is everything unacceptable and do they have ti be one dimensional, Pre prescribed and hopelessly devoted to magnificence of their other half. I know many men that are gorgeous and find me gorgeous, things can happen to all of us.

There is a difference between "understanding life isn't a fairytale" and "letting your spouse get away with fucking other people and pretending it's great".

But hey. You do you, boo.

MartiniFlan · 10/04/2023 14:08

"We men are very visual creatures"

As opposed to women who are all blind.

Sittwritt · 10/04/2023 14:17

There is a difference between "understanding life isn't a fairytale" and "letting your spouse get away with fucking other people and pretending it's great".

But hey. You do you, boo

There is a great deal of assumption here. Wishing you luck in stewing in whatever broth makes you come out with such personal attacks on other people living their life to the fullest and not dwelling on the past. I am of course assuming your DP was a virgin before you met and you are his first and last.

Margot78 · 10/04/2023 20:26

Truestorypeeps · 10/04/2023 12:05

Sounds like he has the hots for her and is rather infatuated. As Kylie once sung 'I just can't get you outta my head'. We men are very visual creatures. Nothing you can do about it, but you should clearly state something along of the lines of, listen, I know this woman is good looking and so many men are captivated by her, but this is not in the least bit interesting to me and I would prefer it if I never heard a word more about her for the rest of my life, so kindly find someone else to tell these boring yarns about her to. Or, unfortunately for you you're stuck with me, so unless you are going to leave and set up with this OW, please just shut up about her as I really couldn't be less interested. Why do you talk about her to me? Are you trying to make me feel something? Do you think I'm interested? Would she think it wad weird if she knew you were always talking about her?
Sounds like he's trying to give you a hint to try harder with your own appearance to please him, quite the asshole thing to do also that he's jealous as he'd love to have some arm candy himself that every male would be jealous of him for having, as that'd give him some sort of ego boost.

“We men are very visual creatures”, what does that even mean?!! You’re not “creatures, you’re human beings with control over your words and actions. Believe it or not, women use their eyes too, women notice attractive people too. Most men and women wouldn’t use this to belittle their partner though. This is something that this particular man is choosing to do. I find the argument that all men are too thick to appreciate a woman for who she is, very outdated and insulting to everyone. You must be the last person on planet earth who still says “arm candy”.