To be fed up of hearing how everybody fancies partner's friend/former colleague

[Unitedstatesofwhatever1]

According to him 3 of their mutual friends fancy her, one of them just took her to a ridiculously expensive restaurant and spent a fortune on her even though she has her own partner.
When they used to work together my DP told me that many of the customers fancied her and would come in just to see her.
Seemed like every other day there was somebody who fancied her.
I'm a bit like, ok, I get it!
I don't need to keep hearing that every man loves her. I'm not looking for other men to fancy me of course but I'm nothing special I guess. Looks aren't everything anyway, I don't know why I just don't need to constantly hear it.

@Sittwritt

My DHs OW was smarter. But here’s a catch. She looked me up on socials figured out she knew my type and then proceeded to tell him how she compares to me. She went on for ages about how she’s tall and how elegant it is to be tall only to realise I am taller then all of a sudden this was a bad thing. Working part time apparently was ‘bits and pieces’.

Anyhow it was useful to know all this after affair because it was the OWs way of triangulation and trying to place herself as this incredible ‘tall’ when needed’ catch.

And who told you all this, your cheating husband?

I'd say to him are you aware you talk a lot about how stunning this women is? You might think that but do you think I want to hear it all the time?

Hi Op
I would start saying telling him how handsome the local bus driver or Post man or Taxi driver you have come across,

How lucky his girlfriend or wife Is to have someone as good looking like a work of Art.in your life,

See how he likes to constantly compared to someone else ,

L.o.l 😃

Try it

You get my drift 😏
It obviously could be the food delivery driver you had recently ect

He will soon start wondering 🤔 if you fancy him or just making it up,
And start to feel .maybe like you feel, hopefully

I wouldn't like fella I am with going on about someone else like that, too,

So it's not you

It's normal to have brief crushes in life now and again, as in life you will occasionally come across someone acctractive, but if you are in a relationship you don't act on it,
You may admire them like oil painting in Art. Gallery
But you don't go on about it and make you partner feel a bit insecure ect

It's just not appropriate
Not nice

Or instead of playing long, drawn out games she could just tell him to shut up about her and stick to it.

I think you’re being jealous for no reason.

Yes I’m sure he finds her attractive but he’s also saying how ridiculous it is that these men are falling over her and one spending a fortune on her when she’s in a relationship.

There are some conversations you should have with your friends and not your partner but he may see you as his friend too and gossip just like he would with his other friends.

You can just say please stop telling me about her as it’s making me uncomfortable.

Firstly I would be pissed off too. Secondly, the best thing you can do is ignore him. The second he starts talking about it, preoccupy yourself with something and pretend you never heard it. Don’t even respond. You’re busy doing something else. The more you aren’t bothered, the more he will shut up as he realises he’s talking to a brick wall. He’ll eventually get the hint.

lastly, I think it’s hugely insensitive of him to continue doing that, irregardless of whether he likes her or not, it’s clearly made you feel insecure and uncomfortable. I was really upset to see what you wrote about your own looks, which I’m sure isn’t true - but his behaviour is not helping!

Maybe your husband's mistress' self-worth also came from within and not from having sex with your husband.

The OP refers to herself as 'nothing special' and that's a problem. People pick up on our energy and treat us accordingly. If the OP considered herself a bit more and this is bugging her, she'd tell Mr Thirsty to STFU and carry on.

Maybe this woman is just going about her business being attractive, enjoying being fawned over and not at all looking to run off with anyone's partner.

Because he fancies her and wants to talk about her.

Oh my

Maybe your husband's mistress' self-worth also came from within and not from having sex with your husband.

People with self worth usually know what they’re doing and own their choices. They are preoccupied with their full lives they have chosen and are happy leading.

People needing validation don’t. Hence seek to remedy their neediness elsewhere, even if it is with men that they know will never leave their wife for them.

@Sittwritt I've admittedly seen some woman do the "I'm better than your wife" game but many husbands shut that down straight away. It's a pity your husband didn't / doesn't value you enough for that

I still want to know how @Sittwritt came to know what the other women said about her.

Surely she didn't hear it all from the cheating husband and actually believed it?

🙄 here we go again eye roll central 🙄

He actually well and truly does love me, of that I am sure. Besides cheating has nothing to do with who’s prettier or smarter. It’s not a comparison it’s a personal choice people make often to fill a gap that should be filled with making sound choices and owning them. Self actualisation that happens for most of us the moment we have kids or grow up or get a home but in some cases the moment they fuck up their lives to infinity. Then if you are lucky enough to be given a second chance you are one lucky lucky man that cherishes what he’s got.

I choose to be with him forever because I see him as a person with capacity for personal growth. If he lacked the latter and would not be choosing him for sure.

I still want to know how @Sittwritt came to know what the other women said about her.

Surely she didn't hear it all from the cheating husband and actually believed it?

It was in her emails messages and from her own hubby, who actually thought Sittwrit was a hottie and asked her out on a date. Xx

This would annoy me and make me feel rather insecure.

I don’t agree that you should just ignore it and pretend not to hear. He’s said this again and again and again now, so it’s clearly something he has more than a passing interest in mentioning. It’s happened enough for you to find it more than merely informative. If it were me, I’d say, “Yes, I know. You’ve told me how attractive everyone finds her numerous times now and I’ve realised that you’re one of them. I get the message. Can you stop saying it now? It’s not making me feel great.”

I can understand you giving him a second chance, but I don't understand you using her put-downs of you to justify the cheating.

In my eyes, that (enthusiastically subscribing to her comparison of you two) would be an additional second awful thing your husband did to hurt you terribly, rather than nullifying his first wrongdoing against you (the cheating).

That's quite an awful thing for even a cheating husband to do: letting his mistress explicitly talk about how his wife sucks and is inferior to her in every way, and even repeating the comparison at home himself in front of you!

I would argue that cheating out of impulse, hormones, etc might even be better than the intentional hierarchy of his Two Women (you as lower ranking, junior/inferior to her) that he enthusiastically upheld for years.

That's quite an awful thing for even a cheating husband to do: letting his mistress explicitly talk about how his wife sucks and is inferior to her in every way, and even repeating the comparison at home himself in front of you!

One that is in an inferior has to have a way of upping one’s weak position of being a nobody in a married couple’s life, just a passing sexual thing, an OW per se, that has no access to her MM’s time, assets, priority, yet wishes to assert some sort of self prioritising illusion that she is indeed special in order to try and extract the MM who very rarely (pretty much never) wants to up and go. Unless the wife ups and go.

As for repeating stuff at home it’s amazing what desperation does to a repenting DH they never intended to leave. Makes you realise the enormity of the big feelings expressed in an affair meant absolutely one big huge nothing, compared to the real deal.

And if you are sensible and measured none of this can affect your mood, not the occurrence, which is not in the dusty old past, nor the in kindness of strangers such as yourself. It’s all sunshine and butterflies 🦋 in the comfort of my beautiful home, glorious garden, arms of my dear DH, and coming together as a family despite everything and anything that he or I may have done. That is called wisdom, experience and zen.

Blimey he really has done a number on you. Sittwritt . Probably still at it too 😥

Surely it's all down to personal opinion?
There are men and women who I know who are thought of as very attractive in my circles. To me, they are just average.

There is an interesting phenomena on this site.

Say it’s happened and you are traumatised it’s all about LTB, get a better life for yourself, once a cheater always a cheater, poor you you see traumatised.

Say it’s happened and you don’t feel it was significant, don’t give a shit, live your life the way you want, then it’s fair game to abuse and let rip.

Just sayin’

That’s not what you said though. People are sad for you because you’ve managed to make your husband in your mind an innocent bystander in his sordid affair. You've made him discussing you and your flaws with his mistress all her fault. Imm understand why you would do that, as it makes it easier for you to stay with him. People are just sad for you that youve had to do that rather than admit to yourself that you dont deserve such a poor excuse of a husband.

Yep , he's got mentionitis

But why would you be sad for me? In all seriousness I think it’s a reflection of not being able to admit the mistake of leaving your ‘poor excuses of husbands’ and seeing the latter as an absolute solution whereby you can keep your dignity intact. Only to find dating is tough, kids are torn, it’s a hard slog and by the end of it, one does not keep much dignity rather resentment. And learning that people can go on to be completely happy, satisfied, with happy kids, and a glorious family life despite one of the spouses straying makes you even more determined to defend your choice. This all does not apply of course if your original marriage was an abusive one but if it was always good and a few years were dubious, it does not mean that it can not be good if not better as you rebuild. I don’t know where you concluded that I blame the AP for the cheating, in my books they are equally as guilty. My DH never bad mouthed her hubby as he never had a vested interest in her leaving, whereas she did document her resentment of me, as she was looking for an exit affair. Hope that explains the situation.

But yes, it is possible to completely recover and go in to have a great life together.

Not to be that person but I remember my Dad doing this. ‘X is so great’ ‘x is so pretty’ ‘x did this that and the other’. This went on for a while. My Mum exploded at dinner one day ‘Are you sleeping with her or something?’
so yeah that’s the story of how my parents marriage ended 😬.
Just be careful.