AIBU about my partners laziness towards baby prep

Gizzy93 · 2023-04-06T21:42:22+00:00

I'm 32+5 and my partner has done absolutely nothing to prepare for our baby. It's our first baby. I feel a little bad because he works 50-60 hours a week and at the moment he's the only one bringing in an income because I can no longer work for the remainder of my pregnancy. But on his days off he does nothing. He'll either have a super lazy day (which he is entitled to!) Or he'll go fishing. Which again, he's entitled to. But he doesn't even take half an hour to do do any sort of prep for the baby. I've got friends and family coming in today to help us paint the room because he's gone fishing and has absolutely refused to paint the room. My brother who lives with us has done more than my partner has and it's not his house or baby. I feel I'm being unreasonable here because he does work long hours, im not working and he is entitled to his relaxing time on his days off. But I also feel like he should be doing more to prepare for baby.

GrazingSheep · 06/04/2023 22:43

Hopefully when the baby arrives he will help.

StopitSarah · 06/04/2023 22:51

@GrazingSheep help? Hopefully he will help? He’s the father, not a random housemate.

OP, everyone prepares differently for a baby. Have you told him you’d like him to be more involved in practical ways?

But please, no more talk of a parent “hopefully” being able to “help” when their child is born. It’s 2024 not 1924.

Testina · 06/04/2023 22:52

You have to judge this on what he’s always like - and only you know that.

Have you worked a 60 hour week?
It’s tough. When I have weeks like that, on my days off - even if I’ve had a “rest” day, I just don’t want to do any “chores” or things that don’t matter.

So - how much prep is there to actually do?
You’ve said about painting a room - and him refusing. Why is he actually refusing? This weekend because he wants to do other things? Or at all, because he doesn’t think it’s necessarily? Or at all, because he refuses to ever help you with anything?

When you chose to have a baby with him, was he useless and and uncompromising?

How has your brother done more to help you to prepare? There’s little needed, and little a woman can’t do herself anyway. (I’m thinking: order some muslins online…)

You can’t judge this without a lot more historical info - and you’re the only one that has that.

Albiboba · 06/04/2023 22:52

What exactly is there to do to prep?

VivaVivaa · 06/04/2023 23:03

I’ll have worked 60 hours by the end of the Sunday. Painting a room on Monday sounds hellish, so I can kind of sympathise with him there. It’s hard to tell from your post how much of an issue this is - is it that this weekend he just wants to check out and relax after a long week at work (fine)…or is it that his relaxation and hobbies take priority over everything else week in week out and you are always left to manage the house? (Not so fine, when the baby is here).

PinkyFlamingo · 06/04/2023 23:08

He is "prepping"....hes earning money to support you all. If you had an issue with this then you shouldnt have got pregnant with someone that works that many hours. That's not healthy either.

x2boys · 06/04/2023 23:10

What does he need to do to.prep though ?

SausageinaBun · 06/04/2023 23:12

Your baby won't care if a room is painted. You need to buy or borrow some essentials like a car seat and somewhere for your baby to sleep, but that's about all of the prep you need to do. Everything else is fluff.

Newname221 · 06/04/2023 23:13

What do you mean not able to work? It’s pretty early to be out of work; the reason I’m asking is because your workplace needs to make reasonable adjustments. You should surely be entitled to at least maternity allowance?

Newname221 · 06/04/2023 23:14

SausageinaBun · 06/04/2023 23:12

Your baby won't care if a room is painted. You need to buy or borrow some essentials like a car seat and somewhere for your baby to sleep, but that's about all of the prep you need to do. Everything else is fluff.

If OP is in Scotland they get the baby box where baby can sleep for the first several
months. Obviously only relevant if OP is in fact in Scotland.

MuffinToSeeHere · 06/04/2023 23:15

Surely him working 60 hours a week is more than enough prep though. Babies don't actually need much preparing for and I certainly wouldn't want to paint a nursery on one of my few days off before the baby arrived after working 60 hours during the week. A job like that could easily wait until after the baby arrived.

Also I'd not be mad keen on having to share my house with my BIL especially with a new baby on the way, is that a long term arrangement?

Original poster

Gizzy93 · 06/04/2023 23:15

Sorry, I didn't realise more context was needed.
He's always been lazy. I can deal with the house work while I'm not working.

I have worked 60 hour weeks - it's brutal. I get that. And he fully deserves to have me time, I'm not denying that at all.

But it does seem like his leisure activities take priority over everything else.

He's refusing to paint the baby's room because it's "my job". It's not super necessary. The room is just an ugly mint green colour and I thought painting it together would be something we could both do to prep for the baby. I know they don't need much. I just thought, it's our first baby. He's not experiencing the pregnancy as I am.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 06/04/2023 23:17

@Gizzy93

Your update makes the situation clear.

Your problem is you’ve married and decided to have a baby with a known lazy arsehole.

He’s not changing so you either put up with it or leave.

TinySaltLick · 06/04/2023 23:18

Well it will change wuit significantly quite soon, so I too would probably enjoy time fishing whilst I could

Tbh there isn't much prep required, Nappies and a few baby gros? You can buy the rest as you need it. The baby isn't going to be in that room for a while anyway, and maybe many months or more

Newname221 · 06/04/2023 23:20

Gizzy93 · 06/04/2023 23:15

Sorry, I didn't realise more context was needed.
He's always been lazy. I can deal with the house work while I'm not working.

I have worked 60 hour weeks - it's brutal. I get that. And he fully deserves to have me time, I'm not denying that at all.

But it does seem like his leisure activities take priority over everything else.

He's refusing to paint the baby's room because it's "my job". It's not super necessary. The room is just an ugly mint green colour and I thought painting it together would be something we could both do to prep for the baby. I know they don't need much. I just thought, it's our first baby. He's not experiencing the pregnancy as I am.

Why did you breed with a man you knew was lazy? What did you expect? I also wouldn’t call someone who works a 60 hour week lazy, by the way.

It doesn’t sound like his leisure activities are taking priority over everything else. It sounds like working crazy hours is taking priority. Which he needs to do; since he is the only source of income (except
potentially your brother?)

Why can’t you paint the baby’s room yourself? Mint is fine for a baby. You don’t even need to paint the room, you want to paint the room. Baby won’t even be in there for the first six months. Do it yourself when you are no longer pregnant if you can’t do it now.

Original poster

Gizzy93 · 06/04/2023 23:21

Newname221 · 06/04/2023 23:13

What do you mean not able to work? It’s pretty early to be out of work; the reason I’m asking is because your workplace needs to make reasonable adjustments. You should surely be entitled to at least maternity allowance?

Mostly mental health reasons. I also work as a dog groomer with long hours on my feet, fighting dogs all day. I'm in Australia, and I'm a casual worker so not entitled to anything until baby gets here unfortunately

OP posts:

MelchiorsMistress · 06/04/2023 23:26

He just doesn’t see the value in repainting a room that he thinks is fine as it is especially when his free time is already limited. He’s happy to earn the money and let you sort out what you want for the baby, that doesn’t make him a terrible father.

Original poster

Gizzy93 · 06/04/2023 23:26

I'm sorry. I feel super attacked right now. I asked for opinions on this situation.
Not why I'm not working. Not why I've decided to "breed" with a lazy man.
Yes he can be lazy when it comes to housework, which I don't mind otherwise I wouldn't be having a baby with him.

You've all just gotten a snippet of this and I feel like I'm being attacked.

My main question was would you be mad if he refused to paint the room. Would you be mad if he had done nothing else for the baby.

I stated he works long hours because I feel bad that he does - he's also on a salary so him working more doesn't equal more money.

I guess I'm the asshole here. Thank you.

OP posts:

Newname221 · 06/04/2023 23:29

Gizzy93 · 06/04/2023 23:21

Mostly mental health reasons. I also work as a dog groomer with long hours on my feet, fighting dogs all day. I'm in Australia, and I'm a casual worker so not entitled to anything until baby gets here unfortunately

Show quote history

Sorry, assumed you were in the UK.

It sounds like finances are maybe an issue for your household? Is there any way you can do any sort of work in the meantime? Eg delivery driving?

When my partner had mental health issues he was able to do this type of work as it didn’t require too much social interaction and was relatively low pressure.

Merryoldgoat · 06/04/2023 23:30

You aren’t the arsehole but you are being unrealistic.

Marrying a man who doesn’t pull his weight, treats you poorly and says things are ‘your job’ is only going one way.

You’ve tried talking to him and his response is to go fishing and basically tell you he’s not interested.

Recognise now the man he is so you don’t have a life of disappointment.

GrazingSheep · 06/04/2023 23:30

He's always been lazy. I can deal with the house work while I'm not working.

There’s your answer really. He was never going to change just because you got pregnant. The chances are high that he will be lazy after the baby is born and you will do everything baby related as well as housework.

saraclara · 06/04/2023 23:33

I don't get what prep there is apart from you wanting the room painting. You're weeks away yet. I honestly can't think what 'prep' there was when I was expecting my first. We didn't even so much shopping because I was one of those peoole who didn't want anything now thank the basics until the baby was safely born.

We actually probably did more relaxing, eating out and stuff like that as 'prep' because we knew we wouldn't be able to later!

StrawBeretMoose · 06/04/2023 23:33

@Merryoldgoat has nailed it.

If he's working so much could you not pay a painter and decorator?
I wouldn't be impressed by anyone thinking you should be painting a room while pregnant.

If you can't get it painted and don't want to leave the room undecorated order decal stickers if you want to jazz it up. I never did baby's room for ages, slept in our room for a year anyway.

I disagree that there is no prep to do, a lot you could do yourself but DH wanted to input on things like car seat and pram.
I would buy/rent nappies and wipes, buy vests, blankets, crib or whatever you'll use, travel system, changing mat or table, maybe a stretchy wrap, feeding accessories, things for your hospital bag. Order nice food for freezer. If you plan to breastfeed look up support groups in advance, you can go while pregnant.

Will your brother still be living with you afterwards?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/04/2023 23:33

I'd be more bothered about how he sees his life changing once the baby is here. Have you and he discussed this? His days off won't be the same. He can't just go off fishing every weekend.

DrJump · 06/04/2023 23:33

Baby should be in with you for the first 6-12 months so painting the baby room wouldn’t bother me.

However I would expect my partner to want to be involved with the pregnancy and planning for baby. Has he attended classes with you? Has he made plans for paternity leave? Supporting you when he returns to work?
Is he generally a loving partner?