AIBU about my partners laziness towards baby prep

[Gizzy93]

I'm 32+5 and my partner has done absolutely nothing to prepare for our baby. It's our first baby.

I feel a little bad because he works 50-60 hours a week and at the moment he's the only one bringing in an income because I can no longer work for the remainder of my pregnancy.

But on his days off he does nothing. He'll either have a super lazy day (which he is entitled to!) Or he'll go fishing. Which again, he's entitled to.

But he doesn't even take half an hour to do do any sort of prep for the baby. I've got friends and family coming in today to help us paint the room because he's gone fishing and has absolutely refused to paint the room. My brother who lives with us has done more than my partner has and it's not his house or baby.

I feel I'm being unreasonable here because he does work long hours, im not working and he is entitled to his relaxing time on his days off. But I also feel like he should be doing more to prepare for baby.

What "prep" can you possibly need him to do, besides paint a room because you've taken exception to the colour it's currently painted?

Hi OP,

AIBU can be really brutal.

Obviously it's hurtful and disappointing that your partner isn't excited and wanting to do things like set up the nursery with you.

It's not 'you job'. It's his baby and he should be supporting you and wanting to prepare for his own baby.

PPs are somewhat right in that there isn't much prep needed for a baby in a practical sense. You need a bassinet and a car seat and some clothes. I think you're more upset about the emotional preparation, knowing you're supported and seeing that he is committed and engaged with the process.

Has be been engaged in other ways? Putting aside money? Going to appointments with you? Choosing names? Talking about school zones? Reading a parenting book?

If you're unable to work due to health reasons, have you looked into whether you can get a Centrelink payment until your 18 weeks of parental payment kicks in?

How do you and your partner sort out money? Is all money shared etc or are expected to fund yourself?

Nobody attacked you.

Why you are not working may in fact be relevant - I asked because the reason for not working makes a difference to what kind of financial support you can get in the UK, and I (wrongly) assumed you were from the UK.

You can’t really come here complaining that he’s lazy but then say you are okay with him being lazy. And IMO he isn’t actually lazy, he’s working nearly two full-time jobs. It sounds like you dislike him.

Again, your working status matters when we are deciding if we would be annoyed that he refused to paint. For example; I would be more sympathetic you for him being “disorganised” if you were on bed rest and couldn’t physically paint the room yourself; which doesn’t sound like the issue here.

He hasn’t done nothing else for the baby. He’s taking sole responsibility for finances for your whole family.

In response to your third post only - no, because it wouldn't cross my mind to do any prep for a baby except from buy a car seat, a bag of nappies and some baby grows. One hours shopping. I honestly didn't even know prepping for a baby was anything anyone did, but I've found out subsequently some people do. Like him, and with benefit of hindsight, I'd be currently spending every last single second of freedom doing exactly what I wanted to do.

Classic Mumsnet. 'Hire a decorator'

She's an unemployed casual worker. She lives with her brother. Her partner might be working 60 hours but he might be staking shelves or driving Uber. It's very possible you are addressing someone who can't afford those sorts of choices.

He’s working 60 hours a week to prepare OP and with all due respects, your baby isn’t due for 8 weeks so what do you think needs doing on a regular basis to prepare for a baby that’s almost 2 months away?

Just saw your updates @Gizzy93
If your mental health is suffering do speak to your midwife or whoever is looking after you, in the UK it could be the perinatal mental health team but not sure about Australia.

Maybe you can find ways to relax and avoid stress, if arguing about painting the room is causing issues just close the door on it.
Yes you'll need to speak to your oarhner and you will need to be a team. If things don't work out that way you will have options. But for now maybe do the prep that is achievable. It's a big change ahead but a very exciting one! 💐

I don't see why prepping for a baby needs to take so long, we got the basics and that was it

Ffs all these people with the ‘no prep’ required.

None of us know what’s required for them.

But at 32 weeks our spare room was a tip and needed complete sorting out, I needed to buy baby clothes, a baby bath and Moses basket, a pram, a car seat. We needed a new bed and other bits and bobs that just come up.

There can be loads to do in the last few weeks.

And if you’re unwell (I was - I was at the hospital twice weekly at that point) you need as much support as you can get.

It might not bother you now that he’s lazy about the housework but it will probably tear you apart in the not so distant future. Your baby will be ill, you will be up all night and all day looking after them, the house will be a mess and you will be exhausted, and he will come home, do fuck all for baby, fuck all for you, not so much as take out the dirty nappies, and go to bed, and you will be filled with rage that he obviously doesn’t love you or baby because how could you love someone and treat them like that? And again the next day and again every single time you need help. He’ll smile at your baby sometimes or take them to the footy and you’ll feel bad that you are thinking of taking his baby away from him but that’s not parenting and not worth staying for.

When I was pregnant with my first baby we were living in a flat while the final touches were put on a house bought. We planned to move by the time the baby was one month old.

My hormones and I decided there was a stain on the top of a wall in the babies room (in the flat we were about to leave) we couldn't live with. My husband, bless him, climbed up a ladder and dutifully scrubbed the imperceptible stain off without a word of complaint because I cared and he cared about supporting me.

It wasn't about the baby. The baby wouldn't have known or cared. It was about supporting me.

That stuff can be ordered online? The guy is working 60 hour weeks, does op really need him to help order a Moses basket?

No, she might not - but she might just need a bit of support.

She’s pregnant with her first baby, too ill to work and her husband isn’t engaging.

Saying ‘prep for the baby’ can mean lots of things to lots of people.

Everyone I know was at the ‘aaaagh - not long now’ stage by 32 weeks including the dads and they were absolutely worrying about pointless bollocks to do with the baby arriving because they were nervous and excited about their child.

My DH was desperate to paint the spare room and have it ready. He was also working 60 hours weeks before our baby arrived. Therefore on the weekends he wanted to be with me and enjoy time before the baby got here and make sure we were all ready.

I'm another one wondering what you want him to do, practically. The room doesn't need painting. In fact the only things I can think of that need doing are things like assembling a crib / next-to-me and pram and you're a while off that being necessary. Otherwise I guess folding baby clothes? Not really taxing stuff.

If he's always been lazy then I guess he'll continue to be lazy , but a 60 hour week is tough.
It sounds as if he's not as excited as you are about the baby, it's nice to get the baby's room ready, put the cot up etc. Maybe he doesn't think it matters but it would be nice if he took a bit of interest just for the ops sake.

This is a bit precious but you're heavily pregnant so you're allowed to be precious. Just wait and judge him on how he is when the baby is here, that's all you can do for now. When the baby is here make sure and take a step back and let him learn it all for himself, even if he is tired. It'll do the whole family good.

Is he being unreasonable? Yes, I think so. You are focusing on the wrong issue though. You aren't being attacked, people are rightly pointing out that this situation could have been avoided. It's easy enough to put up with laziness when you are in good physical health, throw in recovering from a birth a newborn and sleep deprivation and it gets a whole lot harder. I really wish you the best op but at some point you are going to have to face up to the elephant in the room.

Painting a room after a 60 hour week wouldn't be at the top of my 'must do' list. Did he refuse to do it ever or just in a 'can't be arsed this weekend' way?

What other 'prep' is there?
As the only person actually working, the responsibility may be quite overwhelming. After 60 hours of slog, I'm not sure 'prepping' under someone's direction is what I'd want to be doing.

You've acknowledged he's a lazy man. What did you think would happen when you chose to have a baby with him? It's probably best that you don't really understand what you are in for having a baby with a lazy man 🤷‍♀️

If you don't work, maybe he assumes you will. I am not sure what there is to organise other than ordering a cot and pram. I think I organised things I thought I'd need but didn't.

OP hope you’re well.

sorry you feel attacked, but this is AIBU and it’s MN it’s how it tools unfortunately.

You can’t give a snippet of info and then be upset people take a snippet of info and roll with it.

Would I be mad? No. I’d prefer to paint myself anyway though.. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also I fear you’re thinking of this as a woman. This is prep you think you both should be sharing. It sounds like nesting to me. That’s not how men think.
He will engage more with baby once he’s here and more when baby grows up and is a bit more “fun”.

I’d be so happy if my partner worked really hard before baby came as it would mean he might be able to relax a bit and take care of me and baby once baby is born, but that’s me.

@321user123

'He will engage more with baby once he’s here and more when baby grows up and is a bit more “fun”.'

Women post on this very site every day having found out too late that this isn't the case. That their lazy husband turned out to be a lazy father.

I think this is a lie women need to stop telling themselves.

A good father would be emotionally available to the pregnant mother. Especially if she was struggling with her mental health. They wouldn't be saying things to do with the baby are 'your job' while they bugger out the door to go fishing on their only spare day from work.

Actually this. How much is there to prep anyway? I would want my day off too in his place.

Sure that might be the case here and unfortunately we hear it’s the case for any women… but what is the solution here really?
I think it’s neither here nor there as the OP asked if we would be annoyed about the painting.
I wouldn’t because I would be rational about this:

• there is no special prep here for a man
• there is no special prep for the house in modern day other than buying a few things (I’m talking of the bare essentials)
• I’d rather my partner be earning money
• I would have considered the character of my partner way before having children with him and choosing to be his partner. Once I’ve chosen to be his partner it means I’m happy with how things are
• lastly men are different from women and we both have different attitudes and needs.
• after working 60hrs weeks (indicating multiples) he needs a bloody break too. If that means fishing so be it. Albeit there should be family time every now and then and once baby comes I’d expect 75% family time and 25% fishing time.

This . Idk 🤷🏼‍♀️

like realistically… painting a room… is it needed? Is it prep for baby?
honestly I thought OP was talking about learning about children CPR and stuff like that not painting a room. 🙈

Buying stuff for baby.. buggy, cot, clothes… does dad really need to be there? Men often hate shopping on a good day.. imagine after working a 60hr week. Just get it done and daddy pays for it. 🙈 (I know it would be nice and all that, but shop with family or your girlfriends which are so much more likely to enjoy the experience)

I don’t understand what ‘prep’ he should be doing. What is really needed, surely just buying some stuff online which you can do as you have more time?

Babies don’t need their own room right away so why the rush to paint? If you are that keen on doing it now just paint it yourself since you have time