If you had a child when you were young…

[ChiChaNaYubi]

What’s your relationship with that child like compared to your relationships with the children you had when older?

I had my first at 19, she’s the same age as my younger siblings. I love her very much and am a good mum to her but since having my second at 27 I’ve realised that my relationship ship with her feels more like a sibling relationship. With my second I feel like a proper mum.

There’s always been a bit of a disconnect with my eldest and I’m now wondering if this is the reason. She’s kind of more like an annoying little sister who I adore rather than my child. She’s great though. She’s 9 now and we have a lot of fun together but it’s just so different to how I am with my younger one.

I had my eldest a couple of months after I turned 20.

She's my daughter in the same way her younger sister is? I wouldn't say I consider her a sibling in anyway? I think it's weird that you do, did you live with your parents when you had her?

I don’t consider her a sibling i didn’t say that. Just that our relationship is more like a sibling relationship than a motherly one.

My comment still stands.

And I say that as someone with considerably younger siblings.

The relationship is entirely different, which is why I asked if you lived with your parents/parental figures when you had her.

I had my oldest at 17 and youngest followed 3 years later. My youngest seems to be stuck to me like glue and paranoid about her impending sibling impacting our relationship- there is a huge age gap. Oldest is just disgusted that mums had sex 🤣

Oldest does need reminded I’m not just one of her friends and she does have to respect me. We are very close but she is also like an annoying younger sibling who wears my clothes and shoes and often borrows my make up! We do have a great relationship when she’s reminded that I am her mum. Apparently she’s got the coolest mum in the class where as when I was pregnant I was the family disappointment haha!

Hi
I know what you mean, Cause you had her so young yourself,

You hadn't had time to be emotionally be mature enough to develop as an Adult , at that age you are still discovering who you are , what are Healthy boundaries or may be not ?
Also Cause you could have been the first or one of the only few put of your Age peer group starting a family of your own,
And your friends are going out night clubbing ect stressing what clothes to wear to have a good time, whos dating whom ect which seems like trival stuff,
Compared to the life journey track you were starting on early parenthood,
It's a sort of weird paradox
In a way you are still developing emotionally alongside your child development too,

I do get it
As I was officially a Adult at 18 yrs but I was also a young mum, who thought at that Age I was seriously grown up and knew everything ,, even L.o l 😃more than my parents and family friends who were like adoptive Aunties to myself,

I laugh , Cause I can't believe how ridiculous that sounds now, that I thought like that, back then,
How I thought like that, when I was just starting out in life,
I think that just showed my attitude that I was still young Naive at that Age, but with cofindence of youth

I

*With my second I feel like a proper mum.

There’s always been a bit of a disconnect with my eldest and I’m now wondering if this is the reason. She’s kind of more like an annoying little sister who I adore rather than my child. *

This sounds really depressing for your daughter.

Typo mistake I ment to say out not put
Out of peer Age group

I had my first at 17 and my last at 24 can’t say I feel different as a parent to any of them. My youngest is a bit like glue though but that’s just her as a person.

I do wonder like that other poster did you still like at home? Or did your parents help ALOT.

I had my own house and to this day my children only ever have sleepover at a grandparents likely once a year ish. There was no childcare on tap. Ran a home, was a parent and in education with my now dh.

No I didn’t live at home.

I had my daughter at just turned 20. The early years of her life were very hard for both of us. I’ve always felt like her mum but I’ve never felt like I was as good a mum to her as to my other children. Goods probably the wrong word actually, I can’t really explain it.

we are much closer now she has gone away to uni, we get on very well as friends and go out socially eg for lunch or to see bands etc. To be honest, I found being a parent very difficult when I was raising a child on my own and I have found it beneficial to both of us to have had a little bit of space between us- understandable considering I have had her for half my life. But I still always feel like her mum, not her friend.

We rarely argue, we’re very different, we get on well. It’s hard to explain how the dynamic works. My other two are still young so it’s hard to know how it will be different.

I had my first at 16, second at 26, 3rd at 31. My eldest is 29 now and we are very close (a son), I’m closest to him more than my other kids, I guess because it was just me and him for a long time. I guess I was / am a better mum 2nd and 3rd time around, as I’m more settled, have more money etc.

Had mine as a teen and never felt like their sibling

I had my first at 20, he’s now 32, he and I get on great. He’s very independent but at the same time comes to me with any problems, he likes to talk over big decisions too. He’s laid back, kind and funny. He’s my easiest child.

Had my eldest at 19, he's 21 now and we have a great relationship but as mother and son

I had my 1st at 16. It doesn't feel any different then my relationship with his brothers .

I've certainly never seen him as an annoying little sibling, adored or not . I think that's just odd

I had my daughter at 21, shes a teen now, very good relationship and super close. However she's an only child so can't judge against younger siblings.

My mum had me at 17 and we have a close relationship but not a typical mother/daughter relationship. My mum relies on me a lot and treats me different to my siblings. My sisters joke that I'm my mums emotional support child. Eg my mum will call my sisters to check how they are, are they OK for money etc. But calls me because she needs help and advice not to check how I am.

Hi Op
I think you are just honest, maybe too honest for mumsnet,

I don't think even good enough mother's are perfect,
I think all mothers have times in which they might find their children a bit irritating for e.g if mother is exhausted , it's time of the month feeling like shit ect,

I think self reflection is a good thing,
As least you are aware of this,

So you can act on this, according,

Such as if you feeling like this it may be a sign of vitamin deficiency,?
It could be you are not having enough support in your life in regards of bringing up your daughter ?

This feeling of feeling of disconnect feeling in regards of oldest child to youngest child feeling more of a mum now to youngest and finding oldest irritating,

Could be just simply a reflection of your oldest child's Age , for e.g if your child is a teenager, ect
Then it's understandable you will encounter experience various different challenges with each Age stages of any child you have,
Which is typical behaviour challenges of that age range for a child,

Also this disconnect feeling you are currently experiencing with your oldest and youngest children,
Could a reflection a manifesting of the kind of family dynamics you grew up in?

Did you have OK childhood or was it a confusing mixed bag, of childhood or Crap childhood?

Have a think about all the points I have brought up @ChiChaNaYubi

It could be a mix of most of these points or some of them?

If its mixed up family childhood dynamics you experienced ,
Have a reflection whether going into having a bit /some therapy would be beneficial for you too,
To look at this and address what your feelings are trying to tell you

Ellooo @ChiChaNaYubi ?
Where are you ?

OP you should read about enmeshed parenting- you might recognise it in your relationship with your daughter as it's common in young mother/daughter relationships.

I get where you are coming from OP. I had my first very young and my 2nd 15 years later.

I felt that I 'grew up' with my first. I was a child and had so much growing to do, so yes, a little like a sibling.

However, he is now 35 and we have a wonderful relationship.

I agree you're being too honest for MN 😂

I had mine young. I totally get what you mean about sibling dynamics at times. I am definitely mum but yes definitely get the dynamic you mean.

Mine are older now. I'm very happy I didn't and won't have another child and I've got my life ahead of me with almost adult dc. Sometimes I get a pang of - I wonder what it would have been like to do it 'properly'. But my dc are happy, loved, secure and doing well. I do know I'd be a different mum if I had a child at 30 or 35 rather than when I was 17. But also, very glad I didn't know amd didn't give AF about the multitude of parenting angst you read about on MN for babies/toddlers/primary aged dc. I just got on with it and so did they!

OP has a big age gap between her kids though. What's your age gap between your kids?

It's understandable if you have 1 child then another 8 years later especially if you have your first DC young too.

I had my eldest at 19, he’s now 27. We’ve always had a good relationship. Obviously it’s different now he’s an adult but we’re still close and he phones me all the time, especially when he’s got something he needs advice on or has news. And I love that I’m the one of the first people he thinks to call.

My younger two are 17 and 14 and my relationships with those are similar. Circumstances are different with my younger two as I’m married to their dad. With my eldest his dad and I were together until he was 4.

From the other side - my mum had me at 19 and I'd say we have more of a sibling relationship than mother and daughter however she is autistic and emotionally immature so that also maybe a factor.

I was 26 when I had my first baby, they're still young but I feel more motherly than I expected my mum did.

First at 18, second 23, third 26 and they have all felt the same. Never felt like siblings, just my kids.

Although I did essentially raise my younger sibling and have to parent my mum and older disabled siblings. In a sense I've always been a mother, but there is a distinct difference between how I view the people who didn't come out of me.