If you had a child when you were young…

[ChiChaNaYubi]

What’s your relationship with that child like compared to your relationships with the children you had when older?

I had my first at 19, she’s the same age as my younger siblings. I love her very much and am a good mum to her but since having my second at 27 I’ve realised that my relationship ship with her feels more like a sibling relationship. With my second I feel like a proper mum.

There’s always been a bit of a disconnect with my eldest and I’m now wondering if this is the reason. She’s kind of more like an annoying little sister who I adore rather than my child. She’s great though. She’s 9 now and we have a lot of fun together but it’s just so different to how I am with my younger one.

I understand what you mean.
I had my eldest at 18, she's now 19. When she was little, because I was young, I did a lot more things that older siblings did, treat or irresponsible things- couldn't be bothered to cook sometimes so carpet picnic for dinner, decide to leave the housework and go out somewhere random in the car for the day, lots of car dancing with the music on high, book a holiday when I should have spent on the house, days out shopping and ice cream together. I was responsible enough, always well fed, roof over our head, bills paid and no debt, but we very much lived for that time. Single parent, btw.

Now I'm a parent again in my late 30s with a 3 year old, and I feel very much like a more typical mum. Much more secure, concentrating on living in a nicer area, good schools, healthy food, all that jazz. Much less fun, young mum I suppose. They will have very different childhoods.

I have to remind myself to 'parent' the eldest sometimes. She's very self sufficient and independent, so it's not my first nature to jump in and look after her. She's away at uni at the moment, and I make a point of trying to check in a few times a week, but I don't naturally worry about her- probably because I know how okay I was at looking after myself at that age, and assume she will be the same.

I had my eldest at 19 and youngest at 32. There is differences to the way they have been raised but I think that happens with any subsequent children - no one gets a manual on raising kids, it’s very much a make it up as you go along thing, so obviously I tried things with my eldest that I decided didn’t work so don’t do that with my youngest. Also lockdown threw out many of the rules and routines I had created especially regarding electronics. Plus all dc are different and have different personalities and you adjust your parenting to each of those - I have one child with asd and ocd and another child who is so laid back he’s practically horizontal and they do require parenting differently.

it’s really hard to compare the relationship I have with my eldest (who’s 19, living away at uni etc) with my youngest who’s 7. Of course I’m probably more “friends” with the eldest because, at 19, they don’t require a lot of parenting - guiding and advising, but I’m not going to be telling her to use her manners and that it’s time for bath and bed etc, like I do with my 7yr old. I’d like to think that when he’s an adult, I will have the same relationship with them all

I’ve just read @anon2022anon’s post and yes I remember carpet picnics with my dd (exactly the same age and also was a single mum). She’d tell stories about how we use to put up a two person tent in the living room and have “camping nights” where we would sleep in there, and how once we decorated our hallway to turn it into a fairy grotto. I was definitely more fun.
I think it’s much harder now I’m married with 3 more dc, because you suddenly have to consider so many more people and conflicting schedules. That and the world back in 2004 was very different to 2023 - we didn’t have internet or a laptop until dd was 5, and smartphones weren’t a thing either. The only electronic entertainment we had was CBeebies, so I think that has changed things a lot

There’s some really
unnecessarily mean comments on here which is why I haven’t been replying much. I don’t know what a Radford is but I can only imagine it’s meant as an insult. I’m a great mum to BOTH of my children. It’s just that my relationship with my elder one is very different to the little one and I was musing in why this could be. After spending some time with my siblings over the Easter break it did occur to me that maybe that’s why. I was still a kid myself essentially when I had her. Now I’m married with a mortgage and a career and some money behind me. It all feels very different.

I had my oldest two when I was younger than 19. I don’t feel they’re like my siblings or feel a disconnect. I feel just as close to them and as much like their mum as I feel I’m mum to their two younger siblings.

I do definitely have a feeling of having ‘grown up’ with my eldest if that makes sense. When I look back at photos of us when he was a baby I feel I’m looking at two kids and we’re two different people now. Like he’s known me as a kid and as myself. Whereas with my younger two when I look at their baby pictures I’m still ‘mum’ in those. I don’t know if that makes any sense!

I had my son at 19, he's now 16 and I recently had my daughter at 34, she is 9 months so big age gap.

I get where you're coming from with the very different relationships but I don't feel like I have a sibling like relationship with my son.
I do feel like I'm a totally different mother to each child though.

I was a very different woman and so mother at 19 years old to the woman and mother I am now.

I'm obviously still my teenage son's mother now but I feel the relationship I will have with my daughter when she's teenage will be quite different to what me and my son have but not in a bad way.

This is a bit of a ramble really and I've probably missed my own point but I get you!

I had my eldest three weeks after turning 19 and my youngest when I was 26.

As babies I felt like I copied what my sister did when I had my eldest (I have a niece the same age) but with my youngest I felt more confident to do things how I wanted to.

I still feel like a mum to both. Eldest is 17 now and I still feel like his mum.

This thread has been really interesting and has made me think . I had my son at just 19 , he is 29 now has a partner 2 kids and runs his own business he has always been very independent and left home at 18 . But I think if maybe he had been my daughter ( had her at 27) then yes I could see how we could have ended up being very sibling like . So I think personalities / independence probably has a lot to do with it .

I had my first at 17, my second at 24, my third at 25 and my last at 32 - I feel the same towards all of my children.

My eldest is now 20 and yes, definitely a different relationship now in comparison to my 6 year old but only because of the massive age gap and the fact my eldest is a young adult.

But they’re as much as my child as all of my other children.

It always piques my intrigue/gets my attention when someone describes their child(ren) as like ‘their sibling(s)’, from a professional perspective 😪 it means that child likely and arguably may have missed out on some important aspects of being parented and having an ongoing parent/child relationship - even as an adult 🥺

What things do you think children miss out on? Would you mind elaborating rather than just putting crying emojis?

Everyone here is doing their best so it does pay to assume positive intent. It's very hurtful to have people suggest that you're doing something wrong by your child, so if you genuinely think there's room for improvement, it would be useful to be able to explain that in a more sympathetic or at least neutral way. It tends to push people away and make them defensive if you start with how awful/sad it is. I'm always open to different ideas or perspective but I won't pretend it's not hurtful to have somebody basically claim that your parenting is wrong/harmful in some way.

You mean you share the same sense of humour and interests rather an actual sibling style relationship.

I can have some mean jokes with my oldest his a rather dark sense of humour as do I. That’s just a personality type of thing. He loves gaming not really my thing but I would nod my head and oh wow that’s great as his showing me him killing some monster threw the head 😅 just the same as my 7 year old wanting me to watch a Barbie fashion show I give no shits about.

The difference tho say between the two if we forgot the middle for a second is the age though and personality. I couldn’t have dead person jokes with a 7 year old it wouldn’t work. My oldest however will start them so I join in. Just like I can have those dark jokes with my mother but I could not with my mil as she is not that kinda person.

My 7 year old may well have an amazing sense of humour when she’s older or she may not. My middle is heading that way.

I actually feel my youngest it too babied by her farther for being the last born plus she is more of a princess than the older rougher two. Not that, that stops daddy rushing out for mc flurry’s when the middle has a “tummy ache” as she’s then a princess 😂😂

But none of that is our ages it’s the children’s personality’s and how they fit in with ours as they mature into teenage years rather than just little kids.

I had my first at 20 and second at 26. I adore them both but found my eldest a lot harder. I was so worried about what everyone thought about me I wanted to be perfect. I love spending time with her as she became older and we love similar things too.

I think the people here who say they're parentong differently because of ages - ie, can't have the same joke with a 6 year old as an 18 year old- arent quite grasping the point. That's something for every parent, and nothing to do with the relationship you have. Or even personality - we help shape their personality. So if you're not sharing those dark jokes with your youngest, but you are with your eldest, is it because when you were younger you were more likely to have those jokes with a 7/8/9/10 year old, because your relationship was a bit more light hearted and not quite as enmeshed in the roles of mum and son as the relationship with your youngest is?

@ADHDmam so from your perspective, are you the same mum now that you were 20 years ago? That would surprise me- I don't know anyone whose parenting has remained the same for decades, and mainly it improves with experience. If it has changed, you're being a little bit hypocritical with your post. Just because someone describes their relationship as sibling like doesn't mean that they don't parent, just that they parent in a different way, and in no way needs a sad face emoji.

Never shared a dark joke with any of my children till the oldest shared one with me.

Bit weird to decide I must of parented different because my children have their own personalities.

My dh and his sibling are totally different yet only 3 years between them to older parents. Different personalities same parents. Same upbringing. 🙄

@ADHDmam I'm not trying to be offensive or argumentative with it at anyway, just saying, we grow up, as well as the kids, and surely that also reflects in your parenting? In myself, for starters, the energy levels I had as an 18 year old are down the drain as a 37 year old 😂. And whenever I meet a mum with a similar age difference to mine, the common theme that comes out is that energy is lower as you get older, but patience is a bit easier to come by in return. My eldest is quick to argue with me, and as a younger mum I was quick to react to it- in a way that is typical of a young adult. All well and good as my daughter was a child, but as a teen, things escalated quickly. I can see that pattern emerging again a little with my little one, but now, because I'm older, and because I've had chance to see what happens if I carry on parenting that way, I'm trying to shape my parenting differently this time. That's a positive of this situation, I can see how some things shape the children's personalities.

Of course personalities do have an affect on your relationship, but would any of your DH and his siblings reflect that one had a more sibling relationship with his parents than the others, the way the OP is asking? And would it have changed if one sibling was 16 years older, instead of a 3 year age gap?

This isn't me trying to be argumentative, just reflecting on the OP and what I read from it, and reflecting on my own experiences too. It's an interesting subject, and it's not too often that I meet mums who were similar ages to me at first. And even if you do, as the OP has found through this thread, people can be very judgemental with it, and dissecting your relationship with the child/ now adult isn't easy.

I was thinking earlier how my kids memories of me, as a person will be completely different. My eldest will see me as a more fun loving person I think, who went out with friends on nights out in little dresses and high shoes, who took them to pop concerts and knew all the words along with them, who had friends over to stay and did McDonald's runs, along with putting them to bed, making rubbish birthday cakes, going to the park, typical mum stuff. My youngest now wouldn't recognise that as mum (apart from the bed and park, obviously), but will have a completely different perception of me. I don't think that would be the case if I'd have had them with a 3 year age gap.

Anyway, all very interesting and thought provoking.