If you had a child when you were young…

[ChiChaNaYubi]

What’s your relationship with that child like compared to your relationships with the children you had when older?

I had my first at 19, she’s the same age as my younger siblings. I love her very much and am a good mum to her but since having my second at 27 I’ve realised that my relationship ship with her feels more like a sibling relationship. With my second I feel like a proper mum.

There’s always been a bit of a disconnect with my eldest and I’m now wondering if this is the reason. She’s kind of more like an annoying little sister who I adore rather than my child. She’s great though. She’s 9 now and we have a lot of fun together but it’s just so different to how I am with my younger one.

I had my eldest at 19, and my younger dc at 38 and 41. I've always felt like a parent to all my dc, and never like a sibling. I grew up fast and was emotionally mature with my youngest so took on the parenting responsibility without much drama or anxiety - just got on with it, as pp say. But I have more life experience with my younger dc so
am more relaxed about it now

Definitely always felt like a parent but love the relationship I have with my now grown daughter. She is now still a daughter, but also very much a friend. I feel the same way about my last born, though they still need me in the mother role in a different way. There is still more responsibility with the younger ones, if that makes sense. Eldest is fully independent.

I had my first at 19. I feel same as you. She’s more like a sibling than a daughter in some ways. She’s a good girl, an easy teenager as teenagers go. I definitely feel more of a mum to my other kids, never thought about it till now though

OP I know exactly what you mean.

I had DS1 at 20. He's now 14. DS2 and DS3 when I was 30/33.

I sometimes have had dreams where DS1 and my (younger) sister are interchangeable characters. I think that must mean they exist in a similar context to me subconsciously. DH (who is not DS1's bio dad but has been around since he was 2) used to say that we sounded like siblings arguing. I guess that perhaps at that age I just didn't really have any experience of managing people/being a leader, except for as a bigger sibling. As a consequence, I've always been drawn to parenting approaches which are more egalitarian/collaborative. I do believe in the positives of these approaches, but I can see with hindsight that I was actually looking for ways not to be a leader, and that probably hindered them working as effectively as they should. We had a lot of clashes when he was between the ages of 3-6. From birth to 3 or so it was so lovely, we had a great relationship and I felt like a combination of animal/Earth mother and best friends. I don't really know what was happening when he was 3/4/5 except perhaps he was seeking boundaries and I wasn't very good at providing them in a calm way? I am better with DS2 who is 4.5 now, although still get annoyed at him in some of the same ways I used to get annoyed with DS1. It's possible that I just massively spoiled DS1 and let him get away with anything which then made him a PITA at those slightly older ages. (He is fine now. Annoying in the way teenagers generally are, but no trouble and chilled as teenagers go.)

DH is still baffled as to why I can't/won't be authoritative or lay down the law with DS1. Honestly I don't get it either, but I think it's a bit late to start now when he's just likely to kick back against it. I try to use a problem solving, mentor type role instead, and in return he has quite a bit more freedom/independence than I think most kids his age have. We have a different relationship to the one I have with the younger kids, and I think that's OK. I've spent lots of time feeling guilty about it, worrying about it, but realistically it's never going to be exactly the same - I'm not the same person I was ten years ago, and I don't think that trying to force the exact same parenting on both DS1 and the younger two is even appropriate.

I had dd1 at 19 and can honestly say I've always felt like her mother.
I was not brought up by someone who didn't parent well and that is not a mistake I have made.
I had dd2 4 years later and they are both exactly the same.
I've never felt like a sibling to either of them

I was 19 when I had my eldest and our relationship is incredible. He's 16 now and we're still amazingly close.

Funnily enough though I was constantly told from my mother, "you're like his sister/you're not like a mum, you're like his sister" which was shite, she just was jealous of our wonderful relationship.
I think young parents get that alot which makes them doubtful.

I used to think, I pay a mortgage, I work full time and pay childcare, I bought his clothes and paid for all his food, I never asked for babysitting etc, how the fuck was that being a sister? Still pisses me off.

How sad. I had my first at 19 too. Definitely felt like a proper mum, felt no different to children I had when older.
It is only recently that it has become 'normal' to have your first baby much older.

Had my first at 19, second at 24.

I'm very close with both. My eldest has learning disabilities and I've always been there fighting his corner so I guess that helps our bond.

My mother had me at 21, but she had all of us close together and was done having children by 25. We are close, but not like friends, she definitely tries to mother me at every opportunity 😆

It's strange because I have friends that are her age (60) or older, that I talk about 'friends' things with, that I would never talk to my mum about.

I had my eldest when I was 20, and still refer to him as "bairn" even though he has 2 children of his own.
He was, and always will be, my child.

I had my first at 21, last at 30.

I can't say there's any difference in how I feel towards them as a mother in general...but my oldest/youngest are currently 15 and 5 so there are obviously huge differences in how I treat them.

There's no doubt that I have a more 'equal' relationship with my 15 year old. But he's 15 so that's to be expected...we debate things, sometimes he chooses and cooks dinner, he takes himself off out alone, far more autonomy etc.

I also feel a bit less instinctively 'protective' towards him. For example, if someone was being mean to him in school then my first suggestion would be along the lines of 'how would you like to address this' and I can look at it totally subjectively, whilst still being on his side and acting as a parent. However, if the 5 year old came home crying that xyz mean boy had been awful to him, I still get a bit of the automatic protective internal rage feeling towards the perpetrator that my baby has been harmed, before I put my reasonable adult hat on 😂

I think that's just a natural progression though through the stages of having your tiny helpless baby, then a young child that still relies on you for everything to a near-adult/self sufficient being where you start stepping back.

I don't think it's particularly linked to the age I had them. I suppose the only way to know for sure will be when they're both adults.

I had my first at 17, second at 22. I completely agree with what you say. I don't feel like there is the same relationship or feelings there. Not sure why but it's been noticed off my close friends and family

I understand this.

Had my first at 21, second at 35 (14 year age gap). My eldest is 16 and youngest is 2. I honestly feel like I am an entirely different mother now than I was back then, and the dynamic is very different. I'm obviously both of their mum, but I'm a very different mum to each, if that makes sense. I'd probably say I'm a better mum to my youngest now than I was to my eldest when she was the same age, simply because I have the benefit of life experience and better financial situation now.

I understand what you're saying, OP. The dynamic is totally different.

I had mine at 21 and 23, I definitely don’t feel like I have a sibling relationship with my either of them but I do feel incredibly immature compared to some other mums at times!

It sounds like you maybe didn't bond in the same way when she was a baby. You can improve the relationship but increasing the 1:1 time you spend doing positive things together.

I had one when I was young and one a relatively older mum. 14 years apart. I feel the same way about both of them.

I don't think it's weird or bad.

My eldest sometimes felt more like my little sister. She was born whilst I lived at home and she has no relationship with her biological father.

My youngest was born with my partner, while I was living more like an adult. He also looks just like his father and nothing like me, so no chance of him feeling like a sibling

I Never Said she feels like a sibling. I said our relationship is like a sibling relationship. As in, we banter a lot, we take the piss out of each other, we share some interests, she is older than some of my siblings so we all kind of lump in together. I do all the mum stuff. But I don’t see myself being like that with my son. But then he’s still little so you never know.

I think you're imagining older mothers are very conservative, leave bonding to the nanny or whoever.
I think most mothers joke around, or banter, with their children. My children share some interests with their grandparents and joke around with them, their oldest grandparent is in their 60s. I don't think anyone would try to argue it is a more sibling like relationship.

I have a friend, who had her first the same age my mother became a grandmother., 42. They play and joke around too, despite her being, what I consider, Granny aged. I don't think you're describing anything different there. My children do share some interests with their grandparents too, oldest is in their 60s!

I do wonder though if you felt belittled being younger? People are still condescending to me sometimes. It is the worst bit of being a 'young' mother. They act like you don't know what you're doing, and talk down to you about what a great job you're doing despite you're age. I honestly just look at them like they have two heads. It is the best time biologically, women have done an amazing job at becoming mothers at what was once the normal time for a very long time.

I can see why other people's comments would grind you down, make you feel it is different etc.

Are you a Radford? It is unusual for families to have very large age gaps like that, and children after the grandchildren. Doesn't mean they're all lumped in together and it is more sibling like just because they did opt to have more children. Though I could imagine that being said by the radfords!

I was 22 when DD was born. She is now an adult and we are good friends. We go out together and go on holiday together but we are still mother/ daughter and don’t share our inner most thoughts.

How would a 3 year old know about sex, this doesn’t ring true

I had my first just before I turned 20

i wasn’t as confident in my abilities with it being my first and I think I spent a lot of time worrying about ageist judgements and realised (out loud on one occasion) there’s not one parent I know who is in any real position to judge me we’re all lacking in some area, and once I absorbed that reality things got better and I got more confident in my parenting

he’s a teen now and yes my relationship with him is more “bantery “ and it is different to my younger children because obviously his comprehension and sense of humour has changed

I had my eldest at 18 , she is a teenager now and I am in my early 30's with 2 more children under 5, we were very much a mother and daughter relationship until my second came along and now I have the two younger ones and the parenting is at that intense stage with them yes the relationship does feel different and more sibling like and honestly some days I feel like we have lost our bond , all the years when it was just me and her I never questioned my age but now I feel too young to be the parent of a teenager and I don't know how to be a mum to her anymore .

I had my first at 20 haven't had anymore she's now 10 and yes takes my clothes tries on my shoes 🤣 she's very tall and has size 5 shoes so just a shoe sizes behind. I'm flattered she thinks I'm cool I used to never nick my mum's stuff as she was dowdy. I am very playful but strict when I need to be.

I'm not sure this is really about your relationship with your DC and it's a dangerous line of thought... You seem quite openly to be preferring this experience of having your son. This leads you to look for reasons why you didn't feel like a 'proper mum' the first time round. But plenty of women have children at 19 and feel perfectly maternal. Because it's relatively unconventional now and sods up your education, I'd say it's daft to have a baby at 19 unless you have an overwhelming need. Conversely many of us wouldn't have been ready in our late 20s, either.

Was DD unplanned? Do both children have the same father? What had his involvement been like?