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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit miffed he's cancelled our date

74 replies

dusty890 · 06/04/2023 19:22

I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months now. We see each other once, maybe twice a week due to both having kids (we've not introduced yet) and it seems to be going well. He has his kids probably 60/40 (60 to him). They are 14 and 17.

He's had/got his kids for all of the Easter school hols, and he's taking them away tomorrow until Wednesday. We had a date planned for tonight (only night he didn't have his kids). I got a text this morning to say that he'd completely forgotten that he'd promised to take his kids to do something tonight (think along the lines of cinema so can go anytime), so we're going to have to cancel and rearrange for when he's back from holiday. He was fairly apologetic.

I'd be interested to know what others would feel about this?

OP posts:
Greensleevevssnotnose · 06/04/2023 19:24

Kids always first imo

pipppp · 06/04/2023 19:24

Seems like a genuine mistake on his part, personally this wouldn't bother me.

Sapphire387 · 06/04/2023 19:26

I'd feel a bit put out, too.

Meandfour · 06/04/2023 19:27

First instinct; good dad. He doesn’t want to let his kids down and that’s a huge GREEN flag for me.
no concern whatsoever from this. Wish him a lovely holiday and you’ll see him when he’s back.

Coffeellama · 06/04/2023 19:29

It’s a shame but that’s just how it is when you are both parents, it’s like passing ships sometimes. He’s a good dad so worth keeping around as you can both understand that your own kids come first. Understandable to be disappointed though.

PacificallyRequested · 06/04/2023 19:29

I would not be bothered in the slightest.

samestyle · 06/04/2023 19:33

It wouldn't bother me, he's spending time with his kids over Easter, as long as he's normally good with plans.

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/04/2023 19:33

I don’t think it matters that he could go to the cinema (or whatever) any time; it’s the fact that he promised his children he’d spend time with them and doesn’t want to let them down.

I’d probably be disappointed (one of the reasons I’d never rate a parent) but as an adult I’d also pick my lip off the floor and reason preferable for me to be disappointed than for children to be disappointed.

notsurewherenotsurewhy · 06/04/2023 19:34

I think I would feel disappointed, but objectively think it's the right thing to do and overall be reassured that he's a good'un.

ZeroWorshipHere · 06/04/2023 19:35

It’s a new relationship and he’s made a promise to his kids. Tbh it wouldn’t matter if one of his kids asked him last minute or if he forgot - he’s only human and his kids come first.

chill out a bit

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 06/04/2023 19:37

I might get a bit disappointed that I was now just going to sit at home but he's putting his kids first, you can't moan.

Weallgottachangesometime · 06/04/2023 19:38

I can imagine it’s disappointing if you’ve been looking forward to seeing him, but it is the right decision.

It’s a breath of fresh air to see children being prioritised. They getting older to his kids, so I expect he’s making the most of it before they fly the nest.

curtaintwitcher23 · 06/04/2023 19:38

If I'd been looking forward to it I'd be totally disappointed and frustrated regardless of the undoubtedly noble reasons.
I'd say if it's still bothering you tomorrow then you obviously need to consider your options as his responsibilities are meaning he can't meet your expectations for a relationship but if you are totally over it in the morning all good.

HatchedInALaboratory · 06/04/2023 19:41

If he a good person and your relationship is healthy, then it’s not a big deal. He made a mistake, he apologised, he’s being a good dad.

If there’s more to it, be honest with yourself and get rid.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/04/2023 19:44

I think it's fine to feel disappointed but not something I would be super pissed off about.
He unfortunately forgot previous plans, he let you know in the morning so not a last minute thing, you haven't said if he's done this before so I assume he is usually good with keeping dates.
He kept a promise to his children, your date can happen anytime, maybe the film they want to see is nearly finished at the cinema.

From this snippet he sounds like a good dad.

WillowtreeHouse · 06/04/2023 19:49

Well I'd be disappointed not to see him but would completely understand the situation and would think he was a decent man for putting his kids first.

Do you believe that he should put you before his children?

MzHz · 06/04/2023 19:50

Kids come first SOMETIMES, and always when critically important

this isn’t necessarily one of those times.

it’s important that sometimes partners come first.

martyr yourself for your kids and it’s a LOT harder to make marriages/relationships work.

LemonPeonies · 06/04/2023 19:54

Well, would you choose a date over a promise you made to your own kids? I would hope not, so get over it and be happy you've found a decent dad, they're a rare breed.

LemonPeonies · 06/04/2023 20:00

@MzHz I disagree, no relationship is more important than with your children and no relationship that didn't last because of that would be worth it anyway. Thankfully both me and my DP think this way and we're very happy.

Greenfairydust · 06/04/2023 20:02

Actually I would be suspicious.

If I have read this correctly he was not due to look after his kids tonight.

Then suddenly he claims he had forgotten they had made plan to go the cinema.

That doesn't make sense. They are together the rest of the week so plenty of opportunity to see films then...

My instinct would be that this is an excuse and he is doing something else entirely.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 06/04/2023 20:10

Greenfairydust · 06/04/2023 20:02

Actually I would be suspicious.

If I have read this correctly he was not due to look after his kids tonight.

Then suddenly he claims he had forgotten they had made plan to go the cinema.

That doesn't make sense. They are together the rest of the week so plenty of opportunity to see films then...

My instinct would be that this is an excuse and he is doing something else entirely.

His kids wanted to go to the cinema with him and he agreed. There's probably not much more too it. God forbid they don't only see him on a set day.

MyopicBunny · 06/04/2023 20:12

It depends on whether it's a genuine oversight or whether he's now using his kids to fob you off.

You should never ignore your instincts.

Inthebathagain · 06/04/2023 20:21

I'd feel disappointed too, but would have moved on by the morning.

But worth keeping an eye on... This was how my XBF started with his 12 yr old son about 3 months in. A one off "I forgot I promised my son..." Then a "my son wants to do something last minute on the only evening you and I have already got booked in, sorry" I was really pleased he was being a good dad, but as time progressed, these increased in frequency. I was seeing XBF one weekday evening every 3 weeks for a while because of it.

It turned into poor parenting in my eyes, as he was allowing his son to believe his dad was at his beck and call. XBF had him 70% of the time, and son would be given as much of the remaining 30% he wanted to have.

I've always taught my children that they are the most important to me and always get priority in emergencies. My children know I wouldn't cancel a planned night out with friends because they last minute fancied watching a film with me.

So yes OP, be miffed tonight and eat ice cream. Enjoy the anticipation of seeing him when he gets back. And monitor if this happens again when he gets home.

All the best.

Justalittlebitduckling · 06/04/2023 20:22

Disappointing but it sounds like he’s trying to do the right thing and I think cancelling on his kids would be worse.

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 06/04/2023 20:29

Sounds like a good dad, I’d find that very attractive