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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit miffed he's cancelled our date

74 replies

dusty890 · 06/04/2023 19:22

I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months now. We see each other once, maybe twice a week due to both having kids (we've not introduced yet) and it seems to be going well. He has his kids probably 60/40 (60 to him). They are 14 and 17.

He's had/got his kids for all of the Easter school hols, and he's taking them away tomorrow until Wednesday. We had a date planned for tonight (only night he didn't have his kids). I got a text this morning to say that he'd completely forgotten that he'd promised to take his kids to do something tonight (think along the lines of cinema so can go anytime), so we're going to have to cancel and rearrange for when he's back from holiday. He was fairly apologetic.

I'd be interested to know what others would feel about this?

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 06/04/2023 20:29

Green flag behaviour. Not disappointed at all, happy he's a decent dad.

Macaroni46 · 06/04/2023 20:32

MzHz · 06/04/2023 19:50

Kids come first SOMETIMES, and always when critically important

this isn’t necessarily one of those times.

it’s important that sometimes partners come first.

martyr yourself for your kids and it’s a LOT harder to make marriages/relationships work.

I agree but it's not a popular opinion on MN.

grivelling · 06/04/2023 20:34

I'm surprised you even mentioned being introduced to the kids after saying you e been seeing each other once or twice a week for four months. That's very early stages especially where kids are involved. So you have seen each other in person maybe eight times in total? I think you need to calm down a bit.

ArmitageShanked · 06/04/2023 20:34

I really hope that you haven't thrown a hissy fit about this.

He's fine.

Kids come first regardless of age.

Also if he's got them for a week, maybe he thinks he comes first too.
I would. I do 90/10... I might think yes - it would be great to go out. Then think, I actually can't be arsed

If any date was awkward about that - bye.

ArmitageShanked · 06/04/2023 20:37

Macaroni46 · 06/04/2023 20:32

I agree but it's not a popular opinion on MN.

Show quote history

His kids are trend. Clearly he is not martyring himself.

Sometimes you just can't be arsed and it's not martyrdom - it's relaxing on your own.

If he wanted to see OP he would have made it happen.

ArmitageShanked · 06/04/2023 20:38

trend = teenagers.

MyopicBunny · 06/04/2023 20:40

They are not little kids - they are 14 plus.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/04/2023 20:56

I agree that your spouse should come first unless obviously there is an emergency/fragile situation or abuse.

However op has only been dating this man for 4 months, she doesn't know the dynamic between him and his children, they do come first right now.

Redebs · 06/04/2023 21:03

Meandfour · 06/04/2023 19:27

First instinct; good dad. He doesn’t want to let his kids down and that’s a huge GREEN flag for me.
no concern whatsoever from this. Wish him a lovely holiday and you’ll see him when he’s back.

Yep agree

marmitegirl01 · 06/04/2023 21:07

Macaroni46 · 06/04/2023 20:32

I agree but it's not a popular opinion on MN.

Show quote history

I also agree. Especially as kids are older and he’s about to holiday with them.
Id say it’s an excuse and thin end of the wedge.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/04/2023 21:09

I’d wait and see what happens next.

If it’s genuine, it’s good he puts his kids first.

He’s very apologetic which is a good sign, as flakey people, fobbers-off tend not to be, and prefer to style it out.

If he’s not genuine and this is an excuse it’ll soon become clear after the hols

coodawoodashooda · 06/04/2023 22:19

Meandfour · 06/04/2023 19:27

As long as he is telling the truth then I agree with this.

Meandfour · 06/04/2023 22:24

MzHz · 06/04/2023 19:50

Kids come first SOMETIMES, and always when critically important

this isn’t necessarily one of those times.

it’s important that sometimes partners come first.

martyr yourself for your kids and it’s a LOT harder to make marriages/relationships work.

He’s been a dad for 17 years and he’s known OP 16 weeks. It’s pretty clear who he should be prioritising.

WillowtreeHouse · 07/04/2023 06:11

MzHz · 06/04/2023 19:50

Kids come first SOMETIMES, and always when critically important

this isn’t necessarily one of those times.

it’s important that sometimes partners come first.

martyr yourself for your kids and it’s a LOT harder to make marriages/relationships work.

He and the OP have only been dating for a very short time. I would view anyone in the same situation, male or female, as someone unreliable and disappointing if they bumped their children down the priority ladder as soon as they started seeing someone new.

This happens far too often; someone new comes on the scene, the children are suddenly not quite as important. Then people wonder where resentment comes from.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 06:20

I'd be disappointed too.

He's about to spend almost a week with his kids, so IMO it's actually pretty poor behaviour to ditch his girlfriend at the last minute just so they can go to the cinema with him.

They have all weekend/most of next week to go to the cinema. They're not toddlers - they're old enough to understand their dad has plans tonight and they'll see him tomorrow instead.

It's not an immediate red flag but I do think it's something to keep an eye on. Yes, children should come first when it's needed but this is a cinema trip, not an emergency that requires his presence.

I'm quite surprised that so many people would ditch their existing plans for a cinema trip they they could do at any point over the next week!

Aprilx · 07/04/2023 07:04

As a one off, I wouldn’t be too bothered, even if it as nothing to do with his children, sometimes people need to cancel things.

DinosWillGetYou · 07/04/2023 07:27

If it’s a one off, occasional, cancellation I think it’s ok and understandable, although you are of course also right to be disappointed. If it’s a pattern and he regularly cancels then no it’s not.
I imagine your free time is also precious so being cancelled on, especially last minute, is very disrespectful.

thegrain · 07/04/2023 07:30

It's ok to feel disappointed but he's apologised and he can't let his kids down.

WillowtreeHouse · 07/04/2023 07:31

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 06:20

I'd be disappointed too.

He's about to spend almost a week with his kids, so IMO it's actually pretty poor behaviour to ditch his girlfriend at the last minute just so they can go to the cinema with him.

They have all weekend/most of next week to go to the cinema. They're not toddlers - they're old enough to understand their dad has plans tonight and they'll see him tomorrow instead.

I'm quite surprised that so many people would ditch their existing plans for a cinema trip they they could do at any point over the next week!

Maybe it was 'needed'. Maybe his kids need to spend time with their dad, we have no idea what their situation is or what's been going on. It's not really for anyone who has been dating for a very short time to say what is needed between a parent and their children. The OP thankfully hasn't done that and nor should anyone else.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 07:46

@WillowtreeHouse I genuinely can't imagine a situation where two teenagers need a cinema trip with their dad on a Thursday night - especially when he's seeing them for the following six days straight 😬

They're old enough to respect the fact that their parents have a social life outside of them - dad doesn't need to pander to their every desire.

OriGanOver · 07/04/2023 07:51

I think the opposite of most on this thread.

He's bumped you off when this is the time when you're making a good impression and effort in a new relationship.

You had plans, I don't believe he promised the only day he had free when he could have agreed a cinema trip on any of the other days. This situation shows the dynamics of his relationship with his teens.

I'd take this as an indication of how things will be going forward and personally I'd have one conversation with him about it and if he tried any - I'm putting my kids first, they're my world, you're a selfish person - bollocks on me I'd be gone.

WunWun · 07/04/2023 07:59

His kids are teenagers, he's about to spend the week with them, they can go to the cinema any time... If you were suggesting he cancelled plans with toddlers to take you out instead I could understand the reaction here

But the 'He's wonderful for putting the kids first' in this situation is RIDICULOUS.

WillowtreeHouse · 07/04/2023 08:20

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 07:46

They're old enough to respect the fact that their parents have a social life outside of them - dad doesn't need to pander to their every desire.

Maybe it's not about the cinema and more about them just wanting to see their dad, or him just wanting to spend as much time as he can with them. There doesn't really need to be a 'reason'.

The OP is not his girlfriend, she says they've been dating for four months so I would assume that she's not even met his DCs yet. I'm not saying that every parent should drop everything every time their child wants them to, not at all. But my first husband was a very hands on dad to our son until he started dating (first of many) after we split and he was rarely available for him after that. Sometimes he just wanted to see his dad because he missed him, that's all. DS is 19 now and they barely have any relationship at all as DS no longer trusts him.

I accept that my own experience has probably clouded my view on this thread.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 07/04/2023 08:27

I recommend you don't date a man with children if you can't understand that they must come first.

Sugargliderwombat · 07/04/2023 08:31

He admitted he forgot but now he committed to seeing them didn't want to cancel, sounds like a good guy to me.

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