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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel a bit miffed he's cancelled our date

74 replies

dusty890 · 06/04/2023 19:22

I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months now. We see each other once, maybe twice a week due to both having kids (we've not introduced yet) and it seems to be going well. He has his kids probably 60/40 (60 to him). They are 14 and 17.

He's had/got his kids for all of the Easter school hols, and he's taking them away tomorrow until Wednesday. We had a date planned for tonight (only night he didn't have his kids). I got a text this morning to say that he'd completely forgotten that he'd promised to take his kids to do something tonight (think along the lines of cinema so can go anytime), so we're going to have to cancel and rearrange for when he's back from holiday. He was fairly apologetic.

I'd be interested to know what others would feel about this?

OP posts:
CheersForThatEh · 07/04/2023 08:32

I wouldnt mind in principal and think it's right to prioritise them.

But I'd keep my eyes open and

  1. Wonder if he was as fully separated as he claims and doesnt have his hands full with a wife at home over the Easter break
  2. Wonder if he was going to be unreliable or disorganised which might be grating long term.
WunWun · 07/04/2023 08:50

EmilyGilmoresSass · 07/04/2023 08:27

I recommend you don't date a man with children if you can't understand that they must come first.

Get a grip. They're teenagers. It's the cinema. He had plans. He's about to spend a week with them.

WillowtreeHouse · 07/04/2023 08:55

And @coffeecupsandwaxmelts he'd already committed to taking his kids out first and forgot that he'd double booked with the OP. He admitted that, so I don't think that sticking to the original agreement he'd already made with his children is 'pandering to their every desire'. It's just not letting them down.

Unfortunately it meant he had to let the OP down, but given that he'd made a balls up and was going to have to let one of them down, most people would do what he did and stick with the plans that they had made first.

WillowtreeHouse · 07/04/2023 08:56

WunWun · 07/04/2023 08:50

Get a grip. They're teenagers. It's the cinema. He had plans. He's about to spend a week with them.

Show quote history

He had plans with his kids first.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 08:59

@WillowtreeHouse that may be, but he's also about to spend a week with his children so in this case, I don't actually think there's any harm in him rearranging and taking them to the cinema the following day instead.

We're not talking about something out of the ordinary that can only be done on a Thursday night, nor are we talking about an emergency 🤷‍♀️

He double-booked himself but I don't agree that the children should automatically be the priority here.

kierenthecommunity · 07/04/2023 09:08

grivelling · 06/04/2023 20:34

I'm surprised you even mentioned being introduced to the kids after saying you e been seeing each other once or twice a week for four months. That's very early stages especially where kids are involved. So you have seen each other in person maybe eight times in total? I think you need to calm down a bit.

It would be eights meetings if they’d met twice a month for four months, not twice a week

WillowtreeHouse · 07/04/2023 09:09

Fair enough, I respectfully disagree though.

Sometimes we double book ourselves don't we, I would always stick to whichever plans I had made first just because I think it's not great to show someone (anyone, not just your children) that you've 'ditched' them for a better offer. The cinema (or whatever it is, I think this was just used as an example by the OP) is not essential, but nor is a date with the OP.

The OP says she feels 'miffed' about it, but it has only been a very short time of dating so they are not committed to each other. He was going to piss either of them off, I guess he felt he had a bigger commitment to his DCs.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 09:12

@WillowtreeHouse the children would only know they were the original plan if dad told them they were, though.

He could have apologised, said he knew he'd arranged to take them to the cinema but he'd forgotten he was doing x instead, so they'll go to the cinema while they're away and do Y as well to make up for it.

Nobody has to feel ditched. He's about to spend a week with his children where they'll have his undivided attention - they can miss out on the cinema for one evening.

thegrain · 07/04/2023 09:14

I think at this stage of the relationship cancelling his plans with the kids for his plans with OP would have gone down like a lead balloon with them. Play the long game OP.

ladyofshertonabbas · 07/04/2023 09:16

He’s a good man for not letting his kids down for a date. I wouldn’t worry. It’s a long game.

WillowtreeHouse · 07/04/2023 09:27

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 09:12

@WillowtreeHouse the children would only know they were the original plan if dad told them they were, though.

He could have apologised, said he knew he'd arranged to take them to the cinema but he'd forgotten he was doing x instead, so they'll go to the cinema while they're away and do Y as well to make up for it.

Nobody has to feel ditched. He's about to spend a week with his children where they'll have his undivided attention - they can miss out on the cinema for one evening.

Well the OP feels ditched so perhaps his kids would too. He apologised to the OP, she can either decide that this is enough for her or not.

He has to prioritise one over the other in this instance. I don't think it's a great message to his kids that their dad would rather go on a date, than spend the first night of their holiday time with them doing what they had already planned.

I'll bow out now. My own experiences of watching ex DH prioritise women over DS are probably clouding my take on this. There are just too many people who almost start to discard their kids just because they are 'teens', so their feelings don't matter and I think that's incredibly damaging.

PelvicFlora · 07/04/2023 09:40

MzHz · 06/04/2023 19:50

Kids come first SOMETIMES, and always when critically important

this isn’t necessarily one of those times.

it’s important that sometimes partners come first.

martyr yourself for your kids and it’s a LOT harder to make marriages/relationships work.

I agree with this.

If you want to have a relationship, you have to make space in your life for it. It should be A priority, not THE priority, but whoever you're in a relationship with will want (and need) to at least feel they're important enough to honour existing plans.

It's not very sexy or attractive to be someone's option all the time. And OP's partner is silly for thinking that what he's offering is good enough for the OP.

I'm sure if he told his kids 'sorry, I can't take you to the cinema tonight because I'm playing tennis with Dave', they wouldn't bat an eyelid. So why does he have to pussy foot around them when it's a date with the OP?

If he can't even stick to the plans he's made with OP and is letting his kids completely dictate his free time, then the simple truth is that he's not able to have a relationship, so he should stop kidding himself that he can.

PelvicFlora · 07/04/2023 09:49

And is the measurement of great partner how many time he cancels on you in favour of his kids?

'Oh he's brilliant - he's cancelled on me five times now so he can take his 17 year olds bowling, I'm so lucky I've met such a great catch'.

Yeah, fuck that. He might be a 'great dad' but you're looking for a great partner. Judge him on that.

There's no point stacking up his brownie points every time he blows you out for his kids, if you haven't seen him in three weeks.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/04/2023 09:51

He’s a good dad. Not sure why that irritates you.

PelvicFlora · 07/04/2023 09:59

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/04/2023 09:51

He’s a good dad. Not sure why that irritates you.

Because he's not being a good boyfriend.

Ideally he should be both. Otherwise what's in it for OP?

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/04/2023 10:02

PelvicFlora · Today 09:59
MrsSkylerWhite · Today 09:51

He’s a good dad. Not sure why that irritates you.
Because he's not being a good boyfriend.

Ideally he should be both. Otherwise what's in it for OP?”

Dates on nights when he’s not otherwise engaged. If you’re going to date a parent of under 18s, you need to realise and accept that the childrens’ needs and wants will usually come first. Especially after just a few months.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 07/04/2023 10:08

MzHz · 06/04/2023 19:50

Kids come first SOMETIMES, and always when critically important

this isn’t necessarily one of those times.

it’s important that sometimes partners come first.

martyr yourself for your kids and it’s a LOT harder to make marriages/relationships work.

OP is not his partner - she’s his GF.

’Martyr’ implies some kind of suffering for a cause. Going to the flicks with your kids is not, for most of us, akin to being burned alive.

His choice was to disappoint either his adult lover or his teenage kids. Which is not really a choice at all, is it?

PelvicFlora · 07/04/2023 10:16

If you’re going to date a parent of under 18s, you need to realise and accept that the childrens’ needs and wants will usually come first. Especially after just a few months

I disagree. If you're the parent of under 18s and you want to start dating, you make sure you create the time and space in your life to continue to meet the children's needs but also to develop and build a meaningful relationship with someone.

What you don't do is continue on as normal and expect whoever you date to just fit in around you and your kids' schedule.

His choice was to disappoint either his adult lover or his teenage kids. Which is not really a choice at all, is it?

But the OP doesn't have to be delighted about it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/04/2023 10:17

PelvicFlora · Today 10:16
If you’re going to date a parent of under 18s, you need to realise and accept that the childrens’ needs and wants will usually come first. Especially after just a few months

I disagree. If you're the parent of under 18s and you want to start dating, you make sure you create the time and space in your life to continue to meet the children's needs but also to develop and build a meaningful relationship with someone.

What you don't do is continue on as normal and expect whoever you date to just fit in around you and your kids' schedule”

I respectfully agree to disagree with you.

QueefQueen80s · 07/04/2023 10:18

Kids first always, big green flag.

ScrollingLeaves · 07/04/2023 10:25

I think it was a genuine reason. He really has his hands full this week.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 10:27

WillowtreeHouse · 07/04/2023 09:27

Well the OP feels ditched so perhaps his kids would too. He apologised to the OP, she can either decide that this is enough for her or not.

He has to prioritise one over the other in this instance. I don't think it's a great message to his kids that their dad would rather go on a date, than spend the first night of their holiday time with them doing what they had already planned.

I'll bow out now. My own experiences of watching ex DH prioritise women over DS are probably clouding my take on this. There are just too many people who almost start to discard their kids just because they are 'teens', so their feelings don't matter and I think that's incredibly damaging.

Show quote history

But he wouldn't need to tell his kids he was "ditching them for a date". He could have just apologised, said he'd forgotten he had plans and that he'd take them to the cinema another night. There's no need for them to know his exact plans.

I'm sorry for your ex DH's behaviour - but you don't need to prioritise your children 100% of the time to be a good parent. Your needs matter too, and you can't expect to have any kind of healthy relationship if you constantly put it on the back burner to focus on the children.

Of course this could just be a one-off mistake, in which case it shouldn't be an issue, but IMO it's something to keep an eye on. It's not about "discarding children", it's about children learning that their parents are people too, and that they're entitled to a life that doesn't necessarily have to involve them.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 07/04/2023 14:39

WunWun · 07/04/2023 08:50

Get a grip. They're teenagers. It's the cinema. He had plans. He's about to spend a week with them.

Show quote history

I don't need to get a grip thanks. My own child will always come above anyone else, even if it's for a trip to the cinema.

Whattt44 · 07/04/2023 14:46

I'm very cynical, so unless I knew for absolute certainty his excuse was true, I'd be a bit wary.
If he doesn't cancel again all well and good but I'd be bracing myself for the next time.

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