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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Settle my inheritance row!

677 replies

LetMeExplain · 05/04/2023 15:41

Long story short, my parents signed their house over to me 10+ years ago, under the caveat that they could live there until the end of their days. This house is my inheritance, as stated in their will.
My mum passed away and my dad can’t afford to stay in the house or manage its upkeep any more. He has a disastrous relationship with money and is basically destitute.
I agreed to sell the house and buy a flat for him, to live in rent free, all he has to pay is his cost. He now demands money from me as I am making a profit from the sale of the house. I don’t want to give him any, it’s my inheritance! AIBU?

OP posts:
WhateverHappenedToMe · 05/04/2023 17:30

He could still change his will.

diddl · 05/04/2023 17:30

If he is in debt to more than the value of the house where will he find money to pay his costs?

If you buy him a flat & the flat is worth less than his debts when he dies are some debts just written off?

Gincan · 05/04/2023 17:31

If your dad is a moral blank who will piss all the money up the wall and the house was passed to you to avoid this happening then you must have considered what you would do if he ever needed / asked for the money back? What about your mum, what would she want you to do with it?

diddl · 05/04/2023 17:31

WhateverHappenedToMe · 05/04/2023 17:30

He could still change his will.

And do what?

Not leave Op a house that is already hers?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 05/04/2023 17:31

Dahliass · 05/04/2023 17:29

If he is crap with money and has had multiple bankruptcies it's not up to you to control the money. If your DF has mental capacity he should be free to make unwise decisions.

Show quote history

But it's her money legally, not his.

Movinghouseatlast · 05/04/2023 17:32

Cuntish behaviour. You are depriving him of his own money. It's unbelievable really.

converseandjeans · 05/04/2023 17:33

Agree with @Ginmonkeyagain

Was it to avoid the house being sold to repay debt?

I think OPs Mum knew how terrible he was with money and did this to avoid the house being used as an asset towards all his debts. Also he would possibly accrue even more debt if he got his hands on the money from the sale.

OP I think best you can do is set him up in a small flat & pay him an allowance monthly to cover bills.

Does he not have any pension to live off?

MakingitOver · 05/04/2023 17:33

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 17:17

Nothing to do with emotion, but ethics. And no you can’t argue about who is shafting whom here unless you’re stupid or immoral - it’s very clear.

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Oh dear@Mirabai Stooping low now to use insults as you aren't hearing things you want to hear! You clearly don't know what ethics are , and they are not part of a legal contract.

I suggest you keep your inferences to who is 'stupid' out of your posts.

diddl · 05/04/2023 17:34

Knowing how bad he is with money why did you agree Op?

IncompleteSenten · 05/04/2023 17:34

If it was me I would split the gains with my dad.

He's not dead yet. Yes they made the decision to give you the house in advance for whatever reason but inheritance is what you get after they're dead. What you got was the gift of a house. If we're talking what's morally right I think it's giving the person who gave you legal ownership of their house some cash when they need it so they can survive.

It seems like there's a huge backstory and a troubled/toxic relationship. Is that right? I have actually refused an inheritance on moral grounds because the circumstances around it would completely taint it so if it was me, I'd give him the house back, let him do whatever he wishes and when he dies there's either actual inheritance or there isn't.

weirdoboelady · 05/04/2023 17:35

I have a few points to make, and don't think you are being unreasonable.

To all the people who have commented on legal matters, HMRC, etc etc.... FFS we don't know where in the world this house is, so STFU. I'm going to address this more strategically.

The decision on this rests on a balance between morality and finance.

Addressing the finance aspects first.

Can you calculate how much money you will lose by selling the house now, rather than after your father has died? The answer to this is no, because none of us know how property will perform in the coming years. But you do know that you may be liable for a tax similar to CGT if you sell now. I have no idea whether you would be liable for this after his death. So you can do some calculations on THIS bit of the sum. When you are trying to address the impossible (property values in x years) bit, don't necessarily assume that property will continue to go up. Property values in London are definitely falling ATM and I expect this is happening/will happen in other areas and countries as well. Just my take on thsi bit.

Now the morality bit.

Your father wants to be more comfortable in a smaller flat. How much are you prepared to pay to allow him to be more comfortable? Does this amount include an allowance to allow him to have more income? To those who think the OP is a bitch - would you want the OP to give him money if it turned out the reason he is so poor is because he is a gambling addict? Is it actually a good idea to increase his income, irrespective of whether the OP wants, or is prepared, to do this?

And a new idea bit.

The main reason that has been given for him wanting to move is heating and maintenance costs. Is there any way the OP could have the property developed so that father lives in a SC flat within the property, the rest is either rented out or just left empty (yes, it will need maintenance, but depending on some of the questions raised above it might save IHT type costs).

Gets popcorn, sits back and watches the fun. Good luck, OP, with your decision.

KTheGrey · 05/04/2023 17:35

Yeah, it's your house. If you sell it and buy him a smaller flat you have kept a roof over his head which fulfils the spirit of the agreement.

Clearly you should not have to give him the rest of the money from the sale of the house because it's yours. Neither should you put the flat in his name. Neither profit nor property belong to him.

Original poster
LetMeExplain · 05/04/2023 17:35

Gincan · 05/04/2023 17:31

If your dad is a moral blank who will piss all the money up the wall and the house was passed to you to avoid this happening then you must have considered what you would do if he ever needed / asked for the money back? What about your mum, what would she want you to do with it?

Good question, @Gincan ! I am pretty sure she would want me to make sound decisions and not let him get his hands on my money, like he did with hers.

OP posts:
Dothedoconotion · 05/04/2023 17:35

Read King Lear then stop being so grabby.

MakingitOver · 05/04/2023 17:36

@LetMeExplain It could be argued that you have a legal responsibility to keep the house in good repair as it's now yours.

It's not clear why your dad can't afford it now.

You should be paying things like council tax/ rates, whatever there is where you live, as well as the repairs etc.

Why has he suddenly not been able to afford his outgoings?

What's changed?

ThatsGenderwang · 05/04/2023 17:36

LetMeExplain · 05/04/2023 17:26

Again, I can’t quite keep up but the house was originally put in my name because my mum knew that he would just piss it all away. As I said, there is a bit of a back story involving a man who cannot deal with money and several bankruptcies…

I think the problem with your thread, OP, is how you phrased your opening post around 'their will'.

MakingitOver · 05/04/2023 17:37

Dothedoconotion · 05/04/2023 17:35

Read King Lear then stop being so grabby.

Not the same at all.

Lear had 3 daughters squabbling over who loved him most. He was about to divide his kingdom.

OP's dad has already given his away and now wants it back in another form.

Original poster
LetMeExplain · 05/04/2023 17:37

IncompleteSenten · 05/04/2023 17:34

If it was me I would split the gains with my dad.

He's not dead yet. Yes they made the decision to give you the house in advance for whatever reason but inheritance is what you get after they're dead. What you got was the gift of a house. If we're talking what's morally right I think it's giving the person who gave you legal ownership of their house some cash when they need it so they can survive.

It seems like there's a huge backstory and a troubled/toxic relationship. Is that right? I have actually refused an inheritance on moral grounds because the circumstances around it would completely taint it so if it was me, I'd give him the house back, let him do whatever he wishes and when he dies there's either actual inheritance or there isn't.

@IncompleteSenten I am tempted to give it all back and just step away! You are spot on with the toxic relationship.

OP posts:
MakingitOver · 05/04/2023 17:38

@LetMeExplain Just go and see a family lawyer.

It's not worth your time asking here.

Brexiteermorons · 05/04/2023 17:38

I cannot believe you are even asking this question. Where is your moral compass?

Ginmonkeyagain · 05/04/2023 17:39

Did your father agree to your mum's scheme? She may have meant well but he is an adult with capacity (even to make bad decisions) and she gave away something that was 50% his.

Also are you sure he understod what he was agreeing to. It sounds as if he thinks the transfer was "paper only" and the house is still his.

RB68 · 05/04/2023 17:41

This is one of the issues with this sort of agreement - you never know what is going to happen or if you need the money. Having said all that her Mum was spot on with the assessment. I think he could do with some advice financially and might be looking at another bankruptcy or IVA to sort the debts or make them more manageable - but he needs to manage that and instigate it unless there is a lack of competency medics would agree and sign him off in which case you need to apply to court for a LPA or if he has signed one for finances to enable it to be enacted. Again solid legal advice needed.

If he dies with debt then its the estate that must satisfy the debts - its the executor job to establish the estate and if there were gifts in the past whether they should be included within the estate or not or if they are partially within the estate (there is an actual list of what is allowed all on .gov). As it was 10 years ago its unlikely that the house would be considered a part of the estate even if challenged in court for e.g. by creditors

IncompleteSenten · 05/04/2023 17:41

I thought so. It sounded very familiar. You have my sympathies.
You just have to ask yourself is it really worth it mentally and emotionally or is it worth just saying here have it, piss it all away, do what the hell you want just don't contact me again.

I think only people who have experience will understand tbh. It's really hard because the actual issue is rarely the one on the surface if that makes sense.

Zonder · 05/04/2023 17:43

Inheritance is what you inherit once someone has died and no longer needs or wants any of their money. He isn't dead so it's not your inheritance yet.

However it's clear that you are looking out for his interests. Does he have enough to live on if you don't give him the difference?

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 17:44

MakingitOver · 05/04/2023 17:33

Oh dear@Mirabai Stooping low now to use insults as you aren't hearing things you want to hear! You clearly don't know what ethics are , and they are not part of a legal contract.

I suggest you keep your inferences to who is 'stupid' out of your posts.

Show quote history

No insult simply stating facts.

I suggest you look up the meaning of the word “inference”.